My Girl (Part 2)

 "She ain't got my smile, that don't bother me a bit. She's got somebody else's eyes I'm seeing myself in holding on to every moment, God knows I've missed a few. The day we met I knew I had some catching up to do. She's my baby my whole world. She ain't my blood but she's my, she's my girl." -Elvie Shane

November 30, 2012-November 30, 2022

The day we were supposed to meet, you fell asleep. Now, it all makes sense. You knew that you and your sister deserved separate "days" with me. The image of the first time I saw you that night will never leave my brain. Or my heart. We were at a store in the mall, and I was at one end of the aisle and you were at the other end of the aisle. You were holding your Dad's hand, standing very close to him, with a huge smile on your face and the cutest curls in your hair. You had a red bow in your hair and you were so excited to see Santa that you couldn't hardly stand still. We met, and instantly we both bonded. A bond that will never be broken. You had a hard time saying my name. So, I became Bentasha for a time. A name I'll always cherish. I had a Charlie Brown Christmas shirt on and you loved it because it had Snoopy on it. You've always had a love for dogs. You and I walked through the mall that night and held hands. We took pictures in a picture booth. We met Santa. That night I knew that my life was about to change. 

Early on in our relationship, I knew that you loved me. Not only did you tell me 5,000 times a day, but you also drew me so many pictures with my name on it. You were always asking someone how to spell my name. I'm so thankful for your love for me. Then and now. There are so many things I missed before I met you, but there are so many memories we've made that I think about often. Things I'm so happy I was able to be a part of. Seeing you meet Cinderella was the most excited I've ever seen you. Seeing you meet Noah Schnapp was pretty awesome too. However, for me, the best memory I have with you is meeting David Harbour. It was just the two of us. So excited. SO MAD (me). But so excited all at the same time.Taking you to your first concert, Taylor Swift, on the hottest day of the year. Going to Atlanta and standing in the heat outside of the filming for Stranger Things. Going to see the Braves play and being miserable together. Folding clothes with you on the bed, just to hear you say to me; "EEEEWWWW. That's Daddy's panties and you're touchin' em." Hearing you sing songs with words you shouldn't say just yet. Our wedding. Our vacations. Our "week before Christmas" outings. These things and so much more, are things that bring my heart so much joy. 

My love for you? It's so hard to put into words. It's something that is so deep, that even I can't find the words for. You came into my life just when I needed you. God knew I needed a daughter to take care of. One who would look up to me in ways I never imagined. One that I would love so much more than I ever thought I could. One who needed me just as much as I needed her. There is a song that my heart has dedicated to you. It's called "Forever On Your Side" by Needtobreathe. The words to this song come straight from my heart to yours. It basically says that we can't control what all is going to happen in our lives, but that as long as we have each other, that's all that matters. As long as we have each other's love, everything will be okay. No matter what. That kind of love, the love I have for you, and the love you have for me, it knows no end. It always keeps going. When you are all grown up, and life is even more hard than it is right now, don't let life keep you down. And if it knocks you down, know that I'm always with you. I'm always here for you. I'm forever on your side. No matter what. You never have to face anything you go through by yourself, because I am right here. Always. Forever. As you read the lyrics to the song, remember how much I love you. 

Forever On Your Side by Needtobreathe

I won't pretend that we can control the night. Or what kind of road we're on, or where we will see the light. But right now I'm talking to you, I'm looking into your eyes. Right now I'm trying to show you that we're gonna be alright. Oh, I don't know what's around the bend. All I know, is that my love, it knows no end. All these pieces, they fall in line, because I'm forever on your side. Take my hand when you can't see the light, 'cause I'm forever on your side. I will carry you every time, 'cause I'm forever on your side. They'll beat you up, but don't let them keep you down. 'Cause you're always tough enough, and I'll always be around. Oh, I don't know, what's around the bend. All I know is that my love, it knows no end. Oh, I can't promise that a day will never come, where the ground beneath us falls out and we got nowhere to run. Oh, but you won't be alone when the waters start to rise up. No, you won't be alone my darling when the rain comes. Oh, I don't know what's around the bend. All I know, is that my love, it knows no end. All these pieces fall in line because I'm forever on your side.

