"Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts." ~ Greg Behrendt
Have you ever had a broken heart? Who hasn't, right? There are so many different ways your heart can be broken. Most times, you get a broken heart from a break up. Then there is death. Then there is life. Then, there's the good broken. The broken you feel when you fully surrender to God. Do you remember what happened to make you cry the hardest? I do. I was 16 years old. I was really involved in my youth group and there was a mission trip to Honduras planned. I wanted to go so bad, but never thought it would be possible. I knew it was really expensive. My Mom knew how bad I wanted to go, and I'll never forget how excited I was when she gave me an envelope with the deposit in it. She made it possible for me to go on this trip I so badly wanted to encounter. With that money, and fundraiser after fundraiser, I set out on my journey in July of 1997.
I had only been on a plane one other time, and I was not looking forward to it at all. I'm not a fan. Everything was going great. I was with my best friend, Brandy and we were having a blast. We sat by each other on all of the planes we were on. I remember going through the Atlanta airport with people from our group running in front of us, and behind us. Brandy and I were just strolling along in the middle of everyone else without a care in the world. The very last plane we boarded was in Miami and it was a Mexican airline. Taca to be exact. It was a small plane. It was the first time I boarded a plane by walking outside and walking up the steps to get on it. I was feeling a little uneasy, but still carefree. About half way through the flight, we hit bad turbulence. Something I had never experienced before. Brandy and I both thought we were underwater and dying. Everyone around us was praying and we were holding hands and screaming. Everything they were saying on the intercom was in Spanish so we had no clue what was going on. It was the worst feeling I can remember having. Come to find out, we hit a flock of birds but the pilot was able to pull through eventually. When we got off the plane, I told Brandy I was calling my mom and she was going to get on a boat and come pick me up. I kissed the ground when we landed.
I had no idea what my heart was about to experience. It's a week that I will never forget, but a week that is hard to remember. We spent the week working. We spent time at a school. We spent time going to houses where kids had to sleep on dirt floors. We spent time at church. It was a big learning experience for me. When we took a shower, there was water up to our knees and we had to step on a wooden pallet that was floating in the water. We had to use outhouses to use the bathroom. We had to use toilets with cracks in the seats. We had to eat food that wasn't good. The last night we were there, is a night that I remember the most and one that I'll never forget. We were all in the fellowship hall and we were singing worship songs and praying. I was on my hands and knees with my head buried into a bench. I was crying uncontrollably and praying my heart out. I remember feeling so completely broken. I was surrendering everything I had to offer up to God. I realized why I was there and exactly what God was trying to teach me. When we got home, I didn't watch TV for a week. It was too hard to turn it on. I spent time writing in my journal about what I was feeling. To experience something like that is a once in a lifetime thing. Pure brokenness.
I've had other heartbreaks in my life. The death of my Granny and the death of my Uncle. Even the death of my 18 year old cat, Tori. My Dad's stroke in 2014. My Dad's stroke in 2018. All of these times I have cried my eyes out, but somehow I've made it through it. Which brings me to my current heartbreak. If you've been keeping up with my blogs, then you know that my boss was up for re-election. Well, she didn't win. Which means, not only do I not have a job, but I also have to figure out a way to say goodbye to all the people I've known and loved for 16 years. And I'm supposed to remain strong?? How do I do that, when all I want to do is cry? This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. Those people are my family. My best friends. They know more about me than most other people do. I've tried to keep my head up as much as I can. I've tried to act like things are okay. I've tried to act like I know I'll be okay. I've tried to act like I know God's got this. When in reality, I'm just not there yet.
"Nobody really knows how much anyone else is hurting. We could be standing next to someone who is completely broken, and we'd never know. So be kind always. With yourself, and others."
~Author Unknown
There is a song that has helped me through some rough times. It's not that song that makes you feel better, it's that song that makes you cry. And helps you heal. It's called "Broken" by Lifehouse.
"The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight.
Maybe it can stop tomorrow, from stealing all my time.
I am here still waiting, I still have my doubts.
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out.
The broken locks were a warning, you got inside my head.
Tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead.
I still see your reflection, inside my eyes.
