“An angel I will read to sleep. Gave me one dream of my own. So, learn to love and spread your wings and find the one to call your home. When times are hard, I know you’ll be strong. I’ll be there in your heart, and you’ll carry on. Like moonlight on the water, and sunlight in the sky, fathers and daughters never say goodbye. Fathers and daughters never say goodbye.”
Does grief make you lose who you are? The short answer is Yes. The long answer will follow... eventually. It’s been over a year since my Dad passed. But as I expected, it still feels like yesterday. The tears still come very easily. I’ve prayed for healing, but I’m not even sure that will exist with grieving. I started praying for help with dealing with it instead. I’m not sure exactly how this blog will go. It might be all over the place. That’s how my emotions have been for the past year. I’ve dealt with so many versions of myself. Actually, I should say the people around me have dealt with so many versions of myself. Sadly, those versions of me still exist. And I’m not sure they will ever leave me. So, let’s start by introducing you to the other versions of me.
First, there is “Extremely Sad Natasha”. This version of me can cry so quickly and so easy. She can think of a funny memory of her Dad and suddenly she’s sobbing her eyes out. This also can happen with a simple mention of her Dad’s name. Or by someone imitating him by saying one of his many funny phrases. It can also happen by just seeing a picture of him. Or spending my first birthday in 45 years without him there. At times, this version of me feels like someone took a shot into her chest when these things happen. I think this version of me is who I was for most of 2025. The day after my Dad passed, I went with my Mom to set up the cremation process. The gentleman that helped us was very nice. He went over the process with us and told us that we could come back to pick him up the next day. I’ll never forget what my Mom said to him before we left that day. It was simple. But gut-wrenching. "That is the nearest you will come to perfection." That statement has stayed with me since that day. My Dad wasn't perfect, but to her, he was. To me, he was. The next day, we went back and picked him up. We talked and decided that we will have a memorial service for him later, after winter.
Moving on to “Selfish Natasha”. This version of me is
impossible. This is the version of myself that I’m least proud of, but it’s
part of who I am now. This is the one I wish I could get rid of. While that is
attainable for this one, I’m not sure when I’ll be at the point where I can let
this one go. “Selfish Natasha” thinks she’s the only person in the world to
ever lose her Dad. While grieving, she thinks that she’s the only person to
ever lose, not just her Dad, but this man in general. She thinks that everyone
on earth should already know that she lost her Dad and that the world should
stop because it happened. This is the most difficult version of myself to write
about. At times, when I would get quiet, Dustin would ask me “What’s wrong?”
and I would say back in the meanest voice possible, “My Dad died! What do you
think is wrong?” I had a really hard time accepting the fact that he had also
lost my Dad. Not just him though, it was anyone else in my life. During my not
so proud moments of “Selfish Natasha”, I truly didn’t think of anyone else but
myself. I couldn’t convince myself that everyone else in my family lost him
too. If I was so destroyed over losing him myself, why wouldn’t everyone else
feel the same? “Selfish Natasha” didn’t care. I saw something on Facebook that
sums up “Selfish Natasha”: The day you died, the world didn’t stop. But I wish
that it did. I wish it could have gone quiet, even just for a moment. Something
so big went missing, and yet the sky had the nerve to stay blue.
The next version I want you to meet is “Fake Natasha”. This
version of me is a lot easier to deal with. This is the me that “acts” like
everything is fine when it’s not. I took 4 years of Drama class in high school,
so I learned to be a pretty good actress. “Fake Natasha” can become hyper on a
whim and begin laughing uncontrollably for no reason. Sometimes, you may even
think that she has turned the page and is trying to move on. She uses material
things to make herself seem happy. She gets into certain tv shows or movies or
music to distract herself. So much so that said tv shows, movies or music
somehow ends up helping her heal. I’ll talk more about that later.
Moving right along to “Distracted Natasha”. This version of
me spends every single second thinking of other things and doing other things to
keep from thinking of THE thing. I love Christmas. I always have. This year, in
order to still love Christmas, I had to put THE thing in the back of my mind. I
focused on buying gifts and singing Christmas carols to my cat instead of
thinking about the fact that it’s the first official Christmas without my Dad. I
also had neck surgery. I’ll talk more about that later, but it really did come
in handy at the perfect time of year for me.
Next, we have “Hopeful Natasha”. This version of me made a
playlist when my Dad first passed away. The playlist has songs to help me heal.
Were they songs that made me cry? Yes. But I still don’t think about “Extremely
Sad Natasha” for this, because the tears are more healing tears than sad tears.
