Head Games

Ever since I can remember, I never wanted anyone mad or upset with me. My Mom can tell you that I was never a hard kid to discipline because if I knew she was upset or disappointed in me, it tore my sole in half. So whatever I had done, chances are I never did it again. I couldn't handle the disappointment from my parents. Today, at the age of 41 and almost a half, I still feel the same way. So much so that I don't even want my worst enemy to be upset with me. There are some things inside my head right now that I just need to get out. Actually, a lot of it is in my heart too, which makes it harder. I can deal with head games easier than I can heart games. It's more personal once it gets in your heart. This might be a hard read for some. Normally my blogs are more upbeat. This one, not so much. I have an inner struggle right now that I can't say much about out in the open like this. It's an inner struggle that I can't even talk to many people about. It's an inner struggle that I chose. An inner struggle that God knew I could handle when He let me know it was in His plans for me. He never promised that it would be easy, He just promised that He and I together could handle it. What is this inner struggle? Motherhood. Wait... let me rephrase that... STEP Motherhood. 

-Step-Mom: A woman who is the wife or partner of one's father after the divorce of one's parents or the death of one's mother.

-Bonus-Mom: A female caregiver of a child who assumed the parental role through marriage to one of the child's biological parents. The second wife of a child's biological father.

-Mother: Bring up a child with care and affection; give birth to.

These definitions are hard to read for me. I get the "give birth to" part, but the rest is kinda just disrespectful. So since I didn't "give birth to" this child, I'm only "the wife of one's father after the divorce" or "caregiver of a child only by marriage"? See, I didn't give birth to any children, but I have two girls that I love just as much as if I did give birth to them, so these definitions are offensive. Society agrees with them though. Did you know that if my step-daughter wants to take her permit test, that I can't take her to get it? It has to be a legal parent. So basically, in the legal eyes, I'm just as good as a baby sitter to my step-kids. That's not only offensive and disrespectful, but it's very hurtful to think about. Most days, I can handle the way it makes me feel. But lately, it's been tough. I didn't realize how hard it was until this weekend. I always worry that maybe I am just "my husband's wife" and nothing more to them. It's just something I am working on getting rid of. It's the devil. And his head games. Or is it heart games? 

My husband gets his daughter every other weekend. This weekend she was here. This weekend was a great weekend. Until she left. It's that way every other weekend when she comes. But this weekend was a little different. After she left, I got my confirmation. She said something to me that I will never forget. Something that I needed to hear today more than she even could imagine. I've known her since she was 5 years old. She fell in love with me instantly and the feeling was mutual. All of these head/heart games I'm dealing with right now, they are all worth it. For her, everything is worth it. 

I've seen this meme that's been going around for a while now and I share it every time I see it. I shared it last night, and I just shared it again. This is what it says: "A good step-mom is not made-she is built. She is built by the hardships of her role, the tears she cries in secret, and by the lessons she learns through trial and error. The passionate step-mom lives in all of us. She makes mistakes. She has strong opinions she often can't express. She remains quiet when she wants to scream. She makes sacrifices others may not be capable of. She learns how to love in many different ways. And she gives. She gives her heart, her soul, and her life to making sure a child she didn't give birth to smiles, has wonderful memories, and - most importantly- feels loved." Perfect. All of it. Perfect words. 

Lauren Daigle is my girl. She is my absolute favorite. She speaks to me more than any other artist ever has. A song I needed today is called "I'm Yours". "Even the thunder and the wind obey, at the command of my Father, Father. I set my feet upon Your mighty Name. So let the rain fall harder, harder. So take my everything, my flesh and my blood. I lay me down at the alter, alter. I am forever covered in Your love, so let the rain fall. So let the waters rise, I will stand as the oceans roar. Let the earth shake beneath me. Let the mountains fall. You are God over the storm and I am Yours." My Father is always faithful. When the devil tries to strike up these head games, He always reminds me who is in control. And I'm always, always, always, reminded of my favorite Bible verse. Exodus 14:14 The Lord Himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.

I have songs for each one of my step-daughters. And I have decided to write separate blogs for those. My oldest step-daughter turns 25 this week. My youngest will be 15 in March. They are my entire heart and my whole world. It's a love I can't explain in words. But, I'm going to attempt to try in my next two blogs. It will be my "love story" with each of them. I'm excited to be back writing again. It helps. It's needed. I've been away too long. Meanwhile, I'll keep on this journey of MOTHERHOOD with my girls. No matter what the devil tries to make me feel, this girl ain't going anywhere!

"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.'" Proverbs 31:28-29