That are looking for purpose, still looking for life.
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing.
With a broken heart, that's still beating.
In the pain, Is there healing,
In your name, I find meaning.
So I'm holding on, I'm holding on
I'm holding on, Barely holding on to you.
Hanging on another day, just to see what you will throw my way.
And I'm hanging on to the words you say, You said that I will be okay.
Broken light on the freeway, Left me here alone.
I may have lost my way now, Haven't forgot my way home."
I've listened to this song a thousand times this week. Just because I need to cry. I need to heal. I'm not sure how long this one is gonna take to get over. I know that God never closes one door without opening another, but knowing that doesn't help me heal. I know that I'll be okay, but right now I can't think about that. I can't be okay yet. My heart isn't ready. I'm not strong right now. I'm completely broken. And not too many people know it. My husband knows. My mom knows. And now my youngest step daughter Haylie knows. She came to our house this weekend broken herself. She is a really sensitive kid, and she got into some really big trouble this past week. Without getting into it, I think she learned her lesson. I know that she realizes exactly what she did wrong. All in all, it could have been a whole lot worse. She and I cried together as we talked about what happened. She hugged me the tightest she's ever hugged me. Then, on Saturday, I had a breakdown two different times. Both times, she saw me crying and came to me and hugged me. She wrapped her whole body around me and hugged me tight as I cried. Just like I had done for her on Friday. We helped each other this weekend. When she went home tonight I told her if she feels like she wants to cry, to remember that I love her so much. I told her whenever I feel like crying I would do the same thing, and think about how much she loves me. I miss her already. Who would have thought that her being in trouble would draw us so much closer? There are small things like that. Little reminders that things will be fine.
I also heard a song this week by the one, the only, Lauren Daigle. It's called "I am yours".
"I see your fingerprints, the work of your hands. It's all in your hands.
I see the evidence, leaving nothing to chance. The world's in your hands.
So I rest in your promises, now I am sure of this, I'm yours.
Let the waters rise, I will stand as the oceans roar.
Let the earth shake beneath me, let the mountains fall. You are God over the storm.
And I am yours.
I hear the voice of love, calling me home, to where I belong.
It cripples every fear, and the ones who kneel, walk away healed.
So I rest in your promises, now I am sure of this. I'm yours.
No power is strong enough, to separate me from your love. I'm yours.
Even the thunder and the wind obey, at the command of my Father, Father.
I set my feet upon your mighty name, so let the rain fall harder, harder.
So take my everything, my flesh and blood, I'll lay me down at the alter, alter.
I am forever covered in your love, so let the rain fall hard.
So let the waters rise, I will stand as the oceans roar.
Let the earth shake beneath me, let the mountains fall.
You are God over the storm, and I am yours."
I know that my God will take care of me. I know that He loves me. I know that He has a plan for all of this. While I know all of this, I also am hurting. But I know that God knows that. He will protect me no matter what. If I can't pray, He can read my heart. No matter what, I am a firm believer of what my Mom taught me at a young age. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I'm not sure if she gets that from her favorite scripture, or if it just came to her right when I needed to hear it, but it's something that I've lived by since she told me. So, while my heart is hurting, I know that this season will pass. Eventually it will all make sense. Eventually, I'll bow down and thank God for the blessing that it brought. There is a time for everything.
"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people can't see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can." Ecclesiastes 3:1-12
Sunday, November 11, 2018
Sunday, November 4, 2018
Cuts Like A Knife
"I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn't produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more." John 15:1-2
I remember what it felt like as if it was yesterday. I don't think I'll ever forget the pain that it caused. All I was trying to do was make potatoes for dinner. Why did the knife have to slip? I ended up cutting my thumb pretty deep. Deep enough to have to go to the emergency room to get stitches. Seven months have passed and I can still feel the numbness in my thumb. I still can't do certain things with it. I feel like it will never regain full feeling in it ever again.