This playlist reminds me that my Dad is in a better place living his best life.
His end goal. Back in the summer, on my lunch break, I would take my ear pods
and go walking for half an hour. I listened to this playlist and looked up at
the clouds and felt my Dad’s presence with me so heavily. It made me want to be
healthier as well. It motivated me to care more about my health. My Dad had a
history of strokes, so I want to take care of myself as much as I can. The
playlist took me back to memories of my Dad that always made me smile. They
flow through my mind the entire time the music is playing. This version of me
also talks to my Dad. We have long conversations. About life. About life
without him. About how much he loves me. About how I’ll be okay without him
here with me. How I wonder if there are roller coasters in Heaven. Growing up,
my dad and I were roller coaster buddies. In early May of 2025, one of our
favorite Roller Coasters showed up on my Facebook feed. It’s an old roller
coaster at Dollywood called The Blazing Fury. It opened on May 6, 1978. For
many years we rode that ride repeatedly. I’ll never not think about him when it
comes to roller coasters. I shared that post that showed up on my feed that day
with a caption of my own that read: My Dad was always my roller coaster riding buddy,
and this was one of my favorite ones. I remember riding it with him many times.
I just hope (hopeful Natasha) he’s riding roller coasters again and I can’t
wait to ride one with him when I get there. My mom commented on that post that I made
with: If there’s roller coasters in Heaven, ur Dad is waiting for a ride with
U! “Hopeful Natasha” knows this is true.
The next and last version of me is “Marion’s Daughter”. This
version of me is my favorite. It’s the version of me that is exactly like my
Dad. I do have a lot of my Mom in me as well, and I don’t want that to be
overlooked at all, but in most ways, I am my father’s child. This version of me
is stronger than any other version of myself. This version of me allows me to
deal with the hard things and know that there is a God in Heaven who loves me
and gives me all that strength that I don’t even know that I have. This version
of me cares so much about other people and their feelings. She would never hurt
anyone on purpose, and she is so loveable. She is, as my husband says, a
special person. When I think of my dad, I think of words like: Kind. Loving. Faithful.
Caring. Sweet. Hard-Working. Gentle. Funny. Patient. Selfless. He had a quiet
strength. He could always find something good in people. He looked for the best
in them, and he was always able to find it somehow. I can only pray that people
think of these same words when they think of me.
Now that we have all those versions of me out of the way,
let me talk to you about the last year of my life. The worst year of my life.
Literally.
JANUARY 2025
My dad died the first day of the year. January 1, 2025. That
in itself is enough for the month of January to always suck. On top of that,
the weather was horrendous in January. We had snow. We had ice. We had rain.
You name it, we had it. It was so cold. I tend to hate January in general
because of this, so I guess it works out that I now consider it the worst month
of the year every year.
FEBRUARY 2025
In early February, my brother ended up in the hospital. He
has had a bad time with an infection in one of his legs for quite some time.
The whole time my Dad was sick, he was battling the infection. I think he
didn’t want to do much about it at the time because he knew we were all
concerned about my Dad and he didn’t want to worry anyone with it. In February
he ended up being admitted to the ICU at the hospital my Dad went to in
Winchester. One night, I went for a visit with Dustin. He talked to the nurses there
and they had him believe that my brother was septic. We told my brother that
they said that and we also called my Mom and told her on our way home. A few
days later, they ended up moving him to UK. Not the best place in the world to
be, but what hospital is these days? He ended up staying there for most of
February. However, they were able to get him to a spot he hadn’t been in before
with his leg and he’s done better with it since then. We also spent the first
birthday of my brother’s without my Dad on the 23rd. On a much brighter note, we took Haylie to her
first wrestling show. Monday night Raw in Cincinnati! We also got to meet the
wrestler, A.J. Styles. A highlight of my year.
MARCH 2025
March was a tough month as well. Dustin decided to make
another career change. He was unhappy where he was, and lost a friend in the
move, but ended up going somewhere else that he loves and has made new friends.
It was so hard watching him lose a friend and mentor that he had for over 10
years. Also, in March, Haylie finally turned 18! It was her first birthday
without my Dad. This was probably about the time that we started talking about
selling the house.
APRIL 2025
April had a lot of ups and downs as well. We spent our first
Easter without my Dad. Every holiday this year was so emotional for me.