On this day, and every other day of your life, I want you to know how much you are loved. The past 10 years with you has shown me a love like no other. Thank you for loving me like I'm your other Mom. It means so much to me that you do. To me, there is no "step" or "bonus", you are just my daughter. I pray you feel the love I have for you in everything you do. Whenever you are scared, think of me. I'm there. Whenever you feel anxious, think of me. I'm there. Whenever you feel alone, think of me. I'm there. I'm always there. I'm forever on your side. Don't ever feel like you are by yourself in life. Don't ever feel like you have no where to go. Don't ever feel like you have no one to turn to. I promise you, no matter what, I will love you. You mean more to me than you will ever understand. You light up my life every single day. This day will always be special to me. The day we met. The day I fell in love with my youngest daughter. Here's to the next thousand years. I love you Haylie Rae! 

"If ever there is a tomorrow when we are not together, there is something you must remember: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we are apart... I'll always be with you." -Winnie the Pooh

My Girl (Part 1)

 "She ain't my blood, ain't got my name, but if she did I'd feel the same. I wasn't there for her first steps, but I ain't missed a ball game yet. And that ain't never gonna change. I could never walk away. Yeah, she's my baby my whole world. She ain't my blood but she's my, she's my girl." -Elvie Shane

November 16, 2012-November 16, 2022

I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. I worked that day. I was nervous. I was excited. I prayed a lot. I prayed that you would like me. I prayed that we would hit it off quickly. I prayed that we would get along. I prayed that we would have a life long relationship. I prayed that one day you would love me. I prayed that one day you would be my Girl. I think I even prayed that one day I would be the banks for your river. Meeting you was one of the single best days of my entire life. I instantly fell in love with you. Some of my favorite things about you: your laugh, your smile, your loudness, your I don't care attitude, and your beauty. The way you love without trying. The way you always tell me you love me before you leave me. The way you hug me, even though you hate hugs. The way you still let me kiss your forehead whenever I want. The gift you gave me that I never would have had otherwise. The gift of a daughter. Not step. Not bonus. Just daughter. 

My heart is flooded with memories from our first years together. Going to UK games... basketball and football. Meeting Jarrod Polson together for the first time. In the pouring rain. I think that's the most excited I have ever seen you. The Softball field. Watching you hit. Watching you play second base. Watching you be the best one on the team. Going to Florida. The Zoo. The Pool. The Beach. Disney. The Beach. Almost having a wreck in the rain. The Beach. Your bathing suit incident. Singing "When I was your Man" over and over.  Watching our shows together. The Fosters. One Tree Hill. Secret Life of a Teenage Mom. High School Musical. Singing the songs from High School Musical. 

We had so much time to bond during the days of your Dad working 2nd shift. I am so thankful for those times and I think of them often. You always asked me if I needed help with Haylie or if I wanted you to do the dishes after dinner. You would take half of the list when we went to the grocery, and get the stuff on your list and bring it to the cart to save us time. You always helped me carry in the groceries when we got home, and always asked if I needed help putting them away. These will always be things I think of when I remember the early years. 

As you have grown, our relationship has grown as well. The love I have for you is a love I can never explain. It's a love that I never knew existed until we met. A few years ago, I heard a song for the first time. This song said exactly what I felt. The words that I wanted to say to you, but could never find. This song is my song for you. It's called Banks, by Needtobreathe. It basically says to you, that I will always be there no matter what you go through. And not only that I will be there, but that I want to be there. At the same time, I want you to still live your life the way you want, and I still want you to be yourself. I don't ever want to hold you back from anything you want to do. I don't ever want you to feel like you can't come to me for anything you are going though because that's what I'm here for. I want you to know that you are always enough. You are beautiful inside and out. You are always enough. You have a wonderful soul. You are always enough. Your smile and laugh can light up any room. You are always enough. I want to always hold you close, but I never want to hold you back from anything you want in life. I want to be the banks for your river. I only want you to be happy. I want you to feel like you are always enough. As you read the lyrics, please know all of this comes straight from my heart. 