It's sometimes hard to separate literal cuts from emotional cuts. I know that I've had way more emotional cuts than anything else. I've had several literal cuts, but in my lifetime I know that nothing will ever hurt as much as an emotional cut does. I've experienced a lot just in the last few months. This Tuesday is election day and it's an election that I'm emotionally attached to. My boss is up for re-election and if she isn't re-elected, I lose my job as well. It's been pretty stressful to say the least. The other side have made promises that I know can't be kept. They have been pretty confident that they are going to win and even dressed up for Halloween as my very own job description. Meaning, the opponent already has someone picked to take my place. It's been very tough to keep my cool through it all. It's been even more tough to keep my mouth shut. And even more tough to keep my trust in the One who has full control.
God has a way of getting through to me though. Mostly, He speaks to me through music. Sometimes though, Facebook does something good and I can read things on there to speak to me. This week, that happened twice. Just when I needed it most. The first thing that I read was originally posted back in July. A friend of mine somehow came upon it and shared it last week. It's a post from a page called "Heart Prints" and this is the post word for word.
"I have to admit, I always wondered what this part of Psalm 23 meant. I thought "He anoints my head with oil" was figurative language for God keeping the Psalmist healthy. I never knew this parallel.
Anoint my head with oil.
Sheep can get their head caught in briers and die trying to get untangled. There are horrid little flies that like to torment sheep by laying eggs in their nostrils which turn into worms and drive the sheep to beat their head against a rock, sometimes to death. Their ears and eyes are also susceptible to tormenting insects. So the shepherd anoints their whole head with oil. Then there is peace. That oil forms a barrier of protection against the evil that tries to destroy the sheep. Do you have times of mental torment? Do the worrisome thoughts invade your mind over and over? Do you beat your head against a wall trying to stop them? Have you ever asked God to anoint your head with oil? He has an endless supply. His oil protects and makes it possible for you to fix your heart, mind, and eyes on Him today and always. There is peace in the valley. May our good Father anoint your head with oil today so that your cup overflows with blessings. God is good and He is faithful!"
Once I read that, tears came to my face. Then, I read it again. Then, I read it one more time. After that, I looked up the lyrics to a song that I love called Reckless Love.
"Oh, the overwhelming, never ending, reckless love of God.
Oh, it chases me down, fights til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine.
I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still You give Yourself away.
Oh, the overwhelming, never ending, reckless love of God."
If you are like me, something particular catches your attention in that chorus. The line that says, "leaves the ninety-nine." I wonder what that means? Well, let me use the book of Matthew to explain.
"If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, what will he do? Won't he leave the ninety-nine others on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he will rejoice over it more than over the ninety-nine that didn't wander away! In the same way, it is not my heavenly Father's will that even one of these little ones should perish."
~Matthew 18:12-14
It seems that all of this stuff is falling into a big bucket of "Things Natasha needs to remain calm". All of this sums up my feelings...and the facts....from the last week of my life. This past Friday morning, I found something else on Facebook. God spoke to me through my friend Brenda with her post. This is her post word for word.
"Pruning in the Bible is a reference to being cut on, having every branch that doesn't produce fruit, cut off, and every branch that does bear fruit, to be pruned, in order to bear more fruit. It hurts to be cut on, to be pruned, but in the end it produces good fruit that is pleasurable and nourishment to others. When you feel like you can't take one more cut, one more prune, remember that Jesus, a man who knew no sin, a good and loving man, our Lord and Savior, was pruned by the Father. John 15:1-2 Pruning is a good thing, the fruit will eventually come and we will know that it was well worth the pain. Stay strong, don't give up and know good things are coming."
Wow. That one stopped me in my tracks. That one allowed me to put my heart in a new place. A place of comfort. A place of peace. A place of knowing that God will take care of everything. If.... If I would only let him. Why is it so easy to forget that? Lauren Daigle explains that forgetting happens to everyone. But this week, she explained it straight to my heart.
"In the darkest hour, when I cannot breathe.
Fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me.
Everything is crashing down, everything I had known.
When I wonder if I'm all alone.
I will lift my eyes, even in the pain.
Above all the lies, I know You can make a way.
I have seen giants fall, I have seen mountains move.
I have seen waters part because of You.
I remember, I remember.
You have always been faithful to me.
I remember, I remember.
Even when my own eyes could not see.
You were there, always there.
