"And when God opens this next door, you're going to understand why the enemy fought you so hard." -Unknown
A few weeks ago, TobyMac's facebook page shared the above quote on one of their daily "Speak Life" posts, and it nearly knocked me to the ground. Do you ever feel like the devil is inside of you? Like he just entered your body and took over your mind and thoughts? That's what I was feeling on the day I received the above quote on my Facebook time line. There have been way too many times when I have felt like I'm constantly fighting the devil from something. It's easier than we think for us to allow him inside. Most of the time, for me, it happens without me even realizing it. Whenever it happens, I feel like a different person. Not myself at all. Angry and easily irritated. Talking about things that don't matter. But the biggest thing that the devil does to me, is what would hurt the most. Bringing up the past. It's not always my past mistakes either. Actually, it's rarely my past mistakes. This time, it was my past hurts. My past that I thought I had healed from and moved on from.
One of the toughest hurts in the world is a broken relationship. Now, when I say broken relationship, I know everyone automatically thinks of a romantic relationship. That's not the kind I'm speaking of right now. Any type of a relationship can become broken at any moment. We, as humans, have all different types of relationships in our lives. For example, I am a child of God. I am a wife. I am a step-mom. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a daughter-in-law. I am a sister-in-law. I am an aunt. I am a cousin. I am a co-worker. I am an employee. It seems like there is one I am missing..... oh yeah. I am a friend. While I know all of these things are true, when the devil gets in me, he makes me think that I don't live up to all of these wonderful titles.
I honestly believe that God puts certain people in our lives at the times that we need them. I also believe that God may have a plan for us to not always need them. I know because I have experienced it. Sadly, there are people who leave our lives for a reason. The last thing God wants us to do is run after them. Which brings me to another quote I came across on my Facebook time line.
"When God shows you it's time to let someone go and you refuse to, He will allow the person to hurt you to the point you have no choice but to let go." -Unknown
Which is exactly what happened to me. Which is exactly what the devil kept reminding me of over and over again the past few weeks. I have a few friendships that have ended horribly. One of them was a childhood friendship. The other.... the other one was the greatest friendship I ever had with someone other than my husband or my Mom. She was more like my sister than my best friend. There wasn't anything she didn't know about me. I don't want to dwell too deep into it, mainly because it still hurts to even think about it. My point I want to make with this is, there was a reason that God didn't want these friendships to continue for me. I may not know why, but I know that it was in His will for my life.
So... as I'm in the middle of the devil's scheming, I hear a song. I was on my way to work one morning and I heard a song I hadn't heard in a while. It was by Zach Williams and it's called "Under My Feet". Here are some of the lyrics.
"You might not recognize me now.
Those chains that once surrounded me are layin on the ground.
You can't keep digging up my past.
You may have had a laugh or two but you won't get the last.
You might not recognize me now.
If you want scars I'll show you scars.
All the wounds upon the hands of light that pierced in the dark.
If I were you I'd be afraid.
'Cause everything you meant for guilt the cross has met with grace.
Maybe I was blind but now I see, maybe I was bound but now I'm free,
Maybe you need remindin' you're under my feet.
Maybe you're a lie that I don't need, maybe you should listen when I speak,
Maybe you need remindin' you're under my feet.
I think it's time you meet my maker, I think it's time you meet my maker.
I think it's time that you remember, I think it's time that you remember.
And maybe this is where we say farewell, maybe you should get on back to hell,
Maybe you need remindin' you're under my feet."
As I was driving and singing this song with tears in my eyes, I suddenly realized what had happened. He had done it again. Satan, I mean. He knows exactly how to get us. That's why he is our number one enemy. He is our bad blood. The good news is, there is a blood that covers all of our sins. So much so that we don't need that bad blood to flow through our veins any longer.
One of the most misinterpreted bible verses ever has to be Matthew 5:38 which says: "You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury; 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.'"
Now, if we leave it at that, it tells us that if someone wrongs you, then you repay it with a wrong to them. How many times have you heard someone say, "Well the bible says an eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth."? This is one of those things that bothers me and makes me think that people actually think it's what it means. Or that's what they want it to mean. However, when you read verse 39 you realize that's actually NOT what it says, or what it means. It goes on to say, "But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also." In other words, it doesn't do us any good to hurt someone who has hurt us. We simply turn the other cheek to them, and let it go. Easier said than done, I know. From personal experience, I know.