On April 5th at around 8:00pm, I got a phone call
from a co worker. It had been raining for several days at this point and there
wasn’t really an end in sight. We got word that our office was going to flood
by Sunday afternoon. At first it didn’t seem much to worry about. Then, I was
told the water was expected to get to the ceiling of our office. I packed up my
family and we drove to Frankfort in the pouring rain in the dark. When we got
there, I packed up my entire desk. There were so many people there moving files
upstairs to other floors. It was a nightmare. On our way home, I said out loud
to Dustin, “This is the worst year of my life.” He tried to talk me out of that
statement, but I think now that 2025 is over, he agrees with me.
Sunday morning came, and water began to get into the office.
By Monday, it was about ¾ of the way high. Almost to the ceiling. We closed the
whole next week and part of the week after. Once they found a place for us to
work from temporarily, they had to split us into two groups. Half of us was in
a room at the court of appeals building, and the other half of us were in a
room at AOC. We worked that way for about a month. By the end of May, they had
to move all of us into the lobby at AOC. It was so awful. We tried to make the
best of it, but honestly, there wasn’t anything good about it. We worked there
for 3 full months. Finally, on September 2nd, 2025, we came back to
the courthouse. We are now on the main floor instead of the basement in offices
until they can get the basement fixed for us to go back to. We are still not
sure when that might happen.
On a much brighter note, I also got to meet a member of my
favorite group in the world, New Kids on the Block. Time for a small backstory…
My whole life I have loved New Kids on the Block. My whole life I have loved
Donnie Wahlberg. He was always my favorite. I always said that it was against
the rules to change your favorite member. However, you go back on things you
always thought when you are grieving. In December of 2024, right in the middle
of my Dad being sick, there was a Christmas movie released. It was called
Jingle Bell Love and it had none other than Joey McIntyre (Joey Joe from New
Kids on the Block) in it as the lead actor. I would have watched this movie no
matter what member of the group was in it. I watched the movie, and as silly as
it sounds, it was one of the things that helped me get through my Dad’s
sickness. If you remember from my last blog, there was a NKOTB song that spoke
to me one night after leaving the hospital after seeing my dad. That song was
called “Come Back” and guess who wrote it? That’s right. Joe McIntyre. After
the Christmas movie came out, I heard that Joe had a solo album that was being
released in January. He did a live Instagram video and you could pre-order a
signed copy of the album if you watched the live. Of course I did that. The
album was released in late January. When it came out, it was all I listened to.
It truly did help me get through all the emotions I was feeling at the time. I
feel like God used Joe to reach me during my healing. He used Joe to help me get
through it all. On April 14, 2025, I got to go to his solo tour in Louisville
with my friend Alison. ANNNNDDDDD…. We got to meet him after the show! It was
one of the happiest days of my life and I’ll never forget it. He was so nice
and so sweet and it was a dream come true for me. I wanted to tell him how he’s
helped me heal and how I feel like God used him to help me, but it just didn’t
feel like the right time. I thanked him and smiled at him and moved on. Happy
as a lark. I will include some of his lyrics from the song “Miracle” below that
helped me grieve.
“I don't pray for a sunny day when the rain comes
It's the rain that makes us grow
Find out it's the dark times when the stars shine
And point me where I need to go
Life is full of mistakes, so make another mistake
Maybe the next one you make will be the one that'll finally break you
And just keep baring your soul
Maybe even that walk of shame
Just might lead to a miracle, mm
Amen”
Two days after I met Joe, I celebrated my 9th
wedding anniversary with my Hubby. As much as I love Joe, he does not come
close to how much I love my husband. Now,
I will take time out to share another quote with you that I saw on Facebook.
Someone once told me, “Marry someone you can suffer with.” I
used to think that was so sad. Now I understand. Real love isn’t dinner and
flowers. It’s who holds you when you’re drowning. The one that builds you a
boat.
I know people probably get tired of hearing this, but this
man of mine, he built me a boat. If I can give you any advice in the world,
it’s this. Find you a man who will build you a boat if you feel like you are
drowning. Do not settle. He is out there, I promise. But you can’t have mine. “Jealous
Natasha” wouldn’t like that too much. He would do anything in the world for me
and I know that. We went to Pigeon Forge, one of our favorite spots, for a few
days and it was the best get away I could’ve asked for. It was so nice to be
with the one I love the most on my favorite day of the year. The day I said “I
do” was the very best day of my life. And I never would have made it through
the past year without him. God sure knew what he was doing when he sent him to
me.
Later on in the month, Dustin and I went on a road trip with
my Mom and my brother. We went to each church that my Dad had ever pastored and
spend a few minutes there. It was so nice to be able to revisit those places I
had been with him to so many times in my life. I also heard stories from my Mom
and my brother that I had never heard before. It was sad for me, but it was
also very nice.
