'Cause darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

"What comes to our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us." A.W. Tozer

Have you ever heard a certain song and it takes you back to a certain time in your life? Or maybe back to a certain person? I can hear certain songs that make me think of certain people in my life, past or present. I'm sure I could give an answer for the question: What do you think of when you think of me? As long as I know the person, or know of the person, I could give you an answer. It really makes me wonder, what do people think of when they think of me? My whole life, I've been a lot of things. But one thing that will never change, I was, I am, and I always will be a preacher's kid.

Being a PK comes with a lot of stress. I remember being a young kid, sleeping with my mom in her big girl bed, wondering what my Dad was doing. My Dad was at school learning how to be a preacher. That was all I knew. I remember one night, my Mom told me, "If anything ever happens to me, you make sure all of my dolls are taken care of." She used to collect porcelain dolls. I remember how empty that statement made me feel. I remember thinking, "What if something happens to my mom and my dad doesn't make it home?" Of course, none of that happened. My Dad graduated, came home forever, and my Mom got rid of all of her dolls she once held so dear.

I've always looked up to my Dad. Not only is he the best Dad ever, but he is also an admirable man who sacrificed to be able to spread the word of God to others. Because of that, my adult life as a Christian has been trying at times. I have always tried my best to do the right thing. Because it was what I was taught. It was what I was shown. It was what I believed. Sometimes in doing that, I got hurt. I got scarred. I have wounds that took years to heal. It's really hard for me sometimes to go to a church where my Dad isn't the preacher. That has been a struggle for me that no one has known about for years. Andy Stanley said, "If you're a preacher's kid, you see the church differently." Truer words have never been spoken. I find myself being really skeptical of certain things at a church. It took years for me to even wear jeans to a church service. I actually quit going to a church one time because the Preacher wore jeans to preach in every Sunday morning. Little things like that bother me. Why? Simply because I never saw my Dad preach in jeans.

I know that I am hard to love. Hence the title of this blog. One reason being because I am a Preacher's kid. I'm far from perfect. I'm very hard to deal with, especially in the mornings. If something upsets me, I'm completely done for a day or so. I'm horrible about letting one small thing ruin my whole day. I think it comes from me feeling like I don't measure up. I feel like God expects more out of me because I am a Preacher's kid. I don't feel worthy of God's love. It's hard for me to accept the fact that He loves me and that nothing I can do will ever take that love away. Just recently, I have been thinking about our church. My husband started helping with the youth and at first it was hard for him to do it without me. I tried to explain to him that we aren't all called to do the same things. I tried to show him that I have already done that in the past and I felt like God was done with me in that area. Within that struggle, it really made me think. It made my heart do some real soul searching. I began to wonder, "What good can I do for the church?" The more I thought about that, the more I missed the way I grew up.

One night I saw a post on Facebook. It was some friends of mine who had been at church for a birthday party for their son. All of their church friends were sitting around enjoying this party with food, fun, fellowship, and of course, cake. I said out loud, "I miss the Wednesday night Spaghetti dinners." My husband said, "What do you mean?" and I said, "Sometimes I miss being in a small church where everybody knew me." See, I went from being the Preacher's Kid for a lot of years to being just Natasha. Or even more so, Dustin's wife. I have really struggled with fitting in at our church and so it made my struggle for looking for my place in the church even harder. I was really having a hard time with it. The next morning after the Facebook post, I heard a song on my way to work. It was the first time I had heard it, and it completely changed my heart. Just like that, I didn't have to struggle anymore. The song is called "Real Love" by Blanca.

This isn't easy, For me to admit.
I got a fire inside and some words I know I can't keep in.
I see faith turning, Into a show,
Of Sundays and sermons, And words getting caught in the flow.

Oh, but we got real pain and real fears,
Thirsting for the drying of our real tears.
It's not satisfying anymore,
Ain't it true that the veil was torn?

I don't need no stained glass, To be washed in his blood.
I don't need no perfect, put together pretty words, To be enough, no.
I want Jesus and his real love, Something that I crave deep inside of my bones,
So you can leave your religion at home.

Spent my life trying, To keep all the rules.
Now I know it's about what he's already done,
Not about what I think that I gotta do.

After I heard this song, it was like I heard God tell me, "I don't always use people in the church. Each person has their own gift and their own talents. I don't want you to serve in the church just to fit in. I want you to serve for Me." It was so clear to me at that very moment that my struggle was over. There was no need for there to be a struggle in the first place. I know that God has blessed me with the talent of writing. That's the one and only reason I write this blog. I have no idea if it reaches anyone or not, but I know that I'm supposed to be doing it. It doesn't matter how many views it gets, because I know that God is using my ability to write words to reach the world in some way. Recently, I got a new camera. I've always loved photography since I was a kid. The reason I love it so much, is that I've always felt like I'm capturing God's beauty. I want to use it as a ministry for others. I want them to see God's beauty through my eyes. Both of these talents are ones that I love and ones I know God wants me to put to good use. I also know that my Dad is proud of me, and to a Preacher's Kid, that's more important than you realize.

As the song lyrics from above continue, "I want Jesus and His real love, Something that I crave deep inside of my bones. I want real, real love, I want real, real love, I want real, real love." When I think of me, the best way I can describe myself is with the words of Taylor Swift: Darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream. But when God thinks of me, He thinks of His child that He loves with all that He has. And nothing I can ever do will make Him love me more, or less. So, I leave you with the thought, "What do you think of when you think of God?" My answer? Easy. Real Love.

"(Real) Love is patient, (Real) love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (Real) Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (Real) Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8