How to Save a Life

 

“It’s a beautiful day to save lives.” -Derek Shepherd

About 10 years ago, while I was on vacation in Myrtle Beach, my dad had his first stroke. I remember the fear that came over my body just hearing that word. As a Christian, your first reaction is to just stop what you are doing and pray, pray, pray. I did that. However, my emotions were not cooperating with me. We were set to leave Myrtle Beach the next morning anyway, but the drive home was so awful. There’s nothing worse than having to drive a long distance knowing that when you get there, you don’t know what you are going to find out. Luckily, that stroke only effected his vision, his speech, and his ability to keep things in. Meaning, no filter. After some therapy, he was back to normal. He could talk like he used to, and act like he used to. The only thing he couldn’t do was drive. But he was able to mow the grass. That was a happy day for all.

Fast forward almost 4 years to February 23, 2018. My brother’s birthday. The day my dad had his second stroke. This was the big one. The one we refer to as, “the bad one”. He lost mobility in his right side with that one. It took a little longer in therapy, however, once he completed therapy, he was able to walk with a cane and with some assistance. This one was harder for me to take than any of the others. I got angry. I was angry with everyone in my sight. I was angry with God. Possibly for the first time in my life. I could not understand why this kept happening to him. Why him? Really God? The guy who lived his life to serve you. The guy who missed summers with his children to go to school to become a preacher. Not to mention how angry I was at his previous congregations. Not one person came to see him. Or even called him. My question was, and to this day is still, when the shepherd is sick, who prays for him? Do the sheep not jump in and check on him? Do they just move on living their own lives? I struggled with this stroke and everything that came with it for a little over a year.

March 4, 2019. The day Luke Perry died. His cause of death? A stroke. At age 52. He suffered a stroke caused by a blood clot on February 27^th of that year. Only 4 days after my dad’s stroke the previous year. It’s strange how God works. He knows ways to get through to my heart so well. As crazy as this sounds, I feel like God used Luke Perry’s death of a stroke as a reminder to me that my dad is still here with us. Did he suffer a stroke? Yes. However, he’s still here with us and his personality is the exact same. That was how I healed from the pain of my dad’s stroke. By realizing that not all families are as blessed as we have been.

As my dad has gotten older, he’s needed more assistance. My mom has done all of that for him. She has been his full-time caregiver since that day. She is one of the strongest people ever created. My husband has also helped some with him. Only when my mom lets him. He’s in that field of work, so he’s familiar with what to do and how to do things. I have leaned on him a lot when my mom has needed help with my dad. We had to keep him over night a few times and my husband was a huge help to me. For that I was so very thankful.

About 3 months ago, my mom had a small scare. Her blood level was low, and they were trying to see what was causing it. She called me on Tuesday morning and asked if I could come sit with my dad while she went to the hospital for a blood transfusion. I was supposed to sit with him for 4 hours tops. No big deal. I dropped my mom off at the hospital and went back to sit with my dad. I don’t remember how long I had been there when my mom let me know that they were admitting her to try and figure out why her iron was so low. I knew that this meant I had to step up into her spot and become my dad’s caregiver. My brother had been off work for a while prior to this due to an illness and he had just gone back to work, so I knew he wasn’t able to take off. Dustin had just started a brand-new job and he wasn’t able to take off either. I will not lie to you at all… it was a struggle for me. It was hard on me as his daughter to do the things I had to do. However, this is my dad and I had to be there for him. My heart was broken the entire time because my mom was in the hospital basically by herself. Honestly, for her, it was probably a nice break to be by herself. But she is the one who is always at the hospital with us when we need her and here, she was all alone. Thinking about that was my biggest struggle through everything. That made me emotional. But we made it. My Mom was in the hospital for a few days, and come to find out, there wasn’t anything serious causing the bleed in her stomach.

There were several things I learned that week. 1. My Dad is one of the most loving people ever put on this earth and I am so blessed to be like him in so many ways. And I’m even more blessed that I still have him. 2. My Mom does way too much. But she does it because she’s a strong woman who is a mother and a wife who loves her family. After taking her place for a short time, I don’t ever question why she does it. I am blessed to be like her in so many ways. 3. My brother has never been a guy of many words, but I am thankful that he’s happy. I was able to bond with him this week without even knowing it and I’m thankful for that. 4. My husband is a saint. He wouldn’t ever let me do this thing alone and stayed by my side if for nothing else but to keep me strong. I have such an appreciation for him, and this made that appreciation even deeper. 5. I’ve always knowing this, but I was reminded that all God asks of us is to be willing. Once you are willing to do what he needs you to do, the blessing will come. It was a hard thing for me to do, but once I knew I had to, the willingness came. Once the willingness was there, everything worked out. I was so patient through this and I’m so thankful I was not only able to do this, but willing to do it with patience.

Fast forward about 3 months. It was a Sunday. October 13, 2024 to be exact. The day my dad suffered his third stroke. We had planned to go to their house already and Dustin was going to go up to the attic and get my mom’s decorations out for her and in return, she was going to fix him beef liver and onion. YUCK. My brother and I now joke that at least we didn’t have liver and onion. We are the only two who don’t like it. Dustin and I were at a gas station leaving Georgetown when I got a text from my mom. It said, “Do you have an oxygen reader?” I said that out loud and before I could ask anything, Dustin was calling her. He knew why. I could hear her on the other end when she answered Dustin’s question about why she aske for an oxygen reader. The 6 words I never wanted to hear again. “I think Dad’s had another stroke.” I immediately took off from the gas station while he was still on the phone. When we got to the house, Dustin jumped out of the car and went inside as fast as he could while I parked the car. By the time I got inside, I looked at Dustin and he simply nodded his head to me. Right after that, the ambulance pulled in. They took my dad to UK hospital, and they went directly to do a CT scan. That scan determined my dad had a stroke in his cerebellum. His speech was slurred, and his left side felt numb. Thankfully, he didn’t end up losing all feeling on that side like he did with his previous stroke. He was at UK hospital for 5 days and then they transferred him to The Willows for rehab.

My Dad has been at The Willows for 11 days now. His speech is almost normal, and his strength is coming back slowly. I’m still trying to stay positive and encourage him every time I’m able to see him. It warms my heart to hear people at The Willows saying things like “Hey Papa Snapp!” and “He’s a sweet, sweet man.” They seem to love him there, but how could they not? I just keep praying that his progress keeps moving forward and that he gets his strength back enough to walk with assistance again. I want him to enjoy food the way he used to, and he’s getting there. However, it’s hard right now because he still must be careful with what he eats. But he’s here and for the most part, he’s still happy. For that, I am thankful.

I say all this for several reasons. First, I needed to get it out. Secondly, I need to use it to encourage others. That’s where you come in. In 2018, throughout the duration of my dad trying to heal from his second stroke, I really started to question God a lot. It was such a hard time for me spiritually, however I continued to pray. I continued to worship Him. I remember one song that stands out to me and it will always remind me of that time in my life every time I hear it. It’s called, “Light to You” by Michael W. Smith. Here are some of the lyrics that brought me back to God every single day during that time.

“My hope, has found it’s resting place. And I’ll search no more. Even the darkness is light to You. It’s hard to believe it, but You say that it’s true. Even the darkness is light to you. My hope has found it’s anchor safe, and your rock it holds. Even the darkness is light to You. It’s hard to believe it, but You say that it’s true. Even the darkness is light to You. If I made my bed in the depths. If I rise on the wings of the morning. Through the farthest horizon You’re there. You will find me. You will find me. Even my darkness is light to You. My darkness, is light to You.”

How do we save lives? Not literally necessarily. But what do we, as Christians, need to do to save others? I’m very big on not being a hypocrite. When I say that, I don’t mean “being human” because we all are human and none of us are perfect. Especially when it comes to our Christian walk. I’ve always tried my best to be cautious about what I do in front of others. Especially the non-believers. If you’ve ever known an atheist, I guarantee you have heard reasons why they choose to be an atheist. My next sentence may not be a popular one for some of you. I completely understand why they choose to be that way. They live their lives watching US, the Christians, live a hypocritical life and they decide they don’t want to be that way or associated with anything that makes people act that way. We need to remember, and I say “we” because I mean myself too, that people are watching us. We are a reflection of God. We are here to save people, but instead we push them away because they don’t believe in the same things that we do. Or because they don’t pray. Or because they drink. Or say bad words. Which brings me to my next thing. Everyone sees the Christians doing those things. Drinking, Cussing, Gossiping… They see it all. That is why they want no part of it. We are doing the same things that we think they shouldn’t do. Because they don’t claim to love God, we in return begin to hate them. Instead, we should be praying for them. I am a firm believer that God gave us all free will for a reason. There are certain things that Christians do that are between them and God. My convictions are different from yours. My philosophy on that is, that’s between you and God. I’m here to love, I’m not here to judge.

It's just like the story of the woman who was caught in the act of adultery in the Bible. It’s found in John chapter 8, verses 1-11.   Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, ² but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them. ³ As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd.⁴ “Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. ⁵ The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?” ⁶ They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. ⁷ They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” ⁸ Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.

⁹ When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. ¹⁰ Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” ¹¹ “No, Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

What happened that day, was between her and God. Not me and God. Nor her and I. I try to think about this story a lot. It’s hard to always see things the same way Jesus sees them. Christian artist, Brandon Lake, told the story of when he attended the Grammy’s. It was the year that Sam Smith was there and wore the red devil outfit. People were crucifying Brandon for being there. When I say people, I mean Christians. Brandon’s response is out of this world… as per usual. He said “I’m like, Ya’ll…why don’t you just pray for the man? And why don’t you just pray for people? Like, why are you coming at me? Do you think Jesus would get up and leave the Grammy’s because of that? Do you think He’s scared of that? Do you realize if you call yourself a Christian what authority you have? And we are called to love these people. Don’t leave the room, love on them! The 40 seconds I was given to accept the award, I preached the gospel the best I could and you are throwing stones.” Wow. Do you need to read that again? I do.

