'Cause darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

"What comes to our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us." A.W. Tozer

Have you ever heard a certain song and it takes you back to a certain time in your life? Or maybe back to a certain person? I can hear certain songs that make me think of certain people in my life, past or present. I'm sure I could give an answer for the question: What do you think of when you think of me? As long as I know the person, or know of the person, I could give you an answer. It really makes me wonder, what do people think of when they think of me? My whole life, I've been a lot of things. But one thing that will never change, I was, I am, and I always will be a preacher's kid.

Being a PK comes with a lot of stress. I remember being a young kid, sleeping with my mom in her big girl bed, wondering what my Dad was doing. My Dad was at school learning how to be a preacher. That was all I knew. I remember one night, my Mom told me, "If anything ever happens to me, you make sure all of my dolls are taken care of." She used to collect porcelain dolls. I remember how empty that statement made me feel. I remember thinking, "What if something happens to my mom and my dad doesn't make it home?" Of course, none of that happened. My Dad graduated, came home forever, and my Mom got rid of all of her dolls she once held so dear.

I've always looked up to my Dad. Not only is he the best Dad ever, but he is also an admirable man who sacrificed to be able to spread the word of God to others. Because of that, my adult life as a Christian has been trying at times. I have always tried my best to do the right thing. Because it was what I was taught. It was what I was shown. It was what I believed. Sometimes in doing that, I got hurt. I got scarred. I have wounds that took years to heal. It's really hard for me sometimes to go to a church where my Dad isn't the preacher. That has been a struggle for me that no one has known about for years. Andy Stanley said, "If you're a preacher's kid, you see the church differently." Truer words have never been spoken. I find myself being really skeptical of certain things at a church. It took years for me to even wear jeans to a church service. I actually quit going to a church one time because the Preacher wore jeans to preach in every Sunday morning. Little things like that bother me. Why? Simply because I never saw my Dad preach in jeans.

I know that I am hard to love. Hence the title of this blog. One reason being because I am a Preacher's kid. I'm far from perfect. I'm very hard to deal with, especially in the mornings. If something upsets me, I'm completely done for a day or so. I'm horrible about letting one small thing ruin my whole day. I think it comes from me feeling like I don't measure up. I feel like God expects more out of me because I am a Preacher's kid. I don't feel worthy of God's love. It's hard for me to accept the fact that He loves me and that nothing I can do will ever take that love away. Just recently, I have been thinking about our church. My husband started helping with the youth and at first it was hard for him to do it without me. I tried to explain to him that we aren't all called to do the same things. I tried to show him that I have already done that in the past and I felt like God was done with me in that area. Within that struggle, it really made me think. It made my heart do some real soul searching. I began to wonder, "What good can I do for the church?" The more I thought about that, the more I missed the way I grew up.

One night I saw a post on Facebook. It was some friends of mine who had been at church for a birthday party for their son. All of their church friends were sitting around enjoying this party with food, fun, fellowship, and of course, cake. I said out loud, "I miss the Wednesday night Spaghetti dinners." My husband said, "What do you mean?" and I said, "Sometimes I miss being in a small church where everybody knew me." See, I went from being the Preacher's Kid for a lot of years to being just Natasha. Or even more so, Dustin's wife. I have really struggled with fitting in at our church and so it made my struggle for looking for my place in the church even harder. I was really having a hard time with it. The next morning after the Facebook post, I heard a song on my way to work. It was the first time I had heard it, and it completely changed my heart. Just like that, I didn't have to struggle anymore. The song is called "Real Love" by Blanca.

This isn't easy, For me to admit.
I got a fire inside and some words I know I can't keep in.
I see faith turning, Into a show,
Of Sundays and sermons, And words getting caught in the flow.

Oh, but we got real pain and real fears,
Thirsting for the drying of our real tears.
It's not satisfying anymore,
Ain't it true that the veil was torn?

I don't need no stained glass, To be washed in his blood.
I don't need no perfect, put together pretty words, To be enough, no.
I want Jesus and his real love, Something that I crave deep inside of my bones,
So you can leave your religion at home.

Spent my life trying, To keep all the rules.
Now I know it's about what he's already done,
Not about what I think that I gotta do.

After I heard this song, it was like I heard God tell me, "I don't always use people in the church. Each person has their own gift and their own talents. I don't want you to serve in the church just to fit in. I want you to serve for Me." It was so clear to me at that very moment that my struggle was over. There was no need for there to be a struggle in the first place. I know that God has blessed me with the talent of writing. That's the one and only reason I write this blog. I have no idea if it reaches anyone or not, but I know that I'm supposed to be doing it. It doesn't matter how many views it gets, because I know that God is using my ability to write words to reach the world in some way. Recently, I got a new camera. I've always loved photography since I was a kid. The reason I love it so much, is that I've always felt like I'm capturing God's beauty. I want to use it as a ministry for others. I want them to see God's beauty through my eyes. Both of these talents are ones that I love and ones I know God wants me to put to good use. I also know that my Dad is proud of me, and to a Preacher's Kid, that's more important than you realize.

As the song lyrics from above continue, "I want Jesus and His real love, Something that I crave deep inside of my bones. I want real, real love, I want real, real love, I want real, real love." When I think of me, the best way I can describe myself is with the words of Taylor Swift: Darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream. But when God thinks of me, He thinks of His child that He loves with all that He has. And nothing I can ever do will make Him love me more, or less. So, I leave you with the thought, "What do you think of when you think of God?" My answer? Easy. Real Love.

"(Real) Love is patient, (Real) love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (Real) Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (Real) Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Walking on Water...

"The only one who can truly satisfy the human heart is the One who made it." -Unknown

Have you ever been afraid? I know, that's sort of a silly question. How about this one? What's your biggest fear? That may be a little easier to answer. For me, it's simple. Those evil black things that fly at night because they are nocturnal. Yes, that's correct. BATS! I can't stand to even think about them. Whenever my family and I go to the zoo, I don't even go into where the bats are. It's not even funny to joke with me about them. I feel like I could go into cardiac arrest if I saw one flying towards me. I've had dreams before where I'm running from them. A lot of people think that one should face their fears. While I tend to agree, it's only to a certain extent. For example, if someone told me I should face my fear of bats by going into that closed in cave thing they live in at the zoo, I would probably pass out. A lot of people are scared of heights, or flying. Which to me seem easier to overcome. But to someone who is afraid of those things, they feel the same way I do about bats.

So, back to my original question. Have you ever been afraid? Have you ever been afraid for your life? Or someone else's life? When I first became a Christian, I had no fear. I was only 13 years old and I remember feeling like I could conquer the world. Now that I'm a lot older, I wonder where that childlike faith went to. How did I lose it? What happened to make me question God? What happened to make me so afraid to live? Last week, my family and I had a horrible scare. My big brother, who is only 44 years old, suffered a heart attack. Luckily, it happened when he was with my parents, only 5 minutes away from St. Joseph Hospital in Lexington. They were able to put a balloon in and fix his heart, however the scare came when they tried to remove the tube from his leg. The story was, he had a hole in his artery, so when they pulled the tube out, blood went everywhere. He could have bled out. We are all so thankful to the nurse who put pressure on his leg for 4 hours straight, essentially saving his life. He ended up having a surgery to remove a football size hematoma, and he came through that okay as well.

I'll never forget how scared I was when my phone rang at 5:15 AM on the morning of August the 8th. With my mom on the other end crying, I knew I had to be strong. She needed me. My brother needed me. But, me? I needed God. So, I got in my car, and I turned on the radio and I listened to my Christian music loudly all the way to the hospital. I cried. I prayed. And by the time I got there, my fear had subsided. It was taken over by my faith. When I was about 21 years old, I did a study on Peter. I also spoke on Peter to the church I was attending at the time. Peter is one of my favorites. To me, he seems a lot like us. Or, like me, at least. He's not too ashamed to admit he has doubts and fears. My favorite story of Peter is when Jesus told him to walk to Him on the water.

Matthew 14:24-31
"Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o'clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, 'It's a ghost!' But Jesus spoke to them at once. 'Don't be afraid,' he said. 'Take courage. I am here!' Then Peter called to him, 'Lord, if it's really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.' 'Yes, come,' Jesus said. So Peter went over to the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. 'Save me, Lord!' he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. 'You have so little faith,' Jesus said. 'Why did you doubt me?'"

It's so easy to trust Him when He's near you. But, somehow, whenever the waves start to crash in our lives, we tend to push Him away. We lose faith. And it seems to come so easily. It's so crazy that no matter what we go through, and no matter how far we push Him away, He's always there ready to take us back. Even when we think He's silent, He's there. It's been a tough week for my family. But I know that God is with us. He has always been with us. He will always be with us. I heard a song today for the first time. And as I listened to the words, I realized just how much I still need God. It's called "Walking On Water" by Needtobreathe and here are the lyrics.

"The wind is strong, the water is deep,
My heart is heavy and my mind won't sleep.
Oh can you heal, my fear it breathes,
I need to know if You're the shadow I can see.
I wanna run to You when the waves break through.
I wanna run to You and not turn back.
There's no turning back,
Nothing in the past.
My eyes on You again,
Can't see nothing at all,
But Your outstretched arms.
Help me believe it.
Though I falter,
You got me walking on water.
The ocean's singing, the song of grace,
But if I'm honest with myself, I am still afraid.
I wanna run to You when the waves break through.
I'm gonna run to You and not turn back.
I was sinking like a stone again,

I was halfway in the grave and then,
I looked up and saw Your face again.
You pulled me out of the water, water, water.
Though I falter,
You got me walking on water, water, water."

