Band-Aids Don't Fix Bullet Holes

"And when God opens this next door, you're going to understand why the enemy fought you so hard." -Unknown

A few weeks ago, TobyMac's facebook page shared the above quote on one of their daily "Speak Life" posts, and it nearly knocked me to the ground. Do you ever feel like the devil is inside of you? Like he just entered your body and took over your mind and thoughts? That's what I was feeling on the day I received the above quote on my Facebook time line. There have been way too many times when I have felt like I'm constantly fighting the devil from something. It's easier than we think for us to allow him inside. Most of the time, for me, it happens without me even realizing it. Whenever it happens, I feel like a different person. Not myself at all. Angry and easily irritated. Talking about things that don't matter. But the biggest thing that the devil does to me, is what would hurt the most. Bringing up the past. It's not always my past mistakes either. Actually, it's rarely my past mistakes. This time, it was my past hurts. My past that I thought I had healed from and moved on from.

One of the toughest hurts in the world is a broken relationship. Now, when I say broken relationship, I know everyone automatically thinks of a romantic relationship. That's not the kind I'm speaking of right now. Any type of a relationship can become broken at any moment. We, as humans, have all different types of relationships in our lives. For example, I am a child of God. I am a wife. I am a step-mom. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a daughter-in-law. I am a sister-in-law. I am an aunt. I am a cousin. I am a co-worker. I am an employee. It seems like there is one I am missing..... oh yeah. I am a friend. While I know all of these things are true, when the devil gets in me, he makes me think that I don't live up to all of these wonderful titles.

I honestly believe that God puts certain people in our lives at the times that we need them. I also believe that God may have a plan for us to not always need them. I know because I have experienced it. Sadly, there are people who leave our lives for a reason. The last thing God wants us to do is run after them. Which brings me to another quote I came across on my Facebook time line.

"When God shows you it's time to let someone go and you refuse to, He will allow the person to hurt you to the point you have no choice but to let go." -Unknown

Which is exactly what happened to me. Which is exactly what the devil kept reminding me of over and over again the past few weeks. I have a few friendships that have ended horribly. One of them was a childhood friendship. The other.... the other one was the greatest friendship I ever had with someone other than my husband or my Mom. She was more like my sister than my best friend. There wasn't anything she didn't know about me. I don't want to dwell too deep into it, mainly because it still hurts to even think about it. My point I want to make with this is, there was a reason that God didn't want these friendships to continue for me. I may not know why, but I know that it was in His will for my life.

So... as I'm in the middle of the devil's scheming, I hear a song. I was on my way to work one morning and I heard a song I hadn't heard in a while. It was by Zach Williams and it's called "Under My Feet". Here are some of the lyrics.

"You might not recognize me now.
Those chains that once surrounded me are layin on the ground.
You can't keep digging up my past.
You may have had a laugh or two but you won't get the last.
You might not recognize me now.

If you want scars I'll show you scars.
All the wounds upon the hands of light that pierced in the dark.
If I were you I'd be afraid.
'Cause everything you meant for guilt the cross has met with grace.

Maybe I was blind but now I see, maybe I was bound but now I'm free,
Maybe you need remindin' you're under my feet.
Maybe you're a lie that I don't need, maybe you should listen when I speak,
Maybe you need remindin' you're under my feet.

I think it's time you meet my maker, I think it's time you meet my maker.
I think it's time that you remember, I think it's time that you remember.

And maybe this is where we say farewell, maybe you should get on back to hell,
Maybe you need remindin' you're under my feet."

As I was driving and singing this song with tears in my eyes, I suddenly realized what had happened. He had done it again. Satan, I mean. He knows exactly how to get us. That's why he is our number one enemy. He is our bad blood. The good news is, there is a blood that covers all of our sins. So much so that we don't need that bad blood to flow through our veins any longer.

One of the most misinterpreted bible verses ever has to be Matthew 5:38 which says: "You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury; 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.'"
Now, if we leave it at that, it tells us that if someone wrongs you, then you repay it with a wrong to them. How many times have you heard someone say, "Well the bible says an eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth."? This is one of those things that bothers me and makes me think that people actually think it's what it means. Or that's what they want it to mean. However, when you read verse 39 you realize that's actually NOT what it says, or what it means. It goes on to say, "But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also." In other words, it doesn't do us any good to hurt someone who has hurt us. We simply turn the other cheek to them, and let it go. Easier said than done, I know. From personal experience, I know.

So, how exactly is that accomplished? One word. Forgiveness. Nelson Mandela said, "When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive." We have to take the old saying to heart, What Would Jesus Do? I know that Jesus got mad. Jesus got hurt. Jesus was betrayed by people He thought were His friends. Jesus fought the Enemy. Correction. Jesus FIGHTS the Enemy on a daily basis. All we have to do is trust Him. Give Him your hurts. Your battles. No matter what you think you know, I can tell you this. My God will CRUSH Satan and keep him under your feet. At all times. Read that again for me. At ALL times.

"The God of Peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. May the grace of our Lord Jesus be with you." Romans 16:20

Coming Out of the Dark

"I find your lack of faith disturbing." ~Darth Vader

Star Wars: A New Hope
A title of a very famous movie that was released in 1977. This was 3 years before I was even born. As a matter of fact, the sequel to this movie was The Empire Strikes Back and it was released the year I was born. I believe it was the #1 movie the day I was born, which makes sense. I'm not going to focus too much on the movies themselves, as I am on the quote and the title of Episode IV. Just to sum it up, Princess Leia obtains the schematics of the Death Star, which is designed to destroy. She then is forced to hide the plans because she is captured by Darth Vader. She hides the plans in R2-D2 who flees in an escape pod to Tatooine. There he finds Luke Skywalker. Luke finds the hidden holographic recording of Leia and she asks for the help of Obi-Wan Kenobi. Luke knows a Kenobi, his uncle Ben. Finally Ben reveals to Luke that he used to be a Jedi Knight, until they were wiped out by the Galactic Empire. Ben tells Luke his father also fought alongside of him, until Darth Vader murdered him. He also gives Luke his fathers light saber. Luke sets off to find and eventually rescue Leia from the Galactic Empire. In her hidden message that was stored in R2-D2, she said "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."

What is your only hope? Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever taken the title of a movie and turned it into something deeper? That's exactly what I have done here. With the Corona Virus being the death star, The Devil being Darth Vader and Obi-Wan being Jesus. Now the end is in sight and the new hope is here. No matter how dark things can get, there is always a light waiting for us. There have been many dark times in my life. I can think of probably 10 just off the top of my head. But, as long as I kept one thing, I knew the light would return. That one thing? Hope.

There is a song by Michael W. Smith that has really brought me through some trying times. One of the hardest times of my life was dealing with my Dad's second stroke. This song brought me through it. A whole lot of tears have been shed while listening to this song and here are the lyrics.

"My hope has found it's resting place
And I'll search no more.
My hope has found it's resting place
And I'll search no more.
My hope has found it's anchor safe
And Your rock it holds.
My hope has found it's anchor safe
And Your rock it holds.
Even the darkness is light to You.
Even the darkness is light to You.
It's hard to believe it, but You say that it's true.
Even the darkness is light to You.
If I made my bed in the depths
If I rise on the wings of the morning.
Through the farthest horizon You're there.
You will find me, You will find me.
Even my darkness is light to You.
Even my darkness is light to You.
From the deepest of depths to the stars up above.
There is no way I could escape Your steadfast love.
It's hard to believe it but You say that it's true.
Even my darkness is light to You."

With all the darkness that has surrounded us all the past few months, I know we are all excited to see the light again. To be able to fully live again with our own free will. The thing about it is, God knew this was going to happen. Maybe God wants us to have more hope. More trust in Him. More love for Him. More.....time. More time for Him. More time for us. For each other. For family. I know that I have learned a few things during this time. First and foremost, I don't do well when I can't see Haylie. We went for 52 days without seeing her. Without touching her. Without hugging her. Without seeing her face. I still get emotional when I think about it. Last weekend, on May 8th, I saw her again. I touched her again. I hugged her again. For about 5 minutes straight I didn't let go of her. For whatever reason, God didn't make me a birth Mom. It's something that I haven't really ever understood. However, He did allow me to be a Bonus Mom. A Step-Mom. He gave me a Mother's heart. I love both of my girls just like they are my very own. My heart beats for them. On Saturday, we celebrated Mother's Day for me. We ate whatever I wanted and spent time together watching a show that Haylie and I both wanted to watch. The highlight of that day came in a spontaneous trip to Dunkin' Donuts. Our FAVORITE! Haylie and I got in the car and drove a half an hour away just to get a cup of coffee. It was the best hour of the whole weekend. Just talking to her and catching up. Listening to her favorite singer on the way home. My heart felt so full. And in that moment I knew that I never want to go 52 days without hugging her ever again.

