"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because Christ has forgiven the inexcusable in us." -C.S. Lewis
Forgive and Forget. Three simple words that really aren't that simple. In fact, most people use the phrase very lightly. Some, even change the wording, saying, "I'll forgive but I won't ever forget." My question is, why is it so hard to forgive? And even harder to forget? I can't remember what I wore yesterday, but I could tell you the name of every person who has ever wronged me. Why is that? Is it because if we do forgive and forget, we feel like we lost the battle? It's like we have worked so hard on a relationship with a person, only to have them betray us. Kind of like the way an athlete works hard on their game to get them to the Super Bowl, only to lose at the end, not achieving what they set out to do, and worked so hard for. When we forgive, we lose. So, we don't like it. If we choose to forgive someone, we are in a sense, setting them free. But what about us? What do we get out of it?
Why is it easier to forgive some people more than others? For me, it depends on if the person continues to do things to warrant your forgiveness. Also, I believe it's much different if it's your family. We are quicker to forgive people we love unconditionally. Why is that? Could it be because that's the way that Jesus loves us? Look at how many times we have been forgiven by Him. In fact, He loved us so much that he died on the cross for me and my sins. I continue to do things that warrant His forgiveness. Yet, He always forgives me. Over and over again.
If I asked you to name me 3 people off the top of your head who has wronged you, could you do it? I know I could. The truth of the matter is, no matter how much we forgive, I believe we still hold a bit of bitterness in our hearts for the person. That little something that keeps us from fully trusting them again. The "I'll never forget" part kicks in. It also seems to me that the older the wound is, the easier it is to fully let it go. Why? Well, fresher wounds are harder to heal. And, more than likely the fresher wounds have overtaken the previous ones. Which brings me to the first of two things, I believe allows us to move forward and overcome bitterness.
TIME
Time heals all wounds. Or so they say, anyway. I believe that statement is true. However, the time it takes to heal the wound just isn't fast enough to suit me. But with time, healing comes. We begin to question why it had to happen. We begin to wonder why God would let it happen. We begin to ask Him to reveal to us what exactly He wants us to learn from this thing that has hurt us so bad. We do a lot of soul searching. For me, a whole lot of song lyrics and bible verse searching. In the beginning, it's usually a song that can help me cry it out. In 2002, I experienced my first true heart break. It wasn't from a guy or a relationship type of heart break. It was the first time I got hurt so bad by someone and a situation, that it literally broke my heart. I was only 21 years old, and it involved church. I remember a song that helped me through that time. It is one of my favorite Jars of Clay songs.
"I Need You"
Strangely out of place.
There's a light filling this room where none would follow before.
I can't deny it burns me up inside. I fan the flames to melt away my pride.
Do I want shelter from the rain, or the rain to wash me away?
I need You, I need You, I need You.
You're all I'm living for.
I might sound like a fool.
But I think I felt You moving closer to me.
Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut. I fight the weight, I feel You lift me up.
You are the shelter from the rain, and the rain to wash me away.
Only had a second to spare, but all the time in the world to know You're there.
You are the shelter from the rain, and the rain to wash me away.
I need You, I need You, I need You.
You're all I'm living for.
When I think back on that heart breaking time in my life, I remember a card my Mom got me. It said, "God won't close one door without opening another one." I'll never forget that. It was the first time that I heard that saying. It sunk into my broken heart and healing began. Growing up as a Preacher's Daughter, I knew hurt from churches could happen. I just never thought it would happen. Once the healing began, I was able to forgive the situation, and the people involved. Have I forgotten? Maybe. It was something that was very important to me and very special to my heart, but I was able to move on and let it go.
My favorite Chris Tomlin song came to me during one of the hardest things I ever had to face. It was a work situation that involved someone who I thought was my best friend. It took a lot out of me mentally, but I think that time was one of my strongest spiritual times in my life. It's a simple song, that said so much.
"Over Me"
Father hold me, like a newborn child.
Father hold me, like a newborn child.
Father calm me when I run wild.
Father watch over me.
Father cool me, when the fever's high.
Father cool me, when the fever's high.
Father show me through Jesus' eyes.
Father watch over me.
Father call me to Your loving side.
Father call me to Your loving side.
Father speak to me and I'll be alright.
Father watch over me.
Over me. Like the rain come down.
Over me. How sweet the sound.
Over me. The angels gather around.
Father watch over me.
I'm not sure what I would have done without that song back in October of 2007. To this day, it's one of my go to songs. I'm proud to say that the hurt I experienced in that year is far behind me. I have forgiven the person. I can't say I have forgotten, but I have definitely let it go. I'm also stronger from it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Or so they say, anyway. I also believe that statement is true. Eventually, you find the stronger that is in you.