I can't stop thinking about,
I can't stop thinking about,
I can't stop thinking about,
Your goodness, goodness."
The long and the short of it all is this. God is in control. This song has been, and will continue to be my anthem throughout the next 48 hours. I know that my God takes care of me. I know that He can tear down any giant that I may face. I know that He can move any mountains in the way. I know that He can part the waters. No matter if I'm a wounded sheep. No matter if I'm a wandering sheep. He is always there to find me. He is always there to comfort me. He is there. Always there. Just ask Peter.
"Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people home. After sending them home, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone. Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o'clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, "It's a ghost!" But Jesus spoke to them at once, "Don't be afraid," he said. "Take courage. I am here!" Then Peter called to him, "Lord, if it's really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water." "Yes, Come.", Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. "Save me, Lord!", he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. "You have so little faith," Jesus said, "Why did you doubt me?" When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciple worshiped him. "You really are the Son of God!" they exclaimed." Matthew 15:22-33
Focus on Me, not the Storm. ~God
I remember what it felt like as if it was yesterday. I don't think I'll ever forget the pain that it caused. All I was trying to do was make potatoes for dinner. Why did the knife have to slip? I ended up cutting my thumb pretty deep. Deep enough to have to go to the emergency room to get stitches. Seven months have passed and I can still feel the numbness in my thumb. I still can't do certain things with it. I feel like it will never regain full feeling in it ever again.
It's sometimes hard to separate literal cuts from emotional cuts. I know that I've had way more emotional cuts than anything else. I've had several literal cuts, but in my lifetime I know that nothing will ever hurt as much as an emotional cut does. I've experienced a lot just in the last few months. This Tuesday is election day and it's an election that I'm emotionally attached to. My boss is up for re-election and if she isn't re-elected, I lose my job as well. It's been pretty stressful to say the least. The other side have made promises that I know can't be kept. They have been pretty confident that they are going to win and even dressed up for Halloween as my very own job description. Meaning, the opponent already has someone picked to take my place. It's been very tough to keep my cool through it all. It's been even more tough to keep my mouth shut. And even more tough to keep my trust in the One who has full control.
God has a way of getting through to me though. Mostly, He speaks to me through music. Sometimes though, Facebook does something good and I can read things on there to speak to me. This week, that happened twice. Just when I needed it most. The first thing that I read was originally posted back in July. A friend of mine somehow came upon it and shared it last week. It's a post from a page called "Heart Prints" and this is the post word for word.
"I have to admit, I always wondered what this part of Psalm 23 meant. I thought "He anoints my head with oil" was figurative language for God keeping the Psalmist healthy. I never knew this parallel.
Anoint my head with oil.
Sheep can get their head caught in briers and die trying to get untangled. There are horrid little flies that like to torment sheep by laying eggs in their nostrils which turn into worms and drive the sheep to beat their head against a rock, sometimes to death. Their ears and eyes are also susceptible to tormenting insects. So the shepherd anoints their whole head with oil. Then there is peace. That oil forms a barrier of protection against the evil that tries to destroy the sheep. Do you have times of mental torment? Do the worrisome thoughts invade your mind over and over? Do you beat your head against a wall trying to stop them? Have you ever asked God to anoint your head with oil? He has an endless supply. His oil protects and makes it possible for you to fix your heart, mind, and eyes on Him today and always. There is peace in the valley. May our good Father anoint your head with oil today so that your cup overflows with blessings. God is good and He is faithful!"
Once I read that, tears came to my face. Then, I read it again. Then, I read it one more time. After that, I looked up the lyrics to a song that I love called Reckless Love.
"Oh, the overwhelming, never ending, reckless love of God.
Oh, it chases me down, fights til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine.
I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still You give Yourself away.
Oh, the overwhelming, never ending, reckless love of God."
If you are like me, something particular catches your attention in that chorus. The line that says, "leaves the ninety-nine." I wonder what that means? Well, let me use the book of Matthew to explain.
"If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, what will he do? Won't he leave the ninety-nine others on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he will rejoice over it more than over the ninety-nine that didn't wander away! In the same way, it is not my heavenly Father's will that even one of these little ones should perish."