"We shine like stars in a dark world." Philippians 2:15

Another thing I have learned about myself during all of this is that I seem to trust God more during trying times. I have honestly prayed more, read more, listened to more music and been way more in tune with my spiritual self through this whole thing. I keep trying my best to find the good in everything. Things have kind of all blended together so I can't remember exactly when it was, but our local hospital had a prayer night. They put it on facebook and said that anyone who wanted to come at a certain time to be there. Dustin and I went and it was one of the most amazing things I've ever been a part of. There wasn't an empty parking space at the hospital. They had a speaker set up playing worship music and the girl that headed it up said a few words and prayed. Turns out, she was a nurse from our local hospital. Everyone sat there somehow together. In unison. And we all wanted the same things. We sat in our cars and honked the horns instead of saying "amen" and had our flashers on to "praise and worship". It was an amazing experience and it's something I'll never forget. One last thing that I have learned about myself during this, Jeremy Camp's words and music has been a true God send through all this. One of his new songs, Out of My Hands, was the thing that kept me going when all I could think about was not seeing Haylie. Here are the lyrics.

"Everyday this never ending pressure
Tries to take it's claim over my heart.
I have tried to hold it all together
But time and time again I fall apart.
But that's where I find my life was never mine at all
You are the One inside, always in control.
Letting go of worries I can't messure
Holding on to truth that's healing me.
Knowing I can trust You is a treasure
With eyes wide open, now I finally see.
It's here that I find my life was never mine at all
You're still the One inside, always in control.
So when it feels like all of this pain is never gonna end.
Brought to my knees by all of these things I don't understand, don't understand.
I will let the weight of my fear fall like sand.
Out of my hands and into Yours, Out of my hands and into Yours.
Take this out of my hands, take this out of my hands.
There's nothing that You can't handle
God You are strong enough.
Only You can take this out of my hands.
You're greater than all my sorrows
Worthy of all my trust.
Thank you Lord, that this is out of my hands. Out of my hands."

Sometimes when I doubt God, I can hear Him say to me through His Darth Vader mask, "I find your lack of faith disturbing." There are many times when I do have a lack of faith. It's really easy to have doubt especially in trying times such as these. But, what we have to do is simply trust Him. He knew this was all going to happen before it ever came. Rest in knowing that. Rest in knowing that He was prepared for the Death Star to try and destroy His people. He also knew that all of his Prince and Princesses would find a way to conquer. Take up your "light saber" and follow Him no matter what darkness you go through. Use the "light saber" to light your way. In the end, as we all know, we will find and experience A New Hope.

Nahum 1:7
The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in Him.

Ma-ma-ma-my CORONA!

At the beginning of this year, I was brainstorming a new blog. The title was going to be: Coming Out of the Dark. I was going to talk about a new year, and how excited I was to see it arrive. I was going to talk about Star Wars: A New Hope and I even had the songs and Bible verses picked out. I never got around to writing it, and now this. I can still write the blog, however it won't have the same title, and it definitely won't be about how excited I am to be here in 2020. In fact, maybe I'll just save those words for a later time. A time when we will be ready to see a new hope come into our country.

I don't remember what day it actually was when I began to feel the panic along with everyone else. I remember on March 11th, I texted my husband to ask him about going to see a movie that I couldn't wait to see. The movie is called "I Still Believe" and it's based on the book by my favorite Christian artist, Jeremy Camp. It was being released on March 13th, however a theater in Lexington had it early. On Thursday March 12th, my husband and I drove to Lexington in the pouring rain to see this movie. I left the theater feeling refreshed. Feeling hopeful. Knowing God is always in control. We went from the theater into Meijer just to pick up a t-shirt that my husband had wanted. I remember thinking how crazy it was that everyone in Meijer had their buggy's as full as they would go. Toilet Paper, Paper Towels, massive amounts of water and two liter's of pop, frozen pizza and other frozen foods. I looked at them, and then I looked at us. Here we were standing in line to check out with only a t-shirt in our hands. It was then that I wondered if the world had just gone crazy.

The next day after work, my husband picked up Haylie in Crittenden as usual. We found out that her school had cancelled for the next three weeks, so we were keeping her a few days extra after the weekend. We had planned on celebrating Haylie's birthday over the weekend so we had been looking forward to it. On Saturday, we took her to eat at Olive Garden followed by Dunkin Donuts. Her choice. I remember how crazy it was to go to Olive Garden and go right in without a wait. I remember thinking that there weren't many people in there and the crowd at the mall looked to be down as well. It was our last meal we were able to eat in a restaurant. The next day, we went to my Mom's house to celebrate Haylie one more time. I remember us thinking about how much toilet paper we had left and when we would need to start searching for it. I remember us talking about how crazy everything was and did we really need to panic?

March 17th, 2020. The last day we saw Haylie. Had I fully known on this day what was coming, I would have played it out completely different. I got home from work, and was able to say bye to Haylie for about 15 minutes. I remember we talked about her taking some stuff from her room home to her mom's. Dustin left the decision up to me. I figure that she is at her Mom's a lot more than she is at our house, and if there is something that she wants to take from her room here to the one at her Mom's, then I'll almost always say yes. It's hers, and I'm sure she wants it to be where she can use it the most. I'm so thankful I made that decision. She hugged me tight and thanked me for letting her take it. When they were headed out the door, she turned around and came and hugged me again. That was the last time I saw her. That was the last time I hugged her. The last time I kissed her forehead. After she left, I went to the kitchen and noticed the fridge. She had spelled out my name on the front of the fridge with magnets. My heart melted and I smiled. Longing for the next weekend she would come over. However, that weekend never came.

That night, I heard a song. Brand new lyrics by none other than Jeremy Camp. He woke up that morning, wrote this song, then sang it to the world on Facebook live. It's called "Whatever May Come" and I have listened to it at least once a day ever since the day he sang it. Here are the lyrics:

"Whatever I face, Whatever the fear
Whatever the cost, You always draw near
Whatever the pain, Whatever may come
Whatever may fall, Your love overcomes
I will Call, I will call upon You
Whatever I face You are with me
I will fall, I will fall on my knees
For every heart break You will hold me
Every wall will break, All the darkness shake
All the joy will be renewed
So every knee let's bow, raise a victory shout
For the King will make things new
Every mountain moved, every lie be loosed
For Your banner we're lifting high
I will call, I will call upon You
Whatever I face You are with me
I will fall, I will fall on my knees
For every heart break, You will hold me"

Little did I know the impact this song would have on me over the following days. The words were exactly what I was needing to stay sane. To not join the panic. To not freak out and let fear set in. John 14:27 says: "Peace I leave with you. My Peace. Don't let your hearts be troubled, neither let it be fearful." Peace. What is peace anyway? Have we all forgotten what peace really means? It seems that the more I have the TV on, the more fearful I get. The media has a way of getting to you. No matter the situation, the media gets you right where they want you. Right now, the world is living in fear.

The next weekend we would have had Haylie would have been March 27th. However, all the parents agreed that it was best that we didn't transport her back and forth for her safety. Haylie has asthma, and none of us wanted to chance anything happening to her. I missed her, but I knew it was for the best.

Now, because of me going to see the movie, I Still Believe, right before everything got crazy, I was (and still am) only listening to Jeremy Camp's music. This has been my saving grace through this whole thing. I get songs stuck in my head all the time and one day as I was walking into work thinking about everything going on, these words rang in my head. The lyrics to "Same Power"...

"I can see waters raging at my feet
I can feel the breath of those surrounding me
I can hear the sound of nations rising up
we will not be overtaken we will not be overcome
I can walk down this dark and painful road
I can face every fear of the unknown
I can hear all God's children singing out
We will not be overtaken we will not be overcome
We have hope that His promises are true
In His strength there is nothing we can't do
Yes we know there are greater things in store
We will not be overtaken we will not be overcome"

But, the part that really got me.... This.

"The same power that rose Jesus from the grace
The same power that commands the dead to wake
Lives in us. Lives in us.
The same power that moves mountains when He speaks
The same power that can calm a raging sea
Lives in us. Lives in us.
Greater is He that is living in me
He's conquered our enemy
No power of darkness
No weapon prevails
We stand here in victory."

My thoughts? If the same power that moves mountains when He speaks lives in us, then what's to stop us from moving some mountains? What's to keep us from conquering this enemy that is trying it's best to destroy us right now? If we could all come together and proclaim that God is God and believe that He can move the mountains and that He will move the mountains, why wouldn't He? Inside me. He lives there. His power lives there. If we could just stop listening to the media for one minute, and come together as believers. Allow Him to move mountains. Allow Him to calm this raging sea. Like we KNOW that He can.

April 7, 2020. My Meltdown. At this point, it had been 21 days since I had seen, touched or hugged Haylie. It had been 23 days since I had seen, touched or hugged my Mom or Dad. And I just plain lost it. It was almost 10pm that night and I just couldn't do it anymore. I started screaming and crying. I couldn't stop the pain. I was so frustrated with the fact that my family had been following the orders from the governor and president, yet other people weren't. I couldn't wrap my head around what the difference was in seeing my family and going to work to see people I work with. I was wondering why this had to happen in the middle of Hannah and Nick trying to plan the greatest day of their lives. I was struggling big time. I kept wondering why we had to have a court order to cross state lines to see Haylie. I didn't sleep well that night, but I prayed a lot. I asked God to please make this be over so that I can hug my baby girl again. I would give anything to see her from across the room. Just to be in the same room with her. I would give anything to take this away so that she would be here with us. I would give anything for this to be over so that Hannah can plan what needs to be planned without any questions. My heart is just broken for these reasons. Reasons that I don't have any control over. I prayed for these reasons. My heart is always broken for the same reasons... other people. People that I love and would give my life for.