So, how exactly is that accomplished? One word. Forgiveness. Nelson Mandela said, "When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive." We have to take the old saying to heart, What Would Jesus Do? I know that Jesus got mad. Jesus got hurt. Jesus was betrayed by people He thought were His friends. Jesus fought the Enemy. Correction. Jesus FIGHTS the Enemy on a daily basis. All we have to do is trust Him. Give Him your hurts. Your battles. No matter what you think you know, I can tell you this. My God will CRUSH Satan and keep him under your feet. At all times. Read that again for me. At ALL times.
"The God of Peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. May the grace of our Lord Jesus be with you." Romans 16:20
Sunday, July 19, 2020
Friday, May 15, 2020
Coming Out of the Dark
"I find your lack of faith disturbing." ~Darth Vader
Star Wars: A New Hope
A title of a very famous movie that was released in 1977. This was 3 years before I was even born. As a matter of fact, the sequel to this movie was The Empire Strikes Back and it was released the year I was born. I believe it was the #1 movie the day I was born, which makes sense. I'm not going to focus too much on the movies themselves, as I am on the quote and the title of Episode IV. Just to sum it up, Princess Leia obtains the schematics of the Death Star, which is designed to destroy. She then is forced to hide the plans because she is captured by Darth Vader. She hides the plans in R2-D2 who flees in an escape pod to Tatooine. There he finds Luke Skywalker. Luke finds the hidden holographic recording of Leia and she asks for the help of Obi-Wan Kenobi. Luke knows a Kenobi, his uncle Ben. Finally Ben reveals to Luke that he used to be a Jedi Knight, until they were wiped out by the Galactic Empire. Ben tells Luke his father also fought alongside of him, until Darth Vader murdered him. He also gives Luke his fathers light saber. Luke sets off to find and eventually rescue Leia from the Galactic Empire. In her hidden message that was stored in R2-D2, she said "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."
What is your only hope? Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever taken the title of a movie and turned it into something deeper? That's exactly what I have done here. With the Corona Virus being the death star, The Devil being Darth Vader and Obi-Wan being Jesus. Now the end is in sight and the new hope is here. No matter how dark things can get, there is always a light waiting for us. There have been many dark times in my life. I can think of probably 10 just off the top of my head. But, as long as I kept one thing, I knew the light would return. That one thing? Hope.
There is a song by Michael W. Smith that has really brought me through some trying times. One of the hardest times of my life was dealing with my Dad's second stroke. This song brought me through it. A whole lot of tears have been shed while listening to this song and here are the lyrics.
"My hope has found it's resting place
And I'll search no more.
My hope has found it's resting place
And I'll search no more.
My hope has found it's anchor safe
And Your rock it holds.
My hope has found it's anchor safe
And Your rock it holds.
Even the darkness is light to You.
Even the darkness is light to You.
It's hard to believe it, but You say that it's true.
Even the darkness is light to You.
If I made my bed in the depths
If I rise on the wings of the morning.
Through the farthest horizon You're there.
You will find me, You will find me.
Even my darkness is light to You.
Even my darkness is light to You.
From the deepest of depths to the stars up above.
There is no way I could escape Your steadfast love.
It's hard to believe it but You say that it's true.
Even my darkness is light to You."
With all the darkness that has surrounded us all the past few months, I know we are all excited to see the light again. To be able to fully live again with our own free will. The thing about it is, God knew this was going to happen. Maybe God wants us to have more hope. More trust in Him. More love for Him. More.....time. More time for Him. More time for us. For each other. For family. I know that I have learned a few things during this time. First and foremost, I don't do well when I can't see Haylie. We went for 52 days without seeing her. Without touching her. Without hugging her. Without seeing her face. I still get emotional when I think about it. Last weekend, on May 8th, I saw her again. I touched her again. I hugged her again. For about 5 minutes straight I didn't let go of her. For whatever reason, God didn't make me a birth Mom. It's something that I haven't really ever understood. However, He did allow me to be a Bonus Mom. A Step-Mom. He gave me a Mother's heart. I love both of my girls just like they are my very own. My heart beats for them. On Saturday, we celebrated Mother's Day for me. We ate whatever I wanted and spent time together watching a show that Haylie and I both wanted to watch. The highlight of that day came in a spontaneous trip to Dunkin' Donuts. Our FAVORITE! Haylie and I got in the car and drove a half an hour away just to get a cup of coffee. It was the best hour of the whole weekend. Just talking to her and catching up. Listening to her favorite singer on the way home. My heart felt so full. And in that moment I knew that I never want to go 52 days without hugging her ever again.