I would give anything to have been on that boat. To witness Jesus asking someone to have nothing but faith in Him. To see Peter go from being so afraid to becoming so calm. Put yourself in that boat right now. And ask yourself a few questions. If you were Peter, would you do it? If Jesus told you to keep your eyes only on Him, and you could walk on the water, would you do it? Is your faith that strong? Do you trust Him that much?

"You're not alone tonight. Put it down. The worries, the stress, the anxiety, whatever keeps you up at night. Give it to Me and I will take care of it because I love you. You are mine!" -God

                    

  

       

Blame It On The Rain...

Rain sort of gets a bad reputation. Everyone hates the rain. Well, almost everyone. It seems like rain sort of dictates our days and our plans. We plan vacations each year, only to have it rain every single day we are gone. People plan outdoor weddings all the time and hold out hope that the rain will hold off. We go out for a family pool day with the sun shining and have to leave early because it started raining. We go to baseball games and wait for them to call it because of the rain. Or, it could just be on a rain delay. No matter the reason, most of the time we tend to get mad at the rain. At least 9 times out of 10 anyway. I really hate to drive in the rain, but especially when it's dark outside. It's the most frustrating thing in the world. It seems to make seeing nearly impossible for me. Especially if it's storming outside.

But, what if the storm is on the inside? It feels like you can't move. It feels like you can't hear anything but the collapse of thunder in your heart. It feels like you can't see anything other than the lightening that's tearing your world apart. It makes driving through a storm seem simple. If you are anything like me, you are hard on yourself. Why is it that we always beat ourselves up more than we do anyone else? Why is it harder to forgive ourselves than our worst enemy? The fact of the matter is, we all make mistakes. However, it's really hard for me to get over a mistake I make. I try really hard not to make mistakes. I always seem to learn from my mistakes and even from other people's mistakes. It's a big deal to me to live my life in a way that seems perfect to God. And when I do make a mistake, I simply fall apart. I blame myself for a really long time before I move past it. I usually don't talk about it to anyone. Even God. Which is the worst thing in the world you could do.

On July 29th, I will have been at my job for 15 years. I can't believe it's been that long. I still learn new things every day. I feel like I know my job really well. I feel confident when a co-worker or a customer asks me a question, because I feel like I will know the answer. About a month ago, I made a pretty big mistake at work. I'm still paying for it in my heart. I think about it every single day. It doesn't matter how many times I have heard someone say, "It wasn't your fault.", I still feel like it was. I was the reason our office was humiliated. And until I am able to let it go, I will feel that way. Until the storm is over in my heart, I will suffer. Last week I heard a song that I consider one of my top 5 "go to songs". What is a "go to song"? It's one of those songs that you always go to whenever you need to hear from God. This song is called, "Oceans From the Rain" by Seventh Day Slumber. The lyrics are pretty simple.

"And I’m amazed by You. Cause You’re never far away.
And all that I’ve been through, Your love has never changed.
You make oceans from the rain, Breathing life into this place.
And I will drown inside your love, Until I see your perfect face.
And nothing I’ve acquired means anything at all. Cause you’re everything I needed.
You’re so much more than I deserve.
And I thank you Lord.
The blood of Jesus can wash your pain away."

After reading these lyrics, I can't help but wonder why everyone hates rain so much. Rain can wash things away. Rain will cleanse you. Rain keeps the flowers and crops growing. God created the rain for these things. Isaiah 45:8 says, "Rain down, you heavens, from above. And let the skies pour down righteousness; Let the earth open, let them bring forth salvation, And let righteousness spring up together. I, the Lord, have created it." No matter what we do, we are cleansed and our sins are washed away. Going through the rain and the storm does that for us. So, is it good for us to make mistakes that cause us to go through some sort of inner storm? Yes. Why? Because our Father makes oceans from the rain. But how do we learn to let Jesus wash our pain away quicker? How do we heal faster?

Last week I was on facebook and I saw a post from Toby Mac that said, "I am built from every mistake I ever made." It really got me thinking about how our mistakes make us who we are. We learn from them, and we try to never make that same mistake again. I know that I will never make this same mistake again, and I also know that eventually I will forgive myself. But for now, I'm clinging to the one who's love for me has never changed. And I will cling to Him until I see His perfect face.

13 Reasons Why....Not.

I'm sure if you have teenagers, or even if you don't, you have probably heard of the latest Netflix series that is getting lots of attention. It's a show called 13 Reasons Why and it focuses on Teen Suicide. It's only 13 episodes and you can only see it on Netflix. I know you are wondering, so I will go ahead and say, yes I watched it. Why did I watch it? Well. I've been asking myself that ever since I have finished it. I have a big heart for teens. I always have. I wish that I hadn't watched this series, because it left me feeling depressed and desperate. Depressed for the feelings that I know are really out there from teens who are bullied. Teens who are insecure. Teens who are afraid to not agree with other kids. The series focuses on a 17 year old girl named Hannah who records her 13 reasons for committing suicide on cassette tapes. The cassette tapes are dedicated to a person each time. After she committed suicide, a friend mailed out her tapes to the first person on the tapes and then that person forwarded it on to person #2 and so on. Tape #11 is for Clay Jensen. The series starts with Clay receiving the tapes and each episode tells the story as he listens to each tape. It's a very dark series, and I wouldn't recommend that you watch it. Unless, you are letting your children watch it. I know that teen suicide is a very real thing. While I don't think it's this show's intention to promote it, I feel like if someone is thinking about it, then their decision would be made by the end of it. The truth of the matter is, how can someone truly know what their teenager is thinking? This show is very graphic about things that happened to Hannah and about the way she commits suicide at the end. I will go on and tell you, her last tape is for Mr. Porter. Yes, an adult. He was the last person to have a long conversation with her prior to her suicide. And, he did absolutely nothing.


It really hurts my heart that so many kids deal with feelings like this. We live in an unfair world. We live in a world where the good people usually suffer the worst. I was a sensitive kid. I never wanted anyone upset with me and if they were, it would destroy my personality for days. I'm still like that to an extent. I get my feelings hurt very easy. I did as a kid too. So what can we offer kids who feel like this? A post on facebook answered that very question. It's a very simple post called: 13 Reasons Why Not. Here they are.


1.You Are Loved (John 3:16)
2. You Have A Purpose. (Jeremiah 29:11)
3. You Are Given Strength To Persevere (1 Corinthians 10:13)
4. You Will Be Guided (Psalm 32:8)
5. You Are Not Alone (Deuteronomy 31:6)
6. You Were Created By Him and For His Glory (Isaiah 43:7)
7. He Will Take Away Your Worries (1 Peter 5:7)
8. He Will Comfort You (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
9. He Will Carry Your Burdens (Psalm 55:22)
10. He Will Forgive (Mark 11:25)
11. He Will Give You Hope (Romans 15:13)
12. He Will Deliver (Matthew 7:7)
13. He Dwells in You (1 Corinthians 3:16-17)


Maybe if we can all remember these 13 reasons, we can go through life a little easier. Life is hard for an adult, much less for a kid in school. I really don't think I would have made it through school so easily without my relationship with God. Everyone knew that I went to church and that I believed in God, but no one looked down on me for it. I never forced it on anyone, but if they would ask me, I would share my story. I only remember one person in school who was just plain out mean to me and it was for no reason at all. Her name was Nikki something. I'm glad that I can't remember the rest. She would see me walking down the hallway and just jump towards me like she was ready to fight. I never did anything to her, and I never fought back. I'm so thankful for my youth group, and for my parents who brought me up the way they did.


I just hope that I can be a light for the kids out there who feel like they have no reason to go on. I know that it's hard, but as their role models, parents, teachers, and friends, we have to be that light that they so desperately need.


"He calls each and every star by name. It's not likely that he's forgotten yours." -Louie Giglio

Time, Love and Bitterness

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because Christ has forgiven the inexcusable in us." -C.S. Lewis

Forgive and Forget. Three simple words that really aren't that simple. In fact, most people use the phrase very lightly. Some, even change the wording, saying, "I'll forgive but I won't ever forget." My question is, why is it so hard to forgive? And even harder to forget?  I can't remember what I wore yesterday, but I could tell you the name of every person who has ever wronged me. Why is that? Is it because if we do forgive and forget, we feel like we lost the battle? It's like we have worked so hard on a relationship with a person, only to have them betray us. Kind of like the way an athlete works hard on their game to get them to the Super Bowl, only to lose at the end, not achieving what they set out to do, and worked so hard for. When we forgive, we lose. So, we don't like it. If we choose to forgive someone, we are in a sense, setting them free. But what about us? What do we get out of it?

Why is it easier to forgive some people more than others? For me, it depends on if the person continues to do things to warrant your forgiveness. Also, I believe it's much different if it's your family. We are quicker to forgive people we love unconditionally. Why is that? Could it be because that's the way that Jesus loves us? Look at how many times we have been forgiven by Him. In fact, He loved us so much that he died on the cross for me and my sins. I continue to do things that warrant His forgiveness. Yet, He always forgives me. Over and over again.

If I asked you to name me 3 people off the top of your head who has wronged you, could you do it? I know I could. The truth of the matter is, no matter how much we forgive, I believe we still hold a bit of bitterness in our hearts for the person. That little something that keeps us from fully trusting them again. The "I'll never forget" part kicks in. It also seems to me that the older the wound is, the easier it is to fully let it go. Why? Well, fresher wounds are harder to heal. And, more than likely the fresher wounds have overtaken the previous ones. Which brings me to the first of two things, I believe allows us to move forward and overcome bitterness.