At some point in April, my Mom met with a realtor about
selling the house.
MAY 2025
We had a lot of life moments going on in May. Haylie
graduated high school and immediately moved in with us afterwards. She’s been
with us since. We celebrated Dustin’s first birthday without my Dad. We
celebrated at my childhood home. In the backyard of that childhood home, stood
a basketball goal on an iron pole. My dad made that happen in 1982. My brother
told me the story of how he watched my dad and a few other men carry the pole
into the back yard, pour cement, and put the pole in the cement. He also recalled
my Dad writing the year into the cement. You couldn’t see it anymore, so we
decided to clean the cement to see if it would show up. We scrubbed it really
good and it didn’t seem like anything was going to show up at all. We started
playing basketball and the ball bounced and I looked at it again and low and
behold, you could see it. 1982. Dustin went inside and got a pitcher of water
and poured over where he had scrubbed it. Once the water washed off, you could
see it even clearer. That spot is my favorite spot in our house. My dad made
the pole and hung a basketball goal on it for my brother and I. Basketball was
always my jam. I played so much in that backyard. My dad played with me a lot
as well. Those are some of my favorite memories with him. I’ll never forget it.
I’m so glad we were able to clean it off and see it and get pictures of it to
have forever.
On May 17th, we had my Dad’s memorial service. It
was tough, but I was kind of happy when it was over. It was much needed. Dustin
did the service. It was so hard on him, but he did a wonderful job. I wanted
him to do it, otherwise I’m not sure he would have. I just didn’t want him to
have a service to remember his life and it be turned into a church service by
the minister. That’s a big reason I don’t like going to funerals. I feel like
they focus too much on “they are in a better place, and you need to go there
too”, instead of “I’m so sorry you lost this person you love, lets talk about
why you loved him so much.” Maybe that’s wrong of me to feel that way, but you
won’t change my mind. We tried to make his service as lighthearted as possible.
That’s what he would have wanted. We played music before the service, and we
had pictures for people to look at. There were roses and a few people even sent
flowers. We played certain songs during the service and Dustin opened up the
floor for anyone who wanted to say something about my Dad. During the service,
Dustin came up with a poem that he read. He got the idea from an old 80’s movie
called Mask. It starred Cher, Sam Elliott and Eric Stoltz. It’s about a a boy
who had an extremely rare genetic disorder and it made his face look very deformed.
The boy had written a poem and at the end of the movie, his mom finds it. This
poem about my Dad is way different, but had the same concept. I’ll list it
below.
These Things Are Good:
-Reading the Bible
-A Saturday full of westerns
-His hand in a jar of peanut butter
-And riding terrifying roller coasters with his little
girl.
These Things Are Bad:
-Rice and greens on his plate
-Driving the 101 in Los Angeles
-Carrying a steaming hot pizza under his arm
-And riding terrifying roller coasters with his little
girl.
It was my favorite part of the service. We also had index
cards in the pews at the church with a pen attached. We asked everyone to write
down a memory they had with my Dad. We didn’t get many, but the ones we
received were nice to read. I love hearing what other people think of him. In
my mind, he was perfect. Flawless. But hearing other people say that about him,
makes me smile. The church had a meal for us afterwards and we were able to
spend some time with our friends and family who came to celebrate the best man
to ever live.
Later that evening, my Mom was asleep on the couch. Her
neighbor knocked on her door so she let him in. He wanted to tell her that her
other neighbor across the street was interested in buying her house. After my
Mom met with the realtor, she had kind of sat on what she was going to do. She
thought there would be a lot of work that needed to be done to the house, so
she was just thinking about things. She never got back in touch with the
realtor. She took this neighborly meeting as a “sign”, as she should have.
JUNE 2025
When I think June. I think Father’s Day. It was my first
Father’s Day without my Father. Wow. That last sentence is gut wrenching. This
year, Cheerios came out with these new boxes that said a word on the front.
They said things like, FRIEND or MOM or DAD. Of course, once I saw that one
said “DAD”, I had to find a box. I never could find the original Cheerios, but
after posting a picture on facebook, a good friend told me she had just seen
the box at Kroger in Winchester. My husband just happened to be off work, so I
sent him to Winchester. All he could fine was the Honey Nut Cheerios. We went
with it. Regular Cheerios were one of my Dad’s favorites, but he liked the
Honey Nut ones as well. Once I had the cereal, I planned breakfast. I wanted to
have breakfast with my Dad on Father’s Day. My Mom and my brother ended up
joining Dustin, Haylie and myself and we all ate Honey Nut Cheerios for
breakfast on Father’s Day. I can’t remember what food we ate that day, but we
also drank my Dad’s favorite drink. Ale-8 one. Later that day, after my Mom and
my brother had left, I cried my eyes out. Haylie, from across the room, noticed
first. She came over to me and basically laid her body on top of mine and
hugged me. At the young age of 18, she knew exactly what to do. She stayed
there for a good 20 minutes and just let me cry it out.
