It's been a few weeks since my last post. It's been a rough few weeks. There have been a lot of emotions going through my mind. Through my heart. We lost Dustin's grandmother on July 20th around 10:30pm. It's one of the hardest things I've seen him have to face. Which made it hard for me too. I hated to see him hurt so bad, but I knew I had to be strong for him. In doing that, I held back my emotions. It was so hard to do that. I would go into the bathroom at home when he was asleep or when he was doing something and I would let my emotions out so that he couldn't see it. I knew it would only make it harder on him. I knew I had to be the strong one. There is a quote that says, "A strong marriage doesn't always have two strong people at the same time. It is a husband and wife who take turns being strong for each other in the moments when the other feels weak." That is one of the truest statements there is. I hope that I can always be strong for him when he needs me to. There is a song that came to me only 4 days before Mom-Mom passed and it is by NEEDTOBREATHE of course. It's called "Be Here Long". Here are the lyrics.
"Close my eyes and think of you. Go to sleep and dream of you.
We don't get to be here long.
I gave you the best of me. Loved you more than anything.
We don't get to be here long.
And though my heart may be in pieces, my eyes are still set on you.
And though I can't keep it together, I know that you want me to.
I'm swimming in the grief and there's no anchor that can hold me down.
And I don't want any relief cause I don't wanna let you go right now.
Your memories were a charity, they gave me more than I could need.
I know you found the promised land, but I'm still here and I'm missing you."
This song is what kept me strong. However, when I was in my car, and it was on repeat, I couldn't hold back my tears. Not only was I grieving for Mom-Mom, and hurting for Dustin, I was also thinking of my loved ones who have passed that I loved so much. I think I would cut off my right arm to have had my Uncle Bud at my wedding. I honestly would have given anything for that. I think the main reason is because every time I saw him, the first thing he would ask me was, "Do you have a boyfriend yet?". He passed before I met Dustin and I would have loved to have answered that question with, "Yes, I finally met the love of my life." and I never got to. He was well represented at the wedding. His wife, my Aunt Linda, was there. His daughter, my cousin Shari, was there and made my special day perfect. I know that he was right there for the wedding with his brother, his sister, his Dad and his Mom on the front row looking down at me. Which brings me to my next one. My Granny. In Dustin's loss of his Mom-Mom, it really made me think about my Granny. It made me miss her all over again. Why is it that even though we know our loved ones are in a better place, we still can't fully ever let them go?
There is a scene in my favorite Disney movie, The Lion King that I want to share with you. It happens when Simba first meets Rafiki. He tells him that he knows Simba's father, who has died. He explains to Simba that he is still alive.
Rafiki: Look down there.
Simba: That's not my father. That's just my reflection.
Rafiki: No. Look harder.
(The wind picks up. In the air the huge image of Mufasa is forming from the clouds.)
Rafiki: You see. He lives in you.
Mufasa: Simba...
Simba: Father?
Mufasa: Simba, you have forgotten me.
Simba: No. How could I?
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself Simba. You are more than what you have become.
Simba: How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
Mufasa: Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true king. Remember who you are.
Simba: Looks like the winds are changing.
Rafiki: Ahhhh. Change is good.
Simba: Yeah, but not easy. I know what I have to do. But going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long.
(Rafiki whacks Simba on the head with his staff.)
Simba: OWW! Geez. What was that for?
Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past!
Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it.
This takes me to a very spiritual place in my heart. It reminds me of how many times in my life I have been like Simba just searching for my heavenly Father. It's funny how death can make you feel closer to God. It's like you know your loved one is there with Him, and you know they are taken care of, and you are just so thankful that God is the one who chose to take them from you. In all of my emotions lately, I have been battling inside with fear. My struggle with that right now is so strong, and I know that it was just a gift from God that Haylie came to our house obsessing over The Lion King this weekend. I needed it more than she could ever understand. That scene in the movie always makes me feel protected. It makes me feel loved. It makes me feel that no matter what my inner struggles are, God will always take care of it. He lives in me. There is an older song by City Harmonic that has popped into my head, and I feel I need to share it with you. It's called "Fell Apart".
"Put me back together. I fell apart.
You are Creator. You understand my heart.
Man is prone to wander. I feel it everyday.
Put me back together. Won't you find a way.
If You are who You say You are, won't You be who You've always been to me?
Lord I crave for the real thing, just a taste.
You're something real in a world of fake.
Oh my sin of my heart. Begs for bread from a stone.
If You are who You say You are, can I live on words alone?
Tell me where's that hope and peace? Tell me where's that grace?
Words that heal this heart of mine. Lord, You found a way.
Bread of life. Light of the world.
Your home of rest, I may come in.
Good Shepherd. Resurrection Lamb.
The life, true vine.
You are my God. You have spoken.
You found a way. You are the way."
Just like Mufasa put Simba's heart back together, our Father can do the exact same thing for us when we are broken. Sometimes, it takes a friend's help. Do you have a Rafiki in your life? Better yet, are you someone else's Rafiki? Be a Rafiki in a Scar kind of world. I know it's hard, but it is what we are called to do. And if you feel like Simba right now, know that your heavenly Father loves you more than you can ever imagine. If you feel broken. If you feel lost. If you feel scared. He is there. All you have to do is look into the water and see the reflection. He lives in you. He wants you to remember who you are. He wants you to remember who he is. He wants you to remember that you are more than what you have become. He wants to remind you that you are His son. He wants you back. All you have to do is answer. It is time.
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me." John 10:27
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