TIME
Time heals all wounds. Or so they say, anyway. I believe that statement is true. However, the time it takes to heal the wound just isn't fast enough to suit me. But with time, healing comes. We begin to question why it had to happen. We begin to wonder why God would let it happen. We begin to ask Him to reveal to us what exactly He wants us to learn from this thing that has hurt us so bad. We do a lot of soul searching. For me, a whole lot of song lyrics and bible verse searching. In the beginning, it's usually a song that can help me cry it out. In 2002, I experienced my first true heart break. It wasn't from a guy or a relationship type of heart break. It was the first time I got hurt so bad by someone and a situation, that it literally broke my heart. I was only 21 years old, and it involved church. I remember a song that helped me through that time. It is one of my favorite Jars of Clay songs.

"I Need You"
Strangely out of place.
There's a light filling this room where none would follow before.
I can't deny it burns me up inside. I fan the flames to melt away my pride.
Do I want shelter from the rain, or the rain to wash me away?
I need You, I need You, I need You.
You're all I'm living for.
I might sound like a fool.
But I think I felt You moving closer to me.
Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut. I fight the weight, I feel You lift me up.
You are the shelter from the rain, and the rain to wash me away.
Only had a second to spare, but all the time in the world to know You're there.
You are the shelter from the rain, and the rain to wash me away.
I need You, I need You, I need You.
You're all I'm living for.

When I think back on that heart breaking time in my life, I remember a card my Mom got me. It said, "God won't close one door without opening another one." I'll never forget that. It was the first time that I heard that saying. It sunk into my broken heart and healing began. Growing up as a Preacher's Daughter, I knew hurt from churches could happen. I just never thought it would happen. Once the healing began, I was able to forgive the situation, and the people involved. Have I forgotten? Maybe. It was something that was very important to me and very special to my heart, but I was able to move on and let it go.

My favorite Chris Tomlin song came to me during one of the hardest things I ever had to face. It was a work situation that involved someone who I thought was my best friend. It took a lot out of me mentally, but I think that time was one of my strongest spiritual times in my life. It's a simple song, that said so much.

"Over Me"
Father hold me, like a newborn child.
Father hold me, like a newborn child.
Father calm me when I run wild.
Father watch over me.
Father cool me, when the fever's high.
Father cool me, when the fever's high.
Father show me through Jesus' eyes.
Father watch over me.
Father call me to Your loving side.
Father call me to Your loving side.
Father speak to me and I'll be alright.
Father watch over me.
Over me. Like the rain come down.
Over me. How sweet the sound.
Over me. The angels gather around.
Father watch over me.

I'm not sure what I would have done without that song back in October of 2007. To this day, it's one of my go to songs. I'm proud to say that the hurt I experienced in that year is far behind me. I have forgiven the person. I can't say I have forgotten, but I have definitely let it go. I'm also stronger from it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Or so they say, anyway. I also believe that statement is true. Eventually, you find the stronger that is in you.

The third and final time in my life that I'm gonna focus on, happened in May of 2013. I won't go into details, because it's just too painful. I've been reminded of these old wounds a lot in the past few weeks. It had to do with someone who wronged a family member. This one was by far the hardest to get over. There were so many nights I would lay awake at night and I would just cry. I had so much pain in my heart, yet I had to see and work with this person who betrayed my mom, every single day. I was kind of hard to deal with because I was so down. If anything unrelated happened to upset me, it was magnified because of the underlying hurt I was feeling over that situation. I even felt like it was my fault that it happened which made the healing even harder. I remember driving by myself one day to a creek near where I live. I sat in my car, watched the water flow, and I heard a song that changed everything. It was none other than a NEEDTOBREATHE song.

"Able"
There's a host of hurts we come across.
None of which alike.
From the air inside the birthing room to the darkness where we die.
Though I feel I'm just as strong as any man I know,
I'm not able on my own.
Carry around the secrets only Heaven knows.
Crawl into our darkened rooms where only victims go.
Though I feel I'm strong enough to carry all this load,
I'm not able on my own.
All my actions, false or true.
Selfish motives I will use.
We were born with knives in hand.
Trained to kill our fellow man.
If we're not better than the rest,
How will children do their best?
Find your patience, find your truth.
Love is all we have to lose.
'Cause I'm not able on my own.

It took me longer to get over this one than the others. It remains the freshest wound. If I allow myself to think too deeply about it, I'll go back to that dark place I was in. So, I won't. I don't think about it. Once I realized that I couldn't get through it by myself, it was easier to move forward. Once I forgave myself, I could move forward. Have I forgiven the person? Yes. Have I forgot? Probably not. The wound is still too fresh.

I think that TIME brings the FORGIVENESS. Which brings me to what brings the FORGETTING.

LOVE
It's much harder to forget something that happened to you than you think. In fact, I'm not 100% sure that you ever completely forget it. I think it's just this... Love breaks through. When you think about Love, what do you think of? How do you feel? In the sense that I'm speaking of, it's quite simple. Love is God. Love takes the hurt away. Love takes the pain from you, and makes it His own. Love give us the power to lose. Love takes away your enemy's ability to continue to hurt you. Love makes you strong enough to take their attack. Love defeats hostility. Love conquers death. Love wins every time.

Think about your deepest wound. How does it make you feel? Let me answer that for you... Pretty crappy, huh?  Philippians 4:8 says, "Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." I don't think that God wants us to remember and think about our wounds. That's the whole reason He takes them from us. He doesn't want us to hurt. Actually, whenever someone hurts us, it only makes it worse on us when we can't fully leave it behind. There is a song by Tenth Avenue North that inspired this blog.

"Losing"
I can't believe what she said, I can't believe what he did.
Oh, don't they know it's wrong? Don't they know it's wrong?
Well maybe there's something I missed, but how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart, the way they disregard.
This is love or this is hate, we all have a choice to make.
Oh, Father wont You forgive them, they don't know what they've been doing.
Oh Father give me grace to forgive them, 'cause I feel like the one losing.
Well it's only the dead that can live, but still I wrestle with this.
To lose the pain that's mine, seventy times seven times.
'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right, for me to turn a blind eye.
Though I guess it's not that much, when I think of what You've done.
Why do we think that our hate's gonna break a hard heart?
We're rippin' arms over wars that don't need to be fought.
'Cause pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground.
We build our bridges up, just to burn them down.
We think our pain is own apologies and get them to stop,
Well truth be told, it doesn't matter if their sorry or not.
'Cause freedom comes when we surrender to the sound,
Of Your mercy and Your grace, Father send Your angels down.
Oh, Father wont You forgive them, they don't know what they've been doing.
Oh Father give me grace to forgive them, 'cause I feel like the one losing.

So, how do you feel now? Better? I know I do. God will always take care of us. It seems like when bad things like this happen, one day we wake up and all the bitterness is just gone. How is that? I'll tell you how. Love. God. Love is God. See, the situation that has been the hardest for me to heal from... As of tomorrow at 4:30pm, the person will be completely removed from my life. I don't have to rejoice in that, because I rejoice in the fact that God and TIME has allowed me to forgive them. I can rejoice that I can accept the cost of forgiving others the way I've been forgiven. I trusted that God would take care of it, and He has. It took a long time, but He never leaves His children. Colossians 3:13 says, "Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."

There is an ongoing situation that I struggle with daily forgiveness for. It's hard for me to completely let God have this one for some reason. I pray for it. I continue to be the best that I can be whenever it comes to this situation. I always ask myself, "What would Jesus do?" when I have to be around them. I saw something in an article written by Dave Willis that helps me with this very struggle. "Show respect even to those who don't deserve it; not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours." I sing all of these songs and know that someday I'll get to the point where this ongoing wound will finally heal. I know it will. It will take some TIME and I just have to be willing to let LOVE break through. God tells us in Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." So, let us remember that it is possible to forgive AND forget. We just have to prepare our hearts. We have to let LOVE break through. We have to let go. And let God. Give Him your bitterness. Give Him your pain. Give Him your heart. Allow Him to heal it. With His perfect LOVE and TIMING.

The King Of My Heart

Prayer. It's one simple word that has so much power. It's one of the easiest things in the world to do, yet so many people don't do it. I want you to think about your best friend for a second. Think about what makes them your best friend. Most of you would probably agree, that conversations with this person is a big part of the reason they are your best friend. Another reason, is the time that you spend with them.

Growing up, my best friend's name was Carolyn. I remember how excited I was when my mom would let me go to her house, or her come to our house. We used to talk for hours on the phone. When I say hours, I mean hours. I remember once we were on the phone for 7 hours. We also used to write each other letters. It wasn't just one page letters, it was pages and pages of words that really didn't mean anything other than how happy we were to be friends. Ironically enough, a letter was also our last conversation. We don't talk anymore. And we aren't each other's best friend. Life just gets in the way sometimes.

When I turned 18, it seemed like my Mom went straight from Mother to Best Friend. I don't know what I would do without my Mom. She is my rock. She is my inspiration. She's the one I go to when I don't know what to do. I could spend all day, every day with her. I don't think there is anything that she doesn't know about me. Whenever I have made a mistake, her voice is the voice that lets me know that it will be okay. And that it's all gonna work out like it's supposed to. She encourages me like no other. She has always taken care of me and always had my back no matter what. I hope that I can become as strong as she is someday.