"We shine like stars in a dark world." Philippians 2:15
Another thing I have learned about myself during all of this is that I seem to trust God more during trying times. I have honestly prayed more, read more, listened to more music and been way more in tune with my spiritual self through this whole thing. I keep trying my best to find the good in everything. Things have kind of all blended together so I can't remember exactly when it was, but our local hospital had a prayer night. They put it on facebook and said that anyone who wanted to come at a certain time to be there. Dustin and I went and it was one of the most amazing things I've ever been a part of. There wasn't an empty parking space at the hospital. They had a speaker set up playing worship music and the girl that headed it up said a few words and prayed. Turns out, she was a nurse from our local hospital. Everyone sat there somehow together. In unison. And we all wanted the same things. We sat in our cars and honked the horns instead of saying "amen" and had our flashers on to "praise and worship". It was an amazing experience and it's something I'll never forget. One last thing that I have learned about myself during this, Jeremy Camp's words and music has been a true God send through all this. One of his new songs, Out of My Hands, was the thing that kept me going when all I could think about was not seeing Haylie. Here are the lyrics.
"Everyday this never ending pressure
Tries to take it's claim over my heart.
I have tried to hold it all together
But time and time again I fall apart.
But that's where I find my life was never mine at all
You are the One inside, always in control.
Letting go of worries I can't messure
Holding on to truth that's healing me.
Knowing I can trust You is a treasure
With eyes wide open, now I finally see.
It's here that I find my life was never mine at all
You're still the One inside, always in control.
So when it feels like all of this pain is never gonna end.
Brought to my knees by all of these things I don't understand, don't understand.
I will let the weight of my fear fall like sand.
Out of my hands and into Yours, Out of my hands and into Yours.
Take this out of my hands, take this out of my hands.
There's nothing that You can't handle
God You are strong enough.
Only You can take this out of my hands.
You're greater than all my sorrows
Worthy of all my trust.
Thank you Lord, that this is out of my hands. Out of my hands."
Sometimes when I doubt God, I can hear Him say to me through His Darth Vader mask, "I find your lack of faith disturbing." There are many times when I do have a lack of faith. It's really easy to have doubt especially in trying times such as these. But, what we have to do is simply trust Him. He knew this was all going to happen before it ever came. Rest in knowing that. Rest in knowing that He was prepared for the Death Star to try and destroy His people. He also knew that all of his Prince and Princesses would find a way to conquer. Take up your "light saber" and follow Him no matter what darkness you go through. Use the "light saber" to light your way. In the end, as we all know, we will find and experience A New Hope.
Nahum 1:7
The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in Him.
Star Wars: A New Hope
A title of a very famous movie that was released in 1977. This was 3 years before I was even born. As a matter of fact, the sequel to this movie was The Empire Strikes Back and it was released the year I was born. I believe it was the #1 movie the day I was born, which makes sense. I'm not going to focus too much on the movies themselves, as I am on the quote and the title of Episode IV. Just to sum it up, Princess Leia obtains the schematics of the Death Star, which is designed to destroy. She then is forced to hide the plans because she is captured by Darth Vader. She hides the plans in R2-D2 who flees in an escape pod to Tatooine. There he finds Luke Skywalker. Luke finds the hidden holographic recording of Leia and she asks for the help of Obi-Wan Kenobi. Luke knows a Kenobi, his uncle Ben. Finally Ben reveals to Luke that he used to be a Jedi Knight, until they were wiped out by the Galactic Empire. Ben tells Luke his father also fought alongside of him, until Darth Vader murdered him. He also gives Luke his fathers light saber. Luke sets off to find and eventually rescue Leia from the Galactic Empire. In her hidden message that was stored in R2-D2, she said "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."
What is your only hope? Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever taken the title of a movie and turned it into something deeper? That's exactly what I have done here. With the Corona Virus being the death star, The Devil being Darth Vader and Obi-Wan being Jesus. Now the end is in sight and the new hope is here. No matter how dark things can get, there is always a light waiting for us. There have been many dark times in my life. I can think of probably 10 just off the top of my head. But, as long as I kept one thing, I knew the light would return. That one thing? Hope.
There is a song by Michael W. Smith that has really brought me through some trying times. One of the hardest times of my life was dealing with my Dad's second stroke. This song brought me through it. A whole lot of tears have been shed while listening to this song and here are the lyrics.
"My hope has found it's resting place
And I'll search no more.
My hope has found it's resting place
And I'll search no more.
My hope has found it's anchor safe
And Your rock it holds.
My hope has found it's anchor safe
And Your rock it holds.
Even the darkness is light to You.
Even the darkness is light to You.
It's hard to believe it, but You say that it's true.