Two days before Father’s Day, our family went to another
wrestling show. This time it was Friday Night Smackdown in Lexington at Rupp
Arena. Earlier in the day, the love of Haylie’s life was doing a meet and greet
at the Kroger in Versailles. Her Dad had oral surgery on his tooth the day
before that. He still woke up at 2am and drove to Versailles to make sure we
got a spot in line for the meet and greet. Haylie and I showed up around 8am
and the meet and greet was at 11am. By 11:30am, we had all met and had our
picture taken with Cody Rhodes. I know that Haylie will look back on this story
and realize how much her Dad loved her. There are so many times I can do that
with. So many memories. So many life lessons. So many sacrifices. You don’t
always see it at the time, but eventually it’s vivid.
JULY 2025
July was a pretty quiet month I think. I don’t remember a
lot happening other than my family and I being sick and the quick spontaneous
trip we took to Pigeon Forge. We went for 3 days and had a blast. But, we were
all sick. Dustin and I had been sick prior to the trip. Haylie got sick the
night before we were supposed to leave, but they were adamant that we still go.
AUGUST 2025
I spent my first Birthday in 45 years without my Dad. And
the last Birthday after 45 years in my childhood home. I knew that day that it
was the last birthday I would spend in that house, and it was not easy. However,
I did figure out that day that it’s not the house, it’s the people who are in
it. I’m still trying to convince myself of that. More on that later. I remember
that my Mom made Stuffed Peppers and no bake cookies. It was all so yummy! Also
in August, I entered and completed my very first 3K! This was a very big deal
for me. I’ve always struggled with my weight and trying to be healthy. Once I
started walking while listening to my Dad’s playlist, I knew that I could
complete it without an issue. The 3K was one that was put together by my
husband at his place of employment, Liberty Ridge Senior Living. All proceeds
went to the Alzheimer’s Association. The rest of August after that was kind of a
blur. We had to move our office back into the courthouse and it was a crazy
mess.
SEPTEMBER 2025
We spent the first birthday of my Dad without him. We all
met at Burger King, one of my Dad’s favorites, and had a Whopper for my Dad’s
first birthday in Heaven. We went back to my house and had coconut cake and
strawberry ice cream with Ale-8 ones to drink. Again, we tried to make a good
day out of it. More talk about the house came up. The neighbor is really buying
the house. The closing should be set up soon. My brother moved out of the house
into his own place.
OCTOBER 2025
On October 1st, I left work @12pm. I drove to
Paris and picked up my Mom and drove her to Lexington to Whitaker Bank to close
on her house. It didn’t take long at all. I drove her back home and we went to
eat with my brother. After that, we went back to the house and she cut my hair.
For the last time in that house. At the time she was doing it, I knew in my
mind it would be the last time in that house. After she cut my hair, she gave
me something. She had found a wallet of my Dad’s and cleaned it out. It was my
birth announcement from the newspaper. From 1980. Still in pretty good shape
after being in a wallet for over 45 years. It meant the world to me to have
that.
On October 3rd, I had a doctor’s appointment with
a surgeon. I pretty much already knew I was going to have to have a cervical
fusion on my neck. That day, he confirmed it. A few days later, I had a surgery
date. November 12th. This is the worst year of my life.
Later on in the
month, we went back to the house to help my Mom get some stuff cleared out of
the house. October 18th was the day I said goodbye to my back yard.
To my basketball goal. My husband was with me. We laid down on the grass next
to the piece of cement that my Dad wrote 1982 on and took pictures. We took
pictures of a basketball in the yard with the house in the background. We took
pictures of the basketball goal. We shot basketball. My husband made sure I
made my last shot. A hook shot. One that my Dad taught me. Nothing but net.
A week and a half later, I got a text that my Mom was in the
hospital. She had thrown up black and they admitted her. They ended up doing an
Upper GI and found out that she had a hernia that was causing all the issues.
It was similar to the same thing that put her in the hospital a little over a
year ago. She went home on Thursday October 30th. She kept doing
what she could to get stuff packed up and ready.