As a young adult, I would always think about my wedding, as most young women do. You always think about who the Groom will be, of course. But for me, the very next question was always, "Who will be my maid of honor?" I think this is a big question for those women who don't have a sister. I knew at that exact point in my life that I hadn't met my "Maid of Honor". I met that person in 2008. I knew when I met her that our friendship would be forever. Her name is Christy. And before you ask, yes. When I got married last year, Christy was my Maid of Honor. I wouldn't have ever asked any other person on earth to be that for me. Christy is the only friend I have ever had that felt close enough to me to be my sister. I can tell her anything. I know if I ever need her, she will be there for me. That's what true friendship is. They are there, no matter what. Good and bad.

Now, my very best friend is my husband. He has been since the day we met. I love spending time with him no matter what we are doing. We don't even have to talk, as long as we are with each other, I am happy. He is on my mind constantly. It's like I think about him and his spirit is with me every second, of every day. He's in my heart. He's in my mind. He's in every single thought throughout the day. Even if we are miles apart, he's there. One of my favorite quotes is from a movie, A Walk to Remember. "Our love is like the wind. I can't see it, but I can feel it." I can't imagine living my life without him by my side. He is my heart. My love. My everything.

It's funny when you think about all these attributes from the different relationships in your life. What if you put all of those attributes together? What would you have? Who would you have? My answer is simple. The King of my Heart. I am God's girl. Always have been. Always will be. Just this week, my thoughts have been taken over by how good God is to me. It started with a song by Zach Williams. It's called, "So Good To Me" and here are some of the lyrics.

"When day light breaks, with morning dew, You are, You are so good to me.
When evening comes, the day is through, You are, You are so good to me.
Your love is wild, Your promise true, You are, You are so good to me.
Your heart is kind, in all You do, You are, You are so good to me.
When blessings come, when life brings pain, You are, You are so good to me.
When Shadows fall, and seasons change, You are, You are so good to me.
On Heaven's shore, You'll call my name, You are, You are so good to me.
A thousand tongues, of angels say, You are, You are so good to me.
How perfect are your ways, How endless is Your grace, Forever I will sing Your praise.
You are, You are so good to me."

It's a very simple song that completely hit my heart in the right spot. I have sang this song about five hundred times this week, and each time it starts, I get chills. Today, when I heard it again, the thought came over me about how much I pray. Do I really pray enough? Do I really have the relationship with God that my heart needs? This is something very personal that I've not really shared with many people. I think the only person who knows is my husband. But maybe if I open up, you guys could pray for me about this issue. Sometimes, it's really hard for me to pray. Not because I don't want to, or I'm embarrassed or anything like that. Sometimes, it's because I've had a horrible day with horrible thoughts and I just don't feel worthy of talking to God. Sometimes, I struggle finding the words I want to say. If I could write to God, It would be a lot easier for me. But then I think about those conversations with all of the people I've listed above. I had a seven hour phone conversation with my childhood best friend, but I can't find the words to say to God?? What the heck?? But there is a verse that I am always reminded of.

"And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will." Romans 8:26-27

Which brings me to the second thing this week that have taken over my thoughts. Every morning when I'm getting ready for work, I listen to Christian music. I just want to start my day off right. I just have my phone on shuffle and listen to whatever is next. The other day, my favorite Third Day song came on. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the song, "May Your Wonders Never Cease". However, this time was different. It was one line in it that stuck out to me. It's a simple lyric that has stayed with me all week. "May Your wonders never cease, may Your Spirit never leave..." Wait a second. May Your Spirit never leave... My thoughts went to this. The Holy Spirit is always with me. It all of a sudden clicked with me. The Holy Spirit is always with me. May that Spirit never leave. I never want it to leave. This thought process led me to thinking about my relationship with God because I was thinking about how I always think about my husband. The Holy Spirit is with me every second, of every day. Much like the spirit of my husband is. And guess what else? "His love is like the wind. I can't see it, but I can feel it."

The third, and last thing that has taken over my thoughts this week was a song that was posted by a friend on Facebook. A song called, you guessed it, "King of My Heart". I had heard it many times before, but this time, it meant more. Why? Because it went right along with all of my thoughts throughout the week. And the lyrics to this song are so deep that I'm not even sure where to start. But here goes.

"Let the King of my heart be the mountain where I run,
the fountain I drink from, Oh He is my song.
Let the King of my heart be the shadow where I hide,
the ransom for my life, Oh He is my song.
Let the King of my heart be the wind inside my sails,
the anchor in the waves, Oh He is my song.
Let the King of my heart be the fire inside my veins,
And the echo of my days, Oh He is my song.
You are good, good, Oh. You are good, good, Oh."

Allow that to sink in for a second, and think about your relationship with God. Could you talk to him for seven hours on the phone? Or write him a ten page letter front and back? Could you tell Him how happy you are to be His friend? Is He your rock and inspiration? Is He the one you run to when you don't know what to do? Is there anything He doesn't know about you? Could you spend all day every day with Him? Can you tell Him anything? Can you count on Him to be there for you no matter what? Do you love spending time with Him? Is His spirit always with you? Is He in your every thought? Can you imagine your life without Him by your side? God is so good to us. He is all of this and so much more. He is the greatest friend we could ever ask for. Whenever we make mistakes, His voice tells us that everything is gonna be just fine. He is our encourager. He is our protector. He is our heart. He is our everything.

I think it's easy to forget what all God does for us. We are so busy asking Him for things, that we forget to thank Him for things. Someone once told me, "Try starting off your prayers by thanking Him and it will change your entire outlook on prayer." I believe that with my whole heart. Think about the good things, even on your worst day. It's hard to remember that we are worthy of God's love. It's hard to remember that He wants us on our good and bad days, even when we don't know what to pray. Is He the fountain you drink from? Is He the shadow where you hide? Is He the fire in your veins? Is He the King of your heart? Let Him be. Make Him be. Make Him the King of your heart. From now until kingdom come.

"We need never shout across the spaces to an absent God. He is nearer than our own soul, closer than our most secret thoughts." A.W. Tozer

"Are you doing this for me?"

Have you ever thought about God's role for your life? What exactly is His plan for you? Is He in control of your life? Control is a very sore subject for me. I battle with having control every single day. For example, it's really hard for me to ride in a car with someone else. All because I'm not the one behind the wheel. I'm not in control. It's hard for me to let someone else do something that I am supposed to do. It's even hard for me at times to let people help me. It's all a control issue. If I struggle that much with everyday life, can you imagine my inner struggle with letting God take control of everything? I worry more than anyone else that I have ever met. All because I feel the need to be in control. When in reality, God is in control. He's always been in control. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. One reason being, because we will have a new President on Friday. The long and short of it is, we just can't worry about it. No matter who is President, God is in control.

Have you ever just wanted to make a difference in the world? Do you want your words heard? I know I do. Every time I write a blog, I hope that someone will get something out of it. Even if it's just one person. As you all know, I'm a big music person. Actually, I'm more of a lyrics person. My favorite band has a song that reminds me to start and end each day striving to be a difference maker.

"Yeah, isn't it amazing how a man can find himself alone.
Call into the darkness for an answer that he's never known.
Yeah, isn't it amazing how God can take a broken man.
Yeah, let him find a fortune, let him ruin it with his own two hands.
And he climbs on up the hill on the rock on which he stands,
He looks back at the crowd, he looks down at his hands and he says,
I am a difference maker.
Oh, I am the difference maker.
Oh, I am the only one who speaks to him.
I am the friendliest of friends of God.
I am on the fence about nearly everything I've seen,
And I have felt the fire be put out by too much gasoline.
And we're all strangers passing through a place and time afternoon.
Life is but a vision in a window that we're peeking through.
A helpless conversation with a man who says he cares a lot.
It's a passive confrontation about who might throw a punch or not.
We are all transgressors, we're all sinners, we're all astronauts.
So if you're beating death then raise your hand but shut up if you're not.
'Cause I am the difference maker.
Oh, I am the only one who speaks to him.
And I am the friendliest of friends of God."

Bear Rineheart of Needtobreathe was asked about what this song meant to him. Why he wrote it. He wanted to understand his role in God's plan for his life. They were touring with a secular artist at the time he wrote it, and he didn't feel like the band was having the impact that they should. He said that he felt like God was asking him, "Are you doing this for me?", and then 'Difference Maker' was born. He talked about how the line in the song, "I am on the fence about nearly everything I've seen...", and he said he meant "we surrender to God." He said that the beginning of the song was them asking themselves if they really are difference makers, and how valuable they really are. Then in the end of the song, God makes us a part of what He does. He is the one who makes the rules. He is the one who controls it. He is the one who picks the timing. As Bear said, "It's not because of our talents. He doesn't need that. He needs our willing hearts." Bear went on to talk about how all of us are sinners. The line, "We are all transgressors, we're all sinners, we're all astronauts.", came to him because we are all kind of detached from things. As grounded as we think we may be, or as in control as we feel, we really aren't. God is the one who takes care of that.

We all spend way too much time arguing about what we believe. Weather it's about religion, politics, sports, or sexual preference. It seems like social media is full of argumentative content. Why? Because the media wants the world to fight. They want the nation divided. But, how valuable is that argument? Is it doing anything to help us become a difference maker? Why do we spend our time arguing about what we believe when God is in control? It's simple. Because we are all transgressors. We are all sinners. And, yes, we are all astronauts. We aren't grounded. I think a part of all of us don't want the pressure of giving God control. We want that control. We want the worry. Because if we don't, what would we think about? What if we spent all of our time doing something good. What we believe doesn't make us who we are. What we believe doesn't get us anywhere in life. It's the things we do. It's the acts of kindness. It's taking the high road. It's thinking before we speak.