The third and final time in my life that I'm gonna focus on, happened in May of 2013. I won't go into details, because it's just too painful. I've been reminded of these old wounds a lot in the past few weeks. It had to do with someone who wronged a family member. This one was by far the hardest to get over. There were so many nights I would lay awake at night and I would just cry. I had so much pain in my heart, yet I had to see and work with this person who betrayed my mom, every single day. I was kind of hard to deal with because I was so down. If anything unrelated happened to upset me, it was magnified because of the underlying hurt I was feeling over that situation. I even felt like it was my fault that it happened which made the healing even harder. I remember driving by myself one day to a creek near where I live. I sat in my car, watched the water flow, and I heard a song that changed everything. It was none other than a NEEDTOBREATHE song.
"Able"
There's a host of hurts we come across.
None of which alike.
From the air inside the birthing room to the darkness where we die.
Though I feel I'm just as strong as any man I know,
I'm not able on my own.
Carry around the secrets only Heaven knows.
Crawl into our darkened rooms where only victims go.
Though I feel I'm strong enough to carry all this load,
I'm not able on my own.
All my actions, false or true.
Selfish motives I will use.
We were born with knives in hand.
Trained to kill our fellow man.
If we're not better than the rest,
How will children do their best?
Find your patience, find your truth.
Love is all we have to lose.
'Cause I'm not able on my own.
It took me longer to get over this one than the others. It remains the freshest wound. If I allow myself to think too deeply about it, I'll go back to that dark place I was in. So, I won't. I don't think about it. Once I realized that I couldn't get through it by myself, it was easier to move forward. Once I forgave myself, I could move forward. Have I forgiven the person? Yes. Have I forgot? Probably not. The wound is still too fresh.
I think that TIME brings the FORGIVENESS. Which brings me to what brings the FORGETTING.
LOVE
It's much harder to forget something that happened to you than you think. In fact, I'm not 100% sure that you ever completely forget it. I think it's just this... Love breaks through. When you think about Love, what do you think of? How do you feel? In the sense that I'm speaking of, it's quite simple. Love is God. Love takes the hurt away. Love takes the pain from you, and makes it His own. Love give us the power to lose. Love takes away your enemy's ability to continue to hurt you. Love makes you strong enough to take their attack. Love defeats hostility. Love conquers death. Love wins every time.
Think about your deepest wound. How does it make you feel? Let me answer that for you... Pretty crappy, huh? Philippians 4:8 says, "Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." I don't think that God wants us to remember and think about our wounds. That's the whole reason He takes them from us. He doesn't want us to hurt. Actually, whenever someone hurts us, it only makes it worse on us when we can't fully leave it behind. There is a song by Tenth Avenue North that inspired this blog.
"Losing"
I can't believe what she said, I can't believe what he did.
Oh, don't they know it's wrong? Don't they know it's wrong?
Well maybe there's something I missed, but how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart, the way they disregard.
This is love or this is hate, we all have a choice to make.
Oh, Father wont You forgive them, they don't know what they've been doing.
Oh Father give me grace to forgive them, 'cause I feel like the one losing.
Well it's only the dead that can live, but still I wrestle with this.
To lose the pain that's mine, seventy times seven times.
'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right, for me to turn a blind eye.
Though I guess it's not that much, when I think of what You've done.
Why do we think that our hate's gonna break a hard heart?
We're rippin' arms over wars that don't need to be fought.
'Cause pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground.
We build our bridges up, just to burn them down.
We think our pain is own apologies and get them to stop,
Well truth be told, it doesn't matter if their sorry or not.
'Cause freedom comes when we surrender to the sound,
Of Your mercy and Your grace, Father send Your angels down.
Oh, Father wont You forgive them, they don't know what they've been doing.
Oh Father give me grace to forgive them, 'cause I feel like the one losing.
So, how do you feel now? Better? I know I do. God will always take care of us. It seems like when bad things like this happen, one day we wake up and all the bitterness is just gone. How is that? I'll tell you how. Love. God. Love is God. See, the situation that has been the hardest for me to heal from... As of tomorrow at 4:30pm, the person will be completely removed from my life. I don't have to rejoice in that, because I rejoice in the fact that God and TIME has allowed me to forgive them. I can rejoice that I can accept the cost of forgiving others the way I've been forgiven. I trusted that God would take care of it, and He has. It took a long time, but He never leaves His children. Colossians 3:13 says, "Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."
There is an ongoing situation that I struggle with daily forgiveness for. It's hard for me to completely let God have this one for some reason. I pray for it. I continue to be the best that I can be whenever it comes to this situation. I always ask myself, "What would Jesus do?" when I have to be around them. I saw something in an article written by Dave Willis that helps me with this very struggle. "Show respect even to those who don't deserve it; not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours." I sing all of these songs and know that someday I'll get to the point where this ongoing wound will finally heal. I know it will. It will take some TIME and I just have to be willing to let LOVE break through. God tells us in Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." So, let us remember that it is possible to forgive AND forget. We just have to prepare our hearts. We have to let LOVE break through. We have to let go. And let God. Give Him your bitterness. Give Him your pain. Give Him your heart. Allow Him to heal it. With His perfect LOVE and TIMING.
