I Still Believe.

"Pick up your guitar. I have something for you to write." Those were the words that Jeremy Camp heard his Heavenly Father say to him when he was at his lowest point of a broken heart. I don't know if you know who Jeremy Camp is or not, but he is one of my favorite Christian artists and has been since his first CD was released in 2002. He wrote a book in 2013 that is titled after the song that made him famous, I still believe. I didn't know that he had written a book until a few months ago, and then, my Mom got it for me for my Birthday 3 weeks ago. I have now finished the book, and I feel renewed. I feel more complete inside. This book has made me want to live differently. It made me want to be a bigger and better Christian. I'm gonna attempt to tell you his story. Rather, the things that touched me most about his story. The things that made me want to change. The things that taught me that there is no reason why I'm not living in the way I need to be. So here goes. His story of heartbreak and healing. My story of strength and renewal.

Heartbreak and Healing

Jeremy Camp grew up in a Christian home, but he also grew up in a poor home. They never had a lot of money for anything. When Jeremy was a junior in high school, he made a life altering decision. He chose to go to a private Christian school rather than to play as the starting running back on his public school's football team. The school had a tuition, and Jeremy called the school before attending and asked if it was possible for him to work at the school instead of paying the tuition since his family couldn't afford it. The school allowed him to do that. Jeremy had a hard time not playing football, but he knew it was God's will for him to switch schools. He listened to God instead of doing what he wanted to. It was during that year that Jeremy focused more on music and formed his first band with some of his friends. For his senior year, Jeremy decided to go back to public school and play football.  However, since he had been out the year before, the coach said he would have to prove himself and he wasn't the starting running back. He finished his senior year early, and graduated at Christmas. He was able to get a job and work before figuring out where to attend college. He had two choices. He could go to Purdue and play football, or he could go to Calvary Chapel Bible College in California.

One night, as he wrestled about what he was supposed to do, Jeremy had a dream. In the dream, he walked into a room where his mom was on the phone. She hung up and he asked her who she had been talking to. His mom answered, "It was Satan. Do you have his number?" He answered her that he did and then he awoke in a cold sweat. He said that he felt like that was God's answer. That he had Satan's number because he still hadn't cut off all ties with him. He followed God's will and went to the Bible college. He spent a lot of time with God during his college years. He led worship at the chapel services, however, he had to borrow someone's guitar. Remember, his family didn't have a lot of money. At one point, he watched a college football game on TV. The running back was the guy who was supposed to be his backup his junior year had he went to the public school. But he continued on, knowing that God had a plan especially for him. After he graduated college, he worked to pay off college loans. Then, he went home for Christmas. He noticed a present that was much larger than all the others under the tree. He asked his parents who's it was since it was his turn to pass out all packages. They told him that it was for him. It was a Taylor guitar that cost somewhere around $2,000 dollars. He said that tears filled his eyes, and the thought came over him, "Lord, whatever you want. Not my plans, but yours. Here I am."

He went back to California and started going to a bible study with a friend of his. That's where he met the love of his life, Melissa. It was a long process, but finally they fell in love. But then, something unexpected happened. Melissa had cancer. They were able to remove it, never to come back. Right? Wrong. While she was still in the hospital bed, Jeremy proposed and she had accepted. They set the date pretty quickly because neither of them wanted a long engagement. They went on their honeymoon in Hawaii and it was there that Jeremy started realizing that Melissa's situation could take a toll on him as her husband. He was alone at one point, thinking about everything when this scripture came to him, "We walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7 and he felt God saying, "Just continue to trust me, I know what I'm doing." Jeremy picked up his guitar and wrote the lyrics to "Walk By Faith" while on his honeymoon.

"Well, I will walk by faith. Even when I cannot see. Well because this broken road, prepares your will for me. Well, I'm broken, but I still see your face. Well, you've spoken, pouring your words of grace."

After they returned home, Melissa went back to the doctor because she had been having pain in her stomach. They found out that she had cancer all over her body. Melissa's last days were spent with close family and friends, mostly in the hospital. She often asked Jeremy to get his guitar out and play worship songs and she would sing and praise the Lord with all the strength she had left. At one point, she told her husband, "If I were to die from this cancer and just one person accepted Jesus because of it, it would all be worth it." Well, that's exactly what happened. Melissa's nurse had been watching her and noticed her praying and praising God and realized that something was missing in her own life. Melissa had been praying with the nurse and her dad also prayed with the nurse and she asked Jesus to come into her heart and become her Lord and Savior. Melissa cried at learning that the purpose in her suffering had been accomplished. Melissa died after being married for only 3 and a half months.

For about two weeks after her death, Jeremy didn't play any music. In fact, he didn't do much of anything besides mourn the death of his wife. He felt alone in so many ways. He knew Melissa was gone, and it felt like God was gone too. God's will for him had become a fog. He didn't know if God could hear him. If God was even there. But one day, while at his parent's house, he heard Him. "Pick up your guitar." The last thing he wanted to do was play his guitar. He heard Him again, "Pick up your guitar, I have something for you to write." The lyrics to "I Still Believe" came to him and it was completely written in ten minutes.