"And so it happened, just as the scriptures say: 'Abraham believed God, and God counted him as righteous because of his faith.' He was even called the friend of God. So you see we are shown to be right with God by what we do, not by faith alone." James 2:23-24

I saw a post on Instagram a while back. It said "Your faith can move mountains... Your doubt can create them." Think about that for a second. Think about your role in God's plan for your life. Are you really doing all that you can for Him? Can you hear Him asking you, "Are you doing this for me?" This is what I am going to do, and I encourage all of you to do as well. Anytime I feel the need to argue about something on facebook, I will say to myself, "Are you doing this for me?" Every time I start to worry about anything, especially the things that are out of my control, I will say, "Are you doing this for me?" Because honestly, if the answer to that question is; NO, then we need to stop right then. If it's not of God or for God, then it's not for me. When you ask yourself the question, take the time to fully surrender to God in the situation. Strive for it. Allow God to control it. Allow God to control you. Allow Him to know the correct timing. Remember, all God needs from us is our willing hearts. Surrender that to Him. And maybe, just maybe, you can be a difference maker.

"Dear Future Husband", An Open Letter To The Love Of My Life

1990
To: Future Husband
From: 10 Year Old  Me

Hello future husband. I really hope your name is Donnie, just like Donnie Wahlberg. I hope that you like milk with ice in it and I hope that you enjoy spending all day with a tom boy. I even kinda have a boy haircut. My favorite things are: New Kids on the Block, and a new TV show called, Beverly Hills 90210. I guess your name could be Brandon too. I'd be happy either way. I love to wear bibbed overalls with one side not buckled, and I almost always wear a hat with some sort of sports team on it. Anyway, I love you and can't wait to meet you. Peace out.



1998
To: Future Husband
From: 18 Year Old Me

Dear Future Husband,
   I hope that you are all I've ever dreamed of and more. I know that God has you sitting there just waiting for the perfect time to meet me. Right now, I am pretty focused. I am helping as a counselor with our youth group and I enjoy taking all kinds of trips. I guess I'm not ready to settle down anytime soon, so take your time finding me. I was supposed to go to college and get a degree in Broadcasting. I wanted to be a radio DJ so bad. However, I just felt like God wanted me to stay available and help with the youth group. It's where I am happiest right now. I hope you don't mind being with someone who doesn't have a college degree. I hope you enjoy being with someone who has a heart for the Lord above anything else. Anyway, I love you and can't wait to meet you.
Love,
Natasha


2006
To: Future Husband
From: 26 Year Old Me
Dear Future Husband,
  Okay. You can show up at any time. I've done so many things that I've always wanted to do. I've traveled to places I never thought I would go. I've spent plenty of time doing these things without you, and now I'm just ready. I  know that you are out there. God reminds me of that every single day. He also reminds me that I have to be patient. "Be patient, my child. For the man I have for you will be worth the wait." I have heard that so many times. It's hard to be patient when all you want to do is fall in love and start a family. Everyone wants that white picket fence with two or three kids running around playing football in the back yard. I'm longing for that day. I'll keep praying for you. Anyway, I love you and can't wait to meet you.
Love,
Natasha


2011
To: Future Husband
From: 31 Year Old Me
Dear Future Husband,
   I've come to the conclusion that maybe God's plan for me is to not ever meet you. Maybe God wants me to be single. I know that there are certain ones that He calls to remain single, I was just hoping I wasn't one of them. It's hard, because I have so much love that I could give you. But, for some reason, one of us isn't ready. I'm tired of meeting people and thinking maybe they could be you, and being disappointed when I find out they aren't you. Where are you????? Why haven't you come for me????? I deserve my white horse!!! Frustration has set in now. I have to start praying a different prayer in hopes that you will arrive soon. I'm lonely without you. Anyway, I love you and can't wait to meet you.
Love,
Natasha


September 29, 2012
To: Future Husband
From: 32 Year Old Me
Dear Future Husband,
   I can't tell you how much fun I had with you last night. I can't tell you how you made me feel. I can't tell you how on fire I felt when I left. The first look into your eyes, and I melted. I just know in my heart that you are my future husband. I have prayed and prayed for this day, and it has finally arrived. I don't want to rush anything, but I can't wait to see you again. And again. And again. I can't wait to fall in love with you over and over. And over. And over. You have taken care of my loneliness and all of my prayers have been answered. I love you!
Love,
Natasha

"I have found the one whom my soul loves." Song of Songs 3:4

Present Day
To: Dustin Shayne Downs
From: 36 Year Old Me
Dear Love of My Life,
  Let me start by saying thank you. Thank you for finding me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being mine. You are my heart. I want you to know that I will always be here. I want you to know that I won't ever give up on you, on us, or on this marriage. When I said "I Do", I meant it for life. I might not always be easy to live with, but I promise to try my best. I promise to always think of you before I think of myself. At times, I may become selfish. But know that I will overcome it. In the words of Derek and Meredith, we need to, "Love each other even when we hate each other." I think that's a very important thing to remember in marriage. There are gonna be times when we don't like each other, but we have to always love each other no matter what the argument is about. We both know, we can only win if we are US. If I win, you lose. And if you win, I lose. The only way we can win is together.

I promise to try and overcome all of my insecurities. I know that it's hard for you loving someone who is insecure. I know it's hard for you to love someone who overthinks everything. I know it's hard for you to love someone who has mild anxiety and some attributes of OCD. I may not always be easy to like, but I hope that I can be the kind of wife that is always easy to love. I promise to give you every ounce of love that I have in my heart. I've had plenty of time to hold on to that love. It's time for it to release. Fully release. I promise to be the very best Step-Mom that I know how to be. I've never had kids, and I don't know a lot about being a Mom, but I sure know how to love and how to be there for them. I promise to always love them like they are my own children. I pray every day that I can always have this kind of relationship with both of them. They are a huge part of my heart and my life and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I'm so thankful that God handpicked you just for me. It makes sense now why I was wondering where you were in 2011. It was all worth the wait. You will always be worth the wait. My heart will always beat for only you. I took those vows to heart back in April, and now I vow to you to become a better wife with each new day. To love you more with each new sunrise. To always be happy to see you when I come home from work every day. To always long to kiss you when you leave, even if it is to split up in Wal-Mart to make things faster. To always meet you exactly in the middle of the Mens and Womens restroom when we both have to go. To always enjoy Fantasy Football together, even when you beat me. To always grow deeper through our daily devotion and weekly songs we pick. To always be in prayer for you, and with you.

A few weeks ago, I read that you should read the scripture in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and replace the word "Love" with your spouse's name. So this is what it would read for me. "Dustin is patient. Dustin is kind. Dustin is not jealous, or boastful, or proud, or rude. Dustin does not demand his own way. Dustin is not irritable and keeps no record of wrong. Dustin does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices  whenever the truth wins out. Dustin never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." This is one thousand percent you to a T! I'm so blessed by you and by your love for me. You protect me and you love me even when I'm unlovable. I can't thank you enough for that.

There are things that I don't tell you. Like how sometimes at night, I let you fall asleep first so that I can watch your eyes blink. You have the most beautiful eye lashes. Or how it makes me feel in the middle of the night when you put your arm around me and pull me closer to you. Sometimes I feel like I can't get close enough to you. Or how I still get butterflies in my stomach when you look at me from across the room and wink at me. Or how my heart skips a beat when your hand touches mine as you go to hold it as we walk. Or how much I appreciate that you always help me cook and you always help me clean. I just want you to know, that I could never make it through this crazy life without you. Without your support. Without your protection. Without your love. For me, you hung the moon. For me, you are it. And, you are mine. You will always be mine. No matter what happens, I will never run away. I promise you that.

I know that the family that prays together, stays together. I know that we will always be together as long as we keep God first in our lives. That's always been important for me, and I know it's important for you as well. I pray that our walks with God together can do amazing things. Just think of what we can do with two hearts who strive wholeheartedly after the one true God. Anyway, I love you and I can't wait to see you again.
Love,
The Love of Your Life

"What God brings together, let no man separate." Mark 10:9

Dead Man Walking

What is the worst thing you have ever seen? Or better yet, what is the worst thing you've ever done? We can all honestly say that there are things we wish we hadn't seen and things we wish we had never done. I don't remember ever seeing anything that has caused me to feel this way, but anytime I see an ambulance, I get sick to my stomach. I feel like I must have seen something as a child that I don't remember that made me sick to my stomach that involved an ambulance. It's especially bad when I see a wreck on the highway. I can't even look in the area of the wreck or I feel like I could throw up. It's crazy how the things you see impact you for the rest of your life. The worst thing I've ever done? Well. I got a ticket for not wearing a life jacket once. But to me, hurting someone I love is far worse than that. When I see the hurt I've caused, it literally rips my heart to shreds.

My husband's new favorite show is called, Timeless. It's about a team who have been hired to keep history the way it was intended. There is a group of vigilantes who travel back in time and try to change history. This team keeps that from happening. It's not really my thing, but I listen to it as he watches it every week. We got into a conversation about time travel one night while watching the show. We started discussing what if we could go back to any point in time and change the way something happened in history. I said to him, "What if you could stop Jesus from dying on the cross?" And he said "We wouldn't be here if that didn't happen. He died for our sins." I've thought about that a lot since we had that conversation. So much so, that I started thinking about all the sins I've been forgiven for in my life. So much so, that I began thinking of Jesus's death on the cross on a daily basis. So much so, that the first time I heard this song, it's all I could do to not cry my eyes out.
It's called, "Forgiven" by Crowder.