Even the darkness is light to You.
If I made my bed in the depths
If I rise on the wings of the morning.
Through the farthest horizon You're there.
You will find me, You will find me.
Even my darkness is light to You.
Even my darkness is light to You.
From the deepest of depths to the stars up above.
There is no way I could escape Your steadfast love.
It's hard to believe it but You say that it's true.
Even my darkness is light to You."
With all the darkness that has surrounded us all the past few months, I know we are all excited to see the light again. To be able to fully live again with our own free will. The thing about it is, God knew this was going to happen. Maybe God wants us to have more hope. More trust in Him. More love for Him. More.....time. More time for Him. More time for us. For each other. For family. I know that I have learned a few things during this time. First and foremost, I don't do well when I can't see Haylie. We went for 52 days without seeing her. Without touching her. Without hugging her. Without seeing her face. I still get emotional when I think about it. Last weekend, on May 8th, I saw her again. I touched her again. I hugged her again. For about 5 minutes straight I didn't let go of her. For whatever reason, God didn't make me a birth Mom. It's something that I haven't really ever understood. However, He did allow me to be a Bonus Mom. A Step-Mom. He gave me a Mother's heart. I love both of my girls just like they are my very own. My heart beats for them. On Saturday, we celebrated Mother's Day for me. We ate whatever I wanted and spent time together watching a show that Haylie and I both wanted to watch. The highlight of that day came in a spontaneous trip to Dunkin' Donuts. Our FAVORITE! Haylie and I got in the car and drove a half an hour away just to get a cup of coffee. It was the best hour of the whole weekend. Just talking to her and catching up. Listening to her favorite singer on the way home. My heart felt so full. And in that moment I knew that I never want to go 52 days without hugging her ever again.
"We shine like stars in a dark world." Philippians 2:15
Another thing I have learned about myself during all of this is that I seem to trust God more during trying times. I have honestly prayed more, read more, listened to more music and been way more in tune with my spiritual self through this whole thing. I keep trying my best to find the good in everything. Things have kind of all blended together so I can't remember exactly when it was, but our local hospital had a prayer night. They put it on facebook and said that anyone who wanted to come at a certain time to be there. Dustin and I went and it was one of the most amazing things I've ever been a part of. There wasn't an empty parking space at the hospital. They had a speaker set up playing worship music and the girl that headed it up said a few words and prayed. Turns out, she was a nurse from our local hospital. Everyone sat there somehow together. In unison. And we all wanted the same things. We sat in our cars and honked the horns instead of saying "amen" and had our flashers on to "praise and worship". It was an amazing experience and it's something I'll never forget. One last thing that I have learned about myself during this, Jeremy Camp's words and music has been a true God send through all this. One of his new songs, Out of My Hands, was the thing that kept me going when all I could think about was not seeing Haylie. Here are the lyrics.
"Everyday this never ending pressure
Tries to take it's claim over my heart.
I have tried to hold it all together
But time and time again I fall apart.
But that's where I find my life was never mine at all
You are the One inside, always in control.
Letting go of worries I can't messure
Holding on to truth that's healing me.
Knowing I can trust You is a treasure
With eyes wide open, now I finally see.
It's here that I find my life was never mine at all
You're still the One inside, always in control.
So when it feels like all of this pain is never gonna end.
Brought to my knees by all of these things I don't understand, don't understand.
I will let the weight of my fear fall like sand.
Out of my hands and into Yours, Out of my hands and into Yours.
Take this out of my hands, take this out of my hands.
There's nothing that You can't handle
God You are strong enough.
Only You can take this out of my hands.
You're greater than all my sorrows
Worthy of all my trust.
Thank you Lord, that this is out of my hands. Out of my hands."
Sometimes when I doubt God, I can hear Him say to me through His Darth Vader mask, "I find your lack of faith disturbing." There are many times when I do have a lack of faith. It's really easy to have doubt especially in trying times such as these. But, what we have to do is simply trust Him. He knew this was all going to happen before it ever came. Rest in knowing that. Rest in knowing that He was prepared for the Death Star to try and destroy His people. He also knew that all of his Prince and Princesses would find a way to conquer. Take up your "light saber" and follow Him no matter what darkness you go through. Use the "light saber" to light your way. In the end, as we all know, we will find and experience A New Hope.
Nahum 1:7
The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in Him.
Monday, April 13, 2020
Ma-ma-ma-my CORONA!