I still celebrate the day I was saved. October 17, 1993. I was 13 years old. It was something I had never experienced before, and by far the best feeling I’ve ever had in the world. On that day, I made a promise to God to live my life for Him. Have I broken that promise? Yes. More than once? Absolutely. But it’s still my main goal in my heart and in my life. The day I was saved, there was a song involved. That’s always the way with me. Here are the lyrics to “Where There is Faith” by 4HIM.

“I believe in faithfulness; I believe in giving of myself for someone else. I believe in peace and love; I believe in honesty and trust but it’s not enough. For all that I believe may never change the way it is, unless I believe Jesus lives. Where there is faith, there is a voice calling keep walking. You’re not alone in this world. Where there is faith, there is a peace like a child sleeping. Hope everlasting in He, who is able to bear every burden, to heal every hurt in my heart. It is a wonderful, powerful place. Where there is faith. There’s a man across the sea, never heard the sound of freedom ring. Only in his dreams. There’s a lady dressed in black, in a motorcade of Cadillacs. Daddy’s not coming back. Our hearts begin to fall and our stability grows weak, but Jesus meets our needs, if we only believe.”

This song will always hold a special place in my heart. It’s my love song with God. Well, one of them anyway. We have a lot of those. Recently, my heart has changed. I’m trying my best to be a better person. I’m trying to control my anger and just do better. I want to be the kind of person my dad is. I want people to walk past the room I’m in and say “She is the sweetest person.” I don’t want to do anything to make that a false statement about me. I want to be the way I was made. The way God made me to be. Nothing less.

 

“Humans are made in the likeness of God, and how we treat people reflects how we value God.”

James 3:9

My Girl (Part 2)

 "She ain't got my smile, that don't bother me a bit. She's got somebody else's eyes I'm seeing myself in holding on to every moment, God knows I've missed a few. The day we met I knew I had some catching up to do. She's my baby my whole world. She ain't my blood but she's my, she's my girl." -Elvie Shane

November 30, 2012-November 30, 2022

The day we were supposed to meet, you fell asleep. Now, it all makes sense. You knew that you and your sister deserved separate "days" with me. The image of the first time I saw you that night will never leave my brain. Or my heart. We were at a store in the mall, and I was at one end of the aisle and you were at the other end of the aisle. You were holding your Dad's hand, standing very close to him, with a huge smile on your face and the cutest curls in your hair. You had a red bow in your hair and you were so excited to see Santa that you couldn't hardly stand still. We met, and instantly we both bonded. A bond that will never be broken. You had a hard time saying my name. So, I became Bentasha for a time. A name I'll always cherish. I had a Charlie Brown Christmas shirt on and you loved it because it had Snoopy on it. You've always had a love for dogs. You and I walked through the mall that night and held hands. We took pictures in a picture booth. We met Santa. That night I knew that my life was about to change. 

Early on in our relationship, I knew that you loved me. Not only did you tell me 5,000 times a day, but you also drew me so many pictures with my name on it. You were always asking someone how to spell my name. I'm so thankful for your love for me. Then and now. There are so many things I missed before I met you, but there are so many memories we've made that I think about often. Things I'm so happy I was able to be a part of. Seeing you meet Cinderella was the most excited I've ever seen you. Seeing you meet Noah Schnapp was pretty awesome too. However, for me, the best memory I have with you is meeting David Harbour. It was just the two of us. So excited. SO MAD (me). But so excited all at the same time.Taking you to your first concert, Taylor Swift, on the hottest day of the year. Going to Atlanta and standing in the heat outside of the filming for Stranger Things. Going to see the Braves play and being miserable together. Folding clothes with you on the bed, just to hear you say to me; "EEEEWWWW. That's Daddy's panties and you're touchin' em." Hearing you sing songs with words you shouldn't say just yet. Our wedding. Our vacations. Our "week before Christmas" outings. These things and so much more, are things that bring my heart so much joy. 

My love for you? It's so hard to put into words. It's something that is so deep, that even I can't find the words for. You came into my life just when I needed you. God knew I needed a daughter to take care of. One who would look up to me in ways I never imagined. One that I would love so much more than I ever thought I could. One who needed me just as much as I needed her. There is a song that my heart has dedicated to you. It's called "Forever On Your Side" by Needtobreathe. The words to this song come straight from my heart to yours. It basically says that we can't control what all is going to happen in our lives, but that as long as we have each other, that's all that matters. As long as we have each other's love, everything will be okay. No matter what. That kind of love, the love I have for you, and the love you have for me, it knows no end. It always keeps going. When you are all grown up, and life is even more hard than it is right now, don't let life keep you down. And if it knocks you down, know that I'm always with you. I'm always here for you. I'm forever on your side. No matter what. You never have to face anything you go through by yourself, because I am right here. Always. Forever. As you read the lyrics to the song, remember how much I love you. 

Forever On Your Side by Needtobreathe

I won't pretend that we can control the night. Or what kind of road we're on, or where we will see the light. But right now I'm talking to you, I'm looking into your eyes. Right now I'm trying to show you that we're gonna be alright. Oh, I don't know what's around the bend. All I know, is that my love, it knows no end. All these pieces, they fall in line, because I'm forever on your side. Take my hand when you can't see the light, 'cause I'm forever on your side. I will carry you every time, 'cause I'm forever on your side. They'll beat you up, but don't let them keep you down. 'Cause you're always tough enough, and I'll always be around. Oh, I don't know, what's around the bend. All I know is that my love, it knows no end. Oh, I can't promise that a day will never come, where the ground beneath us falls out and we got nowhere to run. Oh, but you won't be alone when the waters start to rise up. No, you won't be alone my darling when the rain comes. Oh, I don't know what's around the bend. All I know, is that my love, it knows no end. All these pieces fall in line because I'm forever on your side.

On this day, and every other day of your life, I want you to know how much you are loved. The past 10 years with you has shown me a love like no other. Thank you for loving me like I'm your other Mom. It means so much to me that you do. To me, there is no "step" or "bonus", you are just my daughter. I pray you feel the love I have for you in everything you do. Whenever you are scared, think of me. I'm there. Whenever you feel anxious, think of me. I'm there. Whenever you feel alone, think of me. I'm there. I'm always there. I'm forever on your side. Don't ever feel like you are by yourself in life. Don't ever feel like you have no where to go. Don't ever feel like you have no one to turn to. I promise you, no matter what, I will love you. You mean more to me than you will ever understand. You light up my life every single day. This day will always be special to me. The day we met. The day I fell in love with my youngest daughter. Here's to the next thousand years. I love you Haylie Rae! 

"If ever there is a tomorrow when we are not together, there is something you must remember: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we are apart... I'll always be with you." -Winnie the Pooh

My Girl (Part 1)

 "She ain't my blood, ain't got my name, but if she did I'd feel the same. I wasn't there for her first steps, but I ain't missed a ball game yet. And that ain't never gonna change. I could never walk away. Yeah, she's my baby my whole world. She ain't my blood but she's my, she's my girl." -Elvie Shane

November 16, 2012-November 16, 2022

I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. I worked that day. I was nervous. I was excited. I prayed a lot. I prayed that you would like me. I prayed that we would hit it off quickly. I prayed that we would get along. I prayed that we would have a life long relationship. I prayed that one day you would love me. I prayed that one day you would be my Girl. I think I even prayed that one day I would be the banks for your river. Meeting you was one of the single best days of my entire life. I instantly fell in love with you. Some of my favorite things about you: your laugh, your smile, your loudness, your I don't care attitude, and your beauty. The way you love without trying. The way you always tell me you love me before you leave me. The way you hug me, even though you hate hugs. The way you still let me kiss your forehead whenever I want. The gift you gave me that I never would have had otherwise. The gift of a daughter. Not step. Not bonus. Just daughter. 

My heart is flooded with memories from our first years together. Going to UK games... basketball and football. Meeting Jarrod Polson together for the first time. In the pouring rain. I think that's the most excited I have ever seen you. The Softball field. Watching you hit. Watching you play second base. Watching you be the best one on the team. Going to Florida. The Zoo. The Pool. The Beach. Disney. The Beach. Almost having a wreck in the rain. The Beach. Your bathing suit incident. Singing "When I was your Man" over and over.  Watching our shows together. The Fosters. One Tree Hill. Secret Life of a Teenage Mom. High School Musical. Singing the songs from High School Musical. 

We had so much time to bond during the days of your Dad working 2nd shift. I am so thankful for those times and I think of them often. You always asked me if I needed help with Haylie or if I wanted you to do the dishes after dinner. You would take half of the list when we went to the grocery, and get the stuff on your list and bring it to the cart to save us time. You always helped me carry in the groceries when we got home, and always asked if I needed help putting them away. These will always be things I think of when I remember the early years. 

As you have grown, our relationship has grown as well. The love I have for you is a love I can never explain. It's a love that I never knew existed until we met. A few years ago, I heard a song for the first time. This song said exactly what I felt. The words that I wanted to say to you, but could never find. This song is my song for you. It's called Banks, by Needtobreathe. It basically says to you, that I will always be there no matter what you go through. And not only that I will be there, but that I want to be there. At the same time, I want you to still live your life the way you want, and I still want you to be yourself. I don't ever want to hold you back from anything you want to do. I don't ever want you to feel like you can't come to me for anything you are going though because that's what I'm here for. I want you to know that you are always enough. You are beautiful inside and out. You are always enough. You have a wonderful soul. You are always enough. Your smile and laugh can light up any room. You are always enough. I want to always hold you close, but I never want to hold you back from anything you want in life. I want to be the banks for your river. I only want you to be happy. I want you to feel like you are always enough. As you read the lyrics, please know all of this comes straight from my heart. 