The next day when I got up, I was still pretty emotional. I saw that Jeremy Camp was hosting a night of prayer and worship on Facebook that night and I discussed watching it with my husband before I left for work. My Mom posted something on my wall on Facebook and it reminded me that I can't let the enemy win. It was from TobyMac's facebook page and it was meme that said: "today the devil whispered in my ear 'you are not strong enough to withstand the storm.' I whispered '6 feet back satan'." I got in my car to head to work and I turned on my JC (Jeremy Camp) playlist on my phone for the drive as I do every morning. It's amazing how God works. Here are the titles to the songs that played that day on my drive to work: 1. He Knows 2. Out of My Hands 3. The Answer 4. Same Power 5. Whatever May Come    God speaks to me most through music, and He knew exactly the words I needed to hear that day. That night, I came home and I listened to the prayer and worship with Jeremy and Adie Camp. My heart praised and worshiped the whole time. I had tears streaming down my face. All the while knowing that God is in control.

On my drive to work on Friday, which happened to be Good Friday, something hit me. The line in the song "Whatever May Come" that says "For the King will make things new". That's it. Isn't that what we all know? Isn't that what we all are longing for? In this time, are you growing? Are you allowing God to use you? Give God your whole heart and ask Him to use it. I truly believe that God will get all of us through this time. He will move mountains, he will calm the raging seas. Hasn't He proved that He can? He's already done these things before. My "go to" song has been "Do It Again" for some time now. It's a song for every season. You can listen when you are happy and praise Him. Or you can listen when you are sad or afraid and believe in Him. Here are some of the lyrics.

"I've seen You move, You move the mountains
And I believe I'll see You do it again.
You made a way when there was no way
And I believe I'll see You do it again.
You're promise still stands, Great is Your faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands, this is my confidence
You never failed me yet."

He will not fail us. He will protect us. He will make a way. He will move the mountains. TobyMac said, "In the darkest times of your life, your praise to God should be the loudest. Let the enemy know you're not afraid of the dark." Proclaim it right now, you are not afraid, because Your God is bigger than any virus anyone could come up with. He is bigger than anything you face. And He WILL make things new.

Revelation 21:4-5
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.

Oh Come Let Us Adore Him

"Maybe Christmas" he thought. "Doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas... Perhaps... Means a little bit more!" ~ Dr. Seuss

My very favorite time of the year is Thanksgiving Day through the end of the year. It's the best time of year because of the feeling I have in my heart. That... Christmas feeling. I long for it every day of the year and when it's finally here, I act like a kid again. I'm not sure where it comes from exactly, but I think I get it from my Mom. She's always loved Christmas. Mostly because she wanted it to be special for my brother and I. She made sure of that. And now, I do the same thing for my girls. And my Mom, being the very special Mom that she is, still makes sure that it's special for us.

There's just something about this time of year. We grow up hearing about this jolly, happy, soul, who delivers gifts to all the kids all over the world in one night. And if you are good, you get what you ask for. I know that Christmas has become more and more commercialized over the years, however I still love the idea of teaching our kids of this fictional character. Do we lie to our kids? Yes. Is it teaching our kids something other than the true meaning of Christmas? Yes. Wait... Or is it? As long as I can remember, I was in church. My Dad was a Pastor and I grew up in church my entire life. So, my parents taught me the true meaning of Christmas. They also taught me who Santa is. I wouldn't want it any other way. But what if we taught our children the true meaning of Christmas through Santa? What if God placed Santa in Christmas all those years ago to be a witness? After all, aren't we supposed to GIVE to others? Aren't we REWARDED for the good things we do on earth? Is it possible that Santa is really Jesus in disguise?

I remember when I was in my early 20's I was a youth leader at my church and I was over the Junior High kids. I remember at Christmas, God revealed something to me to share with those kids that I have thought of every single Christmas since then. When I was working on my lesson for my youth kids one night before Christmas, it hit me. Christmas is when we celebrate Jesus's birthday. Now, when it's my birthday, I get presents from those who love me. On Christmas, I get presents from those who love me, yet it's not my birthday, it's Jesus's birthday. Jesus loves us so much, that He wants us to receive gifts on His birthday. And He wants us to be reminded of the greatest gift of all. The day He died for our sins. So, my next thought process is this. What can WE do for Him on His birthday? It's simple. Just two little words is all we have to do. Adore Him.

So many Christmas songs have such heartfelt and deep lyrics. There are so many easy ways to give back to Jesus. Find a good Christmas song and sing the lyrics as loud as you can in your car. Sing the lyrics at church with a group. Go Christmas Caroling and share those lyrics with others. That's really all He wants from us. For us to Adore Him. I want to share the lyrics to a song that I shared with the youth after my lesson that night. It's called "I Won't Forget This Christmas" by Plus One.

"What if there was no manger. No wise men. No Savior.
Just another day in December.
I'd be hopeless, Oh, so hopeless.
But on that day with the angels watching, creation waiting.
You came as a baby.
Like an echo across the world, a cry was heard, and changed everything.
So I won't forget this Christmas, that I am nothing without You.
Oh, You are the star that guides my heart.
I won't forget this Christmas.
Should I get distracted, bring me back to what matters.
All the presents they, they will fade away.
You are forever. Oh, You're forever.
Nothing compares to the gift You gave, my life You saved.
And so I promise You.
I won't forget this Christmas, that I am nothing without You.
You are the star that guides my heart.
I won't forget this Christmas."

My favorite cartoon character is Linus Van Pelt from Peanuts. I especially love the Christmas episode. It will always be something I watch every year no matter what. I am sure most of you know what I'm referring to. A frustrated Charlie Brown asks if anyone can tell him the real meaning of Christmas. Linus, who is never seen without his blue blanket, steps up and tells the story found in Luke chapter 2.

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shown round about them; and they were afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not; for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men."

Now, everyone knows that Linus never lets go of his blanket. It's a security for him. However, when he steps up to read this story, he drops his blanket. He doesn't need his security anymore because He is speaking of his Savior. We all have those insecurities in life that make us hold on to things. But, we don't have to. That baby that was born that day, we belong to Him! That same baby who lived only 33 years on earth before dying for our sins, we belong to Him! And we should do nothing less but ADORE HIM every single day of our life. And to quote my little buddy Linus, "That's what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown."

 2019 was a hard year for me. But I'm still here, by nothing but the grace of God. I know why I'm still standing and I acknowledge it. I know that Christmas Feeling that I spoke of earlier can be there all the time. It's not about the gifts that are under the tree, it's about the ones who are around it. Make sure you remember that this Christmas and every day of the year. Christmas is about so much more than the commercialized side of it. So, this Christmas when you are buying gifts for the ones you love, ADORE HIM. While you wrap those gifts and put them under your tree, ADORE HIM. While you are in line at Wal-Mart, ADORE HIM. While you cook that wonderful meal for your family, ADORE HIM. While you are spending time with those you love this Christmas, ADORE HIM. Because it really is all because of HIM.

"Oh come let us adore him, Oh come let us adore him, Oh come let us adore him, Christ the Lord."

I'm a Survivor

"Just when we think we've figured things out, the universe throws us a curveball. So, we have to improvise. We find happiness in unexpected places. We find our way back to the things that matter the most. The universe is funny that way. Sometimes it just has a way of making sure we wind up exactly where we belong." Meredith Grey

I heard a song from my past the other day, and it brought back a lot of memories. It's one of those songs that make you feel better after you crank it up and sing it as loud as you can in your car on the way home from work. This song is an older song, so I've done this many times in my life. It's called "Survivor" and it's by a girl group called "Destiny's Child". You may have heard of them. If not, I know you've heard of the lead singer, Beyoncé. When this song first came out, I loved it for the beat and for this one line in it that still remains my favorite line in the song. I don't know if you have heard it or not, but if you haven't, and you feel like you need to scream about any situation that you have made it through, look it up.

The devil sure has a good way of bringing us down, doesn't he? I truly believe that he is the culprit of all things bad. Sometimes, it's hard to get rid of him once we've let him in. Once we've allowed him to come into our hearts and lives. Once we've listened to his lies about how awful our life is. I read a quote on Facebook the other day, and it reminded me of who is in control. No matter how much we let the devil into our hearts, there is only One who can defeat him. Here is the quote. "You are going to make it. You and your family will be just fine. Just stand and let God fight this battle." How comforting is it to know that God will take on all of our battles?