"I'm the one who held the nail. It was cold between my fingertips.
I've hidden in the garden. I've denied You with my very lips.
God I fall down to my knees, with a hammer in my hand.
You look at me. Arms open.
Forgiven! Forgiven! Child there is freedom from all of it.
Say goodbye to every sin. You are forgiven!
I've done things I wish I hadn't done. I've seen things I wish I hadn't seen.
Just the thought of Your amazing grace. And I cry, 'Jesus, forgive me!'
God I fall down to my knees, with a hammer in my hand.
You look at me. Arms open.
I could've been six feet under. I could've been lost forever.
Yeah, I should be in that fire. But now there's fire inside of me.
Here I am a dead man walking. No grave gonna hold God's people.
All the weight of all our evil, lifted away forever free.
Who could believe, who could believe?
Forgiven! I'm forgiven! Jesus, Your blood makes me innocent.
So I will say goodbye to every sin. I am forgiven!"

In my line of work, I see a lot of people who are in jail. I see a lot of people who are broken. I've always had a heart for people who are in jail. Those in trouble. The ones who feel like they will never find a way out of a dark cell. I've always loved movies about prisoners. I've always been intrigued with true stories of real people who have died because of the mistakes they have made. I try not to get into politics because of one reason. I don't believe in the death penalty. I know a lot of people don't know that about me. The reason for that is, I'm really too passionate about it to even discuss my feelings on it. But, I'm going to attempt to help you understand my reasoning on it.

Dead man walking. Have you ever had nothing but time to think about what you did to hurt someone? To hurt someone's family? Have you ever felt that tugging in your heart to know that you have no other hope but to trust that there is a God who will save you? I mean, when you get down to it, aren't we all just a dead man walking in a sense? Do me a favor, and read the lyrics to the above song one more time. Now, here is my thing. If God says that we are forgiven and His blood makes us innocent, how can we be for the death penalty? I'm not saying that someone shouldn't have to pay for the crimes they have committed by any means, but I'm just saying that I just can't wish death on another person. There is a verse that gets taken out of context by society all the time. It's found in Matthew chapter 5.

"You have heard it said, 'Eye for an Eye, and tooth for tooth.'" That's where most people stop reading. However, it goes on to say, "But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also." Then, just 4 verses later, this. "You have heard it said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your father in heaven."

For me, that speaks to heart and says that we just can't repay evil with evil. The truth of the matter is, we are all dead men walking. We may not know our exact day and time of our death. We may not get to pick the last meal we will ever put into our body. We probably don't ever walk with shackles on our hands and feet. But we have all been in that spot. The spot where we thought we would never make it out alive. We've all been in our own dark cell looking for light. Looking for God. Tim Tebow told a story about when he went to visit prisoners who were on suicide watch and was looking to witness to them. There were 4 cells in all, and he was unsuccessful in the first 2 that he went to. The 3rd cell, there was a young man who was not only in for murder, but he had also just killed another inmate a few days prior. Tim walked up to the glass and the man slowly came to him and he looked Tim right in the face and said "You're a Christian, aren't you?" and he said, "Yes sir, I am." The young man went on to tell him that minutes before he came to his cell, he had been arguing with God and he told God, "If you are real, show yourself to me." Then, Tim showed up.

No matter what you are going through in life, there is hope. You may feel like you are getting ready to be six feet under, but there is life. You may feel like you are the one who held the hammer and put the nails in Jesus's body, but He is there. With His arms wide open. For you. For me. For every sinner in the world. For every one of us who have been dead men walking. You can be free. You can leave it all in the hands that were wounded for you. He's here. Arms open.

I Still Believe.

"Pick up your guitar. I have something for you to write." Those were the words that Jeremy Camp heard his Heavenly Father say to him when he was at his lowest point of a broken heart. I don't know if you know who Jeremy Camp is or not, but he is one of my favorite Christian artists and has been since his first CD was released in 2002. He wrote a book in 2013 that is titled after the song that made him famous, I still believe. I didn't know that he had written a book until a few months ago, and then, my Mom got it for me for my Birthday 3 weeks ago. I have now finished the book, and I feel renewed. I feel more complete inside. This book has made me want to live differently. It made me want to be a bigger and better Christian. I'm gonna attempt to tell you his story. Rather, the things that touched me most about his story. The things that made me want to change. The things that taught me that there is no reason why I'm not living in the way I need to be. So here goes. His story of heartbreak and healing. My story of strength and renewal.

Heartbreak and Healing

Jeremy Camp grew up in a Christian home, but he also grew up in a poor home. They never had a lot of money for anything. When Jeremy was a junior in high school, he made a life altering decision. He chose to go to a private Christian school rather than to play as the starting running back on his public school's football team. The school had a tuition, and Jeremy called the school before attending and asked if it was possible for him to work at the school instead of paying the tuition since his family couldn't afford it. The school allowed him to do that. Jeremy had a hard time not playing football, but he knew it was God's will for him to switch schools. He listened to God instead of doing what he wanted to. It was during that year that Jeremy focused more on music and formed his first band with some of his friends. For his senior year, Jeremy decided to go back to public school and play football.  However, since he had been out the year before, the coach said he would have to prove himself and he wasn't the starting running back. He finished his senior year early, and graduated at Christmas. He was able to get a job and work before figuring out where to attend college. He had two choices. He could go to Purdue and play football, or he could go to Calvary Chapel Bible College in California.

One night, as he wrestled about what he was supposed to do, Jeremy had a dream. In the dream, he walked into a room where his mom was on the phone. She hung up and he asked her who she had been talking to. His mom answered, "It was Satan. Do you have his number?" He answered her that he did and then he awoke in a cold sweat. He said that he felt like that was God's answer. That he had Satan's number because he still hadn't cut off all ties with him. He followed God's will and went to the Bible college. He spent a lot of time with God during his college years. He led worship at the chapel services, however, he had to borrow someone's guitar. Remember, his family didn't have a lot of money. At one point, he watched a college football game on TV. The running back was the guy who was supposed to be his backup his junior year had he went to the public school. But he continued on, knowing that God had a plan especially for him. After he graduated college, he worked to pay off college loans. Then, he went home for Christmas. He noticed a present that was much larger than all the others under the tree. He asked his parents who's it was since it was his turn to pass out all packages. They told him that it was for him. It was a Taylor guitar that cost somewhere around $2,000 dollars. He said that tears filled his eyes, and the thought came over him, "Lord, whatever you want. Not my plans, but yours. Here I am."

He went back to California and started going to a bible study with a friend of his. That's where he met the love of his life, Melissa. It was a long process, but finally they fell in love. But then, something unexpected happened. Melissa had cancer. They were able to remove it, never to come back. Right? Wrong. While she was still in the hospital bed, Jeremy proposed and she had accepted. They set the date pretty quickly because neither of them wanted a long engagement. They went on their honeymoon in Hawaii and it was there that Jeremy started realizing that Melissa's situation could take a toll on him as her husband. He was alone at one point, thinking about everything when this scripture came to him, "We walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7 and he felt God saying, "Just continue to trust me, I know what I'm doing." Jeremy picked up his guitar and wrote the lyrics to "Walk By Faith" while on his honeymoon.

"Well, I will walk by faith. Even when I cannot see. Well because this broken road, prepares your will for me. Well, I'm broken, but I still see your face. Well, you've spoken, pouring your words of grace."

After they returned home, Melissa went back to the doctor because she had been having pain in her stomach. They found out that she had cancer all over her body. Melissa's last days were spent with close family and friends, mostly in the hospital. She often asked Jeremy to get his guitar out and play worship songs and she would sing and praise the Lord with all the strength she had left. At one point, she told her husband, "If I were to die from this cancer and just one person accepted Jesus because of it, it would all be worth it." Well, that's exactly what happened. Melissa's nurse had been watching her and noticed her praying and praising God and realized that something was missing in her own life. Melissa had been praying with the nurse and her dad also prayed with the nurse and she asked Jesus to come into her heart and become her Lord and Savior. Melissa cried at learning that the purpose in her suffering had been accomplished. Melissa died after being married for only 3 and a half months.

For about two weeks after her death, Jeremy didn't play any music. In fact, he didn't do much of anything besides mourn the death of his wife. He felt alone in so many ways. He knew Melissa was gone, and it felt like God was gone too. God's will for him had become a fog. He didn't know if God could hear him. If God was even there. But one day, while at his parent's house, he heard Him. "Pick up your guitar." The last thing he wanted to do was play his guitar. He heard Him again, "Pick up your guitar, I have something for you to write." The lyrics to "I Still Believe" came to him and it was completely written in ten minutes.

"Scattered words and empty thoughts, seem to pour from my heart.
I've never felt so torn before, Seems I don't know where to start.
But it's now that I feel your grace fall like rain,
From every fingertip, washing away my pain.
Though the questions still fog up my mind, with promises I still seem to bear.
Even when answers slowly unwind, it's my heart I see you prepare.
But it's now that I feel your grace fall like rain,
From every fingertip, washing away my pain.
I still believe in your faithfulness. I still believe in your truth.
I still believe in your holy word. Even when I don't see, I still believe."