Banks by Needtobreathe

I wanna be there when the voices in your head are loud enough to make you lose your mind. Just the same when you're dominating the day. I wanna be the one who's by your side. You know my love is not the jealous type. It doesn't matter if we win or lose. I could stay or I could come no matter where you're coming from. I can be the one to let you choose. You are beautiful and wild at every turn. Who am I to take control of that? But everybody needs a voice they can follow, when the water and the winds get bad. You know my love is not the jealous type. And it don't matter if we win or lose. I could push or I could pull, no matter what you're trying to do, as long as I can flow along with you. I ain't saying that you need my help, but you don't have to do it all by yourself. When the current gets strong and you need somewhere to rest your bones. I wanna be there for you. I wanna be strong for you. I wanna hold you close but never hold you back, just like the banks to the river. And if you ever feel like you are not enough, I'm gonna break all your mirrors. I wanna be there when the darkness closes in, to make the truth a little clearer. I wanna hold you close but never hold you back. I'll be the banks for your river.

On this day, and every other day of your life, I always want you to know that you are loved. I can't believe I have loved you for 10 years. It feels more like a lifetime. It always will. Thank you for always loving me as your friend and as your bonus mom. You light up my life in ways you'll never understand. This day will always be special to me. And to my heart. The day we met. The day I first heard you laugh. The day I fell in love with my oldest daughter. You'll always be my girl! I love you Hannah Renee! 

Proverbs 31:25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

After The Rain

 "Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge." -Don Henley

In October of 1993, I began a new relationship. The most important relationship of my life. I was 13, and I had just had my heart broken for the first time. The day I met Jesus, I had no idea what the rest of my life would look like. I was a kid searching for my future. I immediately began going to youth group at my church. Youth group was, and remains a huge part of my Christian walk. My youth minister was one of my Christian mentors, and I still to this day remember things he said and things he taught me. Things I would always live by. Things like "Just because you love someone doesn't mean you are always going to like them." His grandmother used to say that. She also used to say "Just because someone is in your heart, don't mean they won't get in your hair." Things like this will never leave me. I've tried my best to always remember these statements. I had the same youth minister during all of my years of youth group. However, when I was a senior in high school, he and his family moved to a different church. To say I was heart broken is an understatement. He told me before he told the whole group, because of our history. We started out at a church in Lexington, then he left that church and went to one in Georgetown. So, I ended up going to the church in Georgetown. But now, he was headed a little farther away. I wouldn't be able to attend the church he moved to. The day he told me that he was leaving, I remember the feeling I had in my gut. I wanted to cry. I wanted to puke. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. We were at a state youth convention when he told me, so I couldn't really do any of those things. The next day, we headed home in the church van. He had a new cassette tape he was playing, and it was an artist I was never that fond of. However, that day she spoke to me. It was a song called "Somewhere Down the Road" by Amy Grant. As the song played, I looked up at my youth minister in the rear view mirror. He smiled. As if to say, "I'll see you somewhere down the road." 

Those years of my youth shaped who I am today. When I look back on those years, I'm reminded of how much my relationship with God has been the stronghold in my life. No matter where I've been, or what I've been going through, He was the one true constant. He's always been faithful. There are two things in my life that get the credit of, "The hardest thing I've ever been through." One was my Dad's stroke. The second was the loss of my job. Which is the one I want to focus on a little bit. But, only a little bit. See, now I have healed from that. And that's what this story is about. In November of 2018 I lost my job due to an election outcome. I had been at the same job for 17 years. I was 21 when I started working there and I was 38 on my last day there. I had made lifelong friends at this job. Or, so I thought. Turns out I was wrong. And that was something I never thought I'd be wrong about. It was so hard to say goodbye to them on my last day. And even harder to say goodbye to them forever. It was a decision that I made after spending a lot of time praying about it. It took me a really long time to be content with it. Today, I can finally say, I've burned some bridges. Most of them make me a happier person. I remember the feeling I had in my gut. I wanted to cry. I wanted to puke. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall.

A month and a half after I lost my job, I started a new job. Kinda the same job, only in a different county. Two and a half years in, I was asked to be a Chief Deputy again. The same position I originally held at the office that I had left. I couldn't believe that this oppertunity arose. When the Clerk asked me, she wanted me to think about it. She knew what I had been through before, and wanted to make sure I knew for sure what I wanted to do. I prayed about it for one day. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. This is what I was meant to do. This was what I wanted. This was what God wanted. I accepted the position a little over a year ago. I'll forever be thankful for the Clerk for believing in me. The last year has helped me heal in more ways than I knew it could. God allowed all of this to happen to me, and He knew the outcome. He knew what I needed. He knew what my heart needed. On Monday of this week, that Clerk retired. She served 27 years and then some. There were happy tears for her. She will be missed for sure. 

Yesterday, the person I share Chief Deputy roles with took the test and was appointed as the new Circuit Clerk of Franklin County. She was sworn in yesterday afternoon. I'm really excited to start this new chapter with her. However, it didn't hit me until I was on my way home from work today, how truly happy I am. I usually listen to music on the way home from work, and I was listening to a playlist I made of 90's Christian music. I was almost home when the song came on. It was an artist I was never that fond of. It was a song called "Somewhere Down the Road" by Amy Grant. As I listened to the lyrics once again, it spoke to me in a much different way. I'm a true believer that things happen for a reason. I looked in the rear view mirror as the music played and I smiled. As if to say "THIS IS somewhere down the road." Here are the lyrics. 

"So much pain and no good reason why. You've cried until the tears run dry. And nothing here can make you understand. The one thing that you held so dear is slipping from your hands. And you say, why why why, does it go this way? Why why why? And all I can say is Somewhere down the road, there'll be answers to the questions. Somewhere down the road, though we may not see it now. Somewhere down the road, you will find mighty arms reaching for you. And they will hold the answers at the end of the road. Yesterday I thought I'd seen it all. I thought I'd climbed the highest wall. Now I see the learning never ends. And all I know to do is keep on walking. Walking round the bend, saying why why why, does it go this way? Why why why? And all I can say..." 

This is somewhere down the road. That moment when you realize that God had his hands all over the situation the whole time is something I can't explain to you. It's an overwhelming, wonderful, feel good feeling. It's an outpouring of tears of joy rolling down your face. Ten years ago, I met my husband. Ten years ago, we struggled. Almost 4 years ago when I lost my job, we struggled. But God was faithful. I can say now, we don't struggle. God has truly blessed us in our life and in our careers. I am thankful and will never take anything for granted that we've been given. I can honestly say, at this moment, I'm so thankful and even excited to go to work now. It's different where I am now. Different in so many good ways. Just remember, God can turn around any situation. Romans 8:28 Never be afraid of change. God is in control. 

"Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her!" Luke 1:45

Head Games

Ever since I can remember, I never wanted anyone mad or upset with me. My Mom can tell you that I was never a hard kid to discipline because if I knew she was upset or disappointed in me, it tore my sole in half. So whatever I had done, chances are I never did it again. I couldn't handle the disappointment from my parents. Today, at the age of 41 and almost a half, I still feel the same way. So much so that I don't even want my worst enemy to be upset with me. There are some things inside my head right now that I just need to get out. Actually, a lot of it is in my heart too, which makes it harder. I can deal with head games easier than I can heart games. It's more personal once it gets in your heart. This might be a hard read for some. Normally my blogs are more upbeat. This one, not so much. I have an inner struggle right now that I can't say much about out in the open like this. It's an inner struggle that I can't even talk to many people about. It's an inner struggle that I chose. An inner struggle that God knew I could handle when He let me know it was in His plans for me. He never promised that it would be easy, He just promised that He and I together could handle it. What is this inner struggle? Motherhood. Wait... let me rephrase that... STEP Motherhood. 

-Step-Mom: A woman who is the wife or partner of one's father after the divorce of one's parents or the death of one's mother.

-Bonus-Mom: A female caregiver of a child who assumed the parental role through marriage to one of the child's biological parents. The second wife of a child's biological father.

-Mother: Bring up a child with care and affection; give birth to.

These definitions are hard to read for me. I get the "give birth to" part, but the rest is kinda just disrespectful. So since I didn't "give birth to" this child, I'm only "the wife of one's father after the divorce" or "caregiver of a child only by marriage"? See, I didn't give birth to any children, but I have two girls that I love just as much as if I did give birth to them, so these definitions are offensive. Society agrees with them though. Did you know that if my step-daughter wants to take her permit test, that I can't take her to get it? It has to be a legal parent. So basically, in the legal eyes, I'm just as good as a baby sitter to my step-kids. That's not only offensive and disrespectful, but it's very hurtful to think about. Most days, I can handle the way it makes me feel. But lately, it's been tough. I didn't realize how hard it was until this weekend. I always worry that maybe I am just "my husband's wife" and nothing more to them. It's just something I am working on getting rid of. It's the devil. And his head games. Or is it heart games? 

My husband gets his daughter every other weekend. This weekend she was here. This weekend was a great weekend. Until she left. It's that way every other weekend when she comes. But this weekend was a little different. After she left, I got my confirmation. She said something to me that I will never forget. Something that I needed to hear today more than she even could imagine. I've known her since she was 5 years old. She fell in love with me instantly and the feeling was mutual. All of these head/heart games I'm dealing with right now, they are all worth it. For her, everything is worth it. 

I've seen this meme that's been going around for a while now and I share it every time I see it. I shared it last night, and I just shared it again. This is what it says: "A good step-mom is not made-she is built. She is built by the hardships of her role, the tears she cries in secret, and by the lessons she learns through trial and error. The passionate step-mom lives in all of us. She makes mistakes. She has strong opinions she often can't express. She remains quiet when she wants to scream. She makes sacrifices others may not be capable of. She learns how to love in many different ways. And she gives. She gives her heart, her soul, and her life to making sure a child she didn't give birth to smiles, has wonderful memories, and - most importantly- feels loved." Perfect. All of it. Perfect words. 