~Matthew 18:12-14
It seems that all of this stuff is falling into a big bucket of "Things Natasha needs to remain calm". All of this sums up my feelings...and the facts....from the last week of my life. This past Friday morning, I found something else on Facebook. God spoke to me through my friend Brenda with her post. This is her post word for word.
"Pruning in the Bible is a reference to being cut on, having every branch that doesn't produce fruit, cut off, and every branch that does bear fruit, to be pruned, in order to bear more fruit. It hurts to be cut on, to be pruned, but in the end it produces good fruit that is pleasurable and nourishment to others. When you feel like you can't take one more cut, one more prune, remember that Jesus, a man who knew no sin, a good and loving man, our Lord and Savior, was pruned by the Father. John 15:1-2 Pruning is a good thing, the fruit will eventually come and we will know that it was well worth the pain. Stay strong, don't give up and know good things are coming."
Wow. That one stopped me in my tracks. That one allowed me to put my heart in a new place. A place of comfort. A place of peace. A place of knowing that God will take care of everything. If.... If I would only let him. Why is it so easy to forget that? Lauren Daigle explains that forgetting happens to everyone. But this week, she explained it straight to my heart.
"In the darkest hour, when I cannot breathe.
Fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me.
Everything is crashing down, everything I had known.
When I wonder if I'm all alone.
I will lift my eyes, even in the pain.
Above all the lies, I know You can make a way.
I have seen giants fall, I have seen mountains move.
I have seen waters part because of You.
I remember, I remember.
You have always been faithful to me.
I remember, I remember.
Even when my own eyes could not see.
You were there, always there.
I can't stop thinking about,
I can't stop thinking about,
I can't stop thinking about,
Your goodness, goodness."
The long and the short of it all is this. God is in control. This song has been, and will continue to be my anthem throughout the next 48 hours. I know that my God takes care of me. I know that He can tear down any giant that I may face. I know that He can move any mountains in the way. I know that He can part the waters. No matter if I'm a wounded sheep. No matter if I'm a wandering sheep. He is always there to find me. He is always there to comfort me. He is there. Always there. Just ask Peter.
"Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people home. After sending them home, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone. Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o'clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, "It's a ghost!" But Jesus spoke to them at once, "Don't be afraid," he said. "Take courage. I am here!" Then Peter called to him, "Lord, if it's really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water." "Yes, Come.", Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. "Save me, Lord!", he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. "You have so little faith," Jesus said, "Why did you doubt me?" When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciple worshiped him. "You really are the Son of God!" they exclaimed." Matthew 15:22-33
Focus on Me, not the Storm. ~God
Friday, October 12, 2018
P-P-P Poker Face, P-P Poker Face
"The Enemy wants to define you by your scars, but Jesus has already defined you by His." -Louie Giglio
Have you ever just wanted to erase something from your day? You wake up in a good mood and BOOM, something happens to ruin your entire day. I'm the worlds worst at letting something ruin my day. You can usually tell when something is wrong or is bothering me. I guess you could say, I don't have a very good poker face. However, there are certain circumstances when I'm able to act like everything is fine when deep down I'm breaking. To put it bluntly, 2018 has been a horrible year. It all started on my brother's birthday.
February 23rd of this year was a pretty good day. I remember it was a good day. Friday is usually my favorite day of the week. Work wasn't awful and I went home and got dressed to go meet my family to go eat to celebrate my brother's 45th year of life. Around 5:00pm, my phone rang. It was my Mom. She told me that my Dad hadn't been feeling good all day. He had a lot of pain in his right leg and could only walk with a cane. She decided she should take him to the Emergency Room at St. Joseph Hospital.
About 4 years ago, my Dad had a stroke. That particular stroke didn't effect his ability to move, it was mainly his speech and his vision. He bounced back from it pretty good after a lot of therapy. He wasn't the exact same, but it was okay. His filter cut off a little more than normal, and he had trouble getting his words out. But he was still Dad. In April of 2016, my Dad walked me down the aisle and gave me away to be married to my husband. He also danced with me to the song "Fathers and Daughters" by Michael Bolton. That is a memory of him I will forever cherish. Five minutes of just me and my Dad. Dancing. Smiling. Laughing. Loving.