I would still consider this song to be his biggest hit. It was the song that introduced the world to Jeremy Camp. It was the song that introduced me to Jeremy Camp. His book goes on to tell you how many thousands of people he reached by telling his story. How many lives were saved because of his wife, her faithfulness and her passing. Remember what she said? "...if just one person..." And there are thousands. Probably millions or billions by now. Now, when I hear this song, I'll think of Melissa. I'll think of her faithfulness. Her inspiration to me. Because of Melissa, I can move on to the second part of this post.

Strength and Renewal

What are you good at? Do you have any talents? How did you get good at what you are good at? I like to think I'm a good writer. People tell me that I am, and I enjoy it. However, sometimes I don't feel like I'm good at it. I guess that's probably the case with anyone. You sort of become a perfectionist at what you are good at. I will say, every single time I write a blog, I do it to reach someone. I do it to speak to someone's heart. I do it for the same reason that Jeremy Camp writes and sings songs. It's my testimony. It's my heart. However, I realized after reading this book, that I'm just not as faithful as I should be. Or, is it, as I could be? I'm not sure. Either way, I'm not near as faithful as I need to be or want to be. There. That's what I was trying to say. My weak points come when bad things happen. I never stop and say "I should pray about this." when in fact, that's exactly what I need to do. I go into shut down mode. I don't know who said it, but I love it. "Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters not to drown but to be cleansed." We never think about that at the time, but truer words have never been spoken.

Why does it seem like it's so hard to love people? That's another struggle I have. I get upset really quickly and then I feel guilty about my reaction. I never stop and think, "I should just pray about this." Or, "I should pray for them.". WHY? WHY NOT? God designed us to be loving Christians. He created me to love others. I feel like I really do a good job of putting other people first. It's hard, and I probably don't ALWAYS do it, but I try my very best to. I saw a post on facebook. Again, I don't know where it came from other than facebook. There is a sentence at the top of the post that has an X over it that says, "don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't cross a puddle for you." Then underneath it, this: "No. Do it. Do cross oceans for people. Love People, all people. No conditions attached, no wondering whether or not they are worthy. Cross oceans, climb mountians. Life and love isn't about what you gain, it's about what you give." AMEN! You get what you give. So, it seems pretty simple, right? Just GIVE. Give Love. Give Hope. What's the easiest thing to give someone? Love. Prayers. Encouragement.

As you know if you read my last blog, my heart is beating right again. Partly because of that miracle that God gave me, but partly because of this book. I feel stronger in my faith. I feel stronger in my walk with the Lord. I feel renewed. I felt like I fought for so long. But, I've heard that God will put a Goliath in your life for you to find the David within you. God is always looking out for us. Right now, in front of the whole world, I want to make a vow. A vow to you, my readers. A vow to myself. A vow to my God. I want to vow to be a much better person. A more loving person. I vow to be a better wife. I vow to be a better step-mom to my girls. I vow to be a better daughter to my parents. I vow to be a better sister. I vow to be a better friend. I vow to be a better Christian. I long to be the best Christian that I can be. I want that. I need that. I want God to be proud of His girl. I vow to pray. I vow to love. I vow to be faithful. I vow to go to my Father when I need strength and renewal. Even when I don't feel like it. My youth minister told me one time, "Natasha, it's not about the feelings anymore, it's about the facts." I'm big on feelings. I'm big on saying, "I just don't feel like doing that." Sometimes, I don't feel like praying. The old me wouldn't have prayed. I vow to pray even when I don't feel like it. I need to be held accountable though. If you think about me at any point during your day, pray for me. Pray that I can always understand the importance of obedience over feelings. I will leave you with a quote from Jeremy's book that really hit me hard. In the meantime, don't forget.... I still believe.

"It was odd but there were two contrasting trends at work. On one hand, I would find myself telling God before a service, 'Lord, I don't feel like worshiping you today. I don't feel like saying I STILL BELIEVE.' I knew the words were true but they didn't feel true. But on the other hand, even though at times I felt like a reluctant participant, I could feel God's presence as I sang, and there was a greater impact on audiences than I could have anticipated. I could see and feel that God was moving and I knew it had nothing to do with me, because only a few minutes earlier I had been telling God I didn't want to sing that song. Again, I learned a valuable lesson about the importance of obedience over feelings."

"A Little Bit Longer, and I'll Be Fine."

"Even miracles take a little time." -The Fairy Godmother

Have you ever prayed for the same thing over and over and felt like you never got an answer? Have you ever questioned why God won't answer you? Have the unanswered prayers caused doubt in your relationship with God? Has the doubt in your relationship allowed the devil to have a stronger foothold? Let me answer all of these questions for you. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. We have all been there. Sometimes more than we would want to admit. The real question is, how do we get back to where we were prior to the unanswered prayer that started the doubt in the first place? For me, it is almost always through song lyrics. Almost a week ago, I heard a song for the first time. I downloaded the song, and have heard it probably 100 times in 6 days. I instantly fell in love with it. This song brought my heart back to life. It took over the doubt. It reminded me that God is still there. God is always there. And no matter what His answers to our prayers may be, He is always a chain breaker. Which just happens to be the name of the song I heard by Zach Williams.

"If you've been walking the same old road for miles and miles.
If you've been hearing the same old voice tell the same old lies.
If you're trying to fill the same old holes inside.
There's a better life. There's a better life.
If you've got pain, He's a pain taker.
If you feel lost, He's a way maker.
If you need freedom, or saving, He's a prison shaking Savior.
If you've got chains, He's a chain breaker.
We've all searched for light of day in the dead of night.
We've all found ourselves worn out from the same old fight.
We've all run to things we know just ain't right.
And there's a better life. There's a better life.
If you believe it.
If you receive it.
If you can feel it.
Somebody testify."

I turned a year older this past Thursday, and for whatever reason, no matter how old I am, I still have trouble with letting lose of my chains. Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. What we have to remember, God allows things to happen to us for a reason. We don't know His reasons right away, and sometimes never. I'm living proof that He always makes us stronger through any battle we go through. Today, my heart is happier than it has been in a long time. Last night, a miracle happened. An answered prayer happened. Last night, I felt like I fell in love all over again. Last night, all of my doubts were removed. Last night, the devil was defeated.

"Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come." Jeremiah 33:3

Why is it so easy to lose faith? Why is it so easy to give in to the enemy? Especially when we read verses like that? All we have to do is ask. All we have to do is talk to Him. We have to believe that He will do what we ask. Don't feel selfish in your prayers. Ask Him for what you need. Talk to Him. Seek Him. Love Him. Believe He will answer you in His time. I've prayed the same prayer for over a year, and last night, that prayer was answered. Did doubt set in? Yes. Did I give the devil a strong foothold in my heart? Yes. But, once I was willing to let go and let God take care of it, He did.
John 14:14 says, "Ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!"

Forgiveness is a very powerful thing. There are things that we need to forgive that we may not even know about. I think that comes with letting go of whatever chains you are dealing with. Once forgiveness comes, the chains are instantly broken. Sometimes, you need to forgive yourself. That's a lot of my problem. I always take the blame when something happens. I'm hard on myself. I kick myself when I'm down. I've always been that way. The hardest person for me to forgive is myself. Last night, I did that. Last night, my heart began to beat in a way it hasn't in a very long time. "Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, 'may you be lifted up and thrown into the sea' and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you've received it, it will be yours. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins too." Mark 11:22-26

Have you found yourself worn out from the same old fight? I really feel like God speaks to us in mysterious ways. I received a picture on my wall for my birthday on Thursday and I read much deeper into than what it actually said. It was a picture of New Kids on the Block and it said:' Happy Birthday Natasha! Keep Hanging Tough!' Wait, what? KEEP HANGING TOUGH. Just a little bit longer. It was as if God was telling me that healing was right around the corner. I had no idea what He had in store for my family. Then, I saw another picture on facebook with a bible verse on it that a friend had shared. "God will use the very thing that was meant to destroy you to deliver you." 1 Samuel 17:1 Wow. All of that in the span of a few days. Even with the miracle that my family experienced last night, there are other needs. There are always needs. There always will be. My plan is to believe. Believe that I can ask God to do something specific and know that He will do it. Do you need freedom? Do you need saving? He IS a prison shaking Savior. Do you believe it? Have you received it? Can you feel it? Somebody testify.

I read something else this week that I want to leave you with.
"While praying one day a woman asked, 'Who are you, God?'
He answered. 'I Am.'
'But who is, I Am?' she asked.
He replied. 'I Am Love. I Am Peace. I Am Grace. I Am Joy. I Am Strength. I Am Power. I Am The Creator. I Am The Comforter. I Am The Truth and The Light.'
With tears in her eyes, she looked toward heaven and said, 'Now I understand. But who am I?'
God tenderly wiped the tears from her eyes and whispered, 'You are Mine.'"

"It Is Time." -Rafiki (The Lion King)

It's been a few weeks since my last post. It's been a rough few weeks. There have been a lot of emotions going through my mind. Through my heart. We lost Dustin's grandmother on July 20th around 10:30pm. It's one of the hardest things I've seen him have to face. Which made it hard for me too. I hated to see him hurt so bad, but I knew I had to be strong for him. In doing that, I held back my emotions. It was so hard to do that. I would go into the bathroom at home when he was asleep or when he was doing something and I would let my emotions out so that he couldn't see it. I knew it would only make it harder on him. I knew I had to be the strong one. There is a quote that says, "A strong marriage doesn't always have two strong people at the same time. It is a husband and wife who take turns being strong for each other in the moments when the other feels weak." That is one of the truest statements there is. I hope that I can always be strong for him when he needs me to. There is a song that came to me only 4 days before Mom-Mom passed and it is by NEEDTOBREATHE of course. It's called "Be Here Long". Here are the lyrics.