Lauren Daigle is my girl. She is my absolute favorite. She speaks to me more than any other artist ever has. A song I needed today is called "I'm Yours". "Even the thunder and the wind obey, at the command of my Father, Father. I set my feet upon Your mighty Name. So let the rain fall harder, harder. So take my everything, my flesh and my blood. I lay me down at the alter, alter. I am forever covered in Your love, so let the rain fall. So let the waters rise, I will stand as the oceans roar. Let the earth shake beneath me. Let the mountains fall. You are God over the storm and I am Yours." My Father is always faithful. When the devil tries to strike up these head games, He always reminds me who is in control. And I'm always, always, always, reminded of my favorite Bible verse. Exodus 14:14 The Lord Himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.

I have songs for each one of my step-daughters. And I have decided to write separate blogs for those. My oldest step-daughter turns 25 this week. My youngest will be 15 in March. They are my entire heart and my whole world. It's a love I can't explain in words. But, I'm going to attempt to try in my next two blogs. It will be my "love story" with each of them. I'm excited to be back writing again. It helps. It's needed. I've been away too long. Meanwhile, I'll keep on this journey of MOTHERHOOD with my girls. No matter what the devil tries to make me feel, this girl ain't going anywhere!

"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.'" Proverbs 31:28-29

Band-Aids Don't Fix Bullet Holes

"And when God opens this next door, you're going to understand why the enemy fought you so hard." -Unknown

A few weeks ago, TobyMac's facebook page shared the above quote on one of their daily "Speak Life" posts, and it nearly knocked me to the ground. Do you ever feel like the devil is inside of you? Like he just entered your body and took over your mind and thoughts? That's what I was feeling on the day I received the above quote on my Facebook time line. There have been way too many times when I have felt like I'm constantly fighting the devil from something. It's easier than we think for us to allow him inside. Most of the time, for me, it happens without me even realizing it. Whenever it happens, I feel like a different person. Not myself at all. Angry and easily irritated. Talking about things that don't matter. But the biggest thing that the devil does to me, is what would hurt the most. Bringing up the past. It's not always my past mistakes either. Actually, it's rarely my past mistakes. This time, it was my past hurts. My past that I thought I had healed from and moved on from.

One of the toughest hurts in the world is a broken relationship. Now, when I say broken relationship, I know everyone automatically thinks of a romantic relationship. That's not the kind I'm speaking of right now. Any type of a relationship can become broken at any moment. We, as humans, have all different types of relationships in our lives. For example, I am a child of God. I am a wife. I am a step-mom. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a daughter-in-law. I am a sister-in-law. I am an aunt. I am a cousin. I am a co-worker. I am an employee. It seems like there is one I am missing..... oh yeah. I am a friend. While I know all of these things are true, when the devil gets in me, he makes me think that I don't live up to all of these wonderful titles.

I honestly believe that God puts certain people in our lives at the times that we need them. I also believe that God may have a plan for us to not always need them. I know because I have experienced it. Sadly, there are people who leave our lives for a reason. The last thing God wants us to do is run after them. Which brings me to another quote I came across on my Facebook time line.

"When God shows you it's time to let someone go and you refuse to, He will allow the person to hurt you to the point you have no choice but to let go." -Unknown

Which is exactly what happened to me. Which is exactly what the devil kept reminding me of over and over again the past few weeks. I have a few friendships that have ended horribly. One of them was a childhood friendship. The other.... the other one was the greatest friendship I ever had with someone other than my husband or my Mom. She was more like my sister than my best friend. There wasn't anything she didn't know about me. I don't want to dwell too deep into it, mainly because it still hurts to even think about it. My point I want to make with this is, there was a reason that God didn't want these friendships to continue for me. I may not know why, but I know that it was in His will for my life.

So... as I'm in the middle of the devil's scheming, I hear a song. I was on my way to work one morning and I heard a song I hadn't heard in a while. It was by Zach Williams and it's called "Under My Feet". Here are some of the lyrics.

"You might not recognize me now.
Those chains that once surrounded me are layin on the ground.
You can't keep digging up my past.
You may have had a laugh or two but you won't get the last.
You might not recognize me now.

If you want scars I'll show you scars.
All the wounds upon the hands of light that pierced in the dark.
If I were you I'd be afraid.
'Cause everything you meant for guilt the cross has met with grace.

Maybe I was blind but now I see, maybe I was bound but now I'm free,
Maybe you need remindin' you're under my feet.
Maybe you're a lie that I don't need, maybe you should listen when I speak,
Maybe you need remindin' you're under my feet.

I think it's time you meet my maker, I think it's time you meet my maker.
I think it's time that you remember, I think it's time that you remember.

And maybe this is where we say farewell, maybe you should get on back to hell,
Maybe you need remindin' you're under my feet."

As I was driving and singing this song with tears in my eyes, I suddenly realized what had happened. He had done it again. Satan, I mean. He knows exactly how to get us. That's why he is our number one enemy. He is our bad blood. The good news is, there is a blood that covers all of our sins. So much so that we don't need that bad blood to flow through our veins any longer.

One of the most misinterpreted bible verses ever has to be Matthew 5:38 which says: "You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury; 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.'"
Now, if we leave it at that, it tells us that if someone wrongs you, then you repay it with a wrong to them. How many times have you heard someone say, "Well the bible says an eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth."? This is one of those things that bothers me and makes me think that people actually think it's what it means. Or that's what they want it to mean. However, when you read verse 39 you realize that's actually NOT what it says, or what it means. It goes on to say, "But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also." In other words, it doesn't do us any good to hurt someone who has hurt us. We simply turn the other cheek to them, and let it go. Easier said than done, I know. From personal experience, I know.

So, how exactly is that accomplished? One word. Forgiveness. Nelson Mandela said, "When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive." We have to take the old saying to heart, What Would Jesus Do? I know that Jesus got mad. Jesus got hurt. Jesus was betrayed by people He thought were His friends. Jesus fought the Enemy. Correction. Jesus FIGHTS the Enemy on a daily basis. All we have to do is trust Him. Give Him your hurts. Your battles. No matter what you think you know, I can tell you this. My God will CRUSH Satan and keep him under your feet. At all times. Read that again for me. At ALL times.

"The God of Peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. May the grace of our Lord Jesus be with you." Romans 16:20

Coming Out of the Dark

"I find your lack of faith disturbing." ~Darth Vader

Star Wars: A New Hope
A title of a very famous movie that was released in 1977. This was 3 years before I was even born. As a matter of fact, the sequel to this movie was The Empire Strikes Back and it was released the year I was born. I believe it was the #1 movie the day I was born, which makes sense. I'm not going to focus too much on the movies themselves, as I am on the quote and the title of Episode IV. Just to sum it up, Princess Leia obtains the schematics of the Death Star, which is designed to destroy. She then is forced to hide the plans because she is captured by Darth Vader. She hides the plans in R2-D2 who flees in an escape pod to Tatooine. There he finds Luke Skywalker. Luke finds the hidden holographic recording of Leia and she asks for the help of Obi-Wan Kenobi. Luke knows a Kenobi, his uncle Ben. Finally Ben reveals to Luke that he used to be a Jedi Knight, until they were wiped out by the Galactic Empire. Ben tells Luke his father also fought alongside of him, until Darth Vader murdered him. He also gives Luke his fathers light saber. Luke sets off to find and eventually rescue Leia from the Galactic Empire. In her hidden message that was stored in R2-D2, she said "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."

What is your only hope? Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever taken the title of a movie and turned it into something deeper? That's exactly what I have done here. With the Corona Virus being the death star, The Devil being Darth Vader and Obi-Wan being Jesus. Now the end is in sight and the new hope is here. No matter how dark things can get, there is always a light waiting for us. There have been many dark times in my life. I can think of probably 10 just off the top of my head. But, as long as I kept one thing, I knew the light would return. That one thing? Hope.

There is a song by Michael W. Smith that has really brought me through some trying times. One of the hardest times of my life was dealing with my Dad's second stroke. This song brought me through it. A whole lot of tears have been shed while listening to this song and here are the lyrics.

"My hope has found it's resting place
And I'll search no more.
My hope has found it's resting place
And I'll search no more.
My hope has found it's anchor safe
And Your rock it holds.
My hope has found it's anchor safe
And Your rock it holds.
Even the darkness is light to You.
Even the darkness is light to You.
It's hard to believe it, but You say that it's true.
Even the darkness is light to You.
If I made my bed in the depths
If I rise on the wings of the morning.
Through the farthest horizon You're there.
You will find me, You will find me.
Even my darkness is light to You.
Even my darkness is light to You.
From the deepest of depths to the stars up above.
There is no way I could escape Your steadfast love.
It's hard to believe it but You say that it's true.
Even my darkness is light to You."

With all the darkness that has surrounded us all the past few months, I know we are all excited to see the light again. To be able to fully live again with our own free will. The thing about it is, God knew this was going to happen. Maybe God wants us to have more hope. More trust in Him. More love for Him. More.....time. More time for Him. More time for us. For each other. For family. I know that I have learned a few things during this time. First and foremost, I don't do well when I can't see Haylie. We went for 52 days without seeing her. Without touching her. Without hugging her. Without seeing her face. I still get emotional when I think about it. Last weekend, on May 8th, I saw her again. I touched her again. I hugged her again. For about 5 minutes straight I didn't let go of her. For whatever reason, God didn't make me a birth Mom. It's something that I haven't really ever understood. However, He did allow me to be a Bonus Mom. A Step-Mom. He gave me a Mother's heart. I love both of my girls just like they are my very own. My heart beats for them. On Saturday, we celebrated Mother's Day for me. We ate whatever I wanted and spent time together watching a show that Haylie and I both wanted to watch. The highlight of that day came in a spontaneous trip to Dunkin' Donuts. Our FAVORITE! Haylie and I got in the car and drove a half an hour away just to get a cup of coffee. It was the best hour of the whole weekend. Just talking to her and catching up. Listening to her favorite singer on the way home. My heart felt so full. And in that moment I knew that I never want to go 52 days without hugging her ever again.