At the beginning of this year, I was brainstorming a new blog. The title was going to be: Coming Out of the Dark. I was going to talk about a new year, and how excited I was to see it arrive. I was going to talk about Star Wars: A New Hope and I even had the songs and Bible verses picked out. I never got around to writing it, and now this. I can still write the blog, however it won't have the same title, and it definitely won't be about how excited I am to be here in 2020. In fact, maybe I'll just save those words for a later time. A time when we will be ready to see a new hope come into our country.
I don't remember what day it actually was when I began to feel the panic along with everyone else. I remember on March 11th, I texted my husband to ask him about going to see a movie that I couldn't wait to see. The movie is called "I Still Believe" and it's based on the book by my favorite Christian artist, Jeremy Camp. It was being released on March 13th, however a theater in Lexington had it early. On Thursday March 12th, my husband and I drove to Lexington in the pouring rain to see this movie. I left the theater feeling refreshed. Feeling hopeful. Knowing God is always in control. We went from the theater into Meijer just to pick up a t-shirt that my husband had wanted. I remember thinking how crazy it was that everyone in Meijer had their buggy's as full as they would go. Toilet Paper, Paper Towels, massive amounts of water and two liter's of pop, frozen pizza and other frozen foods. I looked at them, and then I looked at us. Here we were standing in line to check out with only a t-shirt in our hands. It was then that I wondered if the world had just gone crazy.
The next day after work, my husband picked up Haylie in Crittenden as usual. We found out that her school had cancelled for the next three weeks, so we were keeping her a few days extra after the weekend. We had planned on celebrating Haylie's birthday over the weekend so we had been looking forward to it. On Saturday, we took her to eat at Olive Garden followed by Dunkin Donuts. Her choice. I remember how crazy it was to go to Olive Garden and go right in without a wait. I remember thinking that there weren't many people in there and the crowd at the mall looked to be down as well. It was our last meal we were able to eat in a restaurant. The next day, we went to my Mom's house to celebrate Haylie one more time. I remember us thinking about how much toilet paper we had left and when we would need to start searching for it. I remember us talking about how crazy everything was and did we really need to panic?
March 17th, 2020. The last day we saw Haylie. Had I fully known on this day what was coming, I would have played it out completely different. I got home from work, and was able to say bye to Haylie for about 15 minutes. I remember we talked about her taking some stuff from her room home to her mom's. Dustin left the decision up to me. I figure that she is at her Mom's a lot more than she is at our house, and if there is something that she wants to take from her room here to the one at her Mom's, then I'll almost always say yes. It's hers, and I'm sure she wants it to be where she can use it the most. I'm so thankful I made that decision. She hugged me tight and thanked me for letting her take it. When they were headed out the door, she turned around and came and hugged me again. That was the last time I saw her. That was the last time I hugged her. The last time I kissed her forehead. After she left, I went to the kitchen and noticed the fridge. She had spelled out my name on the front of the fridge with magnets. My heart melted and I smiled. Longing for the next weekend she would come over. However, that weekend never came.
That night, I heard a song. Brand new lyrics by none other than Jeremy Camp. He woke up that morning, wrote this song, then sang it to the world on Facebook live. It's called "Whatever May Come" and I have listened to it at least once a day ever since the day he sang it. Here are the lyrics:
"Whatever I face, Whatever the fear
Whatever the cost, You always draw near
Whatever the pain, Whatever may come
Whatever may fall, Your love overcomes
I will Call, I will call upon You
Whatever I face You are with me
I will fall, I will fall on my knees
For every heart break You will hold me
Every wall will break, All the darkness shake
All the joy will be renewed
So every knee let's bow, raise a victory shout
For the King will make things new
Every mountain moved, every lie be loosed
For Your banner we're lifting high
I will call, I will call upon You
Whatever I face You are with me
I will fall, I will fall on my knees
For every heart break, You will hold me"
Little did I know the impact this song would have on me over the following days. The words were exactly what I was needing to stay sane. To not join the panic. To not freak out and let fear set in. John 14:27 says: "Peace I leave with you. My Peace. Don't let your hearts be troubled, neither let it be fearful." Peace. What is peace anyway? Have we all forgotten what peace really means? It seems that the more I have the TV on, the more fearful I get. The media has a way of getting to you. No matter the situation, the media gets you right where they want you. Right now, the world is living in fear.
The next weekend we would have had Haylie would have been March 27th. However, all the parents agreed that it was best that we didn't transport her back and forth for her safety. Haylie has asthma, and none of us wanted to chance anything happening to her. I missed her, but I knew it was for the best.