"Close my eyes and think of you. Go to sleep and dream of you.
We don't get to be here long.
I gave you the best of me. Loved you more than anything.
We don't get to be here long.
And though my heart may be in pieces, my eyes are still set on you.
And though I can't keep it together, I know that you want me to.
I'm swimming in the grief and there's no anchor that can hold me down.
And I don't want any relief cause I don't wanna let you go right now.
Your memories were a charity, they gave me more than I could need.
I know you found the promised land, but I'm still here and I'm missing you."

This song is what kept me strong. However, when I was in my car, and it was on repeat, I couldn't hold back my tears. Not only was I grieving for Mom-Mom, and hurting for Dustin, I was also thinking of my loved ones who have passed that I loved so much. I think I would cut off my right arm to have had my Uncle Bud at my wedding. I honestly would have given anything for that. I think the main reason is because every time I saw him, the first thing he would ask me was, "Do you have a boyfriend yet?". He passed before I met Dustin and I would have loved to have answered that question with, "Yes, I finally met the love of my life." and I never got to. He was well represented at the wedding. His wife, my Aunt Linda, was there. His daughter, my cousin Shari, was there and made my special day perfect. I know that he was right there for the wedding with his brother, his sister, his Dad and his Mom on the front row looking down at me. Which brings me to my next one. My Granny. In Dustin's loss of his Mom-Mom, it really made me think about my Granny. It made me miss her all over again. Why is it that even though we know our loved ones are in a better place, we still can't fully ever let them go?

There is a scene in my favorite Disney movie, The Lion King that I want to share with you. It happens when Simba first meets Rafiki. He tells him that he knows Simba's father, who has died. He explains to Simba that he is still alive.

Rafiki: Look down there.
Simba: That's not my father. That's just my reflection.
Rafiki: No. Look harder.
(The wind picks up. In the air the huge image of Mufasa is forming from the clouds.)
Rafiki: You see. He lives in you.

Mufasa: Simba...
Simba: Father?
Mufasa: Simba, you have forgotten me.
Simba: No. How could I?
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself Simba. You are more than what you have become.
Simba: How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
Mufasa: Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true king. Remember who you are.

Simba: Looks like the winds are changing.
Rafiki: Ahhhh. Change is good.
Simba: Yeah, but not easy. I know what I have to do. But going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long.
(Rafiki whacks Simba on the head with his staff.)
Simba: OWW! Geez. What was that for?
Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past!
Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it.

This takes me to a very spiritual place in my heart. It reminds me of how many times in my life I have been like Simba just searching for my heavenly Father. It's funny how death can make you feel closer to God. It's like you know your loved one is there with Him, and you know they are taken care of, and you are just so thankful that God is the one who chose to take them from you. In all of my emotions lately, I have been battling inside with fear. My struggle with that right now is so strong, and I know that it was just a gift from God that Haylie came to our house obsessing over The Lion King this weekend. I needed it more than she could ever understand. That scene in the movie always makes me feel protected. It makes me feel loved. It makes me feel that no matter what my inner struggles are, God will always take care of it. He lives in me. There is an older song by City Harmonic that has popped into my head, and I feel I need to share it with you. It's called "Fell Apart".

"Put me back together. I fell apart.
You are Creator. You understand my heart.
Man is prone to wander. I feel it everyday.
Put me back together. Won't you find a way.
If You are who You say You are, won't You be who You've always been to me?
Lord I crave for the real thing, just a taste.
You're something real in a world of fake.
Oh my sin of my heart. Begs for bread from a stone.
If You are who You say You are, can I live on words alone?
Tell me where's that hope and peace? Tell me where's that grace?
Words that heal this heart of mine. Lord, You found a way.
Bread of life. Light of the world.
Your home of rest, I may come in.
Good Shepherd. Resurrection Lamb.
The life, true vine.
You are my God. You have spoken.
You found a way. You are the way."

Just like Mufasa put Simba's heart back together, our Father can do the exact same thing for us when we are broken. Sometimes, it takes a friend's help. Do you have a Rafiki in your life? Better yet, are you someone else's Rafiki? Be a Rafiki in a Scar kind of world. I know it's hard, but it is what we are called to do. And if you feel like Simba right now, know that your heavenly Father loves you more than you can ever imagine. If you feel broken. If you feel lost. If you feel scared. He is there. All you have to do is look into the water and see the reflection. He lives in you. He wants you to remember who you are. He wants you to remember who he is. He wants you to remember that you are more than what you have become. He wants to remind you that you are His son. He wants you back. All you have to do is answer. It is time.

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me." John 10:27

More Heart. Less Attack.

"Do things for people not because of who they are or what they do in return, but because of who you are." -Mother Teresa

Take a deep breath.
Just breathe.
This is the moment you've waited your whole life for.
This is your day.
This is God's plan.

I'll never forget the way I felt standing behind the door with no one but my Dad beside me holding me up. It was mixed emotions. I was the happiest I had ever felt in my life, but at the same time I was so overwhelmed by emotion. As I looked at my Dad for the last time as a "Snapp", he said to me, "Are you ready Tash?" and I said "Ready as I'll ever be." and he said with a giggle, "Let's go then." As I walked down the aisle, all eyes were on me. That part was hard for me. I'm not a fan of being the center of everyone's attention. I always want to go back to the shy little girl who hid behind her Daddy's leg. However, I couldn't much do that. Instead, I looked up. I looked straight ahead. I looked into the eyes of the man that I would spend forever with, as my Dad "carried" me to the next chapter in my life.

 We are all searching for someone to take care of us. It doesn't matter how old we get, we always want to feel loved and cared for by someone. My whole life, I've been blessed. I've always had that. In fact, two of the biggest supporters in my life have always been my parents. They took care of me as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult, and as an old adult. So much so, that I feel like I owe them my life. They had a huge part in me becoming the person I am. The good. The bad. The in between. It's me. And I owe most of it to them. I have my Mom's neck. I have my Dad's nose. I have my Mom's taste in music. I have my Dad's taste in food. I have my Mom's spunk. I have my Dad's sweetness. I have my Mom's forgiving spirit. I have my Dad's sensitivity. I have my Mom's gift of giving. I have my Dad's gift of spreading the Word. I have my Mom's heart. I have my Dad's love. They did their best to teach me what is right and what is wrong. For the most part, they were successful. They were the ones who taught me who Jesus is. They were the ones who always made sure I was in church. I was saved on October 17, 1993 and my biggest fan was right beside me, my Mom! I'm thankful to have such great parents in my life. Especially now that I've realized that not everyone is that lucky.

I went straight from two great parents, to having just as great a husband. He takes care of me. He has that gift. He's always taken care of someone his whole life. I'm thankful he chose me to take care of for the rest of his life. He has such a big heart and words can't express how blessed I feel to be the one holding that big heart of his. He is my life. We love each other more and more every day. My favorite part of our wedding day, we did what is called a "Cross Ceremony". It takes the place of the "Unity Candle". The outer part of the cross represents the man. The head of the household. The inside part of the cross represents the woman. Who is protected by the outer shield. The cross had three "nails" that held it together. We had Haylie do that part to show she helps hold us together. Matthew 18:20 says, "For where two or more are gathered, I am their in their midst." Dustin and I have always put God first in our lives, and we promised to put Him first always in our marriage. He and I do a Bible Study every night before bed. A lot of people don't know that about us. We have done that for over a year now and it's something that I always look forward to. On Sunday nights, we share a song with each other that has spoken to us in some way during our week. We talk. We laugh. We cry. We get to know each other on a deeper level. It's my favorite part of my week.

One of my very favorite songs in the world is called "More Heart. Less Attack" by NEEDTOBREATHE. The lyrics are ones that I pray everyday. They describe how I want to be. The person I long to be. The person my parents taught me to be. The person God made me. The person Dustin fell in love with. I've always been told that I'm very kind hearted. I try to look out for people. I try to be the nicest person I can be. I try to make sure people are happy. I try to put others before myself. As you read these song lyrics, know that it describes the person I try my best to be. Who I am meant to be. Who I strive to be. Who I can't always be.

"Be the light in the cracks, be the one who's mending the camel's back.
Slow to anger and quick to laugh. Be more heart and less attack.
Be the wheels not the track. Be the wanderer that's coming back.
Leave the past right where it's at. Be more heart and less attack.
The more you take the less you have. 'Cause it's you in the mirror that's starin' back.
Quick to let go, slow to react. Be more heart and less attack.
Ever growing steadfast. And if need be, the one that's in the gap.
Be the never turning back. Twice the heart any man could have.
Be the wheels not the track. Be the wanderer that's coming back.
Leave the past right where it's at. Be more heart and less attack.
I stuck my hat out, I caught the rain drops.
I drank the water. I felt my veins pop.
I'm nearly sanctified. I'm nearly broken.
I'm down the river, I'm nearly open.
I'm down the river, to where I'm going."

I used that song in my wedding to seat the mothers and grandmothers. I chose it for a few reasons. I wanted to have a NEEDTOBREATHE song in my wedding, I wanted to always think of my wedding every time I hear it, and I knew the words would always be the ones I go to when I need to be brought back down a notch. The long and short of it is, God wants us to be his children. To love like He loved. To allow Him to do our fighting for us. To be that ONE that everyone talks about. The giver. The lover. The joy. So take that heart that God gave you and put it to good use. Especially in world we live in today. Be more heart. Be less attack.