At the beginning of this year, I was brainstorming a new blog. The title was going to be: Coming Out of the Dark. I was going to talk about a new year, and how excited I was to see it arrive. I was going to talk about Star Wars: A New Hope and I even had the songs and Bible verses picked out. I never got around to writing it, and now this. I can still write the blog, however it won't have the same title, and it definitely won't be about how excited I am to be here in 2020. In fact, maybe I'll just save those words for a later time. A time when we will be ready to see a new hope come into our country.
I don't remember what day it actually was when I began to feel the panic along with everyone else. I remember on March 11th, I texted my husband to ask him about going to see a movie that I couldn't wait to see. The movie is called "I Still Believe" and it's based on the book by my favorite Christian artist, Jeremy Camp. It was being released on March 13th, however a theater in Lexington had it early. On Thursday March 12th, my husband and I drove to Lexington in the pouring rain to see this movie. I left the theater feeling refreshed. Feeling hopeful. Knowing God is always in control. We went from the theater into Meijer just to pick up a t-shirt that my husband had wanted. I remember thinking how crazy it was that everyone in Meijer had their buggy's as full as they would go. Toilet Paper, Paper Towels, massive amounts of water and two liter's of pop, frozen pizza and other frozen foods. I looked at them, and then I looked at us. Here we were standing in line to check out with only a t-shirt in our hands. It was then that I wondered if the world had just gone crazy.
The next day after work, my husband picked up Haylie in Crittenden as usual. We found out that her school had cancelled for the next three weeks, so we were keeping her a few days extra after the weekend. We had planned on celebrating Haylie's birthday over the weekend so we had been looking forward to it. On Saturday, we took her to eat at Olive Garden followed by Dunkin Donuts. Her choice. I remember how crazy it was to go to Olive Garden and go right in without a wait. I remember thinking that there weren't many people in there and the crowd at the mall looked to be down as well. It was our last meal we were able to eat in a restaurant. The next day, we went to my Mom's house to celebrate Haylie one more time. I remember us thinking about how much toilet paper we had left and when we would need to start searching for it. I remember us talking about how crazy everything was and did we really need to panic?
March 17th, 2020. The last day we saw Haylie. Had I fully known on this day what was coming, I would have played it out completely different. I got home from work, and was able to say bye to Haylie for about 15 minutes. I remember we talked about her taking some stuff from her room home to her mom's. Dustin left the decision up to me. I figure that she is at her Mom's a lot more than she is at our house, and if there is something that she wants to take from her room here to the one at her Mom's, then I'll almost always say yes. It's hers, and I'm sure she wants it to be where she can use it the most. I'm so thankful I made that decision. She hugged me tight and thanked me for letting her take it. When they were headed out the door, she turned around and came and hugged me again. That was the last time I saw her. That was the last time I hugged her. The last time I kissed her forehead. After she left, I went to the kitchen and noticed the fridge. She had spelled out my name on the front of the fridge with magnets. My heart melted and I smiled. Longing for the next weekend she would come over. However, that weekend never came.
That night, I heard a song. Brand new lyrics by none other than Jeremy Camp. He woke up that morning, wrote this song, then sang it to the world on Facebook live. It's called "Whatever May Come" and I have listened to it at least once a day ever since the day he sang it. Here are the lyrics:
"Whatever I face, Whatever the fear
Whatever the cost, You always draw near
Whatever the pain, Whatever may come
Whatever may fall, Your love overcomes
I will Call, I will call upon You
Whatever I face You are with me
I will fall, I will fall on my knees
For every heart break You will hold me
Every wall will break, All the darkness shake
All the joy will be renewed
So every knee let's bow, raise a victory shout
For the King will make things new
Every mountain moved, every lie be loosed
For Your banner we're lifting high
I will call, I will call upon You
Whatever I face You are with me
I will fall, I will fall on my knees
For every heart break, You will hold me"
Little did I know the impact this song would have on me over the following days. The words were exactly what I was needing to stay sane. To not join the panic. To not freak out and let fear set in. John 14:27 says: "Peace I leave with you. My Peace. Don't let your hearts be troubled, neither let it be fearful." Peace. What is peace anyway? Have we all forgotten what peace really means? It seems that the more I have the TV on, the more fearful I get. The media has a way of getting to you. No matter the situation, the media gets you right where they want you. Right now, the world is living in fear.
The next weekend we would have had Haylie would have been March 27th. However, all the parents agreed that it was best that we didn't transport her back and forth for her safety. Haylie has asthma, and none of us wanted to chance anything happening to her. I missed her, but I knew it was for the best.