Now, because of me going to see the movie, I Still Believe, right before everything got crazy, I was (and still am) only listening to Jeremy Camp's music. This has been my saving grace through this whole thing. I get songs stuck in my head all the time and one day as I was walking into work thinking about everything going on, these words rang in my head. The lyrics to "Same Power"...
"I can see waters raging at my feet
I can feel the breath of those surrounding me
I can hear the sound of nations rising up
we will not be overtaken we will not be overcome
I can walk down this dark and painful road
I can face every fear of the unknown
I can hear all God's children singing out
We will not be overtaken we will not be overcome
We have hope that His promises are true
In His strength there is nothing we can't do
Yes we know there are greater things in store
We will not be overtaken we will not be overcome"
But, the part that really got me.... This.
"The same power that rose Jesus from the grace
The same power that commands the dead to wake
Lives in us. Lives in us.
The same power that moves mountains when He speaks
The same power that can calm a raging sea
Lives in us. Lives in us.
Greater is He that is living in me
He's conquered our enemy
No power of darkness
No weapon prevails
We stand here in victory."
My thoughts? If the same power that moves mountains when He speaks lives in us, then what's to stop us from moving some mountains? What's to keep us from conquering this enemy that is trying it's best to destroy us right now? If we could all come together and proclaim that God is God and believe that He can move the mountains and that He will move the mountains, why wouldn't He? Inside me. He lives there. His power lives there. If we could just stop listening to the media for one minute, and come together as believers. Allow Him to move mountains. Allow Him to calm this raging sea. Like we KNOW that He can.
April 7, 2020. My Meltdown. At this point, it had been 21 days since I had seen, touched or hugged Haylie. It had been 23 days since I had seen, touched or hugged my Mom or Dad. And I just plain lost it. It was almost 10pm that night and I just couldn't do it anymore. I started screaming and crying. I couldn't stop the pain. I was so frustrated with the fact that my family had been following the orders from the governor and president, yet other people weren't. I couldn't wrap my head around what the difference was in seeing my family and going to work to see people I work with. I was wondering why this had to happen in the middle of Hannah and Nick trying to plan the greatest day of their lives. I was struggling big time. I kept wondering why we had to have a court order to cross state lines to see Haylie. I didn't sleep well that night, but I prayed a lot. I asked God to please make this be over so that I can hug my baby girl again. I would give anything to see her from across the room. Just to be in the same room with her. I would give anything to take this away so that she would be here with us. I would give anything for this to be over so that Hannah can plan what needs to be planned without any questions. My heart is just broken for these reasons. Reasons that I don't have any control over. I prayed for these reasons. My heart is always broken for the same reasons... other people. People that I love and would give my life for.
The next day when I got up, I was still pretty emotional. I saw that Jeremy Camp was hosting a night of prayer and worship on Facebook that night and I discussed watching it with my husband before I left for work. My Mom posted something on my wall on Facebook and it reminded me that I can't let the enemy win. It was from TobyMac's facebook page and it was meme that said: "today the devil whispered in my ear 'you are not strong enough to withstand the storm.' I whispered '6 feet back satan'." I got in my car to head to work and I turned on my JC (Jeremy Camp) playlist on my phone for the drive as I do every morning. It's amazing how God works. Here are the titles to the songs that played that day on my drive to work: 1. He Knows 2. Out of My Hands 3. The Answer 4. Same Power 5. Whatever May Come God speaks to me most through music, and He knew exactly the words I needed to hear that day. That night, I came home and I listened to the prayer and worship with Jeremy and Adie Camp. My heart praised and worshiped the whole time. I had tears streaming down my face. All the while knowing that God is in control.
On my drive to work on Friday, which happened to be Good Friday, something hit me. The line in the song "Whatever May Come" that says "For the King will make things new". That's it. Isn't that what we all know? Isn't that what we all are longing for? In this time, are you growing? Are you allowing God to use you? Give God your whole heart and ask Him to use it. I truly believe that God will get all of us through this time. He will move mountains, he will calm the raging seas. Hasn't He proved that He can? He's already done these things before. My "go to" song has been "Do It Again" for some time now. It's a song for every season. You can listen when you are happy and praise Him. Or you can listen when you are sad or afraid and believe in Him. Here are some of the lyrics.
"I've seen You move, You move the mountains
And I believe I'll see You do it again.
You made a way when there was no way
And I believe I'll see You do it again.
You're promise still stands, Great is Your faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands, this is my confidence
You never failed me yet."
He will not fail us. He will protect us. He will make a way. He will move the mountains. TobyMac said, "In the darkest times of your life, your praise to God should be the loudest. Let the enemy know you're not afraid of the dark." Proclaim it right now, you are not afraid, because Your God is bigger than any virus anyone could come up with. He is bigger than anything you face. And He WILL make things new.