So, my Mom took my Dad to the Emergency Room that night. Dustin and I met them there. We sat there until they admitted him after 10:00pm. While we were there, they ran a CT Scan that came back normal. They wanted to keep him overnight to do the MRI just to make sure nothing showed on there. The next day, my Dad woke up and couldn't move his right leg or his right arm. Today, he can walk with assistance, but still has little movement in his right arm.
A lot has been going on in this "Daddy's Little Girl"'s mind during this difficult time we have had to endure. There has been a lot of questions going through my heart and mind. Questions that no one has the answers for. Questions that can't be answered. I know that I'm one of those adults who live in denial about their age. I never think that I'm getting older. Which means no one around me ever grows older either. My Mom and Dad will live forever. I think I live in that denial because I know that I can't think about losing them and remain stable. So you can imagine the questions that I have as to why this had to happen. I went through every emotion possible when it first started. I still struggle with how to feel. I think about how strong my Mom is on a daily basis. I'm not gonna lie, I haven't been too strong through it all. In fact, I've become pretty bitter. Which brings me to another one of my questions.
Why is it that a Preacher is the one no one else thinks to visit? My whole life, I watched my Dad become the man that I wish everyone else was. I watched him answer phone calls of prayer requests. I went with him to the hospital to visit people who were sick. He went to see people in the nursing home regularly as well. Some people went to his church, but not all did. Some were friends. Some were friends of friends. Some were friends or family of his church congregation. One thing is the same though. No matter who they were, everyone of them was someone's father. Someone's husband. Someone's son or daughter. No matter who they were, they deserved prayer. I watched my Dad pray for people he had never even met his whole life. Which brings me to the next question. If my Dad spent 41 years serving his Savior, then why couldn't he feel at peace when he was sick? Why did he feel like no one cared enough to visit him? Why did the church he was attending with his daughter and Son-In-Law, not send one person to see him? Or send one card? Or even a facebook post or like to any of his family? I feel like that's one thing I may never get over.
So here we are. Me left with unanswered questions. Me and my family left without a church home when I need one the most. Did anyone know any of this was going on inside me? Probably not. I put on a pretty good poker face. I've tried my best to get back to where I need to be with God. It's hard when you don't feel like you belong in a church. It's hard when you feel betrayed by your own brothers and sisters. It's hard when you feel like part of your heart has been ripped out. I had fallen far away from God through all of this. Then, this happened.
My Boss is up for re-election this year. If she doesn't win, I don't have a job either. We all know that an election can bring out the worst in people. About three weeks ago, I heard that someone had some not so nice things to say about me. Hurtful things. Luckily, the person she said it to defended me. When the person told me these hurtful things, I acted like nothing was wrong. I put on my poker face. In the very moment she told me, I gave it to God. My reaction was, "You know what? I'm gonna let God take care of it. He's on my side." I meant exactly what I said. However, my heart still hurt. It was in that very hurt that I came running back to God. I never needed it more. A week and a half later, I heard the same things being said to someone else who knew me pretty well. Again, it bothered me. Again, it hurt. Again, God was right there. He sent me Lauren Daigle as my comfort.
"I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough.
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up.
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know.
The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me.
In You, I find my worth, in You I find my identity.
Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet.
You have every failure, God, You have every victory.
You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing.
You say I am strong when I think I am weak.
And you say I am held when I am falling short.
And when I don't belong, oh, You say I am Yours.
And I believe. Oh I believe. What You say of me. I believe."
That song reminded me that it really doesn't matter what others say or think about me. It really doesn't matter what happens because God is in control of it all. I guess that even though I may think I have a good poker face, God knows all. He sees all. He has, and always will, take care of me. He will rescue me. Which brings me to my next Lauren Daigle comfort lyrics.
"You are not hidden.
There's never been a moment you were not forgotten.
You are not hopeless.
Though you have been broken, your innocence stolen.
There is no distance.
That cannot be covered over and over.
You're not defenseless.
I'll be your shelter, I'll be your armor.