It's been a while since my last blog. And I feel it. By that, I mean, it helps me to write. It's the thing that helps me heal. But the thing is, I haven't been ready to truly heal until recently. Psalms 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Needless to say, I am the perfect example of a brokenhearted, crushed spirit. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but ever since I lost my job at the beginning of the year, that's pretty much how I've felt. And it wasn't until very recently that I have "felt" like starting the healing process. When I was a teen, my youth minister said something to me that I'll never forget. "It's not about the feelings anymore, it's about the facts." The fact is, If I hadn't let my feelings take me over, I would have healed a long time ago. Psalms 73:26 says "My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever." Even David was broken. More than once. So anytime I'm broken, I go to Psalms. It's the most comforting book in the Bible simply because David is brokenhearted and is seeking comfort from God, mostly through song. Which brings me to the song that brought me here. The song that pushed my heart into "unbrokenness" mode. It's called "Do It Again" by Elevation Worship. Here are the lyrics.

"Walking around these walls, I thought by now they'd fall.
But You have never failed me yet.
Waiting for change to come, knowing the battle's won.
For Your have never failed me yet.
Your promise still stands, great is Your faithfulness.
I'm still in Your hands, this is my confidence, You've never failed me yet.
I know the night won't last, Your word will come to pass.
My heart will sing Your praise again.
Jesus You're still enough, keep me within Your love.
My heart will sing Your praise again.
I've seen You move, You move the mountains.
And I believe You'll do it again.
You made a way, where there was no way.
And I believe I'll see You do it again."

Forgiveness is the solution to everything. Once you can make it to the spot where you can forgive someone who has wronged you, that's when you are a survivor. The "feeling" that forgiveness gives you is like no other. But do you know why? Because the "fact" is, we have been forgiven for so much more. So why is it so hard for us to forgive? Especially when we know it's the right thing to do. Especially when we do, everything else seems to fall into place. I have a forgiveness story that brought me to this very moment. However, it's pretty personal, so I don't want to share it on here. I never dreamed that a simple story of forgiveness would bring me to a much deeper place where forgiveness is needed in my heart. I'm still working on that forgiveness, and in the process of forgiving, the healing will come. There is a wonderful quote by Mother Theresa that I try to live my life by. I have read it too many times to count. Here is what it says:

"People are often unreasonable and self centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

As for the line in the song "Survivor" that has always been my favorite? Well, it's simple. "I'm wishing you the best, pray that you are blessed. Bring much success, no stress and lots of happiness. You know I'm not gonna diss you on the internet, 'cause my Mama taught me better than that." God has never failed me yet. And I do believe He will continue to move mountains. He's always faithful. So, if we can just move forward and not look back. If we can take the curveball and hit it out of the park. If we can focus on the things that matter the most. If we can let go and let God. That's when we truly become a survivor.

"Love is the only thing that matters." ~Jack Pearson (This Is Us)

The Right Kind of Love

"Storms make trees take deeper roots." -Dolly Parton

January 9, 2019
The date of my interview in Frankfort at the Circuit Clerk's Office

January 30, 2019
The date of my last entry.

January 31, 2019
The date I received a phone call and set up an interview at the School.

February 4, 2019
The date of my interview at the School.

February 5, 2019
The date everything changed.

I remember getting the phone call. It was  a girl named Whitney, and she wanted to set up an interview with me at the Franklin County Circuit Clerk's Office. We set it up for January 9th at 1:30 pm. That date was going to be my second day without a job. I remember it was a cold day out and I had a horrible cough starting. I prayed hard about this job. I wasn't sure if it was the right one for me, I just knew that it would be familiar to me. It would be something I was used to. I prayed so hard because I didn't know if God wanted me to be in the same type of environment I had been in for the past 16 years. With the experience I had, I figured if I didn't get it, I wouldn't pursue anything like it again. I went to the interview and I had made a special playlist to listen to on the way. I felt good going into it. I was there for about 30 minutes and I thought it went well. However, I kept second guessing why I didn't mention this or that. I kept thinking "I should have said this for that question". They told me before I left that they would make a decision by the end of the next week. The whole next week came and went and I didn't hear a thing. I was upset. I was depressed. But I knew God was in control so I tried not to panic. About a week and a half later, I received a letter in the mail telling me that I didn't get the job. So, I moved on in my job search. Away from the court of justice.

The very next day, I received a phone call from Scott County Schools to set up an interview. I was really excited about this one. They set the interview up for February 4th at 11:40am. Again, I did the same routine. I prayed really hard and listened to a whole lot of music. I even had Dustin "fake interview" me the say before so I would be prepared to talk good about myself. I went to the interview and I presented the best version of me I ever have. Again, the interview lasted about 30 minutes and I left feeling really good about it. Again, she told me she would know by the end of the week. I felt really positive the whole time about this one. I kept thinking this was it. This was the one God wanted for me. I just knew it.

Fast forward literally 24 hours. I get a phone call. It was Franklin County Circuit Clerk, Amy Feldman. She was calling to..... what? Offer me a job? I was stunned by her phone call. So stunned that I can't even remember what exactly I said to her. So stunned that I decided to send her an email almost immediately after I talked to her. She told me that she had another opening and that she would let me know for sure once the position was approved if I was interested. The next 24 hours were dedicated to nothing but prayer and meditation for me. I didn't know when she would contact me, but I knew I needed to be ready. I also knew that I had another interview the next day so I had to be prepared for that as well. That next morning, I woke up and started to get ready for my interview. I got on my phone before getting in the shower, and I checked my email. Sure enough, there was an email to me from Amy. She was telling me that she had the position approved and gave me an amount of money that I would make. I started to freak out a little. I had an interview in less than two hours and I had this decision to make. Do I still go to the interview? Should I wait to hear from the school? Do I accept the position in Frankfort? I was so torn. I had no idea what to do.

I always listen to music when I'm in the shower, so I turned it on shuffle. I have a Jeremy Camp play list, so his was the one I picked. As I hit the shuffle button, I said out loud right before I stepped into the shower, "Come on Jeremy. Sing a song that's gonna speak to me." The first song that played was "I Know You're Calling" and here are some of the words:

"A broken image is sometimes what I see, but the hand that made me is the hand that won't leave me. You've begun a good work that only has begun, and You always lead me, lead me to Your Son. What I want to know everything You are. What I want to see Your will for me and I know You'll show me. Another day I can spend with You, You turn the pages telling me what to do. And when I feel like I want to fall again, You always lead me well You lead me to Your hand. And I know You're calling, I see Your arms stretched wide. And I feel You drawing, drawing me back again."

True story. If that wasn't my answer, I don't know how else He could've spelled it out to me. I got out of the shower and I responded to Amy's email and accepted the position. She responded and asked me to start on February 18, 2019. I was only without a job for about a month and a half. God was so good to me. Ironically enough, I went to see Jeremy Camp in concert the weekend after I got the job. I ended up meeting him afterwards. Another one of those God moments in my life. I got to meet my favorite male singer who's song played such a big part in me finding my place in life again. The quieter you become, the more you can hear. God wants nothing more than for us to seek Him and hear His voice. To find in Him that perfect love we all are longing for.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, I was given the opportunity to become a back up leader in our small group. So whenever the leader is gone, I lead the bible study that we do. I've been able to do that three times now, and I am really blessed by it. I've been able to tell stories and share God moments with people that I love. One of the things I usually focus on is being upset with God that my Dad had a stroke. Last week, Luke Perry passed away from a massive stroke. It wasn't until Luke died from a stroke that I finally came to full peace with God about my Dad having a stroke. God used something that He knew I would be effected by, to show me that He loves me perfectly and would never do anything to make me question Him. It took Luke Perry dying of a stroke, for God to get through to me that He didn't allow my dad to have a stroke, He protected Him from dying of one. That really made me start thinking of all the blessings in my life. I've been more thankful the past week. I've been more thankful in my prayers.

Monday night I went with my mom to see our favorite band, NEEDTOBREATHE. The lead singer told the story about when he wrote the song "Wasteland". He said that he wrote it and wasn't too sure about it. He played it for his brother and his brother put in some more words to make the song whole. Then he said "You know, you think you know what a song is about until people start telling you stories about how the song has touched them. Once you start talking to those people, that's when you realize, it wasn't you who wrote the song." Here are some of the lyrics.

"I'm the first one in line to die when the cavalry comes. Yeah it feels like the great divide has already come. Yeah I'm wasting my way through days, losing youth along the way. Oh, if God is on my side, who can be against me? There was a greatness I felt for a while, and somehow it changed. Some kind of blindness I use to protect me from all of my stains. Yeah I wish this was vertigo, it just feels like I'm falling slow. Oh, if God is on my side, who can be against me? All of these people I meet, it seems like they're fine. Yeah in some ways I hope that they're not, and their hearts are like mine. Yeah, it's wrong when it seems like work. To belong, all I feel is hurt. Oh, if God is on my side, who can be against me? Yeah, in this wasteland where I'm livin', there is a crack in the door filled with light. And it's all that I need to get by. Yeah, in this wasteland where I'm livin', there is a crack in the door filled with light, and it's all that I need to shine."

What is light to you? What's that thing that allows you to see? For me, it's easy. God's love. There is no other kind of love in life that's like His. In honor of Luke Perry, I'll use a 90210 reference to describe it. It's the right kind of love. No more, no less. Can you get to that point where His love is all you need? Can you get to the point where His love is what keeps you going? Can you get to that point where His love is your light? John 1:5 says, "The light shines in the darkness, and he darkness has not overcome it." Can you get to the point where YOU are the light? Can you get to the point where YOU can hear HIS voice? Get there. It's an amazing place to be.