"We shine like stars in a dark world." Philippians 2:15

Another thing I have learned about myself during all of this is that I seem to trust God more during trying times. I have honestly prayed more, read more, listened to more music and been way more in tune with my spiritual self through this whole thing. I keep trying my best to find the good in everything. Things have kind of all blended together so I can't remember exactly when it was, but our local hospital had a prayer night. They put it on facebook and said that anyone who wanted to come at a certain time to be there. Dustin and I went and it was one of the most amazing things I've ever been a part of. There wasn't an empty parking space at the hospital. They had a speaker set up playing worship music and the girl that headed it up said a few words and prayed. Turns out, she was a nurse from our local hospital. Everyone sat there somehow together. In unison. And we all wanted the same things. We sat in our cars and honked the horns instead of saying "amen" and had our flashers on to "praise and worship". It was an amazing experience and it's something I'll never forget. One last thing that I have learned about myself during this, Jeremy Camp's words and music has been a true God send through all this. One of his new songs, Out of My Hands, was the thing that kept me going when all I could think about was not seeing Haylie. Here are the lyrics.

"Everyday this never ending pressure
Tries to take it's claim over my heart.
I have tried to hold it all together
But time and time again I fall apart.
But that's where I find my life was never mine at all
You are the One inside, always in control.
Letting go of worries I can't messure
Holding on to truth that's healing me.
Knowing I can trust You is a treasure
With eyes wide open, now I finally see.
It's here that I find my life was never mine at all
You're still the One inside, always in control.
So when it feels like all of this pain is never gonna end.
Brought to my knees by all of these things I don't understand, don't understand.
I will let the weight of my fear fall like sand.
Out of my hands and into Yours, Out of my hands and into Yours.
Take this out of my hands, take this out of my hands.
There's nothing that You can't handle
God You are strong enough.
Only You can take this out of my hands.
You're greater than all my sorrows
Worthy of all my trust.
Thank you Lord, that this is out of my hands. Out of my hands."

Sometimes when I doubt God, I can hear Him say to me through His Darth Vader mask, "I find your lack of faith disturbing." There are many times when I do have a lack of faith. It's really easy to have doubt especially in trying times such as these. But, what we have to do is simply trust Him. He knew this was all going to happen before it ever came. Rest in knowing that. Rest in knowing that He was prepared for the Death Star to try and destroy His people. He also knew that all of his Prince and Princesses would find a way to conquer. Take up your "light saber" and follow Him no matter what darkness you go through. Use the "light saber" to light your way. In the end, as we all know, we will find and experience A New Hope.

Nahum 1:7
The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in Him.

Ma-ma-ma-my CORONA!

At the beginning of this year, I was brainstorming a new blog. The title was going to be: Coming Out of the Dark. I was going to talk about a new year, and how excited I was to see it arrive. I was going to talk about Star Wars: A New Hope and I even had the songs and Bible verses picked out. I never got around to writing it, and now this. I can still write the blog, however it won't have the same title, and it definitely won't be about how excited I am to be here in 2020. In fact, maybe I'll just save those words for a later time. A time when we will be ready to see a new hope come into our country.

I don't remember what day it actually was when I began to feel the panic along with everyone else. I remember on March 11th, I texted my husband to ask him about going to see a movie that I couldn't wait to see. The movie is called "I Still Believe" and it's based on the book by my favorite Christian artist, Jeremy Camp. It was being released on March 13th, however a theater in Lexington had it early. On Thursday March 12th, my husband and I drove to Lexington in the pouring rain to see this movie. I left the theater feeling refreshed. Feeling hopeful. Knowing God is always in control. We went from the theater into Meijer just to pick up a t-shirt that my husband had wanted. I remember thinking how crazy it was that everyone in Meijer had their buggy's as full as they would go. Toilet Paper, Paper Towels, massive amounts of water and two liter's of pop, frozen pizza and other frozen foods. I looked at them, and then I looked at us. Here we were standing in line to check out with only a t-shirt in our hands. It was then that I wondered if the world had just gone crazy.

The next day after work, my husband picked up Haylie in Crittenden as usual. We found out that her school had cancelled for the next three weeks, so we were keeping her a few days extra after the weekend. We had planned on celebrating Haylie's birthday over the weekend so we had been looking forward to it. On Saturday, we took her to eat at Olive Garden followed by Dunkin Donuts. Her choice. I remember how crazy it was to go to Olive Garden and go right in without a wait. I remember thinking that there weren't many people in there and the crowd at the mall looked to be down as well. It was our last meal we were able to eat in a restaurant. The next day, we went to my Mom's house to celebrate Haylie one more time. I remember us thinking about how much toilet paper we had left and when we would need to start searching for it. I remember us talking about how crazy everything was and did we really need to panic?

March 17th, 2020. The last day we saw Haylie. Had I fully known on this day what was coming, I would have played it out completely different. I got home from work, and was able to say bye to Haylie for about 15 minutes. I remember we talked about her taking some stuff from her room home to her mom's. Dustin left the decision up to me. I figure that she is at her Mom's a lot more than she is at our house, and if there is something that she wants to take from her room here to the one at her Mom's, then I'll almost always say yes. It's hers, and I'm sure she wants it to be where she can use it the most. I'm so thankful I made that decision. She hugged me tight and thanked me for letting her take it. When they were headed out the door, she turned around and came and hugged me again. That was the last time I saw her. That was the last time I hugged her. The last time I kissed her forehead. After she left, I went to the kitchen and noticed the fridge. She had spelled out my name on the front of the fridge with magnets. My heart melted and I smiled. Longing for the next weekend she would come over. However, that weekend never came.

That night, I heard a song. Brand new lyrics by none other than Jeremy Camp. He woke up that morning, wrote this song, then sang it to the world on Facebook live. It's called "Whatever May Come" and I have listened to it at least once a day ever since the day he sang it. Here are the lyrics:

"Whatever I face, Whatever the fear
Whatever the cost, You always draw near
Whatever the pain, Whatever may come
Whatever may fall, Your love overcomes
I will Call, I will call upon You
Whatever I face You are with me
I will fall, I will fall on my knees
For every heart break You will hold me
Every wall will break, All the darkness shake
All the joy will be renewed
So every knee let's bow, raise a victory shout
For the King will make things new
Every mountain moved, every lie be loosed
For Your banner we're lifting high
I will call, I will call upon You
Whatever I face You are with me
I will fall, I will fall on my knees
For every heart break, You will hold me"

Little did I know the impact this song would have on me over the following days. The words were exactly what I was needing to stay sane. To not join the panic. To not freak out and let fear set in. John 14:27 says: "Peace I leave with you. My Peace. Don't let your hearts be troubled, neither let it be fearful." Peace. What is peace anyway? Have we all forgotten what peace really means? It seems that the more I have the TV on, the more fearful I get. The media has a way of getting to you. No matter the situation, the media gets you right where they want you. Right now, the world is living in fear.

The next weekend we would have had Haylie would have been March 27th. However, all the parents agreed that it was best that we didn't transport her back and forth for her safety. Haylie has asthma, and none of us wanted to chance anything happening to her. I missed her, but I knew it was for the best.

Now, because of me going to see the movie, I Still Believe, right before everything got crazy, I was (and still am) only listening to Jeremy Camp's music. This has been my saving grace through this whole thing. I get songs stuck in my head all the time and one day as I was walking into work thinking about everything going on, these words rang in my head. The lyrics to "Same Power"...

"I can see waters raging at my feet
I can feel the breath of those surrounding me
I can hear the sound of nations rising up
we will not be overtaken we will not be overcome
I can walk down this dark and painful road
I can face every fear of the unknown
I can hear all God's children singing out
We will not be overtaken we will not be overcome
We have hope that His promises are true
In His strength there is nothing we can't do
Yes we know there are greater things in store
We will not be overtaken we will not be overcome"

But, the part that really got me.... This.

"The same power that rose Jesus from the grace
The same power that commands the dead to wake
Lives in us. Lives in us.
The same power that moves mountains when He speaks
The same power that can calm a raging sea
Lives in us. Lives in us.
Greater is He that is living in me
He's conquered our enemy
No power of darkness
No weapon prevails
We stand here in victory."

My thoughts? If the same power that moves mountains when He speaks lives in us, then what's to stop us from moving some mountains? What's to keep us from conquering this enemy that is trying it's best to destroy us right now? If we could all come together and proclaim that God is God and believe that He can move the mountains and that He will move the mountains, why wouldn't He? Inside me. He lives there. His power lives there. If we could just stop listening to the media for one minute, and come together as believers. Allow Him to move mountains. Allow Him to calm this raging sea. Like we KNOW that He can.

April 7, 2020. My Meltdown. At this point, it had been 21 days since I had seen, touched or hugged Haylie. It had been 23 days since I had seen, touched or hugged my Mom or Dad. And I just plain lost it. It was almost 10pm that night and I just couldn't do it anymore. I started screaming and crying. I couldn't stop the pain. I was so frustrated with the fact that my family had been following the orders from the governor and president, yet other people weren't. I couldn't wrap my head around what the difference was in seeing my family and going to work to see people I work with. I was wondering why this had to happen in the middle of Hannah and Nick trying to plan the greatest day of their lives. I was struggling big time. I kept wondering why we had to have a court order to cross state lines to see Haylie. I didn't sleep well that night, but I prayed a lot. I asked God to please make this be over so that I can hug my baby girl again. I would give anything to see her from across the room. Just to be in the same room with her. I would give anything to take this away so that she would be here with us. I would give anything for this to be over so that Hannah can plan what needs to be planned without any questions. My heart is just broken for these reasons. Reasons that I don't have any control over. I prayed for these reasons. My heart is always broken for the same reasons... other people. People that I love and would give my life for.