I hear you whisper underneath your breath.
I hear your S.O.S., your S.O.S.
I will send out an army to find you.
In the middle of the darkest night.
It's true, I will rescue you.
I will never stop marchin' to reach you.
In the middle of the hardest fight.
It's true, I will rescue you."
What? Someone loves me this much?? Are you serious? Someone loves ME enough to fight for me? Someone loves me enough to rescue me? It's this simple. When it all comes down to it, we think we can hide from God. We put on our best poker face we have, yet he sees right through it. He knows. We are not hidden from Him. Even in our darkest night, or our hardest fight, He is right there with us. This year alone, I have endured one of my darkest nights and one of my hardest fights. Let me tell you, it's a whole lot easier when we don't try to do it on our own. It's a whole lot easier if we just become broken enough to fall to our knees and give every inch of ourselves to our God. It's a whole lot easier if we just get rid of our poker face all together. After all, if the One who matters the most can see right through it, what's the point of having it?
So, today, I'm happier. I'm healthier. I know that my Dad is okay no matter what because he is in the hands of his heavenly Father. He was a faithful servant for so many years and God won't give up on Him now. I also know that people are gonna say mean things, but that doesn't define who I am. I'm not defined by my own scars anyway. I'm defined by my Savior's scars. One thing I've learned, if God is for us, no one can be against us. That's a fact I'll never get tired of hearing.
"The Lord Himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." Exodus 14:14
Have you ever just wanted to erase something from your day? You wake up in a good mood and BOOM, something happens to ruin your entire day. I'm the worlds worst at letting something ruin my day. You can usually tell when something is wrong or is bothering me. I guess you could say, I don't have a very good poker face. However, there are certain circumstances when I'm able to act like everything is fine when deep down I'm breaking. To put it bluntly, 2018 has been a horrible year. It all started on my brother's birthday.
February 23rd of this year was a pretty good day. I remember it was a good day. Friday is usually my favorite day of the week. Work wasn't awful and I went home and got dressed to go meet my family to go eat to celebrate my brother's 45th year of life. Around 5:00pm, my phone rang. It was my Mom. She told me that my Dad hadn't been feeling good all day. He had a lot of pain in his right leg and could only walk with a cane. She decided she should take him to the Emergency Room at St. Joseph Hospital.
About 4 years ago, my Dad had a stroke. That particular stroke didn't effect his ability to move, it was mainly his speech and his vision. He bounced back from it pretty good after a lot of therapy. He wasn't the exact same, but it was okay. His filter cut off a little more than normal, and he had trouble getting his words out. But he was still Dad. In April of 2016, my Dad walked me down the aisle and gave me away to be married to my husband. He also danced with me to the song "Fathers and Daughters" by Michael Bolton. That is a memory of him I will forever cherish. Five minutes of just me and my Dad. Dancing. Smiling. Laughing. Loving.
So, my Mom took my Dad to the Emergency Room that night. Dustin and I met them there. We sat there until they admitted him after 10:00pm. While we were there, they ran a CT Scan that came back normal. They wanted to keep him overnight to do the MRI just to make sure nothing showed on there. The next day, my Dad woke up and couldn't move his right leg or his right arm. Today, he can walk with assistance, but still has little movement in his right arm.
A lot has been going on in this "Daddy's Little Girl"'s mind during this difficult time we have had to endure. There has been a lot of questions going through my heart and mind. Questions that no one has the answers for. Questions that can't be answered. I know that I'm one of those adults who live in denial about their age. I never think that I'm getting older. Which means no one around me ever grows older either. My Mom and Dad will live forever. I think I live in that denial because I know that I can't think about losing them and remain stable. So you can imagine the questions that I have as to why this had to happen. I went through every emotion possible when it first started. I still struggle with how to feel. I think about how strong my Mom is on a daily basis. I'm not gonna lie, I haven't been too strong through it all. In fact, I've become pretty bitter. Which brings me to another one of my questions.