"Your voice is all I'm craving." -Jeremy Camp

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

"Sometimes it's that complete surrender, where we see that miracles happen." ~Chrissy Metz

Patience. It's a virtue. Or, so they say anyway. I'm not sure about you, but whenever I have to wait for something, I'm not very patient. If I'm at the Doctor's office, I sit there thinking "I was here on time, why haven't they called me yet?" Or if I'm at a busy restaurant, I look around thinking "Wasn't I here before them?". The thing about a restaurant is, usually you have to wait for a table, then you have to wait to order, then you have to wait for your food to come. This can make me very impatient at times if I'm very hungry. But all that stuff, is just that. Stuff. It doesn't amount to anything. Eventually you get in to see the doctor, and eventually you get to eat your food and you leave the restaurant feeling like you wished you hadn't ate so much. Real patience, that's the true test of life.

Last week, as I was sitting at home applying for jobs online non stop, I started to get anxious. I began to start my negative thinking. "What if I never get another job?" "What if the job I get is not what I want?" "What if I can't provide for my family as I have in the past?". Then, I glanced over on my living room table and looked at something that  has sat on the same living room table for about 10 plus years. When Hallmark was still around, I used to go there often. To say that I love Linus from Peanuts is a complete understatement. He is my all time favorite cartoon character and anytime he is on anything, I feel like I have to have it. No questions asked. Hallmark used to carry a bunch of the Peanuts trinkets, and I have most all of the Linus ones. I can't remember who gave me this particular one, but it's a washing machine and Snoopy is on top of the washer, and Linus is washing his blanket while sitting in front of the washer. The caption is simple. "The best things in life are worth waiting for." When I glanced over and read that, it hit me. Patience. I have to wait for the right thing to come along before I'll get the job. A day or so later, a friend of mine tagged me in a video of Tim Tebow on Facebook.

In the video Tim said, "I think that we all go through seasons in our lives and I just want to encourage you that the season isn't meaningless and it's not wasted, that there's a purpose and a plan for it. Doesn't mean that it's a fun season, 'cause we all go through tough seasons, but that God has a plan in that. And it might not be a season of reaping but it might be the season of sowing. And sowing in your heart so that one day you're ready for that season of reaping. And you're ready when God opens those doors for you, and He's doing something in your life that He's just saying, 'You know what? Just trust me because I'm preparing you for something awesome" I know that God used my friend to send that to me, and I know that God used Tim Tebow to speak to me because at that very moment, I wouldn't have listened to just anybody. It HAD to be Tim Tebow.

A few days after that  I was talking to my husband about my job search. He sort of got a little frustrated with me and he said something that shut me up. He said, "Natasha, you're NOT leaving it in God's hands." He was right. The reason that I shut up, is because it was my husband who said it. About 6 and a half years ago, I met my husband, and it's been the best years of my life. Regardless of anything life has brought us, I wouldn't trade my years with him for anything in the world. Before I met my husband, I thought that God intended for me to be alone. I was that girl who always watched the Nicholas Sparks love story wishing God would send me my very own Noah Calhoun (The Notebook). The last relationship I had prior to meeting my husband, was in 1999. I was 19 years old and I met my husband when I was 32. That's the prime years of falling in love and starting your own family. I tell you this because I was reminded of those years as soon as my husband said to me, "You're NOT leaving it in God's hands." I had all but given up on God sending me "the right one" to love me for the rest of my life. Then, God gave me the best man he ever created to love me. For the rest of my life. He sent me the epitome of Noah Calhoun. I waited a lot of years, but I would wait that many more if I knew I was getting him. So, what does this tell me? My husband was right. Just like the feeling I had that God had no man for me, I realized I had the same feeling about a job.

Fast forward a few more days.... I hear a song. A song I haven't heard in a while. A song by one of my favorites, Jeremy Camp.

"Lord help me now to face this battle
My strength has failed and my eyes can't see
Through the waves of doubt that take me under
In the chaos I hear You speak
You brought me rest in times of struggle
I lay my head down at Your feet
The storm in me that I can't wrestle
Is calmed when I hear You speak
Be still and know that You are my God
Be still and know that You are enough
Though my heart is racing still You're in control
Be still and know that You are my God"

Just as the great Psalmist David said in Psalms 31:14 "But I am trusting You, O Lord, saying "You are my God" I also came across this Psalm in the same day as I heard the song. Now, you try to convince me that God wasn't behind any of this. Patience. Be Still. It seems pretty simple. Today, I received a message from my Mom and it said "When it's not in God's time, you can't force it. When it is in God's time, you can't stop it." Read that again. I've read it about a thousand times since I got it. We all know that once we give God all control, that things fall into place. I know that God has the right job out there for me. One less stressful and one that I will enjoy. Possibly one that I can use towards His glory more than my previous job. I used to say how I just wanted to be able to say, "I love my job!" Maybe the next one, I will truly love with my whole heart. And I know God will give me that perfect job for me. Just like He gave me the Noah Calhoun I always wished for. God is good. Even in the waiting. Everything comes in His perfect time.

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2

It isn't in my blood

"I've got a theory that if you give 100% of the time, somehow things will work out in the end." ~Larry Bird

Have you ever just felt like giving up? I know that's kind of what they call a "stupid question". Everyone has felt that way at some point in their life. The sad thing is, some people feel that way more than others do. Some people just don't have a strong mind. A strong personality. A strong heart. I, Natasha Downs, am one of those people. Sometimes I think that I have such a big heart for others, that when it comes to taking care of myself, I just don't have it in me. I know that having a big heart for others is not a bad thing. Jesus had the biggest heart in the world for others. I just feel at times, that having a big heart for others makes it tough when I need to have a strong heart for myself. All that being said, I can honestly say, I have never once actually given up. No matter how much I've felt like it. As my youth minister told me, "It's not about the feelings anymore Natasha. It's about the facts." The inspiration for the title of this blog came to me a few weeks ago. My niece is a huge Shawn Mendes fan and I was looking him up to make sure she had my approval. After reading the lyrics to a song that he wrote, let's just say I approve 100%. God speaks to me through lyrics every single day. Sometimes, it's not a Christian song.  Here are some of the lyrics to In My Blood by Shawn Mendes.

"Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't.
It isn't in my blood.
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing.
I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something.
Keep telling me that it gets better, does it ever?
I'm looking through my phone again, feeling anxious.
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this.
I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh
is there somebody who could
Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't.
It isn't in my blood."

These particular words in this song really spoke to me. Why? Because it was exactly how I have been feeling over the past few months. There have been feelings of anxiety. Feelings of insecurity. Overwhelming feelings. There were times that I would ask Dustin if he was going to be home during lunch or even after work on time simply because I didn't want to be by myself. It felt like the whole world was saying to me, "It gets better.", not in so many words. Losing my job has really taken a toll on my heart. To say my heart is broken, is an understatement. However, my God is a God who heals. My God is the "somebody who could help me..." in this song. My God is the One who allowed me not to give up. This time, or any other time I have felt like it. How does He do that? One simple word. Faith. You've heard it said that faith can move mountains. Let me tell you something, it can. My faith has been stronger lately. Why? The heartbreak. The unknown. The uncertainty.

"You call me out upon the waters.
The great unknown, where feet may fail.
And there I find You in the mystery.
In oceans deep, my faith will stand.
And I will call upon Your name.
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace.
For I am Yours and You are mine.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters.
Your sovereign hand, will be my guide.
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me.
You've never failed and You won't start now.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders.
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,
and my faith will be made stronger,
in the presence of my Savior.
I will call upon Your name.
Keep my eyes above the waves.
My soul will rest in Your embrace.
I am Yours and You are mine."

Some of the purest, most peaceful, lyrics I've ever heard in a song. This song has been my go to for the past week. It has the reminder of faith. Trust. Hope. Love. "But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13 No matter what comes my way, I know that God has got me. I know that He has a plan. And as I'm finally able to start the healing process, I couldn't be more thankful for the waves he wants me to ride. For it does one thing, makes my faith stronger. God has always been faithful. He's always been there. Always been my constant. There was another song that God spoke to me through about a week ago. It's what I like to call, a "conversation with God" song. It's by TobyMac. I'll write the lyrics in a way you can understand easily.

Me: Another heartbreak day. Feels like You're miles away.
Don't even need no shade, when your sun don't shine, shine.
Too many passin' dreams. Roll by like limousines.
It's hard to keep believin', when they pass you by and by.

God: I know your heart been broke again. I know your prayers ain't been answered yet.
I know you're feeling like you got nothing left, well lift your head, it ain't over yet, ain't over yet.
Move, keep walkin', soldier keep movin' on. Move, keep walkin' until the mornin' comes.
Move, keep walkin', soldier keep movin' on, and lift your head. It ain't over yet, ain't over yet.

