Keep The Faith

"Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts." ~ Greg Behrendt

Have you ever had a broken heart? Who hasn't, right? There are so many different ways your heart can be broken. Most times, you get a broken heart from a break up. Then there is death. Then there is life. Then, there's the good broken. The broken you feel when you fully surrender to God. Do you remember what happened to make you cry the hardest? I do. I was 16 years old. I was really involved in my youth group and there was a mission trip to Honduras planned. I wanted to go so bad, but never thought it would be possible. I knew it was really expensive. My Mom knew how bad I wanted to go, and I'll never forget how excited I was when she gave me an envelope with the deposit in it. She made it possible for me to go on this trip I so badly wanted to encounter. With that money, and fundraiser after fundraiser, I set out on my journey in July of 1997.

I had only been on a plane one other time, and I was not looking forward to it at all. I'm not a fan. Everything was going great. I was with my best friend, Brandy and we were having a blast. We sat by each other on all of the planes we were on. I remember going through the Atlanta airport with people from our group running in front of us, and behind us. Brandy and I were just strolling along in the middle of everyone else without a care in the world. The very last plane we boarded was in Miami and it was a Mexican airline. Taca to be exact. It was a small plane. It was the first time I boarded a plane by walking outside and walking up the steps to get on it. I was feeling a little uneasy, but still carefree. About half way through the flight, we hit bad turbulence. Something I had never experienced before. Brandy and I both thought we were underwater and dying. Everyone around us was praying and we were holding hands and screaming. Everything they were saying on the intercom was in Spanish so we had no clue what was going on. It was the worst feeling I can remember having. Come to find out, we hit a flock of birds but the pilot was able to pull through eventually. When we got off the plane, I told Brandy I was calling my mom and she was going to get on a boat and come pick me up. I kissed the ground when we landed.

I had no idea what my heart was about to experience. It's a week that I will never forget, but a week that is hard to remember. We spent the week working. We spent time at a school. We spent time going to houses where kids had to sleep on dirt floors. We spent time at church. It was a big learning experience for me. When we took a shower, there was water up to our knees and we had to step on a wooden pallet that was floating in the water. We had to use outhouses to use the bathroom. We had to use toilets with cracks in the seats. We had to eat food that wasn't good. The last night we were there, is a night that I remember the most and one that I'll never forget. We were all in the fellowship hall and we were singing worship songs and praying. I was on my hands and knees with my head buried into a bench. I was crying uncontrollably and praying my heart out. I remember feeling so completely broken. I was surrendering everything I had to offer up to God. I realized why I was there and exactly what God was trying to teach me. When we got home, I didn't watch TV for a week. It was too hard to turn it on. I spent time writing in my journal about what I was feeling. To experience something like that is a once in a lifetime thing. Pure brokenness.

I've had other heartbreaks in my life. The death of my Granny and the death of my Uncle. Even the death of my 18 year old cat, Tori. My Dad's stroke in 2014. My Dad's stroke in 2018. All of these times I have cried my eyes out, but somehow I've made it through it. Which brings me to my current heartbreak. If you've been keeping up with my blogs, then you know that my boss was up for re-election. Well, she didn't win. Which means, not only do I not have a job, but I also have to figure out a way to say goodbye to all the people I've known and loved for 16 years. And I'm supposed to remain strong?? How do I do that, when all I want to do is cry? This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. Those people are my family. My best friends. They know more about me than most other people do. I've tried to keep my head up as much as I can. I've tried to act like things are okay. I've tried to act like I know I'll be okay. I've tried to act like I know God's got this. When in reality, I'm just not there yet.

"Nobody really knows how much anyone else is hurting. We could be standing next to someone who is completely broken, and we'd never know. So be kind always. With yourself, and others."
~Author Unknown

There is a song that has helped me through some rough times. It's not that song that makes you feel better, it's that song that makes you cry. And helps you heal. It's called "Broken" by Lifehouse.

"The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight.
Maybe it can stop tomorrow, from stealing all my time.
I am here still waiting, I still have my doubts.
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out.
The broken locks were a warning, you got inside my head.
Tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead.
I still see your reflection, inside my eyes.
That are looking for purpose, still looking for life.
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing.
With a broken heart, that's still beating.
In the pain, Is there healing,
In your name, I find meaning.
So I'm holding on, I'm holding on
I'm holding on, Barely holding on to you.
Hanging on another day, just to see what you will throw my way.
And I'm hanging on to the words you say, You said that I will be okay.
Broken light on the freeway, Left me here alone.
I may have lost my way now, Haven't forgot my way home."

I've listened to this song a thousand times this week. Just because I need to cry. I need to heal. I'm not sure how long this one is gonna take to get over. I know that God never closes one door without opening another, but knowing that doesn't help me heal. I know that I'll be okay, but right now I can't think about that. I can't be okay yet. My heart isn't ready. I'm not strong right now. I'm completely broken. And not too many people know it. My husband knows. My mom knows. And now my youngest step daughter Haylie knows. She came to our house this weekend broken herself. She is a really sensitive kid, and she got into some really big trouble this past week. Without getting into it, I think she learned her lesson. I know that she realizes exactly what she did wrong. All in all, it could have been a whole lot worse. She and I cried together as we talked about what happened. She hugged me the tightest she's ever hugged me. Then, on Saturday, I had a breakdown two different times. Both times, she saw me crying and came to me and hugged me. She wrapped her whole body around me and hugged me tight as I cried. Just like I had done for her on Friday. We helped each other this weekend. When she went home tonight I told her if she feels like she wants to cry, to remember that I love her so much. I told her whenever I feel like crying I would do the same thing, and think about how much she loves me. I miss her already. Who would have thought that her being in trouble would draw us so much closer? There are small things like that. Little reminders that things will be fine.

I also heard a song this week by the one, the only, Lauren Daigle. It's called "I am yours".

"I see your fingerprints, the work of your hands. It's all in your hands.
I see the evidence, leaving nothing to chance. The world's in your hands.
So I rest in your promises, now I am sure of this, I'm yours.
Let the waters rise, I will stand as the oceans roar.
Let the earth shake beneath me, let the mountains fall. You are God over the storm.
And I am yours.
I hear the voice of love, calling me home, to where I belong.
It cripples every fear, and the ones who kneel, walk away healed.
So I rest in your promises, now I am sure of this. I'm yours.
No power is strong enough, to separate me from your love. I'm yours.
Even the thunder and the wind obey, at the command of my Father, Father.
I set my feet upon your mighty name, so let the rain fall harder, harder.
So take my everything, my flesh and blood, I'll lay me down at the alter, alter.
I am forever covered in your love, so let the rain fall hard.
So let the waters rise, I will stand as the oceans roar.
Let the earth shake beneath me, let the mountains fall.
You are God over the storm, and I am yours."

I know that my God will take care of me. I know that He loves me. I know that He has a plan for all of this. While I know all of this, I also am hurting. But I know that God knows that. He will protect me no matter what. If I can't pray, He can read my heart. No matter what, I am a firm believer of what my Mom taught me at a young age. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I'm not sure if she gets that from her favorite scripture, or if it just came to her right when I needed to hear it, but it's something that I've lived by since she told me. So, while my heart is hurting, I know that this season will pass. Eventually it will all make sense. Eventually, I'll bow down and thank God for the blessing that it brought. There is a time for everything.

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people can't see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can." Ecclesiastes 3:1-12