Why is it that a Preacher is the one no one else thinks to visit? My whole life, I watched my Dad become the man that I wish everyone else was. I watched him answer phone calls of prayer requests. I went with him to the hospital to visit people who were sick. He went to see people in the nursing home regularly as well. Some people went to his church, but not all did. Some were friends. Some were friends of friends. Some were friends or family of his church congregation. One thing is the same though. No matter who they were, everyone of them was someone's father. Someone's husband. Someone's son or daughter. No matter who they were, they deserved prayer. I watched my Dad pray for people he had never even met his whole life. Which brings me to the next question. If my Dad spent 41 years serving his Savior, then why couldn't he feel at peace when he was sick? Why did he feel like no one cared enough to visit him? Why did the church he was attending with his daughter and Son-In-Law, not send one person to see him? Or send one card? Or even a facebook post or like to any of his family? I feel like that's one thing I may never get over.
So here we are. Me left with unanswered questions. Me and my family left without a church home when I need one the most. Did anyone know any of this was going on inside me? Probably not. I put on a pretty good poker face. I've tried my best to get back to where I need to be with God. It's hard when you don't feel like you belong in a church. It's hard when you feel betrayed by your own brothers and sisters. It's hard when you feel like part of your heart has been ripped out. I had fallen far away from God through all of this. Then, this happened.
My Boss is up for re-election this year. If she doesn't win, I don't have a job either. We all know that an election can bring out the worst in people. About three weeks ago, I heard that someone had some not so nice things to say about me. Hurtful things. Luckily, the person she said it to defended me. When the person told me these hurtful things, I acted like nothing was wrong. I put on my poker face. In the very moment she told me, I gave it to God. My reaction was, "You know what? I'm gonna let God take care of it. He's on my side." I meant exactly what I said. However, my heart still hurt. It was in that very hurt that I came running back to God. I never needed it more. A week and a half later, I heard the same things being said to someone else who knew me pretty well. Again, it bothered me. Again, it hurt. Again, God was right there. He sent me Lauren Daigle as my comfort.
"I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough.
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up.
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know.
The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me.
In You, I find my worth, in You I find my identity.
Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet.
You have every failure, God, You have every victory.
You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing.
You say I am strong when I think I am weak.
And you say I am held when I am falling short.
And when I don't belong, oh, You say I am Yours.
And I believe. Oh I believe. What You say of me. I believe."
That song reminded me that it really doesn't matter what others say or think about me. It really doesn't matter what happens because God is in control of it all. I guess that even though I may think I have a good poker face, God knows all. He sees all. He has, and always will, take care of me. He will rescue me. Which brings me to my next Lauren Daigle comfort lyrics.
"You are not hidden.
There's never been a moment you were not forgotten.
You are not hopeless.
Though you have been broken, your innocence stolen.
There is no distance.
That cannot be covered over and over.
You're not defenseless.
I'll be your shelter, I'll be your armor.
I hear you whisper underneath your breath.
I hear your S.O.S., your S.O.S.
I will send out an army to find you.
In the middle of the darkest night.
It's true, I will rescue you.
I will never stop marchin' to reach you.
In the middle of the hardest fight.
It's true, I will rescue you."
What? Someone loves me this much?? Are you serious? Someone loves ME enough to fight for me? Someone loves me enough to rescue me? It's this simple. When it all comes down to it, we think we can hide from God. We put on our best poker face we have, yet he sees right through it. He knows. We are not hidden from Him. Even in our darkest night, or our hardest fight, He is right there with us. This year alone, I have endured one of my darkest nights and one of my hardest fights. Let me tell you, it's a whole lot easier when we don't try to do it on our own. It's a whole lot easier if we just become broken enough to fall to our knees and give every inch of ourselves to our God. It's a whole lot easier if we just get rid of our poker face all together. After all, if the One who matters the most can see right through it, what's the point of having it?
So, today, I'm happier. I'm healthier. I know that my Dad is okay no matter what because he is in the hands of his heavenly Father. He was a faithful servant for so many years and God won't give up on Him now. I also know that people are gonna say mean things, but that doesn't define who I am. I'm not defined by my own scars anyway. I'm defined by my Savior's scars. One thing I've learned, if God is for us, no one can be against us. That's a fact I'll never get tired of hearing.
"The Lord Himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." Exodus 14:14
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