The next day when I got up, I was still pretty emotional. I saw that Jeremy Camp was hosting a night of prayer and worship on Facebook that night and I discussed watching it with my husband before I left for work. My Mom posted something on my wall on Facebook and it reminded me that I can't let the enemy win. It was from TobyMac's facebook page and it was meme that said: "today the devil whispered in my ear 'you are not strong enough to withstand the storm.' I whispered '6 feet back satan'." I got in my car to head to work and I turned on my JC (Jeremy Camp) playlist on my phone for the drive as I do every morning. It's amazing how God works. Here are the titles to the songs that played that day on my drive to work: 1. He Knows 2. Out of My Hands 3. The Answer 4. Same Power 5. Whatever May Come    God speaks to me most through music, and He knew exactly the words I needed to hear that day. That night, I came home and I listened to the prayer and worship with Jeremy and Adie Camp. My heart praised and worshiped the whole time. I had tears streaming down my face. All the while knowing that God is in control.

On my drive to work on Friday, which happened to be Good Friday, something hit me. The line in the song "Whatever May Come" that says "For the King will make things new". That's it. Isn't that what we all know? Isn't that what we all are longing for? In this time, are you growing? Are you allowing God to use you? Give God your whole heart and ask Him to use it. I truly believe that God will get all of us through this time. He will move mountains, he will calm the raging seas. Hasn't He proved that He can? He's already done these things before. My "go to" song has been "Do It Again" for some time now. It's a song for every season. You can listen when you are happy and praise Him. Or you can listen when you are sad or afraid and believe in Him. Here are some of the lyrics.

"I've seen You move, You move the mountains
And I believe I'll see You do it again.
You made a way when there was no way
And I believe I'll see You do it again.
You're promise still stands, Great is Your faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands, this is my confidence
You never failed me yet."

He will not fail us. He will protect us. He will make a way. He will move the mountains. TobyMac said, "In the darkest times of your life, your praise to God should be the loudest. Let the enemy know you're not afraid of the dark." Proclaim it right now, you are not afraid, because Your God is bigger than any virus anyone could come up with. He is bigger than anything you face. And He WILL make things new.

Revelation 21:4-5
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.

Oh Come Let Us Adore Him

"Maybe Christmas" he thought. "Doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas... Perhaps... Means a little bit more!" ~ Dr. Seuss

My very favorite time of the year is Thanksgiving Day through the end of the year. It's the best time of year because of the feeling I have in my heart. That... Christmas feeling. I long for it every day of the year and when it's finally here, I act like a kid again. I'm not sure where it comes from exactly, but I think I get it from my Mom. She's always loved Christmas. Mostly because she wanted it to be special for my brother and I. She made sure of that. And now, I do the same thing for my girls. And my Mom, being the very special Mom that she is, still makes sure that it's special for us.

There's just something about this time of year. We grow up hearing about this jolly, happy, soul, who delivers gifts to all the kids all over the world in one night. And if you are good, you get what you ask for. I know that Christmas has become more and more commercialized over the years, however I still love the idea of teaching our kids of this fictional character. Do we lie to our kids? Yes. Is it teaching our kids something other than the true meaning of Christmas? Yes. Wait... Or is it? As long as I can remember, I was in church. My Dad was a Pastor and I grew up in church my entire life. So, my parents taught me the true meaning of Christmas. They also taught me who Santa is. I wouldn't want it any other way. But what if we taught our children the true meaning of Christmas through Santa? What if God placed Santa in Christmas all those years ago to be a witness? After all, aren't we supposed to GIVE to others? Aren't we REWARDED for the good things we do on earth? Is it possible that Santa is really Jesus in disguise?

I remember when I was in my early 20's I was a youth leader at my church and I was over the Junior High kids. I remember at Christmas, God revealed something to me to share with those kids that I have thought of every single Christmas since then. When I was working on my lesson for my youth kids one night before Christmas, it hit me. Christmas is when we celebrate Jesus's birthday. Now, when it's my birthday, I get presents from those who love me. On Christmas, I get presents from those who love me, yet it's not my birthday, it's Jesus's birthday. Jesus loves us so much, that He wants us to receive gifts on His birthday. And He wants us to be reminded of the greatest gift of all. The day He died for our sins. So, my next thought process is this. What can WE do for Him on His birthday? It's simple. Just two little words is all we have to do. Adore Him.

So many Christmas songs have such heartfelt and deep lyrics. There are so many easy ways to give back to Jesus. Find a good Christmas song and sing the lyrics as loud as you can in your car. Sing the lyrics at church with a group. Go Christmas Caroling and share those lyrics with others. That's really all He wants from us. For us to Adore Him. I want to share the lyrics to a song that I shared with the youth after my lesson that night. It's called "I Won't Forget This Christmas" by Plus One.

"What if there was no manger. No wise men. No Savior.
Just another day in December.
I'd be hopeless, Oh, so hopeless.
But on that day with the angels watching, creation waiting.
You came as a baby.
Like an echo across the world, a cry was heard, and changed everything.
So I won't forget this Christmas, that I am nothing without You.
Oh, You are the star that guides my heart.
I won't forget this Christmas.
Should I get distracted, bring me back to what matters.
All the presents they, they will fade away.
You are forever. Oh, You're forever.
Nothing compares to the gift You gave, my life You saved.
And so I promise You.
I won't forget this Christmas, that I am nothing without You.
You are the star that guides my heart.
I won't forget this Christmas."

My favorite cartoon character is Linus Van Pelt from Peanuts. I especially love the Christmas episode. It will always be something I watch every year no matter what. I am sure most of you know what I'm referring to. A frustrated Charlie Brown asks if anyone can tell him the real meaning of Christmas. Linus, who is never seen without his blue blanket, steps up and tells the story found in Luke chapter 2.

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shown round about them; and they were afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not; for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men."

Now, everyone knows that Linus never lets go of his blanket. It's a security for him. However, when he steps up to read this story, he drops his blanket. He doesn't need his security anymore because He is speaking of his Savior. We all have those insecurities in life that make us hold on to things. But, we don't have to. That baby that was born that day, we belong to Him! That same baby who lived only 33 years on earth before dying for our sins, we belong to Him! And we should do nothing less but ADORE HIM every single day of our life. And to quote my little buddy Linus, "That's what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown."

 2019 was a hard year for me. But I'm still here, by nothing but the grace of God. I know why I'm still standing and I acknowledge it. I know that Christmas Feeling that I spoke of earlier can be there all the time. It's not about the gifts that are under the tree, it's about the ones who are around it. Make sure you remember that this Christmas and every day of the year. Christmas is about so much more than the commercialized side of it. So, this Christmas when you are buying gifts for the ones you love, ADORE HIM. While you wrap those gifts and put them under your tree, ADORE HIM. While you are in line at Wal-Mart, ADORE HIM. While you cook that wonderful meal for your family, ADORE HIM. While you are spending time with those you love this Christmas, ADORE HIM. Because it really is all because of HIM.

"Oh come let us adore him, Oh come let us adore him, Oh come let us adore him, Christ the Lord."

I'm a Survivor

"Just when we think we've figured things out, the universe throws us a curveball. So, we have to improvise. We find happiness in unexpected places. We find our way back to the things that matter the most. The universe is funny that way. Sometimes it just has a way of making sure we wind up exactly where we belong." Meredith Grey

I heard a song from my past the other day, and it brought back a lot of memories. It's one of those songs that make you feel better after you crank it up and sing it as loud as you can in your car on the way home from work. This song is an older song, so I've done this many times in my life. It's called "Survivor" and it's by a girl group called "Destiny's Child". You may have heard of them. If not, I know you've heard of the lead singer, Beyoncé. When this song first came out, I loved it for the beat and for this one line in it that still remains my favorite line in the song. I don't know if you have heard it or not, but if you haven't, and you feel like you need to scream about any situation that you have made it through, look it up.

The devil sure has a good way of bringing us down, doesn't he? I truly believe that he is the culprit of all things bad. Sometimes, it's hard to get rid of him once we've let him in. Once we've allowed him to come into our hearts and lives. Once we've listened to his lies about how awful our life is. I read a quote on Facebook the other day, and it reminded me of who is in control. No matter how much we let the devil into our hearts, there is only One who can defeat him. Here is the quote. "You are going to make it. You and your family will be just fine. Just stand and let God fight this battle." How comforting is it to know that God will take on all of our battles?

It's been a while since my last blog. And I feel it. By that, I mean, it helps me to write. It's the thing that helps me heal. But the thing is, I haven't been ready to truly heal until recently. Psalms 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Needless to say, I am the perfect example of a brokenhearted, crushed spirit. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but ever since I lost my job at the beginning of the year, that's pretty much how I've felt. And it wasn't until very recently that I have "felt" like starting the healing process. When I was a teen, my youth minister said something to me that I'll never forget. "It's not about the feelings anymore, it's about the facts." The fact is, If I hadn't let my feelings take me over, I would have healed a long time ago. Psalms 73:26 says "My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever." Even David was broken. More than once. So anytime I'm broken, I go to Psalms. It's the most comforting book in the Bible simply because David is brokenhearted and is seeking comfort from God, mostly through song. Which brings me to the song that brought me here. The song that pushed my heart into "unbrokenness" mode. It's called "Do It Again" by Elevation Worship. Here are the lyrics.

