"I find your lack of faith disturbing." ~Darth Vader
Star Wars: A New Hope
A title of a very famous movie that was released in 1977. This was 3 years before I was even born. As a matter of fact, the sequel to this movie was The Empire Strikes Back and it was released the year I was born. I believe it was the #1 movie the day I was born, which makes sense. I'm not going to focus too much on the movies themselves, as I am on the quote and the title of Episode IV. Just to sum it up, Princess Leia obtains the schematics of the Death Star, which is designed to destroy. She then is forced to hide the plans because she is captured by Darth Vader. She hides the plans in R2-D2 who flees in an escape pod to Tatooine. There he finds Luke Skywalker. Luke finds the hidden holographic recording of Leia and she asks for the help of Obi-Wan Kenobi. Luke knows a Kenobi, his uncle Ben. Finally Ben reveals to Luke that he used to be a Jedi Knight, until they were wiped out by the Galactic Empire. Ben tells Luke his father also fought alongside of him, until Darth Vader murdered him. He also gives Luke his fathers light saber. Luke sets off to find and eventually rescue Leia from the Galactic Empire. In her hidden message that was stored in R2-D2, she said "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."
What is your only hope? Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever taken the title of a movie and turned it into something deeper? That's exactly what I have done here. With the Corona Virus being the death star, The Devil being Darth Vader and Obi-Wan being Jesus. Now the end is in sight and the new hope is here. No matter how dark things can get, there is always a light waiting for us. There have been many dark times in my life. I can think of probably 10 just off the top of my head. But, as long as I kept one thing, I knew the light would return. That one thing? Hope.
There is a song by Michael W. Smith that has really brought me through some trying times. One of the hardest times of my life was dealing with my Dad's second stroke. This song brought me through it. A whole lot of tears have been shed while listening to this song and here are the lyrics.
"My hope has found it's resting place
And I'll search no more.
My hope has found it's resting place
And I'll search no more.
My hope has found it's anchor safe
And Your rock it holds.
My hope has found it's anchor safe
And Your rock it holds.
Even the darkness is light to You.
Even the darkness is light to You.
It's hard to believe it, but You say that it's true.
Even the darkness is light to You.
If I made my bed in the depths
If I rise on the wings of the morning.
Through the farthest horizon You're there.
You will find me, You will find me.
Even my darkness is light to You.
Even my darkness is light to You.
From the deepest of depths to the stars up above.
There is no way I could escape Your steadfast love.
It's hard to believe it but You say that it's true.
Even my darkness is light to You."
With all the darkness that has surrounded us all the past few months, I know we are all excited to see the light again. To be able to fully live again with our own free will. The thing about it is, God knew this was going to happen. Maybe God wants us to have more hope. More trust in Him. More love for Him. More.....time. More time for Him. More time for us. For each other. For family. I know that I have learned a few things during this time. First and foremost, I don't do well when I can't see Haylie. We went for 52 days without seeing her. Without touching her. Without hugging her. Without seeing her face. I still get emotional when I think about it. Last weekend, on May 8th, I saw her again. I touched her again. I hugged her again. For about 5 minutes straight I didn't let go of her. For whatever reason, God didn't make me a birth Mom. It's something that I haven't really ever understood. However, He did allow me to be a Bonus Mom. A Step-Mom. He gave me a Mother's heart. I love both of my girls just like they are my very own. My heart beats for them. On Saturday, we celebrated Mother's Day for me. We ate whatever I wanted and spent time together watching a show that Haylie and I both wanted to watch. The highlight of that day came in a spontaneous trip to Dunkin' Donuts. Our FAVORITE! Haylie and I got in the car and drove a half an hour away just to get a cup of coffee. It was the best hour of the whole weekend. Just talking to her and catching up. Listening to her favorite singer on the way home. My heart felt so full. And in that moment I knew that I never want to go 52 days without hugging her ever again.
"We shine like stars in a dark world." Philippians 2:15
Another thing I have learned about myself during all of this is that I seem to trust God more during trying times. I have honestly prayed more, read more, listened to more music and been way more in tune with my spiritual self through this whole thing. I keep trying my best to find the good in everything. Things have kind of all blended together so I can't remember exactly when it was, but our local hospital had a prayer night. They put it on facebook and said that anyone who wanted to come at a certain time to be there. Dustin and I went and it was one of the most amazing things I've ever been a part of. There wasn't an empty parking space at the hospital. They had a speaker set up playing worship music and the girl that headed it up said a few words and prayed. Turns out, she was a nurse from our local hospital. Everyone sat there somehow together. In unison. And we all wanted the same things. We sat in our cars and honked the horns instead of saying "amen" and had our flashers on to "praise and worship". It was an amazing experience and it's something I'll never forget. One last thing that I have learned about myself during this, Jeremy Camp's words and music has been a true God send through all this. One of his new songs, Out of My Hands, was the thing that kept me going when all I could think about was not seeing Haylie. Here are the lyrics.
"Everyday this never ending pressure
Tries to take it's claim over my heart.
I have tried to hold it all together
But time and time again I fall apart.
But that's where I find my life was never mine at all
You are the One inside, always in control.
Letting go of worries I can't messure
Holding on to truth that's healing me.
Knowing I can trust You is a treasure
With eyes wide open, now I finally see.
It's here that I find my life was never mine at all
You're still the One inside, always in control.
So when it feels like all of this pain is never gonna end.
Brought to my knees by all of these things I don't understand, don't understand.
I will let the weight of my fear fall like sand.
Out of my hands and into Yours, Out of my hands and into Yours.
Take this out of my hands, take this out of my hands.
There's nothing that You can't handle
God You are strong enough.
Only You can take this out of my hands.
You're greater than all my sorrows
Worthy of all my trust.
Thank you Lord, that this is out of my hands. Out of my hands."
Sometimes when I doubt God, I can hear Him say to me through His Darth Vader mask, "I find your lack of faith disturbing." There are many times when I do have a lack of faith. It's really easy to have doubt especially in trying times such as these. But, what we have to do is simply trust Him. He knew this was all going to happen before it ever came. Rest in knowing that. Rest in knowing that He was prepared for the Death Star to try and destroy His people. He also knew that all of his Prince and Princesses would find a way to conquer. Take up your "light saber" and follow Him no matter what darkness you go through. Use the "light saber" to light your way. In the end, as we all know, we will find and experience A New Hope.
Nahum 1:7
The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in Him.