Banks by Needtobreathe

I wanna be there when the voices in your head are loud enough to make you lose your mind. Just the same when you're dominating the day. I wanna be the one who's by your side. You know my love is not the jealous type. It doesn't matter if we win or lose. I could stay or I could come no matter where you're coming from. I can be the one to let you choose. You are beautiful and wild at every turn. Who am I to take control of that? But everybody needs a voice they can follow, when the water and the winds get bad. You know my love is not the jealous type. And it don't matter if we win or lose. I could push or I could pull, no matter what you're trying to do, as long as I can flow along with you. I ain't saying that you need my help, but you don't have to do it all by yourself. When the current gets strong and you need somewhere to rest your bones. I wanna be there for you. I wanna be strong for you. I wanna hold you close but never hold you back, just like the banks to the river. And if you ever feel like you are not enough, I'm gonna break all your mirrors. I wanna be there when the darkness closes in, to make the truth a little clearer. I wanna hold you close but never hold you back. I'll be the banks for your river.

On this day, and every other day of your life, I always want you to know that you are loved. I can't believe I have loved you for 10 years. It feels more like a lifetime. It always will. Thank you for always loving me as your friend and as your bonus mom. You light up my life in ways you'll never understand. This day will always be special to me. And to my heart. The day we met. The day I first heard you laugh. The day I fell in love with my oldest daughter. You'll always be my girl! I love you Hannah Renee! 

Proverbs 31:25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

After The Rain

 "Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge." -Don Henley

In October of 1993, I began a new relationship. The most important relationship of my life. I was 13, and I had just had my heart broken for the first time. The day I met Jesus, I had no idea what the rest of my life would look like. I was a kid searching for my future. I immediately began going to youth group at my church. Youth group was, and remains a huge part of my Christian walk. My youth minister was one of my Christian mentors, and I still to this day remember things he said and things he taught me. Things I would always live by. Things like "Just because you love someone doesn't mean you are always going to like them." His grandmother used to say that. She also used to say "Just because someone is in your heart, don't mean they won't get in your hair." Things like this will never leave me. I've tried my best to always remember these statements. I had the same youth minister during all of my years of youth group. However, when I was a senior in high school, he and his family moved to a different church. To say I was heart broken is an understatement. He told me before he told the whole group, because of our history. We started out at a church in Lexington, then he left that church and went to one in Georgetown. So, I ended up going to the church in Georgetown. But now, he was headed a little farther away. I wouldn't be able to attend the church he moved to. The day he told me that he was leaving, I remember the feeling I had in my gut. I wanted to cry. I wanted to puke. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. We were at a state youth convention when he told me, so I couldn't really do any of those things. The next day, we headed home in the church van. He had a new cassette tape he was playing, and it was an artist I was never that fond of. However, that day she spoke to me. It was a song called "Somewhere Down the Road" by Amy Grant. As the song played, I looked up at my youth minister in the rear view mirror. He smiled. As if to say, "I'll see you somewhere down the road." 

Those years of my youth shaped who I am today. When I look back on those years, I'm reminded of how much my relationship with God has been the stronghold in my life. No matter where I've been, or what I've been going through, He was the one true constant. He's always been faithful. There are two things in my life that get the credit of, "The hardest thing I've ever been through." One was my Dad's stroke. The second was the loss of my job. Which is the one I want to focus on a little bit. But, only a little bit. See, now I have healed from that. And that's what this story is about. In November of 2018 I lost my job due to an election outcome. I had been at the same job for 17 years. I was 21 when I started working there and I was 38 on my last day there. I had made lifelong friends at this job. Or, so I thought. Turns out I was wrong. And that was something I never thought I'd be wrong about. It was so hard to say goodbye to them on my last day. And even harder to say goodbye to them forever. It was a decision that I made after spending a lot of time praying about it. It took me a really long time to be content with it. Today, I can finally say, I've burned some bridges. Most of them make me a happier person. I remember the feeling I had in my gut. I wanted to cry. I wanted to puke. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall.