"Walking around these walls, I thought by now they'd fall.
But You have never failed me yet.
Waiting for change to come, knowing the battle's won.
For Your have never failed me yet.
Your promise still stands, great is Your faithfulness.
I'm still in Your hands, this is my confidence, You've never failed me yet.
I know the night won't last, Your word will come to pass.
My heart will sing Your praise again.
Jesus You're still enough, keep me within Your love.
My heart will sing Your praise again.
I've seen You move, You move the mountains.
And I believe You'll do it again.
You made a way, where there was no way.
And I believe I'll see You do it again."

Forgiveness is the solution to everything. Once you can make it to the spot where you can forgive someone who has wronged you, that's when you are a survivor. The "feeling" that forgiveness gives you is like no other. But do you know why? Because the "fact" is, we have been forgiven for so much more. So why is it so hard for us to forgive? Especially when we know it's the right thing to do. Especially when we do, everything else seems to fall into place. I have a forgiveness story that brought me to this very moment. However, it's pretty personal, so I don't want to share it on here. I never dreamed that a simple story of forgiveness would bring me to a much deeper place where forgiveness is needed in my heart. I'm still working on that forgiveness, and in the process of forgiving, the healing will come. There is a wonderful quote by Mother Theresa that I try to live my life by. I have read it too many times to count. Here is what it says:

"People are often unreasonable and self centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

As for the line in the song "Survivor" that has always been my favorite? Well, it's simple. "I'm wishing you the best, pray that you are blessed. Bring much success, no stress and lots of happiness. You know I'm not gonna diss you on the internet, 'cause my Mama taught me better than that." God has never failed me yet. And I do believe He will continue to move mountains. He's always faithful. So, if we can just move forward and not look back. If we can take the curveball and hit it out of the park. If we can focus on the things that matter the most. If we can let go and let God. That's when we truly become a survivor.

"Love is the only thing that matters." ~Jack Pearson (This Is Us)

The Right Kind of Love

"Storms make trees take deeper roots." -Dolly Parton

January 9, 2019
The date of my interview in Frankfort at the Circuit Clerk's Office

January 30, 2019
The date of my last entry.

January 31, 2019
The date I received a phone call and set up an interview at the School.

February 4, 2019
The date of my interview at the School.

February 5, 2019
The date everything changed.

I remember getting the phone call. It was  a girl named Whitney, and she wanted to set up an interview with me at the Franklin County Circuit Clerk's Office. We set it up for January 9th at 1:30 pm. That date was going to be my second day without a job. I remember it was a cold day out and I had a horrible cough starting. I prayed hard about this job. I wasn't sure if it was the right one for me, I just knew that it would be familiar to me. It would be something I was used to. I prayed so hard because I didn't know if God wanted me to be in the same type of environment I had been in for the past 16 years. With the experience I had, I figured if I didn't get it, I wouldn't pursue anything like it again. I went to the interview and I had made a special playlist to listen to on the way. I felt good going into it. I was there for about 30 minutes and I thought it went well. However, I kept second guessing why I didn't mention this or that. I kept thinking "I should have said this for that question". They told me before I left that they would make a decision by the end of the next week. The whole next week came and went and I didn't hear a thing. I was upset. I was depressed. But I knew God was in control so I tried not to panic. About a week and a half later, I received a letter in the mail telling me that I didn't get the job. So, I moved on in my job search. Away from the court of justice.

The very next day, I received a phone call from Scott County Schools to set up an interview. I was really excited about this one. They set the interview up for February 4th at 11:40am. Again, I did the same routine. I prayed really hard and listened to a whole lot of music. I even had Dustin "fake interview" me the say before so I would be prepared to talk good about myself. I went to the interview and I presented the best version of me I ever have. Again, the interview lasted about 30 minutes and I left feeling really good about it. Again, she told me she would know by the end of the week. I felt really positive the whole time about this one. I kept thinking this was it. This was the one God wanted for me. I just knew it.

Fast forward literally 24 hours. I get a phone call. It was Franklin County Circuit Clerk, Amy Feldman. She was calling to..... what? Offer me a job? I was stunned by her phone call. So stunned that I can't even remember what exactly I said to her. So stunned that I decided to send her an email almost immediately after I talked to her. She told me that she had another opening and that she would let me know for sure once the position was approved if I was interested. The next 24 hours were dedicated to nothing but prayer and meditation for me. I didn't know when she would contact me, but I knew I needed to be ready. I also knew that I had another interview the next day so I had to be prepared for that as well. That next morning, I woke up and started to get ready for my interview. I got on my phone before getting in the shower, and I checked my email. Sure enough, there was an email to me from Amy. She was telling me that she had the position approved and gave me an amount of money that I would make. I started to freak out a little. I had an interview in less than two hours and I had this decision to make. Do I still go to the interview? Should I wait to hear from the school? Do I accept the position in Frankfort? I was so torn. I had no idea what to do.

I always listen to music when I'm in the shower, so I turned it on shuffle. I have a Jeremy Camp play list, so his was the one I picked. As I hit the shuffle button, I said out loud right before I stepped into the shower, "Come on Jeremy. Sing a song that's gonna speak to me." The first song that played was "I Know You're Calling" and here are some of the words:

"A broken image is sometimes what I see, but the hand that made me is the hand that won't leave me. You've begun a good work that only has begun, and You always lead me, lead me to Your Son. What I want to know everything You are. What I want to see Your will for me and I know You'll show me. Another day I can spend with You, You turn the pages telling me what to do. And when I feel like I want to fall again, You always lead me well You lead me to Your hand. And I know You're calling, I see Your arms stretched wide. And I feel You drawing, drawing me back again."

True story. If that wasn't my answer, I don't know how else He could've spelled it out to me. I got out of the shower and I responded to Amy's email and accepted the position. She responded and asked me to start on February 18, 2019. I was only without a job for about a month and a half. God was so good to me. Ironically enough, I went to see Jeremy Camp in concert the weekend after I got the job. I ended up meeting him afterwards. Another one of those God moments in my life. I got to meet my favorite male singer who's song played such a big part in me finding my place in life again. The quieter you become, the more you can hear. God wants nothing more than for us to seek Him and hear His voice. To find in Him that perfect love we all are longing for.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, I was given the opportunity to become a back up leader in our small group. So whenever the leader is gone, I lead the bible study that we do. I've been able to do that three times now, and I am really blessed by it. I've been able to tell stories and share God moments with people that I love. One of the things I usually focus on is being upset with God that my Dad had a stroke. Last week, Luke Perry passed away from a massive stroke. It wasn't until Luke died from a stroke that I finally came to full peace with God about my Dad having a stroke. God used something that He knew I would be effected by, to show me that He loves me perfectly and would never do anything to make me question Him. It took Luke Perry dying of a stroke, for God to get through to me that He didn't allow my dad to have a stroke, He protected Him from dying of one. That really made me start thinking of all the blessings in my life. I've been more thankful the past week. I've been more thankful in my prayers.

Monday night I went with my mom to see our favorite band, NEEDTOBREATHE. The lead singer told the story about when he wrote the song "Wasteland". He said that he wrote it and wasn't too sure about it. He played it for his brother and his brother put in some more words to make the song whole. Then he said "You know, you think you know what a song is about until people start telling you stories about how the song has touched them. Once you start talking to those people, that's when you realize, it wasn't you who wrote the song." Here are some of the lyrics.

"I'm the first one in line to die when the cavalry comes. Yeah it feels like the great divide has already come. Yeah I'm wasting my way through days, losing youth along the way. Oh, if God is on my side, who can be against me? There was a greatness I felt for a while, and somehow it changed. Some kind of blindness I use to protect me from all of my stains. Yeah I wish this was vertigo, it just feels like I'm falling slow. Oh, if God is on my side, who can be against me? All of these people I meet, it seems like they're fine. Yeah in some ways I hope that they're not, and their hearts are like mine. Yeah, it's wrong when it seems like work. To belong, all I feel is hurt. Oh, if God is on my side, who can be against me? Yeah, in this wasteland where I'm livin', there is a crack in the door filled with light. And it's all that I need to get by. Yeah, in this wasteland where I'm livin', there is a crack in the door filled with light, and it's all that I need to shine."

What is light to you? What's that thing that allows you to see? For me, it's easy. God's love. There is no other kind of love in life that's like His. In honor of Luke Perry, I'll use a 90210 reference to describe it. It's the right kind of love. No more, no less. Can you get to that point where His love is all you need? Can you get to the point where His love is what keeps you going? Can you get to that point where His love is your light? John 1:5 says, "The light shines in the darkness, and he darkness has not overcome it." Can you get to the point where YOU are the light? Can you get to the point where YOU can hear HIS voice? Get there. It's an amazing place to be.

"Your voice is all I'm craving." -Jeremy Camp

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

"Sometimes it's that complete surrender, where we see that miracles happen." ~Chrissy Metz

Patience. It's a virtue. Or, so they say anyway. I'm not sure about you, but whenever I have to wait for something, I'm not very patient. If I'm at the Doctor's office, I sit there thinking "I was here on time, why haven't they called me yet?" Or if I'm at a busy restaurant, I look around thinking "Wasn't I here before them?". The thing about a restaurant is, usually you have to wait for a table, then you have to wait to order, then you have to wait for your food to come. This can make me very impatient at times if I'm very hungry. But all that stuff, is just that. Stuff. It doesn't amount to anything. Eventually you get in to see the doctor, and eventually you get to eat your food and you leave the restaurant feeling like you wished you hadn't ate so much. Real patience, that's the true test of life.