NOVEMBER 2025
November 1st was a hard day for me. We went to
Paris to move my Mom out of her house and into a new place. We were there a big
part of the day. Mom made Chili and pimento cheese sandwiches for us to have.
We made several trips back and forth and the house pretty much looked empty by
the end of the day. It was harder on me than I let on. I went outside at one
point by myself and took a video of my house. The outside of the house. The
driveway. The field next door that my Dad fell down in while teaching me how to
fly a kite. The hump in the road that my Dad used to speed up and jump just to
make me laugh. The backyard. The basketball goal. I took some pictures as well.
Then, I cried. Right after that, Dustin and Haylie took their walk that they
always went on whenever we went over there. They would walk down the road to
see if any horses were out and typically they would feed the horses an apple. They
did that one last time.
On November 12th, my life was turned upside down.
I had surgery on my neck. I had to be there at 6:00am and I was first in line.
The surgery was supposed to last 3.5 hours. It ended up only lasting 2 hours. I
was in recovery for 3 hours because they couldn’t get my blood pressure under
control. They told me that morning not to take my blood pressure medicine so I
am guessing that’s why it was so high after the surgery. No one bothered to
tell my family why I was in recovery for so long. My nurse that I had in
recovery was wonderful. I could tell he was frustrated with not being able to
give me anything for my blood pressure. Other than that, all I really remember
from my recovery was how sore my throat was when I woke up. It was the worst
one I have ever had and I’m convinced it’s the worst one I’ll ever have. I
finally went to a room and Dustin and my Mom were already in there. Not long
after I got to my room, I noticed my chest was hurting. It gradually began to
hurt worse. I told my nurse and she stated that she thought it was probably
just gas. When the surgeon came by, I mentioned it to him as well. I asked him
if it could have anything to do with the procedure. He kind of just didn’t even
acknowledge my question.
The more the day went by, the more my chest hurt. By the
time the nurse’s shift change came, I was in tears. I didn’t know what was
wrong and what was causing it and it seemed like no one really cared. The night
time nurse came in with the day nurse who said it was gas and I was crying. I
told them that my chest hurt really bad and I was scared. The day nurse looked
at the night nurse and said “what do you want to do?” The night nurse looked at
me and said “I promise you, I will be right back. Give me 5 minutes.” So she
left and the night tech came in. When she came in she said “My name is Haley….”
To me, that was a God send. She had the same name as one of my step daughters. I
still had some tears, so I asked Haley if she knew if the chest pains could
have anything to do with the procedure. She said “Absolutely it can. I’m sure
that’s what it is.” She left and not long after she left, the nurse came back
in. Just like she promised. She told me that she got the doctor to order a
steroid for me to help with my chest pains. She also assured me that she didn’t
believe that my chest pains were heart related at all and that she didn’t take
chest pains lightly. I asked her the same thing I asked Haley. “Could the chest
pains have anything to do with the procedure?” and she confirmed that she was
positive that it was. It only took until 8pm that night for someone to tell me
that I shouldn’t be worried about the chest pains.
I knew at that moment that my nurse and the tech were both
sent to me by God. I like to think that my Dad had something to do with it as
well. Overnight, I felt safe. I knew that these girls would take good care of
me. I even got up in the middle of the night and went for a walk with the
nurse. I felt better being upright, so I really didn’t mind. The next morning,
I was released to go home. My chest still hurt and I was having trouble
swallowing. They said that all of that was normal. The chest pains went on for
about a week and the swallowing… well, it’s still a bit of an issue. It gets
better and then it will be bad again. Some things are easy to swallow, and
others take time. I have to be in a neck brace for a total of 3 months. Those 3
months will be up on February 12th. I have been sleeping on the
couch the entire time. I tried to sleep in the bed, and I just sleep better on
the couch. I started out reclining and now I just lay long ways on the couch. I
keep my brace on while I sleep. They said that I could take the brace off and
lay flat in the bed, and I did try that, but I just don’t get any sleep that
way.
It’s been a rough few months with the brace. I was off work
for 2 months. Now that I’m back, the biggest struggle is driving in the neck
brace. I can’t do the interstate because of merging. Also, now that I’m back,
some of the same pain I had before is back. At this point, I feel like the
surgery didn’t do much good. However, they said I need to give it at least 6
months to a year for the feeling to come back. I’m trying to remain positive.