A month and a half after I lost my job, I started a new job. Kinda the same job, only in a different county. Two and a half years in, I was asked to be a Chief Deputy again. The same position I originally held at the office that I had left. I couldn't believe that this oppertunity arose. When the Clerk asked me, she wanted me to think about it. She knew what I had been through before, and wanted to make sure I knew for sure what I wanted to do. I prayed about it for one day. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. This is what I was meant to do. This was what I wanted. This was what God wanted. I accepted the position a little over a year ago. I'll forever be thankful for the Clerk for believing in me. The last year has helped me heal in more ways than I knew it could. God allowed all of this to happen to me, and He knew the outcome. He knew what I needed. He knew what my heart needed. On Monday of this week, that Clerk retired. She served 27 years and then some. There were happy tears for her. She will be missed for sure. 

Yesterday, the person I share Chief Deputy roles with took the test and was appointed as the new Circuit Clerk of Franklin County. She was sworn in yesterday afternoon. I'm really excited to start this new chapter with her. However, it didn't hit me until I was on my way home from work today, how truly happy I am. I usually listen to music on the way home from work, and I was listening to a playlist I made of 90's Christian music. I was almost home when the song came on. It was an artist I was never that fond of. It was a song called "Somewhere Down the Road" by Amy Grant. As I listened to the lyrics once again, it spoke to me in a much different way. I'm a true believer that things happen for a reason. I looked in the rear view mirror as the music played and I smiled. As if to say "THIS IS somewhere down the road." Here are the lyrics. 

"So much pain and no good reason why. You've cried until the tears run dry. And nothing here can make you understand. The one thing that you held so dear is slipping from your hands. And you say, why why why, does it go this way? Why why why? And all I can say is Somewhere down the road, there'll be answers to the questions. Somewhere down the road, though we may not see it now. Somewhere down the road, you will find mighty arms reaching for you. And they will hold the answers at the end of the road. Yesterday I thought I'd seen it all. I thought I'd climbed the highest wall. Now I see the learning never ends. And all I know to do is keep on walking. Walking round the bend, saying why why why, does it go this way? Why why why? And all I can say..." 

This is somewhere down the road. That moment when you realize that God had his hands all over the situation the whole time is something I can't explain to you. It's an overwhelming, wonderful, feel good feeling. It's an outpouring of tears of joy rolling down your face. Ten years ago, I met my husband. Ten years ago, we struggled. Almost 4 years ago when I lost my job, we struggled. But God was faithful. I can say now, we don't struggle. God has truly blessed us in our life and in our careers. I am thankful and will never take anything for granted that we've been given. I can honestly say, at this moment, I'm so thankful and even excited to go to work now. It's different where I am now. Different in so many good ways. Just remember, God can turn around any situation. Romans 8:28 Never be afraid of change. God is in control. 

"Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her!" Luke 1:45

Head Games

Ever since I can remember, I never wanted anyone mad or upset with me. My Mom can tell you that I was never a hard kid to discipline because if I knew she was upset or disappointed in me, it tore my sole in half. So whatever I had done, chances are I never did it again. I couldn't handle the disappointment from my parents. Today, at the age of 41 and almost a half, I still feel the same way. So much so that I don't even want my worst enemy to be upset with me. There are some things inside my head right now that I just need to get out. Actually, a lot of it is in my heart too, which makes it harder. I can deal with head games easier than I can heart games. It's more personal once it gets in your heart. This might be a hard read for some. Normally my blogs are more upbeat. This one, not so much. I have an inner struggle right now that I can't say much about out in the open like this. It's an inner struggle that I can't even talk to many people about. It's an inner struggle that I chose. An inner struggle that God knew I could handle when He let me know it was in His plans for me. He never promised that it would be easy, He just promised that He and I together could handle it. What is this inner struggle? Motherhood. Wait... let me rephrase that... STEP Motherhood. 