Last week, as I was sitting at home applying for jobs online non stop, I started to get anxious. I began to start my negative thinking. "What if I never get another job?" "What if the job I get is not what I want?" "What if I can't provide for my family as I have in the past?". Then, I glanced over on my living room table and looked at something that  has sat on the same living room table for about 10 plus years. When Hallmark was still around, I used to go there often. To say that I love Linus from Peanuts is a complete understatement. He is my all time favorite cartoon character and anytime he is on anything, I feel like I have to have it. No questions asked. Hallmark used to carry a bunch of the Peanuts trinkets, and I have most all of the Linus ones. I can't remember who gave me this particular one, but it's a washing machine and Snoopy is on top of the washer, and Linus is washing his blanket while sitting in front of the washer. The caption is simple. "The best things in life are worth waiting for." When I glanced over and read that, it hit me. Patience. I have to wait for the right thing to come along before I'll get the job. A day or so later, a friend of mine tagged me in a video of Tim Tebow on Facebook.

In the video Tim said, "I think that we all go through seasons in our lives and I just want to encourage you that the season isn't meaningless and it's not wasted, that there's a purpose and a plan for it. Doesn't mean that it's a fun season, 'cause we all go through tough seasons, but that God has a plan in that. And it might not be a season of reaping but it might be the season of sowing. And sowing in your heart so that one day you're ready for that season of reaping. And you're ready when God opens those doors for you, and He's doing something in your life that He's just saying, 'You know what? Just trust me because I'm preparing you for something awesome" I know that God used my friend to send that to me, and I know that God used Tim Tebow to speak to me because at that very moment, I wouldn't have listened to just anybody. It HAD to be Tim Tebow.

A few days after that  I was talking to my husband about my job search. He sort of got a little frustrated with me and he said something that shut me up. He said, "Natasha, you're NOT leaving it in God's hands." He was right. The reason that I shut up, is because it was my husband who said it. About 6 and a half years ago, I met my husband, and it's been the best years of my life. Regardless of anything life has brought us, I wouldn't trade my years with him for anything in the world. Before I met my husband, I thought that God intended for me to be alone. I was that girl who always watched the Nicholas Sparks love story wishing God would send me my very own Noah Calhoun (The Notebook). The last relationship I had prior to meeting my husband, was in 1999. I was 19 years old and I met my husband when I was 32. That's the prime years of falling in love and starting your own family. I tell you this because I was reminded of those years as soon as my husband said to me, "You're NOT leaving it in God's hands." I had all but given up on God sending me "the right one" to love me for the rest of my life. Then, God gave me the best man he ever created to love me. For the rest of my life. He sent me the epitome of Noah Calhoun. I waited a lot of years, but I would wait that many more if I knew I was getting him. So, what does this tell me? My husband was right. Just like the feeling I had that God had no man for me, I realized I had the same feeling about a job.

Fast forward a few more days.... I hear a song. A song I haven't heard in a while. A song by one of my favorites, Jeremy Camp.

"Lord help me now to face this battle
My strength has failed and my eyes can't see
Through the waves of doubt that take me under
In the chaos I hear You speak
You brought me rest in times of struggle
I lay my head down at Your feet
The storm in me that I can't wrestle
Is calmed when I hear You speak
Be still and know that You are my God
Be still and know that You are enough
Though my heart is racing still You're in control
Be still and know that You are my God"

Just as the great Psalmist David said in Psalms 31:14 "But I am trusting You, O Lord, saying "You are my God" I also came across this Psalm in the same day as I heard the song. Now, you try to convince me that God wasn't behind any of this. Patience. Be Still. It seems pretty simple. Today, I received a message from my Mom and it said "When it's not in God's time, you can't force it. When it is in God's time, you can't stop it." Read that again. I've read it about a thousand times since I got it. We all know that once we give God all control, that things fall into place. I know that God has the right job out there for me. One less stressful and one that I will enjoy. Possibly one that I can use towards His glory more than my previous job. I used to say how I just wanted to be able to say, "I love my job!" Maybe the next one, I will truly love with my whole heart. And I know God will give me that perfect job for me. Just like He gave me the Noah Calhoun I always wished for. God is good. Even in the waiting. Everything comes in His perfect time.

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2

It isn't in my blood

"I've got a theory that if you give 100% of the time, somehow things will work out in the end." ~Larry Bird

Have you ever just felt like giving up? I know that's kind of what they call a "stupid question". Everyone has felt that way at some point in their life. The sad thing is, some people feel that way more than others do. Some people just don't have a strong mind. A strong personality. A strong heart. I, Natasha Downs, am one of those people. Sometimes I think that I have such a big heart for others, that when it comes to taking care of myself, I just don't have it in me. I know that having a big heart for others is not a bad thing. Jesus had the biggest heart in the world for others. I just feel at times, that having a big heart for others makes it tough when I need to have a strong heart for myself. All that being said, I can honestly say, I have never once actually given up. No matter how much I've felt like it. As my youth minister told me, "It's not about the feelings anymore Natasha. It's about the facts." The inspiration for the title of this blog came to me a few weeks ago. My niece is a huge Shawn Mendes fan and I was looking him up to make sure she had my approval. After reading the lyrics to a song that he wrote, let's just say I approve 100%. God speaks to me through lyrics every single day. Sometimes, it's not a Christian song.  Here are some of the lyrics to In My Blood by Shawn Mendes.

"Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't.
It isn't in my blood.
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing.
I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something.
Keep telling me that it gets better, does it ever?
I'm looking through my phone again, feeling anxious.
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this.
I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh
is there somebody who could
Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't.
It isn't in my blood."

These particular words in this song really spoke to me. Why? Because it was exactly how I have been feeling over the past few months. There have been feelings of anxiety. Feelings of insecurity. Overwhelming feelings. There were times that I would ask Dustin if he was going to be home during lunch or even after work on time simply because I didn't want to be by myself. It felt like the whole world was saying to me, "It gets better.", not in so many words. Losing my job has really taken a toll on my heart. To say my heart is broken, is an understatement. However, my God is a God who heals. My God is the "somebody who could help me..." in this song. My God is the One who allowed me not to give up. This time, or any other time I have felt like it. How does He do that? One simple word. Faith. You've heard it said that faith can move mountains. Let me tell you something, it can. My faith has been stronger lately. Why? The heartbreak. The unknown. The uncertainty.

"You call me out upon the waters.
The great unknown, where feet may fail.
And there I find You in the mystery.
In oceans deep, my faith will stand.
And I will call upon Your name.
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace.
For I am Yours and You are mine.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters.
Your sovereign hand, will be my guide.
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me.
You've never failed and You won't start now.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders.
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,
and my faith will be made stronger,
in the presence of my Savior.
I will call upon Your name.
Keep my eyes above the waves.
My soul will rest in Your embrace.
I am Yours and You are mine."

Some of the purest, most peaceful, lyrics I've ever heard in a song. This song has been my go to for the past week. It has the reminder of faith. Trust. Hope. Love. "But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13 No matter what comes my way, I know that God has got me. I know that He has a plan. And as I'm finally able to start the healing process, I couldn't be more thankful for the waves he wants me to ride. For it does one thing, makes my faith stronger. God has always been faithful. He's always been there. Always been my constant. There was another song that God spoke to me through about a week ago. It's what I like to call, a "conversation with God" song. It's by TobyMac. I'll write the lyrics in a way you can understand easily.

Me: Another heartbreak day. Feels like You're miles away.
Don't even need no shade, when your sun don't shine, shine.
Too many passin' dreams. Roll by like limousines.
It's hard to keep believin', when they pass you by and by.

God: I know your heart been broke again. I know your prayers ain't been answered yet.
I know you're feeling like you got nothing left, well lift your head, it ain't over yet, ain't over yet.
Move, keep walkin', soldier keep movin' on. Move, keep walkin' until the mornin' comes.
Move, keep walkin', soldier keep movin' on, and lift your head. It ain't over yet, ain't over yet.

I've had this conversation with God about a million and one times in my life. More so recently. I can't remember a time when I've felt this down. This angry. This heartbroken. This betrayed. However, as all of these songs have reminded me, God is on my side. No matter the mountain, God can move it. Which is why He wants me to keep movin' on. He has a reason for my heartbreak, and He will be there with me through the healing. I truly believe God made my heart into a giving heart. He gave it to me and told me to use it in every way possible. I feel like I have always done that. I always put others above myself. I always use my heart to show love to others, even the ones who are hard to love. I've used my heart through the words of all of my blogs, in hopes that it will reach someone. I give and give and give because it's in my nature. It's my gift. And no matter how much my heart gets broken in this life, I know that it will continue to give. Just like Larry Bird said, "if you give 100%, somehow things will work out in the end." God takes care of His faithful children. I plan to be God's girl until the day I stop breathing. I will continue to move on. I will continue to be amazed by Him and His unfailing love. I will continue to praise His name no matter how big the waves are He wants me to go through.  Just like Seventh Day Slumber reminds us, He makes oceans from the rain.

"And I'm amazed by You. Cause You're never far away.
And all that I've been through, Your love has never changed.
And nothing I've acquired means anything at all.
Cause you're everything I needed. You're so much more than I deserve.
You make oceans from the rain. Breathing life into this place.
And I will drown inside your love. Until I see your perfect face."

Tomorrow, I have a very important job interview. I am praying that it's the one God wants me to have. If not, I know He still has bigger and better things out there for me. I'm tired of being sad, and I'm ready to be hopeful. I'm ready for my faith to be put to the strongest test of it's life. I'm ready to be the strong hearted Christian that God made me. No more negativity. Tonight, I was reading in our book for our small group bible study. I came across a passage that really spoke to me, and I'm going to leave you with that, and a quote from Dabo Swinney, who just won the NCAA football championship last night. "To God be the Glory!"

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don't let my enemies gloat, saying, "We have defeated him!" Don't let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He is good to me. Psalms 13:1-6