It isn't in my blood

"I've got a theory that if you give 100% of the time, somehow things will work out in the end." ~Larry Bird

Have you ever just felt like giving up? I know that's kind of what they call a "stupid question". Everyone has felt that way at some point in their life. The sad thing is, some people feel that way more than others do. Some people just don't have a strong mind. A strong personality. A strong heart. I, Natasha Downs, am one of those people. Sometimes I think that I have such a big heart for others, that when it comes to taking care of myself, I just don't have it in me. I know that having a big heart for others is not a bad thing. Jesus had the biggest heart in the world for others. I just feel at times, that having a big heart for others makes it tough when I need to have a strong heart for myself. All that being said, I can honestly say, I have never once actually given up. No matter how much I've felt like it. As my youth minister told me, "It's not about the feelings anymore Natasha. It's about the facts." The inspiration for the title of this blog came to me a few weeks ago. My niece is a huge Shawn Mendes fan and I was looking him up to make sure she had my approval. After reading the lyrics to a song that he wrote, let's just say I approve 100%. God speaks to me through lyrics every single day. Sometimes, it's not a Christian song.  Here are some of the lyrics to In My Blood by Shawn Mendes.

"Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't.
It isn't in my blood.
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing.
I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something.
Keep telling me that it gets better, does it ever?
I'm looking through my phone again, feeling anxious.
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this.
I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh
is there somebody who could
Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't.
It isn't in my blood."

These particular words in this song really spoke to me. Why? Because it was exactly how I have been feeling over the past few months. There have been feelings of anxiety. Feelings of insecurity. Overwhelming feelings. There were times that I would ask Dustin if he was going to be home during lunch or even after work on time simply because I didn't want to be by myself. It felt like the whole world was saying to me, "It gets better.", not in so many words. Losing my job has really taken a toll on my heart. To say my heart is broken, is an understatement. However, my God is a God who heals. My God is the "somebody who could help me..." in this song. My God is the One who allowed me not to give up. This time, or any other time I have felt like it. How does He do that? One simple word. Faith. You've heard it said that faith can move mountains. Let me tell you something, it can. My faith has been stronger lately. Why? The heartbreak. The unknown. The uncertainty.

"You call me out upon the waters.
The great unknown, where feet may fail.
And there I find You in the mystery.
In oceans deep, my faith will stand.
And I will call upon Your name.
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace.
For I am Yours and You are mine.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters.
Your sovereign hand, will be my guide.
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me.
You've never failed and You won't start now.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders.
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,
and my faith will be made stronger,
in the presence of my Savior.
I will call upon Your name.
Keep my eyes above the waves.
My soul will rest in Your embrace.
I am Yours and You are mine."

Some of the purest, most peaceful, lyrics I've ever heard in a song. This song has been my go to for the past week. It has the reminder of faith. Trust. Hope. Love. "But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13 No matter what comes my way, I know that God has got me. I know that He has a plan. And as I'm finally able to start the healing process, I couldn't be more thankful for the waves he wants me to ride. For it does one thing, makes my faith stronger. God has always been faithful. He's always been there. Always been my constant. There was another song that God spoke to me through about a week ago. It's what I like to call, a "conversation with God" song. It's by TobyMac. I'll write the lyrics in a way you can understand easily.

Me: Another heartbreak day. Feels like You're miles away.
Don't even need no shade, when your sun don't shine, shine.
Too many passin' dreams. Roll by like limousines.
It's hard to keep believin', when they pass you by and by.

God: I know your heart been broke again. I know your prayers ain't been answered yet.
I know you're feeling like you got nothing left, well lift your head, it ain't over yet, ain't over yet.
Move, keep walkin', soldier keep movin' on. Move, keep walkin' until the mornin' comes.
Move, keep walkin', soldier keep movin' on, and lift your head. It ain't over yet, ain't over yet.

I've had this conversation with God about a million and one times in my life. More so recently. I can't remember a time when I've felt this down. This angry. This heartbroken. This betrayed. However, as all of these songs have reminded me, God is on my side. No matter the mountain, God can move it. Which is why He wants me to keep movin' on. He has a reason for my heartbreak, and He will be there with me through the healing. I truly believe God made my heart into a giving heart. He gave it to me and told me to use it in every way possible. I feel like I have always done that. I always put others above myself. I always use my heart to show love to others, even the ones who are hard to love. I've used my heart through the words of all of my blogs, in hopes that it will reach someone. I give and give and give because it's in my nature. It's my gift. And no matter how much my heart gets broken in this life, I know that it will continue to give. Just like Larry Bird said, "if you give 100%, somehow things will work out in the end." God takes care of His faithful children. I plan to be God's girl until the day I stop breathing. I will continue to move on. I will continue to be amazed by Him and His unfailing love. I will continue to praise His name no matter how big the waves are He wants me to go through.  Just like Seventh Day Slumber reminds us, He makes oceans from the rain.

"And I'm amazed by You. Cause You're never far away.
And all that I've been through, Your love has never changed.
And nothing I've acquired means anything at all.
Cause you're everything I needed. You're so much more than I deserve.
You make oceans from the rain. Breathing life into this place.
And I will drown inside your love. Until I see your perfect face."

Tomorrow, I have a very important job interview. I am praying that it's the one God wants me to have. If not, I know He still has bigger and better things out there for me. I'm tired of being sad, and I'm ready to be hopeful. I'm ready for my faith to be put to the strongest test of it's life. I'm ready to be the strong hearted Christian that God made me. No more negativity. Tonight, I was reading in our book for our small group bible study. I came across a passage that really spoke to me, and I'm going to leave you with that, and a quote from Dabo Swinney, who just won the NCAA football championship last night. "To God be the Glory!"

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don't let my enemies gloat, saying, "We have defeated him!" Don't let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He is good to me. Psalms 13:1-6