-Step-Mom: A woman who is the wife or partner of one's father after the divorce of one's parents or the death of one's mother.

-Bonus-Mom: A female caregiver of a child who assumed the parental role through marriage to one of the child's biological parents. The second wife of a child's biological father.

-Mother: Bring up a child with care and affection; give birth to.

These definitions are hard to read for me. I get the "give birth to" part, but the rest is kinda just disrespectful. So since I didn't "give birth to" this child, I'm only "the wife of one's father after the divorce" or "caregiver of a child only by marriage"? See, I didn't give birth to any children, but I have two girls that I love just as much as if I did give birth to them, so these definitions are offensive. Society agrees with them though. Did you know that if my step-daughter wants to take her permit test, that I can't take her to get it? It has to be a legal parent. So basically, in the legal eyes, I'm just as good as a baby sitter to my step-kids. That's not only offensive and disrespectful, but it's very hurtful to think about. Most days, I can handle the way it makes me feel. But lately, it's been tough. I didn't realize how hard it was until this weekend. I always worry that maybe I am just "my husband's wife" and nothing more to them. It's just something I am working on getting rid of. It's the devil. And his head games. Or is it heart games? 

My husband gets his daughter every other weekend. This weekend she was here. This weekend was a great weekend. Until she left. It's that way every other weekend when she comes. But this weekend was a little different. After she left, I got my confirmation. She said something to me that I will never forget. Something that I needed to hear today more than she even could imagine. I've known her since she was 5 years old. She fell in love with me instantly and the feeling was mutual. All of these head/heart games I'm dealing with right now, they are all worth it. For her, everything is worth it. 

I've seen this meme that's been going around for a while now and I share it every time I see it. I shared it last night, and I just shared it again. This is what it says: "A good step-mom is not made-she is built. She is built by the hardships of her role, the tears she cries in secret, and by the lessons she learns through trial and error. The passionate step-mom lives in all of us. She makes mistakes. She has strong opinions she often can't express. She remains quiet when she wants to scream. She makes sacrifices others may not be capable of. She learns how to love in many different ways. And she gives. She gives her heart, her soul, and her life to making sure a child she didn't give birth to smiles, has wonderful memories, and - most importantly- feels loved." Perfect. All of it. Perfect words. 

Lauren Daigle is my girl. She is my absolute favorite. She speaks to me more than any other artist ever has. A song I needed today is called "I'm Yours". "Even the thunder and the wind obey, at the command of my Father, Father. I set my feet upon Your mighty Name. So let the rain fall harder, harder. So take my everything, my flesh and my blood. I lay me down at the alter, alter. I am forever covered in Your love, so let the rain fall. So let the waters rise, I will stand as the oceans roar. Let the earth shake beneath me. Let the mountains fall. You are God over the storm and I am Yours." My Father is always faithful. When the devil tries to strike up these head games, He always reminds me who is in control. And I'm always, always, always, reminded of my favorite Bible verse. Exodus 14:14 The Lord Himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.

I have songs for each one of my step-daughters. And I have decided to write separate blogs for those. My oldest step-daughter turns 25 this week. My youngest will be 15 in March. They are my entire heart and my whole world. It's a love I can't explain in words. But, I'm going to attempt to try in my next two blogs. It will be my "love story" with each of them. I'm excited to be back writing again. It helps. It's needed. I've been away too long. Meanwhile, I'll keep on this journey of MOTHERHOOD with my girls. No matter what the devil tries to make me feel, this girl ain't going anywhere!

"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.'" Proverbs 31:28-29