I've had this conversation with God about a million and one times in my life. More so recently. I can't remember a time when I've felt this down. This angry. This heartbroken. This betrayed. However, as all of these songs have reminded me, God is on my side. No matter the mountain, God can move it. Which is why He wants me to keep movin' on. He has a reason for my heartbreak, and He will be there with me through the healing. I truly believe God made my heart into a giving heart. He gave it to me and told me to use it in every way possible. I feel like I have always done that. I always put others above myself. I always use my heart to show love to others, even the ones who are hard to love. I've used my heart through the words of all of my blogs, in hopes that it will reach someone. I give and give and give because it's in my nature. It's my gift. And no matter how much my heart gets broken in this life, I know that it will continue to give. Just like Larry Bird said, "if you give 100%, somehow things will work out in the end." God takes care of His faithful children. I plan to be God's girl until the day I stop breathing. I will continue to move on. I will continue to be amazed by Him and His unfailing love. I will continue to praise His name no matter how big the waves are He wants me to go through.  Just like Seventh Day Slumber reminds us, He makes oceans from the rain.

"And I'm amazed by You. Cause You're never far away.
And all that I've been through, Your love has never changed.
And nothing I've acquired means anything at all.
Cause you're everything I needed. You're so much more than I deserve.
You make oceans from the rain. Breathing life into this place.
And I will drown inside your love. Until I see your perfect face."

Tomorrow, I have a very important job interview. I am praying that it's the one God wants me to have. If not, I know He still has bigger and better things out there for me. I'm tired of being sad, and I'm ready to be hopeful. I'm ready for my faith to be put to the strongest test of it's life. I'm ready to be the strong hearted Christian that God made me. No more negativity. Tonight, I was reading in our book for our small group bible study. I came across a passage that really spoke to me, and I'm going to leave you with that, and a quote from Dabo Swinney, who just won the NCAA football championship last night. "To God be the Glory!"

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don't let my enemies gloat, saying, "We have defeated him!" Don't let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He is good to me. Psalms 13:1-6

Keep The Faith

"Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts." ~ Greg Behrendt

Have you ever had a broken heart? Who hasn't, right? There are so many different ways your heart can be broken. Most times, you get a broken heart from a break up. Then there is death. Then there is life. Then, there's the good broken. The broken you feel when you fully surrender to God. Do you remember what happened to make you cry the hardest? I do. I was 16 years old. I was really involved in my youth group and there was a mission trip to Honduras planned. I wanted to go so bad, but never thought it would be possible. I knew it was really expensive. My Mom knew how bad I wanted to go, and I'll never forget how excited I was when she gave me an envelope with the deposit in it. She made it possible for me to go on this trip I so badly wanted to encounter. With that money, and fundraiser after fundraiser, I set out on my journey in July of 1997.

I had only been on a plane one other time, and I was not looking forward to it at all. I'm not a fan. Everything was going great. I was with my best friend, Brandy and we were having a blast. We sat by each other on all of the planes we were on. I remember going through the Atlanta airport with people from our group running in front of us, and behind us. Brandy and I were just strolling along in the middle of everyone else without a care in the world. The very last plane we boarded was in Miami and it was a Mexican airline. Taca to be exact. It was a small plane. It was the first time I boarded a plane by walking outside and walking up the steps to get on it. I was feeling a little uneasy, but still carefree. About half way through the flight, we hit bad turbulence. Something I had never experienced before. Brandy and I both thought we were underwater and dying. Everyone around us was praying and we were holding hands and screaming. Everything they were saying on the intercom was in Spanish so we had no clue what was going on. It was the worst feeling I can remember having. Come to find out, we hit a flock of birds but the pilot was able to pull through eventually. When we got off the plane, I told Brandy I was calling my mom and she was going to get on a boat and come pick me up. I kissed the ground when we landed.

I had no idea what my heart was about to experience. It's a week that I will never forget, but a week that is hard to remember. We spent the week working. We spent time at a school. We spent time going to houses where kids had to sleep on dirt floors. We spent time at church. It was a big learning experience for me. When we took a shower, there was water up to our knees and we had to step on a wooden pallet that was floating in the water. We had to use outhouses to use the bathroom. We had to use toilets with cracks in the seats. We had to eat food that wasn't good. The last night we were there, is a night that I remember the most and one that I'll never forget. We were all in the fellowship hall and we were singing worship songs and praying. I was on my hands and knees with my head buried into a bench. I was crying uncontrollably and praying my heart out. I remember feeling so completely broken. I was surrendering everything I had to offer up to God. I realized why I was there and exactly what God was trying to teach me. When we got home, I didn't watch TV for a week. It was too hard to turn it on. I spent time writing in my journal about what I was feeling. To experience something like that is a once in a lifetime thing. Pure brokenness.

I've had other heartbreaks in my life. The death of my Granny and the death of my Uncle. Even the death of my 18 year old cat, Tori. My Dad's stroke in 2014. My Dad's stroke in 2018. All of these times I have cried my eyes out, but somehow I've made it through it. Which brings me to my current heartbreak. If you've been keeping up with my blogs, then you know that my boss was up for re-election. Well, she didn't win. Which means, not only do I not have a job, but I also have to figure out a way to say goodbye to all the people I've known and loved for 16 years. And I'm supposed to remain strong?? How do I do that, when all I want to do is cry? This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. Those people are my family. My best friends. They know more about me than most other people do. I've tried to keep my head up as much as I can. I've tried to act like things are okay. I've tried to act like I know I'll be okay. I've tried to act like I know God's got this. When in reality, I'm just not there yet.

"Nobody really knows how much anyone else is hurting. We could be standing next to someone who is completely broken, and we'd never know. So be kind always. With yourself, and others."
~Author Unknown

There is a song that has helped me through some rough times. It's not that song that makes you feel better, it's that song that makes you cry. And helps you heal. It's called "Broken" by Lifehouse.

"The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight.
Maybe it can stop tomorrow, from stealing all my time.
I am here still waiting, I still have my doubts.
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out.
The broken locks were a warning, you got inside my head.
Tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead.
I still see your reflection, inside my eyes.
That are looking for purpose, still looking for life.
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing.
With a broken heart, that's still beating.
In the pain, Is there healing,
In your name, I find meaning.
So I'm holding on, I'm holding on
I'm holding on, Barely holding on to you.
Hanging on another day, just to see what you will throw my way.
And I'm hanging on to the words you say, You said that I will be okay.
Broken light on the freeway, Left me here alone.
I may have lost my way now, Haven't forgot my way home."

I've listened to this song a thousand times this week. Just because I need to cry. I need to heal. I'm not sure how long this one is gonna take to get over. I know that God never closes one door without opening another, but knowing that doesn't help me heal. I know that I'll be okay, but right now I can't think about that. I can't be okay yet. My heart isn't ready. I'm not strong right now. I'm completely broken. And not too many people know it. My husband knows. My mom knows. And now my youngest step daughter Haylie knows. She came to our house this weekend broken herself. She is a really sensitive kid, and she got into some really big trouble this past week. Without getting into it, I think she learned her lesson. I know that she realizes exactly what she did wrong. All in all, it could have been a whole lot worse. She and I cried together as we talked about what happened. She hugged me the tightest she's ever hugged me. Then, on Saturday, I had a breakdown two different times. Both times, she saw me crying and came to me and hugged me. She wrapped her whole body around me and hugged me tight as I cried. Just like I had done for her on Friday. We helped each other this weekend. When she went home tonight I told her if she feels like she wants to cry, to remember that I love her so much. I told her whenever I feel like crying I would do the same thing, and think about how much she loves me. I miss her already. Who would have thought that her being in trouble would draw us so much closer? There are small things like that. Little reminders that things will be fine.

I also heard a song this week by the one, the only, Lauren Daigle. It's called "I am yours".

"I see your fingerprints, the work of your hands. It's all in your hands.
I see the evidence, leaving nothing to chance. The world's in your hands.
So I rest in your promises, now I am sure of this, I'm yours.
Let the waters rise, I will stand as the oceans roar.
Let the earth shake beneath me, let the mountains fall. You are God over the storm.
And I am yours.
I hear the voice of love, calling me home, to where I belong.
It cripples every fear, and the ones who kneel, walk away healed.
So I rest in your promises, now I am sure of this. I'm yours.
No power is strong enough, to separate me from your love. I'm yours.
Even the thunder and the wind obey, at the command of my Father, Father.
I set my feet upon your mighty name, so let the rain fall harder, harder.
So take my everything, my flesh and blood, I'll lay me down at the alter, alter.
I am forever covered in your love, so let the rain fall hard.
So let the waters rise, I will stand as the oceans roar.
Let the earth shake beneath me, let the mountains fall.
You are God over the storm, and I am yours."

I know that my God will take care of me. I know that He loves me. I know that He has a plan for all of this. While I know all of this, I also am hurting. But I know that God knows that. He will protect me no matter what. If I can't pray, He can read my heart. No matter what, I am a firm believer of what my Mom taught me at a young age. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I'm not sure if she gets that from her favorite scripture, or if it just came to her right when I needed to hear it, but it's something that I've lived by since she told me. So, while my heart is hurting, I know that this season will pass. Eventually it will all make sense. Eventually, I'll bow down and thank God for the blessing that it brought. There is a time for everything.

