"The Enemy wants to define you by your scars, but Jesus has already defined you by His." -Louie Giglio
Have you ever just wanted to erase something from your day? You wake up in a good mood and BOOM, something happens to ruin your entire day. I'm the worlds worst at letting something ruin my day. You can usually tell when something is wrong or is bothering me. I guess you could say, I don't have a very good poker face. However, there are certain circumstances when I'm able to act like everything is fine when deep down I'm breaking. To put it bluntly, 2018 has been a horrible year. It all started on my brother's birthday.
February 23rd of this year was a pretty good day. I remember it was a good day. Friday is usually my favorite day of the week. Work wasn't awful and I went home and got dressed to go meet my family to go eat to celebrate my brother's 45th year of life. Around 5:00pm, my phone rang. It was my Mom. She told me that my Dad hadn't been feeling good all day. He had a lot of pain in his right leg and could only walk with a cane. She decided she should take him to the Emergency Room at St. Joseph Hospital.
About 4 years ago, my Dad had a stroke. That particular stroke didn't effect his ability to move, it was mainly his speech and his vision. He bounced back from it pretty good after a lot of therapy. He wasn't the exact same, but it was okay. His filter cut off a little more than normal, and he had trouble getting his words out. But he was still Dad. In April of 2016, my Dad walked me down the aisle and gave me away to be married to my husband. He also danced with me to the song "Fathers and Daughters" by Michael Bolton. That is a memory of him I will forever cherish. Five minutes of just me and my Dad. Dancing. Smiling. Laughing. Loving.
So, my Mom took my Dad to the Emergency Room that night. Dustin and I met them there. We sat there until they admitted him after 10:00pm. While we were there, they ran a CT Scan that came back normal. They wanted to keep him overnight to do the MRI just to make sure nothing showed on there. The next day, my Dad woke up and couldn't move his right leg or his right arm. Today, he can walk with assistance, but still has little movement in his right arm.
A lot has been going on in this "Daddy's Little Girl"'s mind during this difficult time we have had to endure. There has been a lot of questions going through my heart and mind. Questions that no one has the answers for. Questions that can't be answered. I know that I'm one of those adults who live in denial about their age. I never think that I'm getting older. Which means no one around me ever grows older either. My Mom and Dad will live forever. I think I live in that denial because I know that I can't think about losing them and remain stable. So you can imagine the questions that I have as to why this had to happen. I went through every emotion possible when it first started. I still struggle with how to feel. I think about how strong my Mom is on a daily basis. I'm not gonna lie, I haven't been too strong through it all. In fact, I've become pretty bitter. Which brings me to another one of my questions.
Why is it that a Preacher is the one no one else thinks to visit? My whole life, I watched my Dad become the man that I wish everyone else was. I watched him answer phone calls of prayer requests. I went with him to the hospital to visit people who were sick. He went to see people in the nursing home regularly as well. Some people went to his church, but not all did. Some were friends. Some were friends of friends. Some were friends or family of his church congregation. One thing is the same though. No matter who they were, everyone of them was someone's father. Someone's husband. Someone's son or daughter. No matter who they were, they deserved prayer. I watched my Dad pray for people he had never even met his whole life. Which brings me to the next question. If my Dad spent 41 years serving his Savior, then why couldn't he feel at peace when he was sick? Why did he feel like no one cared enough to visit him? Why did the church he was attending with his daughter and Son-In-Law, not send one person to see him? Or send one card? Or even a facebook post or like to any of his family? I feel like that's one thing I may never get over.
So here we are. Me left with unanswered questions. Me and my family left without a church home when I need one the most. Did anyone know any of this was going on inside me? Probably not. I put on a pretty good poker face. I've tried my best to get back to where I need to be with God. It's hard when you don't feel like you belong in a church. It's hard when you feel betrayed by your own brothers and sisters. It's hard when you feel like part of your heart has been ripped out. I had fallen far away from God through all of this. Then, this happened.
My Boss is up for re-election this year. If she doesn't win, I don't have a job either. We all know that an election can bring out the worst in people. About three weeks ago, I heard that someone had some not so nice things to say about me. Hurtful things. Luckily, the person she said it to defended me. When the person told me these hurtful things, I acted like nothing was wrong. I put on my poker face. In the very moment she told me, I gave it to God. My reaction was, "You know what? I'm gonna let God take care of it. He's on my side." I meant exactly what I said. However, my heart still hurt. It was in that very hurt that I came running back to God. I never needed it more. A week and a half later, I heard the same things being said to someone else who knew me pretty well. Again, it bothered me. Again, it hurt. Again, God was right there. He sent me Lauren Daigle as my comfort.
"I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough.
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up.
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know.
The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me.
In You, I find my worth, in You I find my identity.
Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet.
You have every failure, God, You have every victory.
You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing.
You say I am strong when I think I am weak.
And you say I am held when I am falling short.
And when I don't belong, oh, You say I am Yours.
And I believe. Oh I believe. What You say of me. I believe."
That song reminded me that it really doesn't matter what others say or think about me. It really doesn't matter what happens because God is in control of it all. I guess that even though I may think I have a good poker face, God knows all. He sees all. He has, and always will, take care of me. He will rescue me. Which brings me to my next Lauren Daigle comfort lyrics.
"You are not hidden.
There's never been a moment you were not forgotten.
You are not hopeless.
Though you have been broken, your innocence stolen.
There is no distance.
That cannot be covered over and over.
You're not defenseless.
I'll be your shelter, I'll be your armor.
I hear you whisper underneath your breath.
I hear your S.O.S., your S.O.S.
I will send out an army to find you.
In the middle of the darkest night.
It's true, I will rescue you.
I will never stop marchin' to reach you.
In the middle of the hardest fight.
It's true, I will rescue you."
What? Someone loves me this much?? Are you serious? Someone loves ME enough to fight for me? Someone loves me enough to rescue me? It's this simple. When it all comes down to it, we think we can hide from God. We put on our best poker face we have, yet he sees right through it. He knows. We are not hidden from Him. Even in our darkest night, or our hardest fight, He is right there with us. This year alone, I have endured one of my darkest nights and one of my hardest fights. Let me tell you, it's a whole lot easier when we don't try to do it on our own. It's a whole lot easier if we just become broken enough to fall to our knees and give every inch of ourselves to our God. It's a whole lot easier if we just get rid of our poker face all together. After all, if the One who matters the most can see right through it, what's the point of having it?
So, today, I'm happier. I'm healthier. I know that my Dad is okay no matter what because he is in the hands of his heavenly Father. He was a faithful servant for so many years and God won't give up on Him now. I also know that people are gonna say mean things, but that doesn't define who I am. I'm not defined by my own scars anyway. I'm defined by my Savior's scars. One thing I've learned, if God is for us, no one can be against us. That's a fact I'll never get tired of hearing.
"The Lord Himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." Exodus 14:14