There are so many things that I couldn’t and still can’t do for myself with the
brace on. My husband was a saint. He gave me sponge baths and helped dress me
every day. Even when he had to go to work himself. Once I could shower, he
washed my hair and helped me wash myself. He walked me up and down the steps
countless times. He cooked. He did laundry. All the things that I normally do,
he tried his best to keep up. Hannah and Haylie were both a big help to him as
well. I was thankful to have Hannah there the first few weeks after my surgery
to be able to help us out. There were times when my Mom came over just to sit
with me. I am truly thankful for her as well. She took me to a few doctor’s
appointments to help Dustin out as well. Even Izzie has been taking care of me.
She keeps her eye on me all night long while I sleep. She sleeps on the love
seat right where she can see me. When I was at home all day, she stayed
wherever I was and kept her eye on me all day. I’m truly blessed with people
who love me, that’s for sure.
We had our first Thanksgiving without my Dad. We had our
first Thanksgiving in a different house. I was glad I had a huge distraction
during that time. I think it made it easier to cope.
DECEMBER 2025
I did my best to enjoy Christmas in the same way I always
have. It would be the first official Christmas without my Dad and without the
house. My family got me the sweetest gift. It was a build a bear. He was
dressed in Bengals gear and when you press his hand, it’s my Dad’s voice. A
video Dustin took of him once when he was in the hospital. He says, “I love you
Natasha. I love you and I hope that you’re well.” I cried my eyes out when I
opened it. He also had a necklace around his neck (that’s actually a necklace
for me) that has my Dad’s handwriting on it. I’m really looking forward to be
able to wear that once I don’t have the brace. We did our Christmas on
Christmas Eve like we always have, then on Christmas Day we went to my Mom’s
house. I missed my Dad, but it was such a nice day. In a weird way, I think it
was easier to not be in the house. It made it not so emotional.
Then, New Year’s Day came. I don’t think January 1st
will ever be New Year’s Day to me again after last year. Instead, it’s the day
my Dad died in 2025. Dustin and I decided to go out to eat that day. We invited
my Mom and my brother and we just went to Jerry’s in Paris. It was nice to see
them and spend time with them.
I feel like I haven’t fully been able to grieve letting go
of the house. I think I’ve been too distracted. When we first left the house, I
said that I would drive by there anytime I went to Paris. I haven’t been by
there one time. I think it’s because I just don’t want to cry. There are times
when I hear a song, or think of a certain memory that happened there, and it
makes me tear up. It just doesn’t seem real to me. It seems like eventually we
will go back there. A good friend had asked me to send her a picture of the
house. She had someone draw a picture of the house from the picture. He also
carved the house onto a piece of wood for me. She also had someone who does
knitting make a cross stitch of the house. It all meant so much to me. We are
making a corner in our living room that’s dedicated to my Dad. I’ll make sure
those things are framed on that wall for sure.
Remember the play list I told you about? I still listen to
it often. I haven’t been able to walk since my surgery, but I do listen to the
songs. Sometimes I never cry. Other times, I cry at every lyric. Lyrics like, “How
do I say goodbye, to someone who’s been with me for my whole life? You gave me
my name and the color of your eyes, I see your face when I look at mine. How do
I, how do I, how do I say goodbye?” and “Through all these seasons, I’m still
believing, You’re my promised land. In all my grieving, I’m still believing,
You’re my promised land.” and “No words appear before me in the aftermath. Salt
streams out my eyes and into my ears. Every single thing I touch becomes sick
with sadness. 'Cause it's all over now, all out to sea. Goodbye, goodbye,
goodbye. You were bigger than the whole sky.
You were more than just a short time. And I've got a lot to pine about, I've
got a lot to live without. I'm never gonna meet, What could've been, would've
been, What should've been you. What could've been, would've been you.”
No one said that losing my Dad would be so hard. No one ever
prepares you for it. People can say all they want to try and help you, but the
long and short of it is, they didn’t know YOUR Dad. They didn’t lose YOUR Dad.