"Scattered words and empty thoughts, seem to pour from my heart.
I've never felt so torn before, Seems I don't know where to start.
But it's now that I feel your grace fall like rain,
From every fingertip, washing away my pain.
Though the questions still fog up my mind, with promises I still seem to bear.
Even when answers slowly unwind, it's my heart I see you prepare.
But it's now that I feel your grace fall like rain,
From every fingertip, washing away my pain.
I still believe in your faithfulness. I still believe in your truth.
I still believe in your holy word. Even when I don't see, I still believe."

I would still consider this song to be his biggest hit. It was the song that introduced the world to Jeremy Camp. It was the song that introduced me to Jeremy Camp. His book goes on to tell you how many thousands of people he reached by telling his story. How many lives were saved because of his wife, her faithfulness and her passing. Remember what she said? "...if just one person..." And there are thousands. Probably millions or billions by now. Now, when I hear this song, I'll think of Melissa. I'll think of her faithfulness. Her inspiration to me. Because of Melissa, I can move on to the second part of this post.

Strength and Renewal

What are you good at? Do you have any talents? How did you get good at what you are good at? I like to think I'm a good writer. People tell me that I am, and I enjoy it. However, sometimes I don't feel like I'm good at it. I guess that's probably the case with anyone. You sort of become a perfectionist at what you are good at. I will say, every single time I write a blog, I do it to reach someone. I do it to speak to someone's heart. I do it for the same reason that Jeremy Camp writes and sings songs. It's my testimony. It's my heart. However, I realized after reading this book, that I'm just not as faithful as I should be. Or, is it, as I could be? I'm not sure. Either way, I'm not near as faithful as I need to be or want to be. There. That's what I was trying to say. My weak points come when bad things happen. I never stop and say "I should pray about this." when in fact, that's exactly what I need to do. I go into shut down mode. I don't know who said it, but I love it. "Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters not to drown but to be cleansed." We never think about that at the time, but truer words have never been spoken.

Why does it seem like it's so hard to love people? That's another struggle I have. I get upset really quickly and then I feel guilty about my reaction. I never stop and think, "I should just pray about this." Or, "I should pray for them.". WHY? WHY NOT? God designed us to be loving Christians. He created me to love others. I feel like I really do a good job of putting other people first. It's hard, and I probably don't ALWAYS do it, but I try my very best to. I saw a post on facebook. Again, I don't know where it came from other than facebook. There is a sentence at the top of the post that has an X over it that says, "don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't cross a puddle for you." Then underneath it, this: "No. Do it. Do cross oceans for people. Love People, all people. No conditions attached, no wondering whether or not they are worthy. Cross oceans, climb mountians. Life and love isn't about what you gain, it's about what you give." AMEN! You get what you give. So, it seems pretty simple, right? Just GIVE. Give Love. Give Hope. What's the easiest thing to give someone? Love. Prayers. Encouragement.

As you know if you read my last blog, my heart is beating right again. Partly because of that miracle that God gave me, but partly because of this book. I feel stronger in my faith. I feel stronger in my walk with the Lord. I feel renewed. I felt like I fought for so long. But, I've heard that God will put a Goliath in your life for you to find the David within you. God is always looking out for us. Right now, in front of the whole world, I want to make a vow. A vow to you, my readers. A vow to myself. A vow to my God. I want to vow to be a much better person. A more loving person. I vow to be a better wife. I vow to be a better step-mom to my girls. I vow to be a better daughter to my parents. I vow to be a better sister. I vow to be a better friend. I vow to be a better Christian. I long to be the best Christian that I can be. I want that. I need that. I want God to be proud of His girl. I vow to pray. I vow to love. I vow to be faithful. I vow to go to my Father when I need strength and renewal. Even when I don't feel like it. My youth minister told me one time, "Natasha, it's not about the feelings anymore, it's about the facts." I'm big on feelings. I'm big on saying, "I just don't feel like doing that." Sometimes, I don't feel like praying. The old me wouldn't have prayed. I vow to pray even when I don't feel like it. I need to be held accountable though. If you think about me at any point during your day, pray for me. Pray that I can always understand the importance of obedience over feelings. I will leave you with a quote from Jeremy's book that really hit me hard. In the meantime, don't forget.... I still believe.

"It was odd but there were two contrasting trends at work. On one hand, I would find myself telling God before a service, 'Lord, I don't feel like worshiping you today. I don't feel like saying I STILL BELIEVE.' I knew the words were true but they didn't feel true. But on the other hand, even though at times I felt like a reluctant participant, I could feel God's presence as I sang, and there was a greater impact on audiences than I could have anticipated. I could see and feel that God was moving and I knew it had nothing to do with me, because only a few minutes earlier I had been telling God I didn't want to sing that song. Again, I learned a valuable lesson about the importance of obedience over feelings."