Revelation 21:4-5
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
I don't remember what day it actually was when I began to feel the panic along with everyone else. I remember on March 11th, I texted my husband to ask him about going to see a movie that I couldn't wait to see. The movie is called "I Still Believe" and it's based on the book by my favorite Christian artist, Jeremy Camp. It was being released on March 13th, however a theater in Lexington had it early. On Thursday March 12th, my husband and I drove to Lexington in the pouring rain to see this movie. I left the theater feeling refreshed. Feeling hopeful. Knowing God is always in control. We went from the theater into Meijer just to pick up a t-shirt that my husband had wanted. I remember thinking how crazy it was that everyone in Meijer had their buggy's as full as they would go. Toilet Paper, Paper Towels, massive amounts of water and two liter's of pop, frozen pizza and other frozen foods. I looked at them, and then I looked at us. Here we were standing in line to check out with only a t-shirt in our hands. It was then that I wondered if the world had just gone crazy.
The next day after work, my husband picked up Haylie in Crittenden as usual. We found out that her school had cancelled for the next three weeks, so we were keeping her a few days extra after the weekend. We had planned on celebrating Haylie's birthday over the weekend so we had been looking forward to it. On Saturday, we took her to eat at Olive Garden followed by Dunkin Donuts. Her choice. I remember how crazy it was to go to Olive Garden and go right in without a wait. I remember thinking that there weren't many people in there and the crowd at the mall looked to be down as well. It was our last meal we were able to eat in a restaurant. The next day, we went to my Mom's house to celebrate Haylie one more time. I remember us thinking about how much toilet paper we had left and when we would need to start searching for it. I remember us talking about how crazy everything was and did we really need to panic?
March 17th, 2020. The last day we saw Haylie. Had I fully known on this day what was coming, I would have played it out completely different. I got home from work, and was able to say bye to Haylie for about 15 minutes. I remember we talked about her taking some stuff from her room home to her mom's. Dustin left the decision up to me. I figure that she is at her Mom's a lot more than she is at our house, and if there is something that she wants to take from her room here to the one at her Mom's, then I'll almost always say yes. It's hers, and I'm sure she wants it to be where she can use it the most. I'm so thankful I made that decision. She hugged me tight and thanked me for letting her take it. When they were headed out the door, she turned around and came and hugged me again. That was the last time I saw her. That was the last time I hugged her. The last time I kissed her forehead. After she left, I went to the kitchen and noticed the fridge. She had spelled out my name on the front of the fridge with magnets. My heart melted and I smiled. Longing for the next weekend she would come over. However, that weekend never came.
That night, I heard a song. Brand new lyrics by none other than Jeremy Camp. He woke up that morning, wrote this song, then sang it to the world on Facebook live. It's called "Whatever May Come" and I have listened to it at least once a day ever since the day he sang it. Here are the lyrics:
"Whatever I face, Whatever the fear
Whatever the cost, You always draw near
Whatever the pain, Whatever may come
Whatever may fall, Your love overcomes
I will Call, I will call upon You
Whatever I face You are with me
I will fall, I will fall on my knees
For every heart break You will hold me
Every wall will break, All the darkness shake
All the joy will be renewed
So every knee let's bow, raise a victory shout
For the King will make things new
Every mountain moved, every lie be loosed
For Your banner we're lifting high
I will call, I will call upon You
Whatever I face You are with me
I will fall, I will fall on my knees
For every heart break, You will hold me"
Little did I know the impact this song would have on me over the following days. The words were exactly what I was needing to stay sane. To not join the panic. To not freak out and let fear set in. John 14:27 says: "Peace I leave with you. My Peace. Don't let your hearts be troubled, neither let it be fearful." Peace. What is peace anyway? Have we all forgotten what peace really means? It seems that the more I have the TV on, the more fearful I get. The media has a way of getting to you. No matter the situation, the media gets you right where they want you. Right now, the world is living in fear.
The next weekend we would have had Haylie would have been March 27th. However, all the parents agreed that it was best that we didn't transport her back and forth for her safety. Haylie has asthma, and none of us wanted to chance anything happening to her. I missed her, but I knew it was for the best.
Now, because of me going to see the movie, I Still Believe, right before everything got crazy, I was (and still am) only listening to Jeremy Camp's music. This has been my saving grace through this whole thing. I get songs stuck in my head all the time and one day as I was walking into work thinking about everything going on, these words rang in my head. The lyrics to "Same Power"...