Now, because of me going to see the movie, I Still Believe, right before everything got crazy, I was (and still am) only listening to Jeremy Camp's music. This has been my saving grace through this whole thing. I get songs stuck in my head all the time and one day as I was walking into work thinking about everything going on, these words rang in my head. The lyrics to "Same Power"...
"I can see waters raging at my feet
I can feel the breath of those surrounding me
I can hear the sound of nations rising up
we will not be overtaken we will not be overcome
I can walk down this dark and painful road
I can face every fear of the unknown
I can hear all God's children singing out
We will not be overtaken we will not be overcome
We have hope that His promises are true
In His strength there is nothing we can't do
Yes we know there are greater things in store
We will not be overtaken we will not be overcome"
But, the part that really got me.... This.
"The same power that rose Jesus from the grace
The same power that commands the dead to wake
Lives in us. Lives in us.
The same power that moves mountains when He speaks
The same power that can calm a raging sea
Lives in us. Lives in us.
Greater is He that is living in me
He's conquered our enemy
No power of darkness
No weapon prevails
We stand here in victory."
My thoughts? If the same power that moves mountains when He speaks lives in us, then what's to stop us from moving some mountains? What's to keep us from conquering this enemy that is trying it's best to destroy us right now? If we could all come together and proclaim that God is God and believe that He can move the mountains and that He will move the mountains, why wouldn't He? Inside me. He lives there. His power lives there. If we could just stop listening to the media for one minute, and come together as believers. Allow Him to move mountains. Allow Him to calm this raging sea. Like we KNOW that He can.
April 7, 2020. My Meltdown. At this point, it had been 21 days since I had seen, touched or hugged Haylie. It had been 23 days since I had seen, touched or hugged my Mom or Dad. And I just plain lost it. It was almost 10pm that night and I just couldn't do it anymore. I started screaming and crying. I couldn't stop the pain. I was so frustrated with the fact that my family had been following the orders from the governor and president, yet other people weren't. I couldn't wrap my head around what the difference was in seeing my family and going to work to see people I work with. I was wondering why this had to happen in the middle of Hannah and Nick trying to plan the greatest day of their lives. I was struggling big time. I kept wondering why we had to have a court order to cross state lines to see Haylie. I didn't sleep well that night, but I prayed a lot. I asked God to please make this be over so that I can hug my baby girl again. I would give anything to see her from across the room. Just to be in the same room with her. I would give anything to take this away so that she would be here with us. I would give anything for this to be over so that Hannah can plan what needs to be planned without any questions. My heart is just broken for these reasons. Reasons that I don't have any control over. I prayed for these reasons. My heart is always broken for the same reasons... other people. People that I love and would give my life for.
The next day when I got up, I was still pretty emotional. I saw that Jeremy Camp was hosting a night of prayer and worship on Facebook that night and I discussed watching it with my husband before I left for work. My Mom posted something on my wall on Facebook and it reminded me that I can't let the enemy win. It was from TobyMac's facebook page and it was meme that said: "today the devil whispered in my ear 'you are not strong enough to withstand the storm.' I whispered '6 feet back satan'." I got in my car to head to work and I turned on my JC (Jeremy Camp) playlist on my phone for the drive as I do every morning. It's amazing how God works. Here are the titles to the songs that played that day on my drive to work: 1. He Knows 2. Out of My Hands 3. The Answer 4. Same Power 5. Whatever May Come God speaks to me most through music, and He knew exactly the words I needed to hear that day. That night, I came home and I listened to the prayer and worship with Jeremy and Adie Camp. My heart praised and worshiped the whole time. I had tears streaming down my face. All the while knowing that God is in control.
On my drive to work on Friday, which happened to be Good Friday, something hit me. The line in the song "Whatever May Come" that says "For the King will make things new". That's it. Isn't that what we all know? Isn't that what we all are longing for? In this time, are you growing? Are you allowing God to use you? Give God your whole heart and ask Him to use it. I truly believe that God will get all of us through this time. He will move mountains, he will calm the raging seas. Hasn't He proved that He can? He's already done these things before. My "go to" song has been "Do It Again" for some time now. It's a song for every season. You can listen when you are happy and praise Him. Or you can listen when you are sad or afraid and believe in Him. Here are some of the lyrics.
"I've seen You move, You move the mountains
And I believe I'll see You do it again.
You made a way when there was no way
And I believe I'll see You do it again.
You're promise still stands, Great is Your faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands, this is my confidence
You never failed me yet."
He will not fail us. He will protect us. He will make a way. He will move the mountains. TobyMac said, "In the darkest times of your life, your praise to God should be the loudest. Let the enemy know you're not afraid of the dark." Proclaim it right now, you are not afraid, because Your God is bigger than any virus anyone could come up with. He is bigger than anything you face. And He WILL make things new.
Revelation 21:4-5
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