Even if they have experienced loss, they didn’t experience YOUR loss. There was
a quote I saw on Facebook under the group, “Daughter of an Angel.” This is what
it said. “At first, grief is an ocean that pulls you under. With time, it
becomes a river that you learn to swim in. But these waves…They never stop
coming.” I have a friend who lost her Mom going on 4 years ago now. Even now,
when she talks about her Mom to me, she cries. I hope my emotions never stop
like that. I want to cry when I’m talking about how great of a person my Dad
was. I want to cry when others tell me stories about my Dad and how he was a
good man. I want to be able to ride roller coasters again and cry my eyes out
the entire time because I’m thinking about my Dad. I want to cry because I’m
thinking about my Dad dancing in the sky. Which brings me to these lyrics…
“Tell me, what does it look like in heaven? Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say? Does the sun shine bright forever? Have your fears and your pain gone away? 'Cause here on Earth, it feels like everything Good is missing since you left. And here on Earth, everything's different. There's an emptiness. I hope you're dancing in the sky. I hope you're singing in the angel's choir. And I hope the angels know what they have. I'll bet it's so nice up in Heaven since you arrived. So tell me, what do you do up in Heaven?Are your days filled with love and light? Is there music? Is there art and adventure? Tell me, are you happy? Are you more alive? 'Cause here on Earth, it feels like everything. Good is missing since you left. And here on Earth, everything's different. There's an emptiness. I hope you're dancing in the sky. And I hope you're singing in the angel's choir. And I hope the angels know what they have. I'll bet it's so nice up in Heaven since you arrived”
There are so many questions I have. So many things I wonder
on a daily basis. I guess I’ll just have to wait to ask these questions. I know
he will tell me when I get there. Then there are other questions I have. Ones
that make me feel guilty. Ones I wish I didn’t have. Ones that come from
“Selfish Natasha”. Ones like, “God, why did you take him from me? From my Mom?
Why did You allow him to have so much pain in the last 10 years of his life
when all he did was live to serve you? Why?” Eventually when I have these
questions, “Marion’s Daughter” comes in and reminds me that God has a reason
for everything. She reminds me that Dad is no longer in pain. He truly is
dancing in the sky and he feels like doing that. He is looking over me each and
every day. Just like he does Mom. And Travis. And Dustin. He is patiently
waiting for us to get there.
I’ll end with some lyrics from a few different songs. They were both featured in episodes of This is
Us. One of my favorite TV shows of all time. Jack Pearson is a character from
that show. He plays the father on the series. He’s one of my favorite TV
characters ever. He’s not perfect, but he’s perfect to them. When I first
watched the show, I didn’t think about it much. I just would watch it and think
about how great of a Father Jack Pearson was. When I watch it now, I realize
how blessed I was growing up. I had my very own Jack Pearson. It bothers me
that I didn’t see it when I watched it the first time. You know, when my Dad
was still alive. I wish I could tell him how blessed I was to have him as my
Father. How lucky I was to get this one in a million man to call my Dad. How I
wish I could have submitted his name to the show when they were looking for
this made up character to be considered a perfect Dad. For 6 seasons, every
Tuesday night, I watched an hour of this show with this perfect Dad named Jack
Pearson. Only to realize nearly 4 years later, that my Dad was Jack Pearson.
Maybe that’s why I loved the character so much. Because growing up, I had that
perfect Dad. I will shout that statement from the rooftops until I can no
longer breathe.
There is a scene from This Is Us where Jack is cleaning up
the kitchen after having a fun Super Bowl Party with his family. If you have
never watched the show, and you want to, now would be the time to stop reading.
This is a huge spoiler in the series. For those of you who don’t know, This Is
Us jumps back and forth. There are actors who play the cast as younger kids,
teenagers, and adults. We find out early in Season 1 that at some point, Jack
dies. Eventually we find out that their house catches on fire as well. By the
time the actual episode of Jack’s death rolls around, it’s assumed that he dies
in the fire. The scene of him cleaning up the kitchen is the end of the episode
before his death. The first song that I want to share from the show was playing
as he cleaned up the kitchen. It’s called “To Build a Home” by The Cinematic
Orchestra.
This song will get me every single time. It did before my
Dad passed away because of this show. Now, it reminds me of the house I grew up
in. The one that my Mom and Dad had built for us. The one that my Dad made the
basketball goal for. The one that has a deck built on to the side of it that my
Dad built. The one that has a sidewalk made out of rocks that my Mom and Dad
did together. The one that I spent every single Birthday of my life in. It’ll
always be my Home.
“There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don't feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home
'Cause, I built a home
For you
For me
Until it disappeared
From me
From you
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust
Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed it's knees
By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
I held on as tightly as you held onto me
I held on as tightly as you held onto me
And, I built a home
For you
For me
Until it disappeared
From me
From you
And now, it's time
To leave and turn
To dust”
The second song from This Is Us that I wanted to share is
called “Someday Soon”. The line at the end of this blog is from that song.
The righteous man walks in his integrity: his children are
blessed after him. Proverbs 20:7 (KJV)
According to Goodle, the explanation of that verse is
this. A person who consistently does what is right, stays true to their moral
compass, and lives honestly leaves a valuable inheritance for their children,
not just in material goods, but in character, wisdom, and a strong foundation
for their own lives.
Someday soon Daddy. Someday soon.