"I can see waters raging at my feet
I can feel the breath of those surrounding me
I can hear the sound of nations rising up
we will not be overtaken we will not be overcome
I can walk down this dark and painful road
I can face every fear of the unknown
I can hear all God's children singing out
We will not be overtaken we will not be overcome
We have hope that His promises are true
In His strength there is nothing we can't do
Yes we know there are greater things in store
We will not be overtaken we will not be overcome"
But, the part that really got me.... This.
"The same power that rose Jesus from the grace
The same power that commands the dead to wake
Lives in us. Lives in us.
The same power that moves mountains when He speaks
The same power that can calm a raging sea
Lives in us. Lives in us.
Greater is He that is living in me
He's conquered our enemy
No power of darkness
No weapon prevails
We stand here in victory."
My thoughts? If the same power that moves mountains when He speaks lives in us, then what's to stop us from moving some mountains? What's to keep us from conquering this enemy that is trying it's best to destroy us right now? If we could all come together and proclaim that God is God and believe that He can move the mountains and that He will move the mountains, why wouldn't He? Inside me. He lives there. His power lives there. If we could just stop listening to the media for one minute, and come together as believers. Allow Him to move mountains. Allow Him to calm this raging sea. Like we KNOW that He can.
April 7, 2020. My Meltdown. At this point, it had been 21 days since I had seen, touched or hugged Haylie. It had been 23 days since I had seen, touched or hugged my Mom or Dad. And I just plain lost it. It was almost 10pm that night and I just couldn't do it anymore. I started screaming and crying. I couldn't stop the pain. I was so frustrated with the fact that my family had been following the orders from the governor and president, yet other people weren't. I couldn't wrap my head around what the difference was in seeing my family and going to work to see people I work with. I was wondering why this had to happen in the middle of Hannah and Nick trying to plan the greatest day of their lives. I was struggling big time. I kept wondering why we had to have a court order to cross state lines to see Haylie. I didn't sleep well that night, but I prayed a lot. I asked God to please make this be over so that I can hug my baby girl again. I would give anything to see her from across the room. Just to be in the same room with her. I would give anything to take this away so that she would be here with us. I would give anything for this to be over so that Hannah can plan what needs to be planned without any questions. My heart is just broken for these reasons. Reasons that I don't have any control over. I prayed for these reasons. My heart is always broken for the same reasons... other people. People that I love and would give my life for.
The next day when I got up, I was still pretty emotional. I saw that Jeremy Camp was hosting a night of prayer and worship on Facebook that night and I discussed watching it with my husband before I left for work. My Mom posted something on my wall on Facebook and it reminded me that I can't let the enemy win. It was from TobyMac's facebook page and it was meme that said: "today the devil whispered in my ear 'you are not strong enough to withstand the storm.' I whispered '6 feet back satan'." I got in my car to head to work and I turned on my JC (Jeremy Camp) playlist on my phone for the drive as I do every morning. It's amazing how God works. Here are the titles to the songs that played that day on my drive to work: 1. He Knows 2. Out of My Hands 3. The Answer 4. Same Power 5. Whatever May Come God speaks to me most through music, and He knew exactly the words I needed to hear that day. That night, I came home and I listened to the prayer and worship with Jeremy and Adie Camp. My heart praised and worshiped the whole time. I had tears streaming down my face. All the while knowing that God is in control.
On my drive to work on Friday, which happened to be Good Friday, something hit me. The line in the song "Whatever May Come" that says "For the King will make things new". That's it. Isn't that what we all know? Isn't that what we all are longing for? In this time, are you growing? Are you allowing God to use you? Give God your whole heart and ask Him to use it. I truly believe that God will get all of us through this time. He will move mountains, he will calm the raging seas. Hasn't He proved that He can? He's already done these things before. My "go to" song has been "Do It Again" for some time now. It's a song for every season. You can listen when you are happy and praise Him. Or you can listen when you are sad or afraid and believe in Him. Here are some of the lyrics.
"I've seen You move, You move the mountains
And I believe I'll see You do it again.
You made a way when there was no way
And I believe I'll see You do it again.
You're promise still stands, Great is Your faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands, this is my confidence
You never failed me yet."
He will not fail us. He will protect us. He will make a way. He will move the mountains. TobyMac said, "In the darkest times of your life, your praise to God should be the loudest. Let the enemy know you're not afraid of the dark." Proclaim it right now, you are not afraid, because Your God is bigger than any virus anyone could come up with. He is bigger than anything you face. And He WILL make things new.
Revelation 21:4-5
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
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