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people can't see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can." Ecclesiastes 3:1-12

Cuts Like A Knife

"I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn't produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more." John 15:1-2

I remember what it felt like as if it was yesterday. I don't think I'll ever forget the pain that it caused. All I was trying to do was make potatoes for dinner. Why did the knife have to slip? I ended up cutting my thumb pretty deep. Deep enough to have to go to the emergency room to get stitches. Seven months have passed and I can still feel the numbness in my thumb. I still can't do certain things with it. I feel like it will never regain full feeling in it ever again.

It's sometimes hard to separate literal cuts from emotional cuts. I know that I've had way more emotional cuts than anything else. I've had several literal cuts, but in my lifetime I know that nothing will ever hurt as much as an emotional cut does. I've experienced a lot just in the last few months. This Tuesday is election day and it's an election that I'm emotionally attached to. My boss is up for re-election and if she isn't re-elected, I lose my job as well. It's been pretty stressful to say the least. The other side have made promises that I know can't be kept. They have been pretty confident that they are going to win and even dressed up for Halloween as my very own job description. Meaning, the opponent already has someone picked to take my place. It's been very tough to keep my cool through it all. It's been even more tough to keep my mouth shut. And even more tough to keep my trust in the One who has full control.

God has a way of getting through to me though. Mostly, He speaks to me through music. Sometimes though, Facebook does something good and I can read things on there to speak to me. This week, that happened twice. Just when I needed it most. The first thing that I read was originally posted back in July. A friend of mine somehow came upon it and shared it last week. It's a post from a page called "Heart Prints" and this is the post word for word.

"I have to admit, I always wondered what this part of Psalm 23 meant. I thought "He anoints my head with oil" was figurative language for God keeping the Psalmist healthy. I never knew this parallel.

Anoint my head with oil.

Sheep can get their head caught in briers and die trying to get untangled. There are horrid little flies that like to torment sheep by laying eggs in their nostrils which turn into worms and drive the sheep to beat their head against a rock, sometimes to death. Their ears and eyes are also susceptible to tormenting insects. So the shepherd anoints their whole head with oil. Then there is peace. That oil forms a barrier of protection against the evil that tries to destroy the sheep. Do you have times of mental torment? Do the worrisome thoughts invade your mind over and over? Do you beat your head against a wall trying to stop them? Have you ever asked God to anoint your head with oil? He has an endless supply. His oil protects and makes it possible for you to fix your heart, mind, and eyes on Him today and always. There is peace in the valley. May our good Father anoint your head with oil today so that your cup overflows with blessings. God is good and He is faithful!"

Once I read that, tears came to my face. Then, I read it again. Then, I read it one more time. After that, I looked up the lyrics to a song that I love called Reckless Love.

"Oh, the overwhelming, never ending, reckless love of God.
Oh, it chases me down, fights til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine.
I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still You give Yourself away.
Oh, the overwhelming, never ending, reckless love of God."

If you are like me, something particular catches your attention in that chorus. The line that says, "leaves the ninety-nine." I wonder what that means? Well, let me use the book of Matthew to explain.

"If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, what will he do? Won't he leave the ninety-nine others on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he will rejoice over it more than over the ninety-nine that didn't wander away! In the same way, it is not my heavenly Father's will that even one of these little ones should perish."
~Matthew 18:12-14

It seems that all of this stuff is falling into a big bucket of "Things Natasha needs to remain calm". All of this sums up my feelings...and the facts....from the last week of my life. This past Friday morning, I found something else on Facebook. God spoke to me through my friend Brenda with her post. This is her post word for word.

"Pruning in the Bible is a reference to being cut on, having every branch that doesn't produce fruit, cut off, and every branch that does bear fruit, to be pruned, in order to bear more fruit. It hurts to be cut on, to be pruned, but in the end it produces good fruit that is pleasurable and nourishment to others. When you feel like you can't take one more cut, one more prune, remember that Jesus, a man who knew no sin, a good and loving man, our Lord and Savior, was pruned by the Father. John 15:1-2 Pruning is a good thing, the fruit will eventually come and we will know that it was well worth the pain. Stay strong, don't give up and know good things are coming."

Wow. That one stopped me in my tracks. That one allowed me to put my heart in a new place. A place of comfort. A place of peace. A place of knowing that God will take care of everything. If.... If I would only let him. Why is it so easy to forget that? Lauren Daigle explains that forgetting happens to everyone. But this week, she explained it straight to my heart.

"In the darkest hour, when I cannot breathe.
Fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me.
Everything is crashing down, everything I had known.
When I wonder if I'm all alone.
I will lift my eyes, even in the pain.
Above all the lies, I know You can make a way.
I have seen giants fall, I have seen mountains move.
I have seen waters part because of You.
I remember, I remember.
You have always been faithful to me.
I remember, I remember.
Even when my own eyes could not see.
You were there, always there.
I can't stop thinking about,
I can't stop thinking about,
I can't stop thinking about,
Your goodness, goodness."

The long and the short of it all is this. God is in control. This song has been, and will continue to be my anthem throughout the next 48 hours. I know that my God takes care of me. I know that He can tear down any giant that I may face. I know that He can move any mountains in the way. I know that He can part the waters. No matter if I'm a wounded sheep. No matter if I'm a wandering sheep. He is always there to find me. He is always there to comfort me. He is there. Always there. Just ask Peter.

"Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people home. After sending them home, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone. Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o'clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, "It's a ghost!" But Jesus spoke to them at once, "Don't be afraid," he said. "Take courage. I am here!" Then Peter called to him, "Lord, if it's really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water." "Yes, Come.", Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. "Save me, Lord!", he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. "You have so little faith," Jesus said, "Why did you doubt me?" When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciple worshiped him. "You really are the Son of God!" they exclaimed." Matthew 15:22-33

Focus on Me, not the Storm. ~God

P-P-P Poker Face, P-P Poker Face

"The Enemy wants to define you by your scars, but Jesus has already defined you by His." -Louie Giglio

Have you ever just wanted to erase something from your day? You wake up in a good mood and BOOM, something happens to ruin your entire day. I'm the worlds worst at letting something ruin my day. You can usually tell when something is wrong or is bothering me. I guess you could say, I don't have a very good poker face. However, there are certain circumstances when I'm able to act like everything is fine when deep down I'm breaking. To put it bluntly, 2018 has been a horrible year. It all started on my brother's birthday.

February 23rd of this year was a pretty good day. I remember it was a good day. Friday is usually my favorite day of the week. Work wasn't awful and I went home and got dressed to go meet my family to go eat to celebrate my brother's 45th year of life. Around 5:00pm, my phone rang. It was my Mom. She told me that my Dad hadn't been feeling good all day. He had a lot of pain in his right leg and could only walk with a cane. She decided she should take him to the Emergency Room at St. Joseph Hospital.

About 4 years ago, my Dad had a stroke. That particular stroke didn't effect his ability to move, it was mainly his speech and his vision. He bounced back from it pretty good after a lot of therapy. He wasn't the exact same, but it was okay. His filter cut off a little more than normal, and he had trouble getting his words out. But he was still Dad. In April of 2016, my Dad walked me down the aisle and gave me away to be married to my husband. He also danced with me to the song "Fathers and Daughters" by Michael Bolton. That is a memory of him I will forever cherish. Five minutes of just me and my Dad. Dancing. Smiling. Laughing. Loving.

So, my Mom took my Dad to the Emergency Room that night. Dustin and I met them there. We sat there until they admitted  him after 10:00pm. While we were there, they ran a CT Scan that came back normal. They wanted to keep him overnight to do the MRI just to make sure nothing showed on there. The next day, my Dad woke up and couldn't move his right leg or his right arm. Today, he can walk with assistance, but still has little movement in his right arm.

A lot has been going on in this "Daddy's Little Girl"'s mind during this difficult time we have had to endure. There has been a lot of questions going through my heart and mind. Questions that no one has the answers for. Questions that can't be answered. I know that I'm one of those adults who live in denial about their age. I never think that I'm getting older. Which means no one around me ever grows older either. My Mom and Dad will live forever. I think I live in that denial because I know that I can't think about losing them and remain stable. So you can imagine the questions that I have as to why this had to happen. I went through every emotion possible when it first started. I still struggle with how to feel. I think about how strong my Mom is on a daily basis. I'm not gonna lie, I haven't been too strong through it all. In fact, I've become pretty bitter. Which brings me to another one of my questions.

Why is it that a Preacher is the one no one else thinks to visit? My whole life, I watched my Dad become the man that I wish everyone else was. I watched him answer phone calls of prayer requests. I went with him to the hospital to visit people who were sick. He went to see people in the nursing home regularly as well. Some people went to his church, but not all did. Some were friends. Some were friends of friends. Some were friends or family of his church congregation. One thing is the same though. No matter who they were, everyone of them was someone's father. Someone's husband. Someone's son or daughter. No matter who they were, they deserved prayer. I watched my Dad pray for people he had never even met his whole life. Which brings me to the next question. If my Dad spent 41 years serving his Savior, then why couldn't he feel at peace when he was sick? Why did he feel like no one cared enough to visit him? Why did the church he was attending with his daughter and Son-In-Law, not send one person to see him? Or send one card? Or even a facebook post or like to any of his family? I feel like that's one thing I may never get over.

So here we are. Me left with unanswered questions. Me and my family left without a church home when I need one the most. Did anyone know any of this was going on inside me? Probably not. I put on a pretty good poker face. I've tried my best to get back to where I need to be with God. It's hard when you don't feel like you belong in a church. It's hard when you feel betrayed by your own brothers and sisters. It's hard when you feel like part of your heart has been ripped out. I had fallen far away from God through all of this. Then, this happened.

My Boss is up for re-election this year. If she doesn't win, I don't have a job either. We all know that an election can bring out the worst in people. About three weeks ago, I heard that someone had some not so nice things to say about me. Hurtful things. Luckily, the person she said it to defended me. When the person told me these hurtful things, I acted like nothing was wrong. I put on my poker face. In the very moment she told me, I gave it to God. My reaction was, "You know what? I'm gonna let God take care of it. He's on my side." I meant exactly what I said. However, my heart still hurt. It was in that very hurt that I came running back to God. I never needed it more. A week and a half later, I heard the same things being said to someone else who knew me pretty well. Again, it bothered me. Again, it hurt. Again, God was right there. He sent me Lauren Daigle as my comfort.

"I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough.
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up.
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know.
The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me.
In You, I find my worth, in You I find my identity.
Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet.
You have every failure, God, You have every victory.
You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing.
You say I am strong when I think I am weak.
And you say I am held when I am falling short.
And when I don't belong, oh, You say I am Yours.
And I believe. Oh I believe. What You say of me. I believe."

That song reminded me that it really doesn't matter what others say or think about me. It really doesn't matter what happens because God is in control of it all. I guess that even though I may think I have a good poker face, God knows all. He sees all. He has, and always will, take care of me. He will rescue me. Which brings me to my next Lauren Daigle comfort lyrics.

"You are not hidden.
There's never been a moment you were not forgotten.
You are not hopeless.
Though you have been broken, your innocence stolen.
There is no distance.
That cannot be covered over and over.
You're not defenseless.
I'll be your shelter, I'll be your armor.
I hear you whisper underneath your breath.
I hear your S.O.S., your S.O.S.
I will send out an army to find you.
In the middle of the darkest night.
It's true, I will rescue you.
I will never stop marchin' to reach you.
In the middle of the hardest fight.
It's true, I will rescue you."

What? Someone loves me this much?? Are you serious? Someone loves ME enough to fight for me? Someone loves me enough to rescue me? It's this simple. When it all comes down to it, we think we can hide from God. We put on our best poker face we have, yet he sees right through it. He knows. We are not hidden from Him. Even in our darkest night, or our hardest fight, He is right there with us. This year alone, I have endured one of my darkest nights and one of my hardest fights. Let me tell you, it's a whole lot easier when we don't try to do it on our own. It's a whole lot easier if we just become broken enough to fall to our knees and give every inch of ourselves to our God. It's a whole lot easier if we just get rid of our poker face all together. After all, if the One who matters the most can see right through it, what's the point of having it?

So, today, I'm happier. I'm healthier. I know that my Dad is okay no matter what because he is in the hands of his heavenly Father. He was a faithful servant for so many years and God won't give up on Him now. I also know that people are gonna say mean things, but that doesn't define who I am. I'm not defined by my own scars anyway. I'm defined by my Savior's scars. One thing I've learned, if God is for us, no one can be against us. That's a fact I'll never get tired of hearing.

"The Lord Himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." Exodus 14:14

'Cause darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

"What comes to our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us." A.W. Tozer

Have you ever heard a certain song and it takes you back to a certain time in your life? Or maybe back to a certain person? I can hear certain songs that make me think of certain people in my life, past or present. I'm sure I could give an answer for the question: What do you think of when you think of me? As long as I know the person, or know of the person, I could give you an answer. It really makes me wonder, what do people think of when they think of me? My whole life, I've been a lot of things. But one thing that will never change, I was, I am, and I always will be a preacher's kid.

Being a PK comes with a lot of stress. I remember being a young kid, sleeping with my mom in her big girl bed, wondering what my Dad was doing. My Dad was at school learning how to be a preacher. That was all I knew. I remember one night, my Mom told me, "If anything ever happens to me, you make sure all of my dolls are taken care of." She used to collect porcelain dolls. I remember how empty that statement made me feel. I remember thinking, "What if something happens to my mom and my dad doesn't make it home?" Of course, none of that happened. My Dad graduated, came home forever, and my Mom got rid of all of her dolls she once held so dear.

I've always looked up to my Dad. Not only is he the best Dad ever, but he is also an admirable man who sacrificed to be able to spread the word of God to others. Because of that, my adult life as a Christian has been trying at times. I have always tried my best to do the right thing. Because it was what I was taught. It was what I was shown. It was what I believed. Sometimes in doing that, I got hurt. I got scarred. I have wounds that took years to heal. It's really hard for me sometimes to go to a church where my Dad isn't the preacher. That has been a struggle for me that no one has known about for years. Andy Stanley said, "If you're a preacher's kid, you see the church differently." Truer words have never been spoken. I find myself being really skeptical of certain things at a church. It took years for me to even wear jeans to a church service. I actually quit going to a church one time because the Preacher wore jeans to preach in every Sunday morning. Little things like that bother me. Why? Simply because I never saw my Dad preach in jeans.

I know that I am hard to love. Hence the title of this blog. One reason being because I am a Preacher's kid. I'm far from perfect. I'm very hard to deal with, especially in the mornings. If something upsets me, I'm completely done for a day or so. I'm horrible about letting one small thing ruin my whole day. I think it comes from me feeling like I don't measure up. I feel like God expects more out of me because I am a Preacher's kid. I don't feel worthy of God's love. It's hard for me to accept the fact that He loves me and that nothing I can do will ever take that love away. Just recently, I have been thinking about our church. My husband started helping with the youth and at first it was hard for him to do it without me. I tried to explain to him that we aren't all called to do the same things. I tried to show him that I have already done that in the past and I felt like God was done with me in that area. Within that struggle, it really made me think. It made my heart do some real soul searching. I began to wonder, "What good can I do for the church?" The more I thought about that, the more I missed the way I grew up.

One night I saw a post on Facebook. It was some friends of mine who had been at church for a birthday party for their son. All of their church friends were sitting around enjoying this party with food, fun, fellowship, and of course, cake. I said out loud, "I miss the Wednesday night Spaghetti dinners." My husband said, "What do you mean?" and I said, "Sometimes I miss being in a small church where everybody knew me." See, I went from being the Preacher's Kid for a lot of years to being just Natasha. Or even more so, Dustin's wife. I have really struggled with fitting in at our church and so it made my struggle for looking for my place in the church even harder. I was really having a hard time with it. The next morning after the Facebook post, I heard a song on my way to work. It was the first time I had heard it, and it completely changed my heart. Just like that, I didn't have to struggle anymore. The song is called "Real Love" by Blanca.

This isn't easy, For me to admit.
I got a fire inside and some words I know I can't keep in.
I see faith turning, Into a show,
Of Sundays and sermons, And words getting caught in the flow.

Oh, but we got real pain and real fears,
Thirsting for the drying of our real tears.
It's not satisfying anymore,
Ain't it true that the veil was torn?

I don't need no stained glass, To be washed in his blood.
I don't need no perfect, put together pretty words, To be enough, no.
I want Jesus and his real love, Something that I crave deep inside of my bones,
So you can leave your religion at home.

Spent my life trying, To keep all the rules.
Now I know it's about what he's already done,
Not about what I think that I gotta do.

After I heard this song, it was like I heard God tell me, "I don't always use people in the church. Each person has their own gift and their own talents. I don't want you to serve in the church just to fit in. I want you to serve for Me." It was so clear to me at that very moment that my struggle was over. There was no need for there to be a struggle in the first place. I know that God has blessed me with the talent of writing. That's the one and only reason I write this blog. I have no idea if it reaches anyone or not, but I know that I'm supposed to be doing it. It doesn't matter how many views it gets, because I know that God is using my ability to write words to reach the world in some way. Recently, I got a new camera. I've always loved photography since I was a kid. The reason I love it so much, is that I've always felt like I'm capturing God's beauty. I want to use it as a ministry for others. I want them to see God's beauty through my eyes. Both of these talents are ones that I love and ones I know God wants me to put to good use. I also know that my Dad is proud of me, and to a Preacher's Kid, that's more important than you realize.

As the song lyrics from above continue, "I want Jesus and His real love, Something that I crave deep inside of my bones. I want real, real love, I want real, real love, I want real, real love." When I think of me, the best way I can describe myself is with the words of Taylor Swift: Darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream. But when God thinks of me, He thinks of His child that He loves with all that He has. And nothing I can ever do will make Him love me more, or less. So, I leave you with the thought, "What do you think of when you think of God?" My answer? Easy. Real Love.

"(Real) Love is patient, (Real) love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (Real) Